"What do y’mean we’re like Declan?" Nikita turned horrified eyes to Michael. "What does he mean, Michael?"

Neil frowned. "Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you, Nikita. Your secret is safe with me."

"What do you mean, Neil?" Michael said calmly. "Madeline told you about us?"

Nikita was terrified, looking back and forth between the two men. "She told you? Michael..."

"Yeah, she told me," Neil admitted. "It’s okay. I don’t have a problem dealing with the military."

"Military?" Michael echoed carefully.

"Yeah, military intelligence. Like Declan. That’s where she met him. When she was with them. I know enough not to ask what agency." He held up both hands in a submissive gesture. "Please don’t consider me a threat."

Michael indulged himself in a small half-smile. Once again, Madeline’s quick thinking and creative mind would rescue the situation. "Well," Michael added, "we’re no longer with the military. We’re...retired."

Nikita glanced at Michael. Upon seeing the amusement in his eyes, she wrapped her arms around his neck, hiding a smile.

Neil smiled back at Michael, completely missing the undercurrents between him and Nikita. "Well," Neil said briskly, "shall we continue?"

"I need a urine sample and some blood. Which do you want to do first?"

Nikita stuck out her tongue. "Are those my only choices?"

"Yep, ‘fraid so." Neil smiled again as he saw Nikita beginning to relax.

***

After coming out of the bathroom, Nikita placed the small container on the counter. This wasn’t so bad, after all. But then her mind returned to the part of the exam she dreaded. Like a sore tooth, she kept probing and probing at it till it throbbed.

The genial doctor asked her to get undressed, and Nikita closed her eyes, swaying slightly on her feet. Michael caught her in his arms and said, "It’s okay, Kita. I’m right here."

She disappeared behind the privacy screen, and Michael took the opportunity to study Neil. Neil saw the blank stare and wondered at it. Such power behind those eyes. Yet not so long ago, he had seen both pain and love in those same eyes.

Nikita reappeared, clad only in a backless hospital gown. Her bare feet slapped the floor as she stepped over to the exam table. "How far along do you think you are, Nikita?" Neil asked as he slid on sterile gloves.

Nikita was mesmerized by the sight of the gloves, and she found herself momentarily unable to answer. "Ummm...two months, I think. Maybe a bit more."

"Morning sickness?"

"Yes."

"Well, we can’t hook you up to a fetal heart monitor yet, it’s too early in your pregnancy. But...I might have a surprise for you."

Neil grinned at the couple. Nikita winced. "Please, no surprises."

"Oh, but this is a good surprise. I have a Doppler right here in the office, if you’re at least 10 weeks along, we should be able to detect a fetal heartbeat."

She blinked, unsure how to take that news. It made it suddenly real. Not that it had been in the realm of fantasy, not with all the morning sickness and mood swings and all. But to be able to hear her baby’s heart beating? Oh, my God. She leaned on Michael, feeling weak and unsteady. That was when she saw his reaction. He was looking at her with such love in his eyes, his eyes gone grey and warm.

Michael smiled, then kissed her, right there, in front of the doctor. He slid his face along her cheek, away from Neil, and whispered to her, "I love you, doucette." She caught her breath and closed her eyes. "Michael," she said, in a tone that invoked all the complicated feelings she had for him. He listened carefully, hearing the implied ‘I love you’ in the way she said his name, and kissed her again.

Neil was positively beaming. "This is the part I love sharing with my OB patients. It’s such a pleasure to see such love and devotion. Thank you for letting me be part of your ‘moment’."

Nikita giggled, leaning her forehead against Michael’s. "No, thank you, Dr. Hunter."

"Okay, Nikita, now for the hard part." Fear covered Nikita like a thick blanket of fog. This was the part she had been dreading for days. The physical examination. She didn’t know why it should feel like such a violation. God only knew, she had been violated much worse by Section, and repeatedly, sometimes even by Michael himself, before he had allowed himself to admit that it was love and not manipulation that drove him to her side again and again. Still, a violation it was.

If Nikita searched inside herself deeply enough, she realized that what really scared her was not losing control, as she had thought, but the fear of losing herself inside that nightmare world of abuse again, of regressing again, of not being able to come back to Michael whole. But the thought of disappearing inside herself was not nearly as frightening to her as the thought of never seeing Michael as her husband again, of somehow relegating him to some subordinate caretaking role, as if she really were a child again.

She didn’t want to be touched intimately by anyone other than Michael. That was the truth. But she knew she had to do this for the sake of their baby. So she would plunge herself headlong into that dark tunnel that existed as entrance to the nightmare world she inhabited as a child, and she would hope that, like Alice through the Looking-Glass, she would someday return, different but better.

Nikita lay back on the examination table, clutching Michael’s hands in hers. He deliberately stood between her and the doctor, so that she could not see the doctor’s head working between her legs, or the bright light shining down on that area. When Neil first inserted his fingers inside Nikita’s body, she tensed so rigidly that Michael though she would tear his hands apart. When Neil then inserted the speculum inside her, Nikita arched her back and nearly leaped off the table. Neil saw that she was trying to control her hysteria, but he knew it was beyond her control. She was trapped inside her head, fighting the unseen.

