I slowly pulled away from Joel and opened my eyes. His remained closed for another second before I found them staring back into mine. My knees felt weak. It had been so long since I had kissed him, but it was just as amazing as ever. With Joel everything just felt right. Things felt normal. Perfect, even.
There were so many thoughts running through my head. I wanted to run far away from him, I wanted to kiss him again, and I wanted to hit him. I didn't know what to do. What was he thinking? What was I thinking? Kissing him had brought back all these intense feelings.
"I love Liz," He stated, his voice slightly quivering.
"What?" I asked, not sure of what I was hearing.
"I love Liz," He stated again. This time more firmly.
Now I was beginning to get angry. He couldn't just kiss me like that and then tell me that he loved Liz. It wasn’t fair. He couldn't just play with my emotions like that.
"Who are you trying to convince? You or me?" I shouted at him. The loudness of my voice startled me.
I couldn't stand to look at him anymore. It was physically making me hurt. I was staring at the floor; my eyes threatened by tears.
"Emilie," Joel spoke my name softly. He reached out to touch my shoulder. I quickly pulled away from him, "Don't touch me."
The words came out before I could even think about what I was saying. I didn't mean to say them so harshly, but I didn't want him trying to console me.
He quickly pulled his hand away and we just stood there silently as if we were afraid to say anything; afraid of saying the wrong things. I couldn't gather my thoughts. I didn't know what to say. I just wanted to crawl into bed and cry. I used to have this real relationship with Joel. One where I felt that I had met someone who truly understood me and I, in turn, felt that I honestly knew him. What the hell happened to that? For the first time in awhile I felt an immense loss over the relationship. Ever since Joel had left there was a huge empty hole in my life. Every guy that I attempted to start a relationship with couldn't fill that void. I had tried so long to get Joel out of my head, but he was always somewhere in the back of my thoughts.
What hurt me the most was that it seemed it was so easy for Joel to forget about me. Some nights I almost wished that I had never met Joel because I was hurting so much. I hadn’t just lost a boyfriend. I had lost one my best friends in the entire world, my confidant and if I believed in such things, my soulmate.
"You can't just do that," I said finally breaking the silence. "You can't just come in here and--" "I'm sorry for kissing you. I just...it was an impulse." Joel quickly cut me off.
"Is that all it was? An impulse? Because it's not fair to me, Joel! Do you have any idea what your sudden impulse just did?" I looked at him waiting for any kind of a response, but he just stood there looking slightly guilty. "I thought maybe I could just try to be happy for you and Liz, but I can't. You kissing me right now just completely made that impossible. I don't want to feel like I can't be happy for you because I really want to, but I miss you. I miss us. No other relationship has ever made me feel the way that I felt when I was with you."
I realized then that I had said way too much, but I couldn't help it. Kissing him at made me want to tell him everything I was feeling. What I had just managed to say to him wasn't even the half of it.
"God, I'm so sorry Emilie," Joel closed his eyes for a second, collecting himself before continuing. "You know I would never purposely hurt you, but you and I left things so messy. I almost felt as if you didn't want to be with me anymore. That night when I left your apartment, I must have cried the whole night. I was so scared of not being with you, but you didn't say anything that night to make me believe that you wanted to still try to make us work. Then you hardly ever called and I never called. We were both so stubborn and stupid. Then I met Liz and I had to let you go. I couldn't hold on to something that didn't exist anymore. I was telling you the truth when I said no one could ever replace you. Liz didn't replace you. No one could ever replace you, but I think maybe we both have grown up and grown apart. Kissing you just now was wrong, but I just couldn't help it. I felt like nothing had changed minutes ago and it was back to the way it was between us. When I'm with you I still feel like I never left, but that's not true. I can't hurt Liz. .....You'll always have a place in my heart, Em."
I was trying hard to process all of what Joel was saying to me. It was all my fault that we weren't together. My mind again flashed back to that night when he left. I should have told him just how much I loved him. I should have told him that no one could ever replace him either. I could have maybe saved our relationship, but I was too afraid of making it harder on me. I was trying to make it easier not having him around. Now that I hadn't said anything I was hurting more than I could have ever fathomed. Joel was telling me he was happy now and I wasn’t. It was as simple as that.
"So, I guess this the official breakup that we never got, huh?" I said trying my best not to burst into tears.
Joel reached out and wrapped me into a hug. I didn't resist, "Yeah, I guess it is." He whispered to me.
I let Joel hold me for a few minutes. I closed my eyes and tried to pretend that we had gone back in time.
"I'll talk to you later." He said softly as he released me from the hug and then quietly left the apartment.
A few minutes after he left, I let myself cry. I had cried so much in the past day, but not like this. This was a full outpouring of every bit of hurt, anger, and sadness that had built up inside of me. I knew now that Joel and I were over. Before I always held on to a sliver of hope that maybe we could be together again, but now I knew that it wasn't want he wanted. Liz was who he wanted and I was going to have to deal with it and be a good friend. To both of them.