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I have purposed in my heart
Who are you . . . ? What's your name . . . ?
Surely life has given you a terrible blow
Our friendship, like a bubble
Last night I dreamed I was on the hills
Truer than a hundred true loves
By day I really try to be
Aphrodisiac Eyes
Eyes



I have purposed in my heart
that I will truly be your friend,
And so keep my passions tamed as they should be.
For I dare not run the risk
that with my own hands I should rend,
Our friendship for a moment fancy free.

But I must confess 'tis difficult
to keep my heart still when you're near,
And not think on the beauty of your form.
When I hear your pleasant laughter
and your gentle voice so clear,
I long to feel your arms so snug and warm.

In my dreams then I will hold you,
and you likewise will hold me,
And you'll give me kisses precious as pure gold.
We'll walk by fragrant gardens,
under stars beside the sea,
And share all our thoughts 'till nothing's left untold.

And when the morning comes, my heart I'll hide away,
and be your friend platonic for as long as it is day.
June 1991
© Kizu Kudasai
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Who are you . . . ? What's your name . . . ?
I want to know so badly.
I want to be with you and hold you,
and fall in love with you so madly.

Your twinkling eyes and beautiful smile
I see clearly in my mind,
but about you I know nothing;
you are a curious find.

Who lives inside your slender form . . . ?
what goes on inside your head . . . ?
I wish I know the secrets
which that night were left unsaid.

These feet that brought you near to me
took you far away as well,
And the mysteries of your specialness
your lips have yet to tell.

Right now, this very moment,
I wonder what you're doing.
Are you talking . . . ? Or thinking . . . ?
Or perhaps sport pursuing.

Maybe sitting in a meeting
or relaxing with a friend,
Are you buried in your work week?
or enjoying the weekend?

Right now, I am all alone,
and my mind is filled with you . . .
although you are unreachable,
I now will summon you:

Come forth from within my memory . . .
Come forth my phantom slave . . .
Your form will do my bidding
and give me what I crave!

I now wield complete control
as I manipulate your mind,
You are s glad to be with me,
You are loving, soft, and kind.

You tell me all about your day,
for now I'm your special friend,
the time we share is precious,
and you don't want it to end.

Although you are a gentleman,
inside you long for me,
The fire in your heart grows warm,
but you keep your boundary.

At last you can't contain yourself,
and your boundary cast aside,
You hold me close up to your heart,
and my dream is satisfied.
© Kizu Kudasai
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Surely life has given you a terrible blow,
the pain you've felt, only you know.
Driven onward through life by addiction and rage,
and also by codependency enslaved.

Tormented by fantasies, then a marriage from hell,
and the world crashed in on you when it fell.
But up from the ground God lifted your face,
foreseeing transformation that now would take place.

With His loving stitches you started to mend,
in a new kind of pattern that He did send.
Much more than mere patches for every torn hole;
with beautiful needlework He embroidered your soul.

Now there was softness, compassion, and peace,
patience and self control did increase.
And you, like a phoenix, rose glorious and strong,
from the ashes of a life that had gone so wrong.

On a brand new journey you'll now wing your way,
unlike the old, living for the next lay.
A girl with inner beauty is now highly prized,
not searching for the shell you once idealized.

She'll get a man who can listen and talk,
and share his true self when they go for a walk.
Not demanding for sex, but with hugs fee to give,
for this man has found a new way to live.

Who will be worthy of this valuable treasure?
Who will be privileged to enjoy your pleasure?
What a special kind of girl she will have to be,
Do I dare say it? I wish it was . . .
February 1991 1991
© Kizu Kudasai
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Our friendship, like a bubble,
glides along, softly glowing.
Quietly drifting through the days
on the breezes gently blowing.

So intriguing and iridescent,
I'm drawn to get quite near,
and behold its certain special beauty
when within the colors I peer.

I want to grasp it in my hand
so I can enjoy it more.
But if I touch it, it will vanish,
and then no longer soar.

And you, just like that tempting bubble,
I must leave alone.
Because like it, you'll disappear,
if I cross your boundary zone.
January 1991
© Kizu Kudasai
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Last night I dreamed I was on the hills,
far . . . far . . . away . . .
Skipping and running through the grass
on a beautiful sunshiny day.

The sky was a deep, brilliant blue
with clouds scattered all around,
the grass was long, lush and green
springing from a rain soaked ground.

A quaint stone cottage adorned with flowers
was my little home
and wild flowers, lupine and poppies
all over the hills were sown.

