The change of season is now in full swing here without so much as one of those flimsy dressing room curtains to hide the view.  Red-blooded American male that I am, I've been enjoying the sight of the first blazing-orange maple tree out my kitchen window for the last several days, especially in the afternoons when the slower moving, less brightly colored soaps are on.  All in all, my favorite time of year despite the knowledge that thousands of kids on school football teams all over the country will soon be suffering what coaches euphemistically refer to as "character-building concussions and spinal injuries."
     Despite the annual police harassment, too....

     I'm not sure how I got on the list of usual suspects in this matter, but I have and there seems to be nothing I can do to get off it.  I've tried washing my reputation, scrubbing my name, but still I hear "You are a suspect! You are a suspect!" every time the fair cumulus clouds of summer start disappearing. 
     This year the cops were a bit late in coming.  That old 3 AM knock on the door didn't come until nearly 3:17 this morning.  Guess that murder-suicide in the south end delayed them a bit.
     At least the ride downtown wasn't too bad for once.  Although I had to ride in the back seat handcuffed to a drug-sniffing dog like always, it worked out OK.  After all these years, I've finally learned how to avoid getting dog shit on the feet of my Winnie the Pooh pajamas.
     Alas, the interrogation was as dull and trite as ever....

     "OK, Dan - let's go over this one more time.  Where does a poor, barely mobile guy like you get all his weather?"
     It just comes.  From the west, I think.
     "And it just happens to never have a return address?  Someone's just sending it to ya anonymously out of the goodness of their heart?"
     So it seems.
     "Any idea where the warmth of summer has disappeared to?"
     I've heard it goes south for the winter, but I really don't know - never been down that way myself.
     "Well, we've done some checking.  Seems that even though the outside temp is now down into the 40s every night, and barely hitting 70 during the day, your body remains a nice and toasty 98, 99 degrees.  Can you explain that?"
     My legs rub together when I walk.  I think the friction is what's keeping me warm.
     "So you're trying to tell us that you didn't kill summer just to steal its heat and stash it in some small, out-of-the-way body cavity nobody ever visits?"
     Summer who?  Do I look like a guy who's familiar with all four seasons?  Come on.  I've only got 10 fingers, and 7 of those are reserved for the days of the week.
     "So each year when autumn is committed and we just happen to find you in the place where it's been committed or is in the process of being committed, that's just a coincidence?  Each and every year - a complete coincidence?"
     Lots of people are around each and every year when autumn is committed. 
     "Maybe so, but you're the only one who'll let us handcuff them to a drug-sniffing dog and bring them in for questioning, so get used to it."
     It's the big brown eyes that do it to me.
     "Now about those hours of daylight that have been coming up missing all over town.  I suppose you don't know anything about that, either?"
     I'm afraid of the dark.  I try not to think about those disappearing hours of daylight at all.
     "Word on the street is that you've been filching daylight by the hour from an elderly sky in a mad attempt to someday appear brighter than you really are.  True?"
     That's crazy talk!  I've got writer's cramp!  I can't even swipe a few photons from a night light!
     "Uh-huh.  That's what they all say."
     So - I'm not the only suspect!  Ah-HA!
     "No, I just mean everyone we bring in here ends up saying to us at some point, 'That's crazy talk!'  We think it might be because we learned to speak English with scratchy and warped Berlitz records, but we're not sure - our detectives are out this week.  Doesn't matter - they only speak Hungarian, anyway."
      Can I go now?  I have an appointment to spend some quality time with a blazing-orange maple tree in my kitchen while the world is watching "All My Children" for me.  
     "Oh, speaking of trees.  Exactly what kind of sicko gets his jollies spreading around poison that makes 'em turn colors?!"
     I have no idea.  You might want to check with that guy who gets off painting windows in the winter.  What's his name again?  Oh, yeah - David Frost.
     "Maybe we better ask him about all those geese that have been fleeing your area too, eh?"
     Just don't look in my basement!  Please - I beg you!
     "Yeah, ok - but only because it's just about the end of my shift."
     Thanks!  It's bad enough that I have to put up with a wife who's allergic to the frantic honking of those lesser species which don't know how to lose at chess gracefully.  I sure don't need a bunch of cops marring my lawn as they stand around trying to figure out how to get a backhoe down my cellar steps to see whether or not I've been winning unfairly by burying a few bishops under the cement.
     "Ok - you're out of here.  But remember:  We get reports of another autumn being committed in these parts next year, we'll be coming to see you again.  We know where you live."
     And if I move...?
     "Hey!  No fair!!"
     Oh - sorry!  Well, then - see ya around, copper.
     "Hey -wait!  Is this your jimmy-bar??"
     Let's see...  Yep - has my name on it.
     "Dang!  Good thing I didn't trip on it.  Sucker's so long, I bet it could reach clear to the sky if we were outside!"
     Hmmm, what a crazy idea.
     "Guess that's what comes from seeing so many crazy people in here everyday."
     Well, see ya.
     "Yeah, you too.  And by the way - nice pajamas!"
    Thanks, I stol - ummm, made them myself.