"THE
YELLOW PAGES"
E-MAIL: WZARDOFODD@adelphia.net
MAIN PAGE: "WAYNE'S WONDERFUL WORLD OF WEIRD!"
"A GREAT PLACE TO TAKE THAT ANNOYING TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA,
FOR DINNER AND A TRIM! (NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER!)"
to "The Yellow Pages"! It is my intention to tickle your fancy from time to time, with an antecdote, or two,
culled from my vast experience upon this insane planet, we fondly call Earth.
I have given up trying to understand the chaotic ways and manners of my fellow homo-sapiens! Instead,
I have chosen to share these tales of wonder, with the blessed few, who know how to read,
and understand what they have absorbed.
Each of these tales presented herein, are based upon real events. I have, of course, taken liberties
with these fables, in order to emphasize their impact,
and I have changed the names to protect the innocent. (
so minute, that I'd be lucky to pay for an extra postage stamp; let alone unnecessary litigation
from some ignorant schmuck with offended sensibilities!)
So, without further ado...I give you the first of many tales, designed to enlighten those of you
with three-digit IQ's, to the absurdity of life in "them thar United States"!
"THE SELL-YOU-ONE PHONE COMPANY"
(First Published in my Student Newsletter for "Mildred Elley, the College for Careers" during February 1999)
Scene: A middle-aged man walks into a cellular phone store. After reading an ad on the front window,
he approaches the salesman at the counter...
Man: "Free Cell Phone, eh?"
Clerk: "S'long as you sign up for our 8 month package deal!"
Man: "...And how much is that?"
Clerk: "Just $55 per month!"
Man: "...And that's it?"
Clerk: "Well, no...You've also got to change your long-distance carrier!"
Man: "...And how much does that cost?"
Clerk: "Oh, just a $15 connection fee!"
Man: "Oh!...Anything else?"
Clerk: "Yeah...You'll need a service contract!"
Man: "A service contract!?! Doesn't that come with your package deal?"
Clerk: "Oh no! It's not mandatory, but you've got to have it, if you live in the continental United States!"
Man: "WHAT!?!? How much will THAT cost me?"
Clerk: "$12 a month!"
Man: "...And that's not mandatory!?!?"
Clerk: "Well, you could move to Alaska!!"
Man: "I thought your ad said this phone was FREE!?!?"
Clerk: "It is!"
Man: "Hmmm!...How much per call?"
Clerk: "Oh, you get unlimited calling within a fifty mile radius of your carrier, for just 10 cents a minute!"
Man: "That's not too bad. Where's my carrier located?"
Clerk: "Alaska."
Man: "WHAT!?!? How much otherwise?"
Clerk: "35 cents a minute...on weekends...after midnight!"
Man: "WHAT ABOUT DURING PEAK BUSINESS HOURS!?!?"
Clerk: "Oh, still just 35 cents!...For each time segment!"
Man: "What's a time segment!?!?"
Clerk: "Oh, an abundant 15 seconds!"
Man: "15 SECONDS!!! THAT MEANS A ONE MINUTE PHONE CALL AT 9AM, IS GOING TO COST ME $1.40!?!?!?"
Clerk: "That's right!"
Man: "WHERE DO YOU GET THE IDEA, THAT YOUR PHONE IS FREE!?!?!?"
Clerk: "...BUT IT IS!!!"
Man: "FREE!!!...Look, so far this cell-phone will cost me $82 just to set up; and then it's going to cost me
$55 a month, without making a single phone call!!!... HOW DO YOU GET FREE OUT OF THAT!?!?!?"
Clerk: "SIR!...THE PHONE IS FREE!!!"
Man: "Let me see this FREE phone!"
Clerk: "Here you go...A real beauty, isn't it?"
Man: "How does it work?"
Clerk: "First you plug in the battery pack."
Man: "Where's that?"
Clerk: "Right here. A real bargain at $19.95!"
Man: "You charge for the battery pack?"
Clerk: "Of course, sir! Everyone's entitled to a profit! You can't expect us to give away everything, do you?
Man: "Look, you advertise a FREE cellular phone! So far, I don't see anything FREE about it!"
Clerk: "I can throw in the carrying case...Here!"
Man: "THAT'S THE CARDBOARD BOX IT COMES IN!!!"
Clerk: "Yeah!...And it's free, too!"
Man: "How do I get outta here!?!?"
Clerk: "Through that door over there, sir!"
Man: "It won't open!?!"
Clerk: "You've got to put $5 in the meter>"
Man: "WHAT!!??!!??"
Clerk: "If you want to leave the store without purchasing something, you have to put $5 in the turnstile!"
Man: "THAT'S AGAINST THE LAW!!!!...Where's your phone?... I'm calling the police!!!"
Clerk: Certainly, sir! We aim to please! I've got a particularly nice unit here for just $39.95!"
~$$$$$$$~
After that young Zionist hooligan from Minnesota, (or another equally Christian demagoguery!), was arrested for yelling obscenities in front of our precious, well-behaved Christian children, and later convicted and duly fined for his dastardly deed; I felt compelled to look at other villainous cretins that prowl upon our sweet cherubs on a daily basis. It is time we speak out! I am darn mad, and I'm not going to take it anymore! From now on, I proclaim that the following offenders shall be put through a long, painful and torturous death, for daring to break the word of God!
1. Anyone parking on the LEFT side of the street! (We know what goes on in their Commie-Pinko minds!)
2. Anyone living on the LEFT side of the street! (These are the worst, the absolute worst!)
3. Anyone walking on the LEFT side of the street. (Evisceration is just too good for this lot!)
4. LEFT-handed people! (We all know that they're just the result of Commie genetic experiments during the Cold War!)
5. Anyone wearing sandals. (They are either being lewd, or attempting to infect God's good people with toe-jam and Athelete's Foot!)
6. Anyone wearing alternative haircuts! (Any good Christian knows that God wears his hair in a short marine-style, brush cut!)
7. Anyone who takes the good Lord's name in Vain, or Maine, or anywhere else!
8. Anyone espousing "EVIL-UTION"! (All good Christians know that we are all made in God's image, and that's why we all look so much a like! Furthermore, all of this talk about our mothers and fathers, and grandmothers and grandfathers, and great-grandmothers and great-grandfathers, is pure nonsense! Next they'll be saying we're descended from monkeys!)
9. Anyone who doesn't believe in Witchcraft! (Any Christian, who has lived his life in a goodly and strict Christian home, is well aware of the powers of Witchcraft!)
10. Any public figures, such as actors, rock stars, writers of blasphemy, teachers of evil-ution, liberal politicians, Catholic Popes, Mormons and other infidels; who are caught using profanity, shall have their tongues extracted, boiled, and fed to their heretic children as an example to future profaners of His divine all-knowing, forgiving and all-loving will.
11. Anyone who lives in the homosexual State of Californicate.
12. Anyone who profanes the name of Saint Adolph of Hister.
13. Anyone using the satannic number 13.
14. Anyone with the unmitigated gall, to have allowed themselves to be born with dark skin.
15. All 'dem hethro, or humo sexual preverts! By God!
AMEN!
"Hello?...HELLO!...IS ANYBODY OUT THERE?...Hello...?"
"Why were the Australians luckier than the Americans?"
"The Australians got the convicts, we got the Puritans!"
-Sander Vanocour, C-SPAN 2/13/1999
