I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. -Jeff Stilson-Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. -Jerry Seinfeld-
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. -Lily Tomlin-
Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer:May I see your driver's license?
Driver:I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer:May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver:It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer:The car is stolen?
Driver:That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the
glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer:There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver:Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer:There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver:Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain:Sir, can I see your license?
Driver:Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain:Who's car is this?
Driver:It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain:Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver:Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain:Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver:No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain:I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too
DOE RE MI BEER,
by Homer J. Simpson.
DOUGH... the stuff...that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... the distance to my beer
SO...... I think I'll have a beer...
LA...... La la la la la la beer
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to...(Looks into an empty glass)
D'OH!
MEN AND WOMEN
Are you tired of the battle between the sexes? Men and women are different. There's no question about it. But instead of focusing on the negative qualities of men and women, why not celebrate the positive qualities?
Let's start with the Ladies:
Women are compassionate, and loving, and caring.
Women cry when they are happy.
Women are always doing little things to show they care.
They will stop at nothing to get what they think is best for their children (best school, best prom dress, best dentist)Women have the ability to keep smiling when they are so tired they can hardly stand up.
They know how to turn a simple meal into an occasion.
Women know how to get the most for their money
They know how to comfort a sick friend.
Women bring joy and laughter to the world.
The know how to entertain children for hours on end!
They are honest and loyal.
Women have a will of iron under that soft exterior.
They will go the extra mile to help a friend in need.
Women are easily brought to tears by injustice.
They know how to make a man feel like a king.
Women make the world a much happier place to live.
Now, for the Men:
Men are good at moving heavy things and killing spiders.
Idiot # 1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation she happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.
Idiot # 2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon which activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Idiot # 3
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest lightin the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go to the Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Idiot # 4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Idiot # 5
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Idiot # 6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
Idiot # 7
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
Idiot # 8
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
19 Things Not To Say To The Officer
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?
4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist.
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
14. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence, bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around - that's how far they are ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
"According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men are: they're a bunch of liars." - Jay Leno
Feminist Slogan of the Week: If you cut off my reproductive choice, can I cut off yours?
This poem is made up entirely of actual quotations from George W. Bush. They have been arranged, only for aesthetic purposes, by Washington Post writer Richard Thompson. Too good not to share, especially during National Poetry Month.
MAKE THE PIE HIGHER by George W. Bush
I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
And potential mental losses.
Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the internet
Become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being
And the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope,
Where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize Society!
Make the pie higher! Make the pie higher!
A guy wanted to get in the temple on Yom Kippur, but without a ticket they don't let you in. He said, "Look, I just want to give a message to a friend in there."
The guy at the door says, "Sorry, you got to have a ticket."
The first guy replies, "Just let me in for one minute, then I'll be right out."
"Alright," says the guy at the door, "but I better not catch you praying."
The IRS has enacted the following Income Tax Form for the year ending 12/31/2000:
1. What was your Total income in 2000?
$_______________
2. Send it to us.
=================== Virus Warning Funny ===================
I don't normally send out virus warnings, but this one is extremely serious. Please read very carefully and take care! MP> If you receive an email entitled "Crazy Times" delete it immediately. Do not open it! Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, messes up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the "Crazy Times" message is opened in a Windows 95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skimmed milk with whole milk.
It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles. (Remember Brut 33 ?)
It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs of infection.
A nice girl brings home her fiance to meet her parents.
After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiance to his study for a chat.
"So, what are your plans?" the father asks the fiance.
"I am a Biblical scholar," he replies.
"A Biblical scholar. Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "...and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?"
"I will concentrate on my studies, God will provide for us."
"And children? How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide."
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiance insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "So? How did it go?"
"He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
"Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies." ---Milton Berle
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
Darwin awards strike again...for you who are into cigars...
A Charlotte NC man having purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stock-pile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay,citing the obvious reason:that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The man sued....and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the man for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
Ready to be turned about?
After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced him to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Darwin Award Contest
An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
Priest : Are you sorry for your sins?
Man : What sins?
Priest : What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man : I'm Jewish
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man : I'm telling everybody.
