Number 1 in what might become a series--my thoughts on love, life and marriage
-ok, now this is sad.it is a friday night and i am sort of bored. i am intent not on going out tonight, but on practicing for several hours. and i am procrastinating now because i don't want to play on my flute which doesn't work, so now i am bored and looking for things to do. and this is the evil that comes of it.
-i have been having discussions with my sister about her love life recently and it has brought me to thinking about my views on love and all of that. ugh. utah, debi??? UTAH?????
-well, first of all there is definitely something wrong with me. all of my other friends wonder about me because i have virtually no interest in dating etc. whatsoever.
there are reasons for this!!
1) i most probably have a hormonal imbalance--let's not get into my reasoning behind this.
2) you should really be straight in your own head before trying to work out a relationship with someone else.
3) college guys are, for the most part, unworthwhile.
4) no one i would ever be interested in is interested in me.
5) my thoughts on what a relationship is are ENTIRELY DIFFERENT FROM EVERYONE ELSE'S!!
-here you go. this is where my friends have decided that i'm not normal. my friends talk about who they have a crush on and who they think is attractive. they say things like, "i would so do him" and "i want him. NOW". i just don't really say much. i talk about the guys i like sometimes, but it's not about them being physically attractive. now hold on, i know that for a lot of people it's not about the person being good-looking, but that's not what i'm talking about. if the love of my life asked me out i'd say yes. and i would have no interest in fooling around with him, kissing him, any of that. i don't know quite why. all i want to ever do is talk. i have managed to put aside the existence of my body and i am (in my own eyes) just a walking brain.
-except that this is not true. i am still incredibly aware of what i look like and i am generally unpleased by it. (now you are all going to tell me that i can change it if i try--well you can go ahead and do it on my schedule with my limitations--that includes asthma, and to have any calorie reducing effect you need to have your heart rate up for 20 minutes--i can't breathe if my heart rate is up.) but i do want to look well put together when i leave my dorm. i think that wearing outfits that are well organized is a sort of display of skill and an expression of self. and i try to do this as often as possible (laundry permitting)
-anyhow, here is the point. i don't want a boyfriend. ever. really. i don't care. i just want to have meaningful discusssions forever, and a shoulder to cry on. hmm. i was thinking about it, and i'd want physical contact, but only sitting next to someone, maybe an occasional hug. last semester i would get my high by just listening to this one guy speak. i wanted to start an argument and tape record it just to hear his voice. later in the semester in the middle of a game we were playing someone ended up touching my arm while sliding past me. do you know that was satisfying for me? i wouldn't even want more than that. just sit next to me in a car. the fact that i am touching another a human is the only physical contact i've ever wanted.
-i swear there is something wrong with me. i don't drink (i keep saying that i'm going to try getting drunk once, but it's never really going to happen), i'll never do drugs, i'll never smoke(i'm a flutist--how stupid would that be?), and i don't really ever want to have sex. i am going to die as pure as i was born. if only i'd stop cursing. hmm.
-the demented thing is that i evision myself in the future as eventually being married and having kids. i'm sure that'd be great, but i'll never find anyone who would actually be compatible with me because what i would be looking for in a relationship is so far out from the norm that i probably won't find someone who would go along with it. and if i did then i probably wouldn't like him, and he wouldn't like me.
-i was thinking that if i could manage to support myself then i could resort to artificial insemination if i wanted kids, but honestly i don't think this is a great idea here. and i am never going to end up with so much as a meaningful relationship, let alone marriage. so where am i going with my life? i am going to live as a brain forever. purely mental and never physical. i will merely hug my friends and that will be my only form of human contact. oh well. doesn't bother me too much.
Number 2 in What is Now Seriously Threatening to Be a Series-My Thoughts on Nature/the Outdoors
-yesterday i went out to lake erie with a group of people to see the meteorites which were falling late that night. i got home at two am, exhausted and elated (and trying not to wake my roomie) and of course i couldn't just fall asleep, so i was thinking (again!) about nature.
-i have always really enjoyed being outdoors. i always loved to go hiking with my father when i was younger and i really enjoyed the infamous camp wendy, despite my complaints. (i don't think latrines count as a valid part of nature) i find that just about always being outside is more relaxing for me, and most always it is associated with joy.
-last night i felt like i had some moments where i could have bottled pure happiness. we were out on the beach for a couple hours and we saw quite a number of meteorites, some of them quite fantastic. we also saw the moon set, i had never seen that before and it was quite an experience.
-i was reflecting on this and on my other experiences outdoors and i thought to myself that nature for humans does often seem to be associated with joy. it's a release of pressure, a place where you can be free.
- then i was reminded of my english class last semester. we had discussions about how mary oliver, robert frost and tu fu viewed nature. tu fu communed deeply with nature at times and one got the sense that he understood it more fully than any western poet one might think of. mary oliver seemed to be occasionally deeply in tune with nature, having periods of oneness and other times where she felt distanced and somewhat afraid. robert frost was mostly afraid. my professor felt that frost saw nature as being similar to death.
