Fri., June 25, 1999
The Aftermath
(Official Coroner's Photo)
Yesterday's accident continues to weigh heavily on my mind. Not my entire mind, of course, but enough of it to make turning my head a bit more of a struggle than it usually is. The incident seems to be weighing especially heavily on the right, intuitive hemisphere, causing my face to noticeably vibrate whenever I try to grasp the unstated implications of a news story, my hate mail, or a passing raven's cry of "Nevermore!" A certain incipient stiffness in my mood makes me wonder if mental whiplash might not be setting in as well. If not, how hard could this be to fake for the insurance company doctors?
Believe it or not, I actually managed to salvage 12 individual zinnia plants from the area in the above photograph last night. Two so-called state fair zinnias and 10 smaller, regular ones. Nine are now recovering in three extra pots I had, while three (including those state fair ones that are supposed to grow 36" high, if not higher) are nestled along my east fence.
The white post which held my spiffy black mailbox with its eager-to-please red flag remains where it fell, a permanent reminder of the suddenness with which things can forever change. Or at least a semi-permanent reminder to my landlord that I need a new one.
Funny thing - I used to always get my mail from the right side so that this pole would always be between me and any speeding vehicle that might leave the road. Clearly, this now ranks right up there with my plan to hide in my refrigerator in the event of nuclear war as far as protective effectiveness goes. Wonder what the odds are of getting my landlord to put in a mailbox with a buried fall-out shelter stocked with enough food and postage to sustain two mail-getters or 50 pieces of mail for a month....Anyway, I find I'm in the mood to seize the day, to start doing all those things I've been putting off doing before someone comes along and drops a farmhouse from Kansas on me.
And that means, first and foremost, analyzing my napkin collection.I've been collecting paper napkins from local restaurants since April 25. I now have ten (10) of them. That's far from being a complete collection, but it's the best I've been able to do. Before the information is lost forever to future generations, here is what this collection reveals.
#1) Collected on April 25, 1999 From the Findlay, Ohio Long John Silver's fish place: One white paper napkin in a clear plastic bag with a beige plastic fork. Bag does not appear to be air-tight (ewwww, gross). Carefully opening the bag with a pair of scissors by cutting off an end and then cutting straight down the ventral majoris reveals one white paper napkin with a beige plastic fork. Discarding the bag, the fork, and the scissors leaves me with... one napkin. Napkin weight: Much less than half an ounce. Indeed, napkin scarcely makes my postal scale move when dropped from a height of 10". (Above 10", napkin tends to flutter away and miss scale entirely.) Opening napkin reveals 6 folds along long axis and one fold along short axis. Overall size: 14.75" by 12.75" (37.4mm by 32.2mm). Area: 188 sq. inches. Napkin is embossed with a 5/8" diamond pattern, with every other diamond having a leaf/flower shape in it. Napkin sounds like carbon paper when flapped and is about as inviting a lip-wipe as a newspaper. Ability to interest my cat, Jester, when crushed into a ball and thrown: Very low.
#2) Collected on May 2, 1999 from a local Wendy's: One free-range pale yellow napkin. Another weightless wonder, though in comparison with #1 it feels perhaps half again as heavy, especially around the edges. Three original folds - down, down, and over in an asymmetrical arrangement that must be seen to be believed. Unfolding instructions not included. Overall size: 16.75" by 12.125" (42.5mm by 30.7mm). Area: 203 sq. inches. Overall texture is pebbly. Embossed image of Wendy and "Wendy's Old Fashioned Hamburgers" takes up approx. 1/8 of napkin. Feels like cheap toilet paper, has 50/50 chance of getting a second date with my catsup-stained face. Does not improve AM radio reception no matter how it's turned. Ability to interest Jester: Very low. May as well be an old copy of William F. Buckley's National Review as far as he's concerned, but then he is a rather liberal cat.
#3) Collected May 7, 1999 from my local Pizza Hut: One white napkin, hand fed to me by a waitress. Heaviest one yet, but still fails to register on my scale. Tested scale by getting on it myself, quickly peg it at its 16 ounce extreme, so it does work. Napkin proves to be a big square that's been folded in half once... twice... three times. Overall size: 17" by 15" (43.3mm by 38mm). So: It was only pretending to be a perfect square! Accepts spanking without protest. Area: 255 sq. inches. Delightfully crimped edges (with mitered corners!), fancy edge design just past that crimping, wonderful diamond-pattern embossing throughout main section punctuated by 4-diamond-sized 5-petaled flowers with oval centers. Is this really a napkin or a work of art?? Softness issue moot, as I could never bring myself to wipe my mouth on this baby. Attempt to put it on Jess's back so he might walk around like a properly attired Hindi parade elephant: Partially successful. If only I could get the beast to stand up and move!
#4) Collected May 11, 1999 from local Bob Evans Restaurant: One white dinner napkin. Takes me both hands to lift it, yet still doesn't register on scale - harumph! Folded in half once, then folded twice length-wise. (Clearly there are no national napkin folding standards - why not??) Another rectangle masquerading as a square! Size: 17" by 14.75" (43.3mm by 37.5mm). Area: 250.75 sq. inches. Almost Kleenex-soft - best yet. Nice edge crimping, but not mitered at the corners. Extra points, though, for extra-nice border design - a series of rotating shells. Makes me long for my days as a zygote floating in amniotic ocean. Delightful two-lane series of large-and-small shells runs in from center of sides. Center consists of 4-huge-shell face-off. I think I'm in love! Quickly hide this one from the cat - shhhhh! Don't tell!
#5) Collected May 12, 1999 from local Arby's: One irregularly-white dried-out baby wipe impersonating a napkin. Too disgusted to count the folds on this crime against humanity. Weight it down with 16 copies of Stephen King's "Rose Madder" before it can touch my scale. Can actually read these words through it when I hold it up to my safety-goggled eyes! Ugly embossed "Arby's" logo makes me work up a sweat trying to figure out which way is up. Have sudden urge to stop and go watch "Schindler's List" instead of continuing with the analysis. Steel self and proceed. Size: 12" by 13" (30.5mm by 33mm). Area: 156 sq. inches - by far the smallest yet. Lock Jess up in his room, rush out and bury this abomination in far back yard, right between the Nixon campaign button I found at a garage sale and an "unsafe at any speed" Corvair Matchbox car. A crushing letdown after the ecstasy induced by #4. The other five must await the morrow - must go sob myself to sleep immediately!
Back To A Simpler Past Home Where All My Entries Are Kept In Line
By My Threatening To Print Them Out
On Generic Paper TowelsForward To A Softer, Fluffier Future
(All Material Along With The Neighbor Girl Who Got Too Close ©1999 by Dan Birtcher)
