In the end, Neil decided that he would take his punishment like a man. He had no intention of telling Madeline about his cyber affair. What point would it serve but to hurt her and ruin any chance they had for reconciliation? If his penance was to keep the secret and live with the guilt that ensued, so be it.

It felt like lying. But he couldn’t justify telling her the truth. Not now.

He started to slide out of bed, but Madeline’s hands reached out to trap his waist. “Don’t go,” she whispered sleepily.

He stroked her temple with his fingers, and she turned her head in the direction of his hand. “I’ll be back in a little while. I need to check on the kids.”

Immediately contrite, Madeline murmured, “I’m sorry, I should have thought of that myself. They must be very upset.”

That was a major understatement. Neil brought her hand to his lips and kissed it. “They’ll feel a whole lot better when they see how things have changed.”

“Have they?” Madeline struggled to raise herself up on one elbow, casting an anxious glance at her husband. “Have they changed, Neil?”

Answering a question with another question, Neil replied, “Don’t you think so?”

She smiled.

***

Neil walked through the house, clicking on lights here and there. It was late afternoon when he and Madeline first found each other again, and now it was near dark. Clad only in a fresh pair of sun-bleached jeans and a cotton shirt that hung open, Neil kept an eye out for Connor and Kady.

He found them in his study. At the computer. Biting back a gasp of horror, Neil casually asked Connor, “What are you doing?”

Connor’s dark blue eyes, so like his own, made contact. “Ssh,” he whispered, indicating the dark-haired little girl sitting attentively at his side. “Kady’s playing a game.”

Neil breathed a sigh of relief. “You’re not on the Net, then?”

Connor shook his head. “No. Did you want something, Dad?”

“Just wanted to…um…check something out on the computer.” Yeah, I want to see if there’s any email from MidnightRider. So I can delete it. Without reading it first, of course.

“But it can wait.”

Connor brightened. “Good. Because I finally got her calmed down, Dad. I don’t want her to get upset all over again,” Connor added softly.

“Of course,” Neil agreed. That made sense. Of course, it did. So why did he feel this overwhelming compulsion to connect with MidnightRider? Right…now.

Neil backed out of the room and closed the door. Laptop. Maddy’s laptop. It was in her office. He would just log on using her laptop and get rid of the mail. That would make him feel better. Oh, the old mail would still be on the hard drive of his own computer. But it was password-protected. Connor couldn’t get into the file by mistake. And he was certainly no hacker. Not like Sasha.

Moments later, Neil settled into Madeline’s chair and booted up her laptop. She used the same service that he did. It was just a matter of signing on as a “guest”. He scrolled to the sign-in page, searching for the “guest” logon.

Madeline had more than one screenname. There were five or six attached to this account alone. He didn’t understand why she had so many, but the service was relatively cheap, so it wasn’t something that actively bothered him.

His nose twitched as his eyes caught something. Huh? Couldn’t be.

But there it was. In black and white. MidnightRider. How was that even possible? Wondering idly if his own guilty conscience was playing some kind of trick on him, Neil didn’t immediately react.

When he did, he forced back a wave of outrage so strong, he wanted to scream.

Maddy was MidnightRider? The creative, spontaneous, animated and enthusiastic cyberlover he called MidnightRider was his wife? He’d been falling in love with his wife? All over again?

Coming hard on the back of that thought was the next. He was beating himself up for crossing the line, for getting overly involved with another woman, while that woman was…what? Madeline demonstrated no remorse for the affair. Not the way Neil had. But then, the logical part of his brain insisted that Madeline had always had a knack for compartmentalizing her feelings. It was one of the things that led to her reputation as the Ice Queen at Section.

Trying to give his wife the benefit of the doubt, he thought, It’s not that she doesn’t feel guilty. She just doesn’t feel the guilt the same way I do. She doesn’t allow herself to feel. That way led to imperfection.

Well, dammit, he would show her what she could do with her perfect face and her perfect body! If she had shown him half the interest that she showed MidniteCowboy, the affair never would have happened in the first place.

Neil powered down the laptop with an enigmatic look on his face. All that passion still lurked below the surface…the little hypocrite. If it wasn’t so tragic, it would be comical. Here he was, a grown man, jealous of…*himself*.

Well, some people needed to be put back in their place. With a vengeance.

***

Connor heard the shouting and looked nervously at his sister. Kady was oblivious. Preoccupied with coaching Barbie through her Dream House, Kady was lost in a world of her own making. Where mothers and fathers accepted their kids. And each other.

“Stay here, Kady,” he said, patting his sister on the shoulder. But he knew the direction wasn’t necessary. She seemed oddly content to remain where she was.

