Listening is something I don't do very well. I can listen to someone who has a problem, listen really hard. Then a half hour later I have forgotten all but the essence of what was said. When in deep conversation with another, I listen with all my being, but if you ask me any details about that conversation, I can never remember. This is particularly trying to my family when I say, "Oh, I saw so-and-so the other day. She asked about you." A family member will ask, "How is she? Where is she living now? What are her children doing?" and other sensible questions about someone who hasn't been around for a long time. "Umm," I reply, "she seems well and is very excited about her new job." "Great," says family member, in hopes that THIS time I will actually have some facts, "What is she going to be doing?" "Ummm, I'm not sure, exactly, something about selling furniture; or was it buying furniture for this new company. I'm not sure, but she really seemed happy."
It's not that I'm not listening. Honest. It's that I'm also picking up vibes, tuning in on the unspoken messages, thinking about how great she looks, wondering about her oldest son who ran away with the circus, yadayadayada. At the time, I'm really interested in all the facts. But they slip away quickly, and I'm left with, "She seems well and is very excited about her new job." After all, isn't that what is important? Besides, she tends to go from job to job anyway, and even if I did remember, she'll have a new one before long.
God has now sent me a little present; He is going to teach me to listen and discern, and remember. This discernment process requires a lot of listening, in silence (something else I'm not very good at), and with all my body, mind, and spirit. I can do the body and spirit part fairly well, it's the mind that I have no control over. I sit in what I think is a listening silence, and immediately some little imp of a thought slips in and before I know it, my mind is off and running. I'm the one with the Inn-in-her-head, remember.
I look forward to this new challenge. I'm also intimidated by it. Me, listen? Oh dear! Now, if He spoke from the pulpit, I'd hear Him. If He spoke at a conference workshop, I'd even take notes. But, if I am very lucky, He will be contacting me in my mind, and that's scary. I will have lots of help. Mr. P. is planning to put together the Discernment Committee this week; they will pray with me and help me to figure out what God wants me to do.
But, in the long run, it will be up to me to listen. And, with the committee's help, discern. I remember an old Pogo comic strip where he and the others had "blunked out eyeballs" (I think it was a parody of Orphan Annie, but then, I'm not sure, of course). Well, I will be trying to have a "blunked out" mind so that I can hear Him. I'm told Elijah didn't hear him in the earthquake, wind, or fire, but in a "still, small voice." Scary thought.
8:09 PM I haven't written in here in several days. I have written in my paper journal, however, and in my Bible journal, so I'm not totally lazy. I have begun walking at 5:00 a.m. It's still dark, but I don't mind, as it lightens up fairly quickly. The road at that hour is quiet; the only sounds are the morning prayers of the birds, and the lapping of the lake at the edges of the shore. I love that solitude and the feeling of the fresh breeze touching my face. Life is very interesting just now. I'm on the edge of something.
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