Labor Day week continues.  Meaning that the Association of American Mall Security Personnel's annual used book sale is continuing as well.  All year long mall security guards across America gather up and save the reading material left behind by shoppers, mall walkers, and those innocent people inadvertently suspected of being shoplifters and shipped off to jail.  Then one week each September they sell this material to raise money for a variety of worthy causes ranging from Al Gore's "Better Pills For Bored Silly Workers" foundation to DuPont's research and development of spiffier, wrinkle-free uniforms.  This year I hear most of the funds raised will be going towards the Center for Disease Control's campaign to halt the proliferation of baby strollers before every store aisle in the country is clogged and certain economic collapse ensues.  At least that's what I think I heard.  Hard to be sure, given all the crying babies the AAMSP's president had to speak over.... 
     We stopped by our local mall the other night, just to see what goodies might be had.  As usual, one of the empty stores had been temporarily taken over by  masked and armed members of the AAMSP and packed full of some 100,000 books, magazines, and dropped warranty cards, all expertly sorted by color then amazingly sold for just 40 cents a pound.  Still not quite as cheap as checking things out at the library with a forged card and never returning them, but as our library is five minutes or so further away than our mall, we hardly minded at all.
     I've been going to these affairs for many years now, and each year I raise my standards as the space I have at home for even the thinnest warranty cards steadily diminishes.  Despite subjecting each item to the most rigorous purchasing criteria yet, however, I still came away with several armloads of material, much of it printed in a language I understand. 
     Among the many finds I plan on treasuring forever are the following:

• Mopey Dick: How To Tell If Your Whale Is Extinct Or Merely Depressed
• The Complete Bible-Based Guide To Home VCR Repair
• No Two Alike: A Catalog Of Ohio Snow Flurries - 1883-1911
• GE Clock Radio Model 1765E 60-Day Limited Warranty Card 
• How Stella Lost Her Damn Groove In The First Place (And Why People In Iowa Should Care)
• Confessions Of A Dirty Underhanded Puppeteer
• Seeing Eye Cats For Three Blind Mice (And 101 Other All-Time Worst Christmas Gifts)
• The Truth About Sunshine-Borne Viruses!
• Savannah Taxis: How The Yellow Cab Co. Might Have Sped Up Human Evolution 
• Babbling Vs. Non-Babbling Idiocy: The Choice Is Yours
• LIfe Under The Mississppi: A Collection Of Stories From An Age Before Scuba Gear, All Short Enough To Read While Holding Your Breath Or That Of Someone You Love
• How To Survive The Coming Apocalypse Without Dipping Into Your 401(k) 
• Wal-Mart Sales Slip - 7/11/83 - Store #2331 - THANK YOU! 

     Dead bolt lock - $6.99
     Black nylons - $1.99
     Whipping cream - $0.79
     Mouse ears - $1.09
     Dog leash - $2.59
     Sousa's Greatest Marches - $2.99
     Paper towels - 16@$0.69

     I mean, come on - just look at how cheap things used to be!
     Although I really don't have room for one more thing, I plan on going back after 6 tonight, anyway.  That's when things will be marked down to just a nickel an ounce (plus 10 cents an item for delousing and bagging).  
     What pack rat/ information junkie can resist??
     I just hope they still have that first edition of "How To Auction Off Antique Body Parts On eBay Without Getting Caught" I spotted last time.  And maybe that special shimmering edition of "Tips On Separating Hallucinations From Mere Astigmatism" I think I saw out of the corner of my eye.  I'm sure someone in my area will have already snatched up "Composting Your Major Appliances," though - darn it.  It would have made such a nice companion piece to the slightly-marred volume of "Recycling Your Snot For Fun And Profit" I sent as a wedding gift to Prince Edward in June. 
     Sometimes I just don't know where my mind is....
     Guess I better go start getting ready by slipping out of these nylons and mouse ears before I forget again.