-these thoughts led me to see that there is another emotion that humans most associate with nature--fear. for humans to go into nature is a release of control, a step into faith. in america especially we have tamed nature. we live in safe buildings where we control the temperature. we dictate what we want and we all stay in our safe towns.
-my thought yesterday was that we had gone in a fairly large group--nine of us. if there had been three of us, i could well have not been excited and enthused, but scared out of my mind. i don't think i would have had anything happen to me even if i had gone alone, but to stand on your own against nature is intimidating.
-unless you are one with nature. for tu fu nature was most frequently not frightening because he saw so much more consequence to the world and less to himself. somehow he wasn't pitted against the wild and faced with a superior force, but instead he was subsumed by nature and he had no resistance to its will. he became part of nature.
-when one goes into the wild either one is filled with pure joy for the opportunity to be free or one is filled with pure fear for the total lack of control. i think that if you can lose control then it is better for you. it reminds me of a madeleine l'engle book i read heavens knows how long ago. A Ring of Endless Light,i think. in the book the main character, Vicky, is talking with her grandfather, who seems to be a very sage person. her grandfather is talking about a poem which he enjoys. the poem states that when you are "replete with very thee", meaning you are entirely yourself, then there is no room where God can be, but if you are empty ( not devoid of personality--just willing to let go of yourself), like a vase, then you will be filled with spirituality and happiness. well in this case instead of God you find nature--peace, freedom, calm.
Number 3-my problem of late-no creative juices flowing!
-Some of my friends who have known me for a while know that i am infamous for writing almost every composition i've ever worked on in minor. i REALLY like minor. =) however, it seems that i don't write minor, sad-sounding music (i even wrote one piece that has been referred to as a funeral dirge.) because i am feeling down. for me the ultimate expression of how happy and together i am with my life is the ability to express myself through depressed sounding music. ::shrugs:: i don't know, but it works for me.
-I haven't really written anything for quite a while now and it seems as though it is because at this point in my life i have been so unfocused, so all over the place, so frenzied and uncalm, that i am unable to focus any positive energies sufficiently well enough to create. this makes me feel unhappy. i have always been creating something or other-whether it is visual art (and i have plently of that), literary art (rarely enough) or music (whoo boy!). the fact that i can't really think of much that i have created in the past year seems to be a bad sign to me. i have had a few times of incredible happiness this past semester, but it seems that the negative won over for the most part. dementedly enough, like always, i always look back and see positive, or feel that way. objectively i know this semester has been somewhat of a disaster for me, but nonetheless i insist on recalling almost exclusively those few wonderful times. (but i digress like mad!)
-So my problem is that of all the productive things i have been doing of late (i have been learning to see more clearly, i am standing on my own [even more so than before now], i think i am becoming more open than before, and i am more sure of who i am, and in a more mundane vein, i have been working on my instruments a lot, and i have read a bit) i haven't been doing anything much creative. i think i need to somehow let loose and run rampant with art supplies, but there is no desire forthcoming. darn. i need to get back to my happiness before i get back to school.
-Well, it's not that i'm not happy. i am having a good time here and there, and i am very much looking forward to visiting jenna and lisa, and i am sure i will be happy, but somehow it's not enough. i guess i feel like i might be experiencing happiness, but i have been unable to feel it very deeply. i don't know, but it looks to be a problem to me. ack!! i need to compose. i've motives galore just waiting for me to use them, and after this semester's concerts i have been feeling rather inspired and i would really like to write something. (and on a side note i do have an ethos concert i'd love to be able to participate in---chamber music--my favorite! [well, maybe not my absolute favorite, but it's excellent stuff to play in. it's very moving to be part of a musical experience like that]) i feel like strictly speaking, i could do it, but i just don't. usually i can't stop myself, but now i won't even try. i can use the excuse that i don't have access to finale right now, but that's not entirely true, and anyhow i certainly don't need that program to be capable of writing.
-Ack!! help!! i need to create something before i bust! since birth, practically, the first thing everyone says about me is how creative i am (or they compliment my hair--hey, it's all good) and so this business of lack of creativity is just fundamentally wrong for me. oh no! am i becoming left brained?? (yeah, friggin' right) well, it'll work out, i hope. if you all catch me next semester jumping across rooftops screaming about the death of one of the circle of Light, then you'll know that my lack of creativity has gotten to me at last and you'll have to get out the straight jackets. but hey, i'm sure mental assylums can be fun. yeah. and maybe it'll remind me of home. =p me? cynical? never!