An army of Syrian soldiers, comprising tanks, mortar, infantry are traveling down the Golan heights to attack Israel. They come over the top of a hill, and down below is a small Jew yelling at them.
"Hey Abdul, I'm here and waiting. So Nu, send me a few of your best".
The Syrian commander angrily orders a group of infantry to attack. After the dust settles, there's the Jew laughing. "That's the best you got? I seen tougher soldiers at my wife's Tupperware Parties ".
Enraged, the Syrian commander turns to his top Colonel telling him to take a platoon of tanks and kill the Jewish pest.
Again the dust settles, and again only the little Jew is left standing. "That's it?" he yells, "that's the best you could do? With this you'll be lucky if you could defeat a girl scout group".
The Syrian commander is beside himself with anger. He's about to take his entire army to attack the one wacky Jew. Just then one of the wounded Syrian soldiers, lying on the battle field, lifts his head and yells to his commander "Go back, go back!... It's a trap, ....there are two of them
Mars Eclipses Venus
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.
A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while, neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
Then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. . . To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself:
Jeez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward. I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: So that means it was ...let's see ...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer. Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. Scumbags!
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, school girl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that... it's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.
Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the difference between men and women!
"Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies." - Honore de Balzac"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." - Mark Twain
A band director was having a lot of trouble with one of his drummers. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but performance didn't improve.
Finally, in front of the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
"A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you." -Jay Leno"Orville Wright said to his brother, Wilbur, 'You were only in the air for twelve seconds. How could your luggage be in Cleveland?'" -Red Buttons
"My son has taken up meditation...at least it's better than sitting around doing nothing." - Max Kauffman
A blond stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, ma'am?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?" asked the librarian.
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. You must be the person who took our phone book."
Did You Know...
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. Dunno about you but it hardly seems worth it!
Did you know.. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 8 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. Now that's more like it!
Did you know.. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. In my next life I want to be a pig! But how'd they figure this out, and why?
Did you know.. Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour. Don't try this at home. But maybe at work..
Did you know.. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair!
Did you know.. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. Hmmmmmmmmm........
Did you know.. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?
Did you know.. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight,can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. >From drinking little bottles of...? Did taxpayers pay for this research??
Did you know.. Polar bears are left handed. Who knew....? Who cares? How'd they find out, ask them?
Did you know.. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. What can be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?
Did you know.. The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. 30 minutes...can you imagine?? And why pigs?
Did you know.. A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. Creepy..
Did you know.. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. "Honey, I'm home. What the...." *Think of all the problems it would solve, girls: No post-coital snoring, wondering if he's going to stay for breakfast, waiting for him to sneak out... and ya KNOW he hasn't been with anyone else :)
Did you know.. Some lions mate over 50 times a day. In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity
Did you know.. Butterflies taste with their feet. Geez, that's almost as bad as catfish. Good thing they don't have sex for pleasure!
Did you know.. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. I know some people like that.
Did you know.. Starfish don't have brains. I know some people like that too.
So what has this page taught us? Well, nothing very important. But after reading all these, all I can say is............ Lucky Pigs!
A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonomous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"
To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"
"Tonight's forecast: dark. Continuing dark throughout the night and turning to widely scattered light in the morning." - George Carlin
Two women were at a bar. One said, "You know, eighty percent of all men think the best way to end a fight is to make love."
"Well," said the other, "that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"
A Hat
Once, on a very windy day, a rabbi was on his way to the temple. Suddenly a strong gust of wind blew his fur hat off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away to the point where he could not catch up with it. A young man, a gentile, witnessing this event, and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat, caught it and handed it over to the rabbi.
The rabbi was so happy and extremely grateful he gave the young man five dollars and put his hand on the man's head, and blessed him.The young man was very excited from the tip and from the blessing and decided to go to the racetrack and spend his five unexpected dollars. After the races the young man returns home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father. "I arrived before the fifth race", said the young man, "looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of 'Top Hat' running in that race. The odds on the horse were 100 to 1 . . . the longest shot in the field. Having received the rabbi's blessing and the five dollars, and thinking of the rabbi's hat, and the horse's name being Top Hat. I thought this was a message from God, so I bet the entire five dollars on this horse. "An amazing thing happened, the horse that was the longest shot in the field and who did not have the slightest chance to even show came in first by 25 lengths."
