Saturday.  And once again here I am, sitting in my office unable to reach for my Woodstock Pez dispenser or play with my VW Matchbox car because of all the notes on my desk for journal entries too awful, stupid, or insignificant to write up over the course of the last week.  Part of me says that I ought to stuff them under my mattress with all the others so I'll have something to think about in my old age, however meagre.  Another part says I should donate them to the Salvation Army so that no child will wake up Christmas morning without at least one really bad idea they can call their own.  A third part says, no - you can't refer to "no child" later in the same sentence as "they", so continue your strike against charitable giving until the damn English language is made more user friendly. 
     Enough!  I've decided just to dump my notes here en masse so I can get on with my life.  Or at least get to that cute little VW car just begging to be rolled but rendered immobile by a note-strewn highway!

     Today I've decided to write something unique.  Today I've decided to write an entry that's completely and utterly devoid of all self-consciousness, all self-reference, and all use of that personal pronoun known as "I".  I've been wanting to do this a long time because I realize just how egocentric and annoying it is when I -
     DOH!

     Hi, hello, greetings!  Today I'd like to take you on a trip, a journey, and a voyage back to a time, an era, and an age when thesauruses ruled and reigned on the earth (Earth)!  All in honor of a new book of synonyms I just bought, purchased, and acquired on an impulse, the spur of the moment, and a whim.
     Alas, this whole idea, concept, project, and undertaking suddenly strikes even me as way too irritating, aggravating, and painful to continue.
     Good thing I saved my receipt/bill of sale!

     I think it was in his "Stardust Memories" film back in 1980 that Woody Allen presented his list of things that make life worth living.  I've always enjoyed that list even though I can't now for the life of me recall what was on it. 
     One thing I'm pretty sure wasn't on it was frog jokes.  This has always puzzled me since frog jokes are what have gotten me through an endless succession of dark nights, pointless afternoons, and an encounter with a squeegee man.  The hope of eventually hearing a good tadpole gag or two, in fact, is the only thing that keeps me watching "Meet The Press" anymore.
     Here are just a few of the frog jokes I have loved so much, I almost married 'em:

     So, I'm walking down the street one day when I see this guy approaching me with a frog growing out of his ear.  I tried to ignore him but when he got close I couldn't help but stop him and ask, "Hey, buddy - what's that thing you got there growing out of your ear?"  And the frog said, "I don't know - it started out as a wart."

     So, these two women are walking down the street when they're accosted by a frog.  "Kiss me and I'll turn into a handsome prince," the frog tells them.  One woman immediately snatches the frog up and puts him in her purse.  The other woman says, "Hey!  Aren't you gonna kiss him and get yourself a prince?!"  And the first woman says, "Naw.  I'd rather have a talking frog." 

     So, this lady sees a frog on a lily pad.  And the frog says to her, "Hey, Gorgeous!  Kiss me and I'll turn into a prince!"  So she picks him up and kisses him.  Nothing happens.  "Hey!" the lady exclaims.  "You said you would turn into a prince!"  "Don't you know that frogs will say any silly thing they have to say just to get a kiss?" the frog replied, amazed by such profound gullibility. 

     Actually, that's all the frog jokes I know.  Not very many, huh?  Not very funny, either.
     Scratch another entry.

     Help!  Inspired by recent events in East Timor, my garden has just declared its independence from me and the rest of my yard!  Clearly, outside weedy agitators have finally succeeded in brainwashing my naive tomato plants into grasping a freedom they are ill-prepared to handle.  Why, they can barely sip from a drinking glass let alone turn on the faucet all by themselves!
     I urge the U.N. to send a plant-keeping force of professional gardeners immediately!
     If that's impossible, please - I beg you!  At least send me a few new frog jokes!!

     So what's the deal with rocket science?  Why does everyone refer to it as if it's something real hard to do or understand?  You get yourself a big tube, you stuff it with chemicals, you point it at the sky, you light the chemicals - whoosh!  This isn't exactly brain surgery.  At least the time I got myself a big tube, stuffed it with chemicals, pointed it at the head of some guy with a headache, and lit the chemicals, it didn't turn out to be good brain surgery....

     I know Emerson said "Hitch your wagon to a star" but why should I?  I belong to AAA.  Exactly why am I paying them $25 a year if not for stuff like this??

     My brother died in his sleep when he was about six.  Everyone said, "Well, if he had to go, that probably was the best way" but I don't know.  I think he would have been better off had he simply not decided to take the lower berth of my uncle's experimental bunk waterbed....

     I had a real nice chat on ICQ with a good friend today.  Real nice.  In fact, I was so impressed with the wit and wisdom she managed to share with me over the course of a few incredible hours that I tried to give her a standing ovation before she signed off.  Only I got confused and I gave her a standing ovulation instead.  Talk about embarrassing!  Now I'm scared to death that I accidentally left her pregnant with thought....

     Well, that at least gives me a path across my desk for my VW to roll.  Too bad all this typing has left me too tired to push the little sucker.  Too tired even to reach for that Woodstock Pez dispenser and get myself a quick sugar fix.
     It's always something.
     If I had the energy, I'd heave a deep sigh.
     At least I can go to bed now and sleep well knowing that when my wife reads this, she'll be heaving a deep sigh for me....