"THE
YELLOW PAGES" 
E-MAIL: THE WIZARD OF ODD
to "The Yellow Pages"! It is my intention to tickle your fancy from time to time, with an antecdote, or two,
culled from my vast experience upon this insane planet, we fondly call Earth.
-IT'S BEEN QUITE AWHILE SINCE I LAST POSTED NEW MATERIAL TO "THE YELLOW PAGES". A RECENT SPAMMING INCIDENT ON THE "B-MOVIE LIST" INSPIRED THIS PARTICULAR TREATMENT. I HOPE IT BRINGS LAUGHTER, GROANS AND MOANS...-
ARCHIVES!.....
THE B-MOVIE MOVIE! .....
SOUNDTRACK FOR SALE!.....
THE CASTING COUCH!.....
CLASSIFIEDS!.....
GAMES!.....
SPONSORS!.....
COPYRIGHT INDICIA!
Never published before. Honest! Would I lie to you?
-IN THE GRAND TRADITION OF "GLEN, OR GLENDA", "EQUINOX", AND "WHEN HARRY MET SALLY”…-
THE MGM-SEVEN-BROTHERS PRODUCTION OF AN ALAN SMITHEE FILM...SCRIPTED BY "PATTY" CHAYEFSKY (WHO WISHES DESPERATELY TO HAVE HER NAME REMOVED FROM STILL YET ANOTHER HIGH COST FILM),...AND THE SPECIAL EFFECTS TEAM OF "WINSTON-SALEM"...(INSERT UNAVOIDABLE TOBACCO "PLUG" HERE)...PROUDLY BRINGS YOU THE WIDELY HAILED (...BUT SOMEWHAT PANNED), SIN-NEUMATIC EPIC KNOWN AS "THE B-MOVIE MOVIE"...
-BASED ON A NEWLY DISCOVERED WORK BY CHARLES "CHARO" DICKENS, WRITTEN HURRIEDLY BY ONE PIA ZADORA, WHILE ON THE SET OF "SANTA CLAWS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS"!
-RAVING CRITICS CALL THIS "THE FEEL GOOD THRILLER OF THE SEASON"!
-DELIGHT AS PROFESSOR HIGGINS & ALLEN RICHARDS, EXPLORE THE MYSTERIES OF "WINDFISH14"!
-THRILL TO THE ADVENTURE, AS "THE SPANISH WRESTLER" FENDS OFF ATTACKS BY HORDES OF VIDEO-ZOMBIES, BENT ON SUBJUGATION OF HIS IRON LUNG (WHOOPS! SCRATCH THAT, I MEANT WILL!)
-CRINGE HELPLESSLY AS SCOTT & HIS EVER PRESENT SIDEKICK CHRIS, STOMP TOKYO, AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN! (OH, THE INHUMANITY!)
-WAIT WITH BAITED BREATH, FOR THE LATEST NOM DE PLUME, INSERTED BETWEEN THOSE MYSTICAL RUNES...STEVE & JAMES!
-POISED WITH TREPIDATION, WILL THE OILY DENTIST KNOWN AS "DRILLER" SOLVE THE DREDGING PROBLEMS IN THE UPPER HUDSON RIVER OF NEW YORK STATE? GE,…I DON’T KNOW?
-VIEW WITH HORROR, THE INSATIABLE "TERRIBLE TOWELER" AS SHE SNAPS BACK AT PICAYUNE CRITICISM FROM THE SLAVORING FANS OF FULL MOON PRODUCTIONS!
-GROAN HELPLESSLY AT THE "PUNITIVE PUNS" SLASHING RUTHLESSLY ACROSS YOUR MONITOR! (DAMN! WHERE IS RUTH ANYWAY?)
-WONDER IN AWE, IF DALE EVANS WILL BE MEMORIALIZED IN THE SAME MANNER AS HER HUSBAND'S EXQUISITE EQUINE ASSISTANT! (INQUIRING READERS WANT TO KNOW!)
-ENJOY THE HEROIC EFFORTS OF A STALE, BUT CRISPY HOAGIE FROM "THE EARL OF SANDWICH"!
-MARVEL AS TO WHY "CAPTAIN AMERICA" WAS EVER MADE IN THE FIRST PLACE!