I ran around, just feeling good,
so vibrant, and full of life
I breathed the air, so sweet and clean,
with no cares, or tears, or strife.

Dancing to the edge of the field
I looked down on a crowded city.
It make me feel glad to be way up here
where everything was so pretty.

Turning again to my sweet paradise,
my eyes caught sight of him walking,
He looked so handsome in the morning sun,
serene, and as always, stunning.

I could feel the breeze rippling my dress
and blowing gently through my hair,
When he got new he reached towards me
and said that he really did care.

Then he said he wanted to hold me
-- oh how I wanted that too --
and stepping so close, so close up to me,
I couldn't wait to see what he'd do.

He put his arms around my waist
and softly touched my hair.
He was so strong and wonderfully close,
I felt tingly everywhere.

Gently he pushed us down into the grass,
I saw the hills, the sun, the sky,
I could smell the earth, hear rustling grass,
and hear little birds chirping nearby.

I felt his weight, and his embrace,
then his face brushed my cheek like this . . .
and then what I wanted to feel most of all,
his tender and special kiss.

The garden around us melted away,
as kisses so wonderfully fell,
fluttering down like sweet ambrosia,
and more delicious than words can tell.
June 1991
© Kizu Kudasai
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Truer than a hundred true loves,
better than any best friend,
You've been there from the very start,
you'll be there until the end.

In our special place I've told you all,
every secret, all my dreams.
You've listened to all my highs and lows,
and so many "in betweens."

I knew someday that I would marry,
and my husband take your place,
But I see now how special you are,
you can never be replaced.

Though I can't be with you in the day,
I relish our rendezvous,
then I can dip into your precious warmth
on any night I choose.

Climbing under the covers with you
has become just such a treat,
To snuggle and cuddle all night long
makes sleeping with you so sweet.

I close my eyes, and pull you close,
I feel your softness all around,
We lay so still, just getting hugs,
but disclosing not a sound.

You've never turned the tables on me
and insisted I give you sex.
Instead you listen, and give me hugs,
I know just what to expect.

I hate it when the morning comes,
when I must smooth out every billow.
But I'll see you again my friend,
my love, my bedtime pillow.
December 15, 1990
© Kizu Kudasai
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By day I really try to be
controlled and reserved for all to see.
But my mind becomes so free at night,
and I see you in a different light.

Transported far away in dreams
where loving you involves no schemes.
We travel far, just you and me,
and you give your precious love to me.

We picnic under a shady tree,
while fragrant flowers around us be.
You hold me lovingly in your arms,
where I can cherish all your charms.

At night we dine beside the sea,
with a tropic, summer breeze.
then walking on that romantic night,
we hold hands under sweet starlight.

In a cozy cabin, safe inside,
with a storm a-raging all outside,
in a quilt together we snuggle up,
and by the fire hot chocolate sup.

But best of all, my favorite part,
the dream that's dearest to my heart,
you bring your lips so close like this,
and impart to me a precious kiss.
Spring 1989
© Kizu Kudasai
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Aphrodisiac eyes
Your beautiful aphrodisiac eyes
are like a drug from paradise.
I'm hooked much more than you realize,
by your haunting, aphrodisiac eyes.

I'm obsessed by your honeyed lips,
and the luscious kisses they contain,
heady flavors of euphoric love
I want to taste again and again.

Bring your mouth this close to mine,
and part my lips now with your tongue.
As the rush of love goes to my head,
my favorite high has now begun.

I'll gladly yield to every kiss,
for I'm trapped by your handsome gaze.
My rational just comes undone,
and all my thoughts just swim in haze.

Pull me next to your heavenly form,
and brush your soft skin next to mine,
then cover me with a jillion kisses,
each intoxicatingly divine.

Just deliriously drowning
in your arms is where I crave to be,
enjoying in every inch of my being,
your addictive, sensuous, ecstasy.
Spring 1989
© Kizu Kudasai
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Eyes

Blue like the sky in so many ways,
with cobalt, cyan, azure, and haze.
Open and deep, and filled with light,
twinkling and happy, even at night.

Blue like the ocean, peaceful and wide,
reflecting everything with nothing to hide.
Sparkling so sweetly with light from the sun,
laughing and joking, and looking for fun.

Green like a jungle, a land unknown,
beckoning, dangerous, and so very alone.
Green like the canopy, blocking out light,
filling the air with a murky, green light.

Green like the river, snaking along,
meandering, silent, hypnotic, and strong.
Deep and wild, filled with animal ways,
a subtly, frightening, mysterious maze.
Spring 1989
© Kizu Kudasai
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