He crept down the hall to his parents’ room, wincing as the shouting grew louder. Here and there he could make out actual words. His father sounded angry. He had never heard his father raise his voice in anger. Not really. Not like this.

There was a thump. Connor gasped. It sounded like furniture moving. What were they doing in there? Killing each other?

Connor ran.

***

By the time Connor got to the Samuelle kitchen, he was out of breath. “Come, come quick!”

Faith stared stonily at the young boy she had known all his life. “You must have me confused with somebody else, Connor.”

“Aw, Faith, don’t be like that now. This is more important that our stupid argument!”

“Oh, yeah? More important than…hurting your best friend’s feelings?” Faith wiped surreptitiously at her cheek, realizing that she was indeed hurt by Connor’s abrupt withdrawal of his friendship and love. It was something she had always counted on, something she assumed would be there. Forever.

“Feeee…” he drawled out her name. “There’s no time for this.”

“I know. You never have any time for me anymore. That’s okay. I don’t need you either,” Faith said bitterly.

“Faith!” Connor grabbed the young girl by the shoulders and shook her gently. “You’re the one who pushed me out of your life! Not the other way around!”

“So? Maybe I made a mistake. I’m…” Faith locked gaze with her former best friend, clearly imploring Connor to understand, to unbend, to forgive.

“You’re what, Fee?” Temporarily sidetracked by his own emotional issues, Connor let himself be distracted by the young girl who still held his heart captive.

***

Neil pushed Madeline away with such force that she landed on the bed behind her with a definite bounce. “Neil!” she cried out, unable to believe this was her husband.

“Maddy!” he shouted. “So when were you going to tell me about this other side of you? This other life you’re leading?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Neil.”

He leaned close, his eyes hot on her mouth, his breath rasping across her lips. “Save the lies…MidnightRider.”

She gasped. “How…how did you know?”

“Does it matter? How could you give yourself with such abandon to someone else when you’ve been starving me for a touch of your hand for months?”

Madeline frowned, the puzzled look doing nothing to detract from her elegant beauty. “How do you know what I’ve been doing?”

“He told me,” Neil declared triumphantly.

“Who?”

“MidniteCowboy.”

“Oh, my God!”

Oh, yeah, payback was such a bitch.

“Neil, please don’t do this.”

He finished tying the last of the silk scarves around her wrists and her ankles, making sure her limbs were comfortable but secure. “It’s only fair.”

“Hurting me won’t make you feel better, Neil. I know. I’ve done it. You think it will. But it never does.”

Neil straightened up and gave Madeline an exasperated look, a lock of dark blond hair falling over his forehead for punctuation.

“I have no intention of hurting either of us, Maddy.”

“Then what are you doing?”

“Taking back what belongs to me.”

“Neil, please don’t force me.”

“I won’t have to.” Neil smiled. “I want what you were so willing to give him.”

“I don’t know what he told you, Neil, but that’s not the way it was. I didn’t offer anyone anything that I haven’t given you.”

“Liar. You gave him a spontaneous act of love. You’ve never given me that.”

“You’re jealous!” she exclaimed.

He closed his eyes as pain surged through him at the thought of someone else possessing what was his. She was right. He was jealous. Worse, he was angry. At himself. He’d started this, and he would finish it. But in the end, would they hate each other?

All this time, Madeline had been taking Neil and his love for granted. He was acceptable background noise. Eventually it became a vicious cycle. She ignored him, and he stopped trying to get her attention. But now…now that he knew what she was still capable of, he was furious that she let someone else feel that passion. His head ached. He knew that they had not really betrayed each other. Somehow, God saw fit to inject yet a little more irony into their lives. They thought they had found kindred spirits in the Ethernet. They had. But they had found only themselves.

Neil looked as though he’d been struck by lightning. He had no right to extract revenge from Madeline, or at least, no more than she had. They were equally guilty. The only difference was that Madeline didn’t know it.

“Maddy?” Neil spoke his wife’s name hoarsely, knowing he could very well be unleashing a fury far beyond anything he had seen before.

Her bittersweet chocolate eyes traveled over Neil’s face almost lovingly. He tried to absorb what that meant. It meant something. She…*liked* the fact that he was jealous. Like a child constantly testing limits, she had succeeded in doing something so outrageous that Neil could not help but notice. It might not have been her conscious intention, but…God, they were both pathetic.

Suddenly anxious to undo what he had done, Neil began to work furiously at the bonds that held Madeline. When one hand was free, she touched his face, with tenderness, not anger. “Don’t.”

He blinked. “Wh-what?” He stared at her, his dark blue eyes made even darker by the burden of pain he shouldered.

She indicated the wrist he had freed. “You’ve never done anything like this before, Neil. Don’t stop now.”

Neil looked incredulous. “You want me to--?”