-CHUCKLE AS PORTSGUY HAS A FRIEND HOME FOR DINNER! (FAVA BEANS & PORT! WHAT A KIDDER! WHAT ARE FAVA BEANS, ANYWAY?)
-BE AFRAID...AFRAID!!! AS THE MALEVOLENT "MR. JEKYLL" GOES INTO "HYDING"!
-STARE HAPLESSLY AS THE S.C.V.P. BOYCOTTS AND PROTESTS THE MAKING AND THE MARKETING OF THIS FILM!
-GASP AS "THE EVIL HYBORIAN SORCEROR" AND "THE FROG PRINCE" DO BATTLE WITH "THE NOTORIOUS SPELLING BEA"!
-LAUGH AT THE ANTICS OF "DR. SMITH" AS HE NEARS THE HEINOUS MAN-TRAP CALLED "THE SANDBOX"!
-WATCH THE FOLLY OF "THE PUZZLER" AS HE ATTEMPTS TO UNDERSTAND "THE KINGDOM"!
-STAND BY IDLY, WHILE I TRY TO FIND A WAY TO INCLUDE MIKE S. AND CRISPIN GLOVER, ER...I MEAN BURNHAM!
-WISH, YOU HAD SPENT YOUR $9 ON A PREVIOUSLY-VIEWED COPY OF "DUNSTAN CHECKS IN"?
-WONDER WHY "THE WIZARD OF ODD" SPENDS HOURS, BUILDING WEB PAGES BEREFT OF COMMON SENSE! (JUST WHERE DOES HE FIND THE TIME?)
NATHAN SHUMATE AS "THE SPANISH WRESTLER"
WAYNE "THE WIZARD OF ODD" BROWN AS THE, WELL...YOU KNOW (HEY! IT'S MY MOVIE, OKAY!)
STEVE "INSERT CLEVER QUIP HERE" JAMES
TARS THERAT AS "THE EVIL HYBORIAN SORCEROR"
THOMAS BAUDURET AS "THE FROG PRINCE" (SORRY MON AMI, I COULDN'T RESIST!)
ANDREW BORNTREGER (...NOW MUMMIFIED AND STANDING TALL IN ROY'S LIVING ROOM)
APOSTIC "THE PUZZLER"
SCOTT@STOMPTOKYO.COM & HIS SIDEKICK CHRIS
CRISPIN GLOVER..ER, I MEAN BURNHAM
JAY HARRIS OR "DR. SMITH" TO THE KIDS ON THE PLAYGROUND
EJUKATR AS "THE NOTORIOUS SPELLING BEA"
PORTSGUY, BUT NOT AVERSE TO A NICE CHIANTI!
S.C.V.P. AKA "THE SOCIETY OF CINEMATIC VILLAINS AND PEDESTRIANS"
TERRY CLOTH "THE TERRIBLE TOWELER"
DRILLER AS "THE OILY DENTIST"
NICHOLAS PINANSKY AS ONE OF CHARLES DICKEN'S LESSER KNOWN WORKS
WINDFISH14 AKA "DRIVER8" AKA "CHERRY2000" AKA "FRIDAYTHE13TH26"
DOCTOR JASON HYDE AS THE MALEVOLENT MR. JEKYLL
PROFESSOR TERENCE P. HIGGINS, CALLED "PIG MALLION" BY HIS CLOSEST FRIENDS (SNORT, SNORT)
ALLEN RICHARDS AKA "DENISE RICHARDS RECONSTITUTED"
MIKE SSSSSS. PLAYED WITH CUSTOMARY APLOMB BY VETERAN ACTOR STROTHER MARTIN ENJOINED AT THE HIP WITH A FORGOTTEN DIRK BENEDICT
TONY RUBEN AS "THE INFAMOUS EARL OF SANDWICH"
...AND INTRODUCING FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME,
FRESH AS A DAISY, NEWCOMERS, PREMIERING HERE, AND NOWHERE ELSE,
NEVER BEFORE SEEN, IN ANY CAPACITY, ABSOLUTELY, EVER, I SWEAR,
REALLY...I TOLD YOU ONCE...