okay, so i was wrong
so here i am again. it's been while since i've written down my lengthy thoughts, but fear not, i'm still thinking. ok, so i previously said that i didn't want any physical relationship? i was wrong. it was all the hormones. or lack thereof. hey, stop mocking me. yeah, well so now that i'm counteracting the polycystic ovary condition my hormones are more like everyone else's, i guess. (oh no! i'm more like everyone else??) well, so anyhow, now i realize just how wrong i was. no, i'm not thinking about so and so's ass, and i still don't care about physical stuff much. i am sticking with nicole's assertion that the brain is an erogenous zone. it's so dead on. and i'm not used to looking at people and thinking of them in terms of anything other than a kind of artwork. (hence my whole thing with the facial structure?) people are mostly very beautiful to look at. it's amazing the different ways people can be attractive. and it's so hard to find someone genuinely ugly. or at least not based on looks. i think, though, my opinion of people's physical features is slanted by my view of their personality. ok, now that i'm totally off topic...
so here's my discovery: i'm a sensualist. don't look at me like that. let me explain. i get distracted in classes now on occasion because i'm thinking about someone. no, not that way. i'm thinking about touching his face. often. it's a little odd. i want to hear his voice and touch his jaw, and every now and again i'm thinking about licking his ears. yikes. wah. so i'm not paying the strictest of attention to dr. regelski because i'm just thinking about someone's face. yes, you're looking at me funny again. sigh. i don't care. i'm still thinking about his face. i want to put my hands in his hair. sigh. good night.
so i'm having anger and resentment issues
yes, i love my mother. i love both of my parents. i love my whole screwed up family. yes, i'm also bitter. now my mother is on a kick where she has decided Something Must Be Done! she tells me i'm angry and resentful. i'm well aware that i'm angry and resentful. being the incredibly conscientious parent she is, she tells me she wants me to work this out because anger is not good for me. this is true, i'll grant you, but i don't think my mother is honestly that much of a selfless person.
i've been having a heck of a lot of discussions about my parents lately with many people, and i've been bitter throughout. this is largely because of mom's recent decree that no, i should not visit my sister. i ask her why. she says it will be less expensive for her. my mother can afford this stupid plane ticket. my mother has been telling me since september i should visit my sister. she's been taking more frivolous trips and vacations these past couple years than most people take in ten. she was perfectly willing to shove me off from fredonia to utah not three months ago. damn you, i know you aren't broke, and this excuse with your hands held wide in fake innocence seems to amuse you. god, you are really petty at times. what is your honest reason for my staying here?
here's why i believe all this is really going on. for at least three years now my sister has been the black sheep of the family. debi has gone through some hard times, and mom couldn't relate to it. mom decided debi wasn't trying, or she was not worthwhile, or something of the sort. i end up looking like the golden child. i have my problems and i always will, but next to my severely depressed sister, i'm now a quasi-deity. this is so wrong. if anyone needs to be more treasured, it's the one who doesn't know her own worth. don't value one child above the other, it's just wrong. always. *sigh*
so now things have changed. my sister has pulled her life back together, rather admirably, i feel. she has a decent job, her own apartment, and a boyfriend who, god bless him, actually loves and respects her. this really makes me happy. mom's happy too, or so i gather. unfortunately, now we have time to look at our other daughter. is she really doing as well as we'd like? no. she's not doing well enough, we feel. she's taking an average of fourteen classes a semester, but never mind that. if she doesn't have better grades than this, she must not be working hard enough. why don't we torment her about that? i'm sure a negative stimulus where we tell her how unsatisfactory she is will help the situation. oh, and look, she doesn't have her license yet. we think she should drive us around. (after all, my mother behind the wheel is a threat to all humanity) having observed how our younger daughter is so bloody responsive to coercion(!), and never ever takes being shoved at and forced into things amiss,(!) why don't we just nag her until she gives in to our lack of reasoning in this manner?
then let us consider the bitterness this particular daughter has toward her mother. where could it possibly have come from? i love my child with all my heart and i want the best for her. this means i couldn't have possibly really done anything wrong. she's just being overly sensitive. the fact that i've been telling her all of her bloody life that she's overly sensitive doesn't do her any harm. the fact that i think her tears and temper are all fake and i tell her so doesn't do her any harm. obviously she just needs to resolve her anger issues. and she will do so upon my command.
AND HERE'S WHERE IT ENDS
i feel she should take care of this now, so going to utah would be detrimental to my plan. obviously i can't tell her outright that this is why she shouldn't go, so i'll just not tell her. that has always worked in the bloody past! i'll just decide what she needs for her. after all, i am the bloody pinnacle of knowledge, logic and empathy, so of course i know better!
thank you mom. thank you so much for throwing me at counselors from the age of eight or nine. thank you for constantly making me feel like a liar. thank you for your absolute lack of all empathy. thank you for your belief that i really need your help and i have not yet learned how to run my own life. thank you for not wanting me to have control of myself. thank you for making me feel afraid in my own home. thank you for all the anxiety, nervousness and sick feelings in my stomach i get more frequently when talking to you or at home.
yes, i'll forgive you. yes, i still love you. yes, i know that anger is not good for me. but i can't do it all now. not while you're still pushing. i want to get away so that i can forgive you. i need time. i need to be myself.
just let go.