“Don’t you want to? I think you need to.”

“What are you saying, Maddy? That all this time you’ve been waiting for me to lose control?”

“Maybe. Just a little bit.”

“But you’ve never given me any hint that—“

“That what I really wanted was for you to take charge of me?” Madeline smiled faintly. “I’ve been able to intimidate virtually everyone I’ve ever known, Neil. When I first met you, I thought what I needed was security, and you gave me that.”

“But?”

“But it wasn’t enough. Once I felt secure, I started to feel like…” She paused, lost in thought, and Neil interrupted.

“If you tell me I was boring you, I—“ Neil didn’t know what he would do if she said that. He thought he might die.

“No,” she said softly. “I was lucky, Neil. When I found you, I found an equal. I didn’t think I would ever find someone I couldn’t dominate easily. But I did.”

“I don’t see myself that way, Maddy.”

“You wouldn’t. But it’s true. From the very beginning, you’ve given as good as you get. Then…things changed.” She stroked his cheek with one slender finger, and he closed his eyes, focused completely on her touch.

“I screwed up,” he stated flatly.

She shook her head, then realized that he couldn’t see the gesture. She tapped the side of his face gently, and he opened his eyes. “You let me have whatever I wanted,” she said sadly.

“I loved you,” he protested.

She winced at the sound of the past tense on his lips. “I started pushing you. Maybe I just wanted to see how far I could go before you would stop me. I don’t know.” She raised tortured dark eyes to his face. “Oh, Neil, you stopped pushing back.”

Tears came unbidden into his eyes. “And now I’ve lost you.”

“No…you finally became angry enough to try to dominate me. You were winning, Neil. Don’t stop now.”

He leaned over and kissed her. She could taste his tears on his lips. It should have been a kiss that would make both of them forget what they nearly gave up. But it was goodbye. She could feel it.

“Neil! Don’t you dare leave me, you son-of-a-bitch,” she swore in a loud whisper.

“You need to know the rest, Maddy.” Oh, God, he was going to do it. He was going to sacrifice himself on the altar of guilt, and he would spend the rest of his days a broken, lonely man.

“I don’t know why you haven’t asked me before now, but…the reason I know what you did as MidnightRider is because…I’m MidniteCowboy.”

He didn’t know what reaction he had expected, but laughter wasn’t it.

“Maddy? Did you hear me? I said I’m—“

“Yes, Neil, I know.” She continued to laugh, and for once in her life, she enjoyed her own laughter, instead of feeling like it was trapped there beneath the cool, elegant facade she wore like armor.

“I—you know?”

She nodded. “For someone like me, it wasn’t that difficult to figure out.”

“But—“ Neil’s face drained of all color. “You’re not upset?”

“You chose me, Neil. How could I be upset with a man who feels jealous of himself?”

“I would always choose you, Maddy. I love you.” With that, he buried his face in her long dark brown hair.

***

Faith and Connor stood outside the master bedroom, listening for signs of violence.

“I don’t hear anything, Connor. Maybe they made up.”

“Maybe they killed each other, Fee. You didn’t hear them!”

Faith touched the doorknob, her hand freezing there. “We can’t just barge in, Connor. Grown-ups really hate when you do that. Trust me on this.”

“Wouldn’t you want someone to barge in and save you, if you were being held by a madman?”

A curious twinkle entered Faith’s now bright green eyes. “That depends on who the madman is. Is it you?”

All the spit in his mouth dried up. Faith was looking at him in that special way she had. Just like years ago. When they were little kids in the throes of first love with each other.

“Pooh….” Connor’s nickname sounded perfectly at home on Faith’s lips now. How could he object?

“Can we still be best friends?” she asked.

Just best friends? he wanted to ask, but he controlled himself. He always asked for too much, and he was constantly disappointed.

“I dunno, Tig. You know how I feel about you. Does it still bother you? Cause I don’t think…I know it’s not going to be change.”

“Well…” Faith drawled out, grabbing Connor’s hand in hers. She swung their intertwined hands back and forth several times, her face so bright and sunny that she could have rivaled Emmy for once.

“I think we’re both sorta too young for undying love, Pooh, but…I want you back. I don’t want you to run off and find a new best friend, Pooh.”

“Maybe you’ll change your mind when you get a little older, Tigger.”

“Maybe you will, too, Pooh.”

“Can I kiss you, Tig?” he whispered, spellbound at the sight of their hands. Together.

Her changeable eyes danced. “I think you’d better, Pooh. Just to seal the deal, of course.”

“Of course,” he replied hoarsely. She was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen, and he knew right then that he would never stop hoping that they could be together forever.

