I sat there staring into space for at least 20 minutes. I felt like if I went to stand up I’d just fall down. I had stopped crying finally and I grabbed my cell phone out my bag. I started punching in the numbers for my apartment when I realized Pam, my roommate, wasn’t even home. I let out a sigh as I hit the “clear” button. I could call Leigha, but I didn’t want to bother her. Leigha was one of my closest friends. We had been friends since the 8th grade. I couldn’t explain it. We just clicked and we really understood each other. I quickly dialed her number and waited impatiently as it rang for the third time.
“Hello?” she answered
I felt guilty for calling her. She shouldn’t have to take care of me. I was probably being overdramatic anyway.
“I’m sorry for calling, but I just need someone to talk to.” I said and realized how my voice was still wavering.
“Em? What’s wrong? Where are you?” She asked in a worried voice.
“I’m at the coffee place that we always go to. I just met with Joel and…” I let my voice trail off. I couldn’t say it.
“Oh…Em. I’m coming to get you now. Please calm down, sweetie.” She told me in a sincere voice. Leigha obviously knew all the guys, was friends with Liz at one point too and of course about Joel and me.
Ten minutes after our call ended Leigha entered the coffee place and immediately rushed over to my table. I stood up just as she reached me and she drew me into a tight hug. We didn’t say anything on the drive to my apartment. She knew I didn’t want to talk about it right then.
When we reached my apartment Leigha went directly to my freezer and pulled out the ice cream that she knew was there. Ice cream was a weakness of mine. I didn’t usually eat junk food, but I loved ice cream. Leigha made two bowls and set one down in front of me as she took the seat across the table.
“Thanks Lee.” I said with a small smile.
“Not a problem,” she smiled back at me and then continued, “Do you want to talk about what happened?” she asked slowly. I didn’t really want to, but I knew that I needed to.
I nodded and took a breath before starting, “He called me early this morning and asked to meet me for coffee at 12. I was surprised obviously since we haven’t even spoken in awhile, but I decided to go. You have no idea how nervous I was Lee. I even thought about leaving the coffee place, but then he walked in. He looked really good. Really happy. I realized how much I missed seeing him. It was strange being so uncomfortable around him, you know? It was never like that before, but today it was so hard to even look at him. He then started to apologize for the way we ended, but I cut him off. I didn’t want to talk about that. But then he went on to say that he missed me and how I was one of his closest friends. I couldn’t help it, but I was angry. We hardly spoke for the past 2 years and he says that I’m one of his closest friends?! So, I didn’t really say anything after he said that and he got annoyed. So then I got annoyed that he was annoyed. We could both tell we were getting nowhere in the conversation so he apologized and then said he had something to ask me….” I paused as I felt my eyes starting to burn. Leigha nodded reassuringly urging me to continue.
“He said that it was something that Liz wanted to ask me also. I was so confused when he mentioned her. He then asked me if I wanted to be the Maid of Honor at his wedding. Liz and Joel are getting married.” I looked at Leigha and she had a shocked expression on her face. I felt a few tears slip down my face as I continued, “I honestly couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I still can’t believe it.”
Leigha looked a mixture of shocked, upset, and pissed off.
“So, what did you say?” she asked trying to keep her voice even.
“I said yes. I didn’t know what else to say. If I said ‘no’ I would have no excuse.”
“You said YES!” Leigha let out in a burst of anger, “Em! You don’t have to be in their wedding! I can’t fucking believe Joel! How can he ask you to be in his wedding?! Is he completely stupid? And Liz? His getting married to Liz? That little bitch. I knew I hated her for a reason. I bet she’s just asking you because she knows how much it’s going to hurt you to be there. I swear I’m going to kick his ass next time I see him!” Leigha ranted and then stopped when she saw the expression on my face.
“I’m so sorry, Em.” She said as she said softly as she hugged me, “You don’t deserve this.”
“I have a headache.” I managed to get out. I was tired of crying. I wish this day had never happened.
“Go lay down for a little bit. I’ll hang out here and watch TV until you wake up. Then we’ll go out for some food and we’ll stop by their house. You’ll get to see the rest of the guys.” Leigha said. I didn’t want Leigha to have to hang out in my house bored while I slept, but I knew there was no way she was going to leave.
“Ok.” I replied simply, knowing I had no choice.
I walked into my room and pulled a pair of comfy pants and a t-shirt out of my drawer. I quickly changed and slipped under the covers. I shut my eyes willing myself to fall asleep, but all I could think about was Joel and Liz. I rolled on my side trying to get into a comfortable position. I finally felt myself drift off into an uneasy sleep.
***
“I can’t believe you’re leaving tomorrow.” I said trying to keep the sadness out of my voice. I didn’t want him to go, but I knew wanting him to stay was selfish.
“I know. I can’t believe it either, but things won’t change all that much.” He attempted a reassuring smile. It wasn’t all that reassuring to me.
“Yes they will.” I said quietly not willing to look into his eyes.
An almost hurt expression appeared on his face, “What makes you say that?”
“Oh come on Joel. We can’t pretend like things aren’t going to change. That’s not fair to you or to me. You’re going to tell me that you’re going to write and call often, but you won’t. You’ll probably meet some girl and soon you you’ll forget all about me.” As soon as those words exited my mouth I wished I could take them back. I couldn’t believe I had just said all those things that had been eating away from me since I found out he was leaving.
“How can you say that? I can’t believe you would even think that! It makes me think you don’t know me very well at all.” He responded angrily.
“Maybe I don’t. Maybe you don’t really even know me either.” I responded flatly
I knew that wasn’t true. It felt that I knew him better than I knew myself at times and he knew me better than anyone else.
“Don’t fucking say that. You know that’s not true. Stop trying to make me the bad guy in this just so it can be easier on you,” His voice was full of anger, but then softened with his next comment,” you know this is killing me too.”
I looked directly into his eyes and saw that he too was holding back tears. I felt horrible. I didn’t know what to do or to say.
“Is it really?” I asked. I knew it was. I could tell that by just looking at him, but I felt like this would be easier on both of us if I pretended to not care.
He didn’t respond to the comment. Instead we stood there staring at each other for a few minutes. The next thing I knew we were hugging each other. We must have stood like that for 10 minutes. Neither of us saying anything.
“You know no one can ever replace you.” He whispered into my ear.
I nodded my head slowly not able to say anything. I hoped that was true. He released me from the hug and just stared into my eyes for another second. He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. I suddenly had the urge to kiss him, but I didn’t. I knew it would do nothing but cause this to hurt even more. If that was at all possible.
Without another word he left the room. I felt like part of me left with him. I was such a bitch. I knew no one could ever replace him either and he left without knowing that.
***
I woke up and had no idea where I was. I hadn’t thought about the day Joel had left in the longest time and now I felt as if I just relived it. The dream was so incredibly real. I shivered as I climbed out of bed and walked into the living room area. Leigha was still there as she said she would be.
“Hey. Sleep well?” she asked.
“Yup.” I lied. There was no use worrying her more.
She stood up and stretched, “Well, don’t just stand there. Go get ready.”
“Do we have to go?” I whined. I really didn’t feel like seeing anyone. Especially not the rest of the guys.
“We’re going. You’re not getting out of it.” Leigha sternly replied.
I sighed and walked back into my room. I knew there was no use in arguing with her.