"You must have made a fortune, " said the father.
"I sure did, but wait, it gets better, " replied the son. "For the following race, I looked at the program. A horse by the name of Stetson was running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1. Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse. "
"What happened? " asked the excited father.
"The horse Stetson won and I collected big money. "
"You mean you brought home all this money? ", asked his excited father.
"No, " said the son, "I lost it all on the following race. There was a horse in this race named 'Chateau', so I bet all the money on it, because the horse was the heavy favorite and the name also means hat in French, and it all started with the rabbi's hat. The horse broke down, and came in dead last. "
"You idiot! Hat in French is 'Chapeau' not 'Chateau'. You lost all this money because of your ignorance. Tell me who won the race anyway? "
"A long shot Japanese horse named 'Yamaka'.
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off. Angrily the woman tosses it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12-year-old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks the pickup on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"
Not wanting to expose his 12- year-old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"
"When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional... I'm getting out before it becomes mandatory." -Unknown
A History Lesson
THE FINGER
Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?
Giving the Finger
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.
This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! "PLUCK YEW!"
Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".
And yew thought yew knew everything.
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."
The sky darkens and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief. Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking at 100 angry natives...
The voice booms out again, "Okay... NOW you're screwed."
WHO HAS TIME FOR MATH? THERE ARE VIDEO GAMES THAT NEED PLAYIN'! For the first time in eight years, SAT math scores dipped slightly, according to results released today by the College Board. The reason is that "them damn 'puters and calculolaters are making our childrens' minds as soft as my toothless gums," according to the cranky old man who lives on my block.
"Who the f*** is Steely Dan?" -- EMINEM
Lawyer jokes (hey, my dad's a lawyer, i'm allowed!)
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their newest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to
lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the
ladder company.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the Paper?
What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.
What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers do?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
"Senator"
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
"Your Honor."
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
The pronunciation.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.
Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
To practice.
Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New
Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.
"I love boxing. Where else do two grown men prance around in satin underwear, fighting over a belt? ... The one who wins gets a purse. And they do it in gloves. It's the accessories I love." -John McGovern
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They got undressed and stepped into the showers before they realized there was no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the first nun..."It's a soap dispenser." To test her theory the second nun also pulls his tool ... and sure enough he drops the other bar of soap.
The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice, and three times, but nothing happens. So she tries once more and, to her delight, she yells.... "Hand lotion!"
"Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign? Know what sign? 'For Sale.'" —Jay Leno"What is going on with those two? The Clintons have replaced the Sopranos as America's favorite TV crime family." —Jay Leno
"Roger Clinton was arrested for driving under the influence. Apparently, he was weaving and went off the road up onto somebody's lawn. Police wouldn't say what his blood alcohol level was but they did say it was somewhere between a Kennedy and a Yeltsin. Of course, being a typical Clinton, today he blamed the whole thing on a vast right-curb conspiracy." —Jay Leno
"The Democrats are going after Bush's tax plan. Democrats are saying that under Bush's tax plan that the rich would get richer. As opposed to the Clinton plan where the rich just get pardoned." —Jay Leno
"There is all this controversy over Clinton's office space. Here is my question; why does he even need an office? He doesn't have a job. Shouldn't you get a job first, then worry about an office? An office with no job? It is like he's vice president now." —Jay Leno
"President Clinton was featured in a foreign documentary. He was nominated for an Academy Award. Did you hear this? I believe it is called 'Crouching Intern, Stolen Sofa.'" —David Letterman
"There is talk on Capitol Hill of impeaching Clinton again. The first time he got impeached for staining the furniture; now, they get him for stealing it." —Jay Leno
"This week Clinton has proven why they call him 'the comeback kid.' You know? I mean every time people see him they go, 'Hey, come back with that table! Hey!'" —Jay Leno
"Wednesday Bill and Hillary Clinton returned some $28,000 worth of furniture that they took with them when they left the White House. The ex-president stressed that the dollar amount was actually much lower as many of the items were 'stained.'" —Jimmy Fallon, on SNL's "Weekend Update"
Your home and native land...
The quotable 7th term
Yo Mamma!