GROUCHO “HEY BOSS, YA GOT A WOMAN IN YOUR WOMB?” 16
AND
D. ROTTENBUCHER – SCOURGE OF VEGETARIANS EVERYWHERE!
(IF I'VE LEFT ANYONE OUT, JUST WAIT FOR THE SEQUEL!)
"FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY, PURCHASE THE "THE B-MOVIE MOVIE" SOUNDTRACK, RIGHT HERE AND NOW!"
THIS HIT SOUNDTRACK FEATURES THE CHART-TOPPING SINGLE: "I DON'T WANTTA BE ALONE!"
-DIGITALLY ENHANCED WITH "LIVE" PERFORMANCES FROM THE INTERNATIONAL "HEARING-AID" CONCERT SPONSORED BY "YAHOO DOO-DOO!", "NAPALMOLIVE HAND CREAM", AND "DIET PEPSID"
MUSIC BY: "THE BEL-TONES"...OUR MOTTO: "EARSCHPLITTENLOUDENBOOMER"
JUDY GARLAND (VOCALS & QUALUDES) JANIS JOPLIN (VOCALS & JACK DANIELS) JOHN LENNON (VOCALS & "LEAD" GUITAR STRINGS) JIM MORRISON (VOCALS, POETRY & LACK OF FRENCH UNDER GARMENTS) JOSEPH CAMPBELL (WATERED-DOWN SOUP & POIGNANT PHILOSOPHICAL POSITS) JOHNNY ROTTEN (BLEEPED VOCALS & RUSTY SYRINGES) JOHN BELUSHI (SCREAMS & "HIGH" BALLS) JOHN BONHAM (PERCUSSION & TURKEY DRUM STICKS) JOHN HUSTON (CIGARS, CIGARETTES, TIPPERELLOS?) JOHN HOUSEMAN (WE MAKE OUR MONEY THE OLD FASHIONED WAY. WE STEAL IT.) ...AND FINALLY THANKS TO JOHN KAY FOR THE LOAN OF THE SUNGLASSES. (I'LL GET THEM BACK TO YOU AS SOON AS WE "DIG UP" ROY ORBISON.)
DISCOGRAPHY
01. "I DON'T WANTTA BE ALONE!"
02. "LEAVE ME THE **** ALONE!"
03. "ODOR B-MOVIE"
04. "RETURN OF THE SON OF BACK TO THE PREQUEL, EPISODE IX"
05. "I DREAMED I SAW ED WOOD LAST NIGHT..."
06. "ANGER IN ANGORA"
07. "GODZILLA/GORGO"
08. "CORMAN CASTLE"
09. "A FULL MOON HIGH"
10. "UNCLE TIM THOMERSON"
11. "THE SFX BLUES"
12. "DICK MILLER & M.EMMETT WALSH"
13. "THE VAMPIRELLA RAG"
14. "MST:3K R.I.P."
15. "SO WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT BEING DEAD?" - LOVE THEME FROM THE "THE B-MOVIE MOVIE"
16. "HOW DOES D.C. DO IT?" - TEARFUL BALLAD FROM SPECIAL GUEST VOCALIST STAN LEE
17. "SCHLOCK TROMA"
18. "SO YOU WANNA BE A B MOVIE STAR..."
19. "(W)RAP IT UP, WE'LL BUY IT"
20. "THE BALLAD OF ALIEN GONZALEZ"
21. "DEL, CLOSE TO MY HEART"
"Hello?...HELLO!...IS ANYBODY OUT THERE?...Hello...?"
-YOU TOO, CAN OWN THIS PIECE OF COMMERCIALIZED DRIVEL! (BE THE FIRST ONE ON YOUR BLOCK, TO HAVE YOUR BOY COME HOME IN A BOX! WHUH?)-
-JUST SEND US YOUR CREDIT CARD AND CHECK BOOK, WITH PINS ATTACHED, AND WE'LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING HERE! NO MESSY FORMS TO FILL OUT! NO STRUGGLING WITH CONFUSING ACCOUNT NUMBERS! NO PESKY TOUCH TONES! THAT'S RIGHT! WE'LL RELIEVE YOU OF THE BURDEN OF ALL THOSE FINANCIAL TRANSACTIONS! AND ALL FOR THE PRICE OF A STAMP! BUT HURRY, THIS OFFER MAY NOT BE REPEATED! ALL MAJOR CREDIT CARDS ACCEPTED. OFFER MAY NOT BE VALID OUTSIDE THE USA. NO C.O.D.'S PLEASE!
