We had been sitting there for a few minutes and I found myself pouring yet more sugar into my coffee. I hated sugar in coffee, but I had to keep myself occupied. Why was this so hard? I was acting as if it were some uncomfortable blind date. My hand was stopped abruptly as Joel placed his own over mine. I ignored the tingle that shot up my spine. I refused to acknowledge that the small touch of his hand could still affect me. Instead, I looked up at him with questioning eyes.
“Why do you keep adding sugar? You hate sugar in coffee,” he stated with an almost amused look on his face.
“Maybe I like it now,” I simply replied trying hard to sound like I meant it. At that moment I hated that he knew me so well. He removed his hand from mine and I gently placed the spoon on the table. I practically had to force myself to look at him. He looked good…happy, but tired. I knew he was working hard, but he had always dreamed of this. I was proud of him. I always would be. No matter what.
“What are you thinking about?” He asked suddenly, snapping me out of my momentary daze.
I smiled sheepishly, “Nothing. Just that you look good. Tired, but good.”
He smiled and replied, “You don’t look too bad yourself.” He glanced down before looking back up at me. “You know I’ve missed you and that I’m sorry it ended the way it did…”
“You don’t have to explain anything. That was all in the past. We were both at fault for letting it end the way it did.” I quickly cut him off. I didn’t want to hear it. I couldn’t take hearing any of it. The truth was that I didn’t feel like it was all in the past. I felt like it all occurred yesterday. Whoever I dated I wound comparing to Joel. It wasn’t fair to them or to me. I couldn’t tell Joel this though. There was no reason to. It was over and I had to accept that.
He stared at me for a second as if he was carefully weighing his words.
“I did miss you though. I really did. You’ve been my best friend forever. You’ve always been one of the only people I could count on.”
Why was he saying this to me now? Was it supposed to change something? I suddenly became angry. He came to see me now after almost 3 years of not even a phone call to tell me that he missed me while on the road?!
“Ok.” I replied. I felt as if I said anymore my anger would become evident through my words.
“Ok? Is that all you have to say?” Now he was getting annoyed, “I tell you that I’m sorry and that I missed you and you don’t say anything else but ok?”
It was my turn to raise my voice, “What else do you want me to say Joel? That I missed you too? It doesn’t change anything! You know I missed you! Why do you need me to say it?!” I was fighting back tears. I couldn’t cry and let him know how much I wished things were different.
“I’m sorry.” He said in a low voice, “I didn’t come here to fight with you. I came to ask you something.”
He looked nervous and this suddenly made me nervous.
“What?” I asked softly almost afraid of what he might say.
He took a breath before continuing, “It’s not just a request from me. It’s also from Liz.”
Liz? Liz, as in Liz my former best friend? Liz, the girl I hadn’t spoken to in almost a year? Joel and Liz hardly knew each other. They met briefly through me back when Joel and I were still dating. What could Joel have to ask me that involved Liz? I looked at Joel with a confused look. He glanced down quickly and back up at me and continued,“Liz…well Liz and I want you to be the maid of honor. At our wedding.”
I thought for a second that I was hearing things. I did not just hear Joel say that he and Liz were getting married. It must have been all that sugar in my coffee that was making me hear things. This was not happening. This couldn’t be happening.
“Emilie?” Joel spoke my name gently, “What do you say?"
I looked up at Joel trying hard not to show the shock or hurt that I was feeling. I nodded slowly, “Sure….of course.” I said in the happiest voice I could muster.
Joel was practically beaming. He got up from his seat and reached over to give me quick kiss on the cheek and a hug.
“Thank you.” He said as he hugged me. “Thank you so much. You have no idea what this means to me and to Liz. I’ll call you later. The rest of the guys are dying to see you.” He said. His voice still echoed with excitement. I waited until I knew he was gone before I let the tears fall freely down my face. I felt like my heart had just been broken into a million little pieces.