The moment Connor’s lips touched hers, Faith felt like something in her universe shifted. Not off-balance. But it was as if she had finally found the missing piece of a jigsaw puzzle. It settled into its rightful place with a certain inevitability. She couldn’t explain it, but she felt like more than she was before.

“I’d better go home. Mom and Dad will be worried if I’m out after dark.” I love you, Connor.

“I’ll walk you back.” I love you, too, Faith. Always have. Always will.

She inclined her head towards the bedroom door. “Still think they’re fighting?”

Connor shrugged. “Nah.”

***

They weren’t fighting. But it was a struggle of sorts. Neil’s instinctive reaction was to cover Madeline with softness, but she didn’t want that. She wanted the man she had gotten a glimpse of the night before.

“Take what you want, Neil,” she exhorted.

“Are you sure?”

She bit his earlobe and sighed her assent.

“I might muss your perfect hair,” he said with a grin, starting to enjoy his new role. He would always be her protector, but there was something to be said for acting the occasional warrior prince.

“Take me, dammit,” she said, straining to get closer to his now naked body.

He sucked her lower lip into his mouth, nibbling and chewing on it determinedly until it was quite swollen. He felt a freedom he had never had before. He wanted to explore her entire body and claim each and every part of it.

“You don’t give the orders around here,” he said, the only sign that he was not being deliberately hurtful, a suspicious sparkle in his eyes.

“Please?” she whimpered.

He licked the side of her face, savoring the smooth texture of it with his tongue. He would never have dared to do this before. Why, the very thought of Maddy with drool on her face made him want to laugh.

Her wrists and ankles remained tied, her body exposed and vulnerable to his sensual assault. He whispered in her ear what he wanted to do to her, and she groaned. “Oh, my God, Neil….”

His lips made their way lower, stopping to swirl not so gently around the rigid nipple of her left breast. She felt his teeth, and the peremptory tug he gave her was almost enough to force her climax upon her.

“You never…” she gasped out.

But I will, from now on, he thought. He had never thought to take Madeline this way. Ever solicitous of her, he had pushed down his own desire until it was barely measurable anymore. But no more. They both wanted this.

He slid a hand between her legs. She was so hot, so wet, so…ready.

Probing at the entrance to her femininity, he fingered the tiny rosebud nestled within the dark curls. “Neil! Do it! Please!”

“Is this what you want, Maddy?” He poised his hardened length just outside the heart of her, just enough so that she could feel him. Hot, slick, throbbing.

“Yes!”

“Just checking,” he said with a chuckle, amazed that he was enjoying teasing her so much.

With a grunt that was totally unlike him, Neil entered her with one hard thrust. Normally, he would wait for her to adjust to him, but all bets were off now.

He began to stroke, hard and deep, and Madeline’s soft but insistent cries told him that he was in the right place.

Suddenly aware that this was so much more than making love, Neil claimed her again and again, striving toward the pinnacle.

“Maddy!” he yelled.

Certain that he was going to declare how much he loved her, Madeline smiled, a satisfied smile that stretched from head to toe. “Yes, Neil?” she asked dreamily.

He gave her a rakish grin. “This is about to get really messy!”

Realizing what he meant, she began to laugh. He was tweaking her need to be in control as well as her need to make everything perfect. “I’ll get over it,” she replied.

He took her with such abandon, she couldn’t help but follow him over the edge. He collapsed atop her body, panting and out of breath. He could feel something warm and wet between her legs as his seed leaked from her body. Her body continued to vibrate with fine little tremors under him.

In the past, he might have pulled out immediately, severing their bond as quickly as possible, knowing that Madeline would need to race into the bathroom and cleanse herself of the remnants of their lovemaking. He had never realized just how much that hurt. That she felt compelled to erase what he did to her.

Just thinking about that sped up the way he softened inside her. “I should get off,” he murmured, but she surprised him by holding him fast. “No, stay. Please, Neil?”

“But you never—“

But I will, from now on. I never knew it could feel this good to go spiraling out of control. The exhilaration is almost…too much.

Propping himself on his elbows, he allowed his slightly sweaty body to rest lightly on hers. “Maddy, I love you. And I’ll keep loving you, even if we never did this again.”

Knowing Neil needed some sort of a gesture to make him believe that things had truly changed, Madeline reached down between their bodies and touched herself. He looked down to see her taste the mingling of their essences. Rendered speechless for the moment, he could only stare, transfixed, as she touched her fingers to his lips, allowing him to taste them, too.

“Maddy….”

If there were worse things than getting messy, he would have sworn that Madeline didn’t know what they were. But this, this erotic gesture was so much more than that. It bespoke an acceptance of their relationship, emotional and physical, that went beyond anything they had settled for before.

“I love you, Neil.”

I can see that now.

He kissed her tenderly. Now he could surround her with softness.