-SPECIAL THIS WEEK ONLY AT "HAMS 'R US!"...HAIRLESS PORK LOINS $2 A LB!...SCROTUM POLE LETTUCE AT 59 CENTS A HEAD!...HMMM!...LAMB'S TONGUES, ALBINO PRAIRIE OYSTERS, AND CALVE'S BRAINS, ALL 1/2 PRICE!...CHOCOLATE MOOSE LIPS SOLD OUT!...BUT WE'VE GOT HORSE-OVARIES COMING SOON!...DON'T FORGET TO PURCHASE EXTRA FOR THE UPCOMING HOLIDAY SEASON!
-ANTIQUE FOR SALE! GREYING, SLIGHTLY BROKEN, USED FATHER OF ONE, SHOWS WEAR & TEAR, BUT STILL HAS A FEW MILES LEFT IN HIM. A REAL FIXER-UPPER IF YOU'VE GOT THE PATIENCE. INCLUDES A GALVANIZED STEEL WALKER, AND WORK BOOTS. HAS ALL HIS PAPERS. MEDICAID REGISTERED. NEEDS A TRIM AND A WASH. MONEY NO OBJECT. HE HASN'T ANY EITHER! WILL CONSIDER ANY SERIOUS OFFER.
-LOST:...TEXT FOR THIS AD. PLEASE CALL 555-9999 AND LEAVE MESSAGE
-LOST & FOUND: NEVER MIND...
-DAY 7 FEBRUARY 25TH...DALE EHRNHARDT IS STILL DEAD...MOURNERS ARE OPTIMISTIC OF HIS RETURN. IN THE TRADITION OF ELVIS, JIMMY HOFFA, AND AMELIA EARHARDT, FANS ARE NOT CONVINCED OF ERHNHARDT'S DEATH. CONSPIRACY THEORIES INVOLVING THE CIA, THE CLINTONS, AND SADDAM HUSSEIN HAVE ALL SURFACED IN AN EFFORT TO EXPLAIN HOW ANY MAN, ESPECIALLY ONE LIKE DALE, COULD POSSIBLY DIE AFTER CRASHING A SPEEDING RACE CAR HEADLONG INTO A WAITING CONCRETE EMBANKMENT. SUCH TRAGEDY, SUCH HORROR, SUCH FODDER FOR THE PRESS! COULD HIS LIFE HAVE BEEN SAVED? WELL, YEAH...SENSIBLE PEOPLE DO NOT TRY TO KILL THEMSELVES FOR THIRTY YEARS BY DRIVING 110 MPH, NECK AND NECK WITH OTHER SUCH IDIOTS, AROUND A CONCRETE BUTTRESSED ARENA IN ORDER TO POUND THEIR RESPECTIVE CHESTS. THE KING IS DEAD, LONG LIVE THE KING!
-IT'S OFFICIAL! DALE ERHNHARDT'S PASSING HAS REMAINED A HEADLINE FOR LONGER THAN MOTHER THERESA'S! THIS ENTITLES HIM TO SPECIAL PAPARAZZI SAINTDOM, ALONG WITH ELVIS, PRINCESS DIANA, LIBERACE, LAWRENCE WELK, AND ROCK HUDSON. THE AFOREMENTIONED MS. THERESA, WHO GAVE HER LIFE SELFLESSLY, AND COMPLETELY TO HELP THE POOR AND NEEDY, DID NOT ATTAIN THE STATUS NECESSARY TO BE DIEFIED WITH THE OTHER TRUE LEGENDS OF OUR WORLD. BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME TERRY!
"WAYNE'S WONDERFUL WORLD OF WEIRD"
"IF YOU DON'T SIGN MY GUESTBOOK,...I'LL SHOOT THIS DOG!!!"
E-MAIL ME AT: THE WIZARD OF ODD