Michael tried to restrain Nikita, but it seemed to intensify her panic. Neil withdrew the speculum and sighed. "Nikita, I know this is difficult for you, but I cannot medicate you safely at this point in your pregnancy. We need your cooperation. Can you do that?"

She shook her head sadly, tears coursing down her face. Michael grasped her hands and kissed them. "Kita," he whispered, "how can I help you?" A moment later, Michael was sitting on the edge of the exam table, holding her in his arms. "Okay, we’ll try something else."

He pulled a chair near the table and sat down. His shoulder was at the same level as Nikita’s body. He leaned forward, blocking her view of Neil completely. He stroked her face with his fingertips, murmuring to her in French. "Just pretend you’re home in bed, doucette. There is no one else here, but you and me. Look at me, Kita. Nowhere else."

Michael looked over his shoulder at Neil and nodded. Neil tried to insert the speculum again, and Nikita tensed again. Michael repeated his earlier direction, "Look at me, Kita." She focused on his face, but tears came to her eyes. When her lips started to tremble, Michael kissed her. "It’s okay, doucette. You’re doing fine."

She wanted to scream, but Michael’s eyes held her. He was hypnotizing her, controlling her pain through sheer force of will. When Neil began to take material for the pap smear, pain tore through her and nearly sent her reeling, but Michael ran his hands over her abdomen, trying to soothe her. "I love you, Kita."

"I love you, Michael." She groaned, a sob escaping her throat despite her attempts to control it. He laid his head down on her abdomen, staring directly into her eyes, and she knew, somehow, he was listening for their baby’s heartbeat, though he could not possibly hear it that way. She loved him so much at that moment, she couldn’t hold onto her pain. She let it float away from her, as if it were a balloon that had come untied from its string. She reached for him, and he grabbed her hand, pressing it to his other cheek.

Neil hated to interrupt such an obviously private moment, but he had good news. "Nikita, as far as I can estimate, based on the information you’ve given me, as well as the physical examination, you are indeed 10 weeks pregnant. So I am going to get the Doppler device, and we can see if we can hear your baby’s heartbeat yet."

He lowered the sheet over her body after withdrawing the speculum, and Nikita’s whole body relaxed. She waited for Neil to return, this time with real enthusiasm. "Michael, the baby is really there."

"Yes, Kita, I know." He smiled in amusement, but his heart was overflowing with other emotions as well, none of which he was particularly good at concealing right now.

Neil returned with the Doppler, and he searched Nikita’s abdomen for the best spot to listen. He listened carefully, his eyes flashing now and again, then suddenly he stopped, his entire face lit up. "Here! I’ve got it!"

He handed the end of the Doppler to Nikita, who looked perplexed and not a little overwhelmed. She listened...and listened...and then...her eyes grew impossibly wide. "Michael! It’s our baby!"

Michael glanced at Nikita, registering that she had finally said ‘our’ instead of ‘my’. Neil extended the other end of the Doppler to Michael, inviting him to listen as well. Michael started to decline, but Neil insisted. He put the Doppler to his ear, and when he heard the first sounds of their baby’s heart beating, he cried. "Kita..." He couldn’t say another word.

"Nikita, is there anyone else you would like to share this with?" Neil asked.

Nikita answered without a second’s hesitation. "Walter and Seymour. Please...go get them for me."

Neil left the two of them alone while he went to call Walter and Birkoff. Nikita looked at Michael, and she knew he was as happy as she. "Thank you..."

"For what, Kita?" he asked huskily.

"For loving me...and for giving me our baby...and at least a million other things I can’t remember at the moment..." she cried happily.

"Kita, I didn’t give you anything. We made it together, out of love, and passion, and all the good things that hold us together, even as the bad things threaten to tear us apart."

It was tough persuading Walter and Birkoff to come into the examining room. They were afraid of upsetting Nikita, but Neil repeatedly assured them that their presence was not only welcome, it was specifically requested by Nikita.

Walter looked uncomfortable, but Birkoff seemed on the verge of fainting. Michael looked at the two of them and softly said, "Come and hear the newest member of the family."

Nikita beamed at Walter, and he unbent slightly, reluctant to intrude. "I dunno, Sugar, this is kinda a personal thing between you and Michael, and I don’t wanna--"

"We want you to be the first to hear your grandchild, Walter. Now shut up and listen..." Nikita smiled peacefully, knowing when Walter finally heard the heartbeat by the beatific smile that spread over his entire face.

"Heyyy, that’s really something, isn’t it?" Walter grinned.

Michael agreed, his eyes reflecting how content he was with the idea of having a baby with Nikita. "It sure is."

Birkoff gingerly stepped closer to Nikita, almost apologetically taking the Doppler from Walter. "Wow...technology *is* beautiful. This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever heard."

He handed it back to Neil, and he shook his head. "Must be cause I’m, like, used to listening to these kinds of devices, but..."

Neil stared curiously at the younger man. "But what?"

"I thought I heard an irregularity, and I was wondering if you heard it, too."

"What kind of irregularity?" Neil wanted to throttle Birkoff now, if he was going to say something that made Nikita start hyperventilating now.

Everyone’s eyes were glued anxiously to Birkoff’s mouth, including Nikita’s. "Yes," she whispered, "what kind of irregularity?"

"Well...I hear a second heartbeat behind the first one."

"Meaning?" Walter asked.

"That there are two heartbeats..."

"Almost beating as one..."