Chapter Nine: Oh, Cecilia! I’m naked in your bed! (Please don’t sue me, Paul Simon!)
“You need to come get him, I mean it.....NOW AJ!” Good set of lungs Jennifer had; reminded me of April. “What do you mean you can’t get out? Damn it! He’s puked all over my bathroom...not to mention himself!...Hell no, I’m...I mean it AJ....you....shit!” Such language from a lady!
“Jenfer?” I seem to have misplaced some of my syllables. Perhaps Jennifer would know where they were. “Jenfer?” No answer. There had been no answer for what seemed like a decade but in reality was most likely closer to a year.
“Nick,” This from the other side of the door. “AJ can’t get away ... Kevin is watching him like a hawk. Or so he says. Anyway, someone is coming to get you.”
“Brian?”
“I have no damn idea! Whoever will be here in just a few minutes. Try not to puke on my floor between now and then!” Man, was she pissed. I hate to be mean, but I was sort of glad that I had already hosed the tiles. And the walls. And the tub. And the mirror, and....man, was this place disgusting.
It may have been only a few minutes but I swear it was a new century when Jennifer yelled through the door that my “ride was here ... Damn it Nick come out of there!”
“Why don’t you let me help him? We’ll be out of your way in no time at all.”
“Be my guest!” I hate to pass on the news, but I was her guest, and she was not being the best of hostesses.
“Nick? Sweetie?” That sounded familiar. The voice, not the endearment.
“ Wh?” Sorry, my vowels seemed to have taken off with the missing syllables.
“Nick, it’s Cecilia. Can I come in?” Do you have a strong stomach?
“ Du yu hab a song omach?”
“I’m coming in!” She must have been very excited about the gross-out prospect. Maybe I should re-think that crush. “Oh, baby!” Wow. Even drunk that “baby” had a completely different impact than Kevin’s ever had. “Let me help you, sweetie.” She called me sweetie.
“Yu cal me weeite.” Damn, I am the happiest man on the face of this earth. Well, on the face of Jennifer’s bathroom floor.
“We need to get you up, Nick. Come on, you’ll have to help me.” I would do anything for you. My legs have other ideas. “Hang on to the towel rack.” Cecilia must have been really concerned. I mean everyone knows holding onto the towel rack is a stupid idea. I just hope Jennifer doesn’t notice those holes and the missing plaster. “SHIT!”
“Yu cussed!” I was shocked! My angel (NOT my sister, for the perverted at heart.) had cussed!
“Yea, well, whatever the situation calls for.” I like that theory. I’m going to use it the next time Howie complains about the mustard in his jock-strap.
To make a long story short (It is WAAAAYYY too late, but hope springs eternal.) Cecilia managed to get me out of the bathroom (She hid the towel rack under her coat. Not only does she cuss, she’s a bathroom fixture thief!) and, with Jennifer’s “help” (She held my elbow ... with two fingers.) she got me down the stairs and to the cab. This operation took approximately forty-five minutes. Way to take those six stairs, Nick!
As we drove off with the windows down (That’s the only way the driver would let me in the cab. I also sat on Cecilia’s coat, but I didn’t notice it at the time.) we heard Jennifer’s scream of discovery. I hear screaming from women all the time but I couldn’t recall it ever containing the words “I’ll rip your balls off!” before. Maybe I haven’t been listening.
“Nick, honey.” Cecilia called me honey. This was the best night of my life! “Baby, why did you do this?”
“AJ did it.” Short, to the point. Never go overboard when placing the blame on someone else.
“This was his idea?”
“Yea. The date, the girl ... um, and the virginity.”
“The virginity?”
“And Bookie Bear.” Poor Bookie. All dead and still a virgin.
“Bookie Bear?”
“He’ll NEVER get laid now! He’s got no guts.”
“No guts?” Poor Cecilia. She was looking confused. I don’t see why, this was all perfectly clear.
“Me neither.”
“You what, Nick?”
“I don’t have any guts.”
“Who says?”
“All the guys. Well, not Howie, because he was 19, which I think is old. Brian was about 16, though he won’t say for sure. I think Kevin was 15 and AJ was about 6.”
“Nick? What are you talking about?”
“VIRGINITY!” Sometimes Cecilia can be so slow!
“Who’s?” I hate it when people don’t listen to me.
“MINE! I’m the only one with any left! And I don’t have the guts to lose it! Which you know what?” She didn’t make a sound, but started running her hand through my hair (Just about the only part of me that was not covered in regurgitated wine.), so I took that as a sign to continue. “It’s funny, I lose everything else. My keys, my luggage, my bear.” Oh, poor Bookie. Forgive me, but I’m a bit emotional.
“Nick, are you crying?”
“Well, he’s DEAD. AJ KILLED HIM! An’ just because he was a virgin.” I found a clean spot on my jacket and wiped my nose, which looking back was not really a smooth move. “I think AJ may kill me if I don’t do something soon.”
“Let me see if I understand. The guys have been teasing you about being a virgin?” Well, hello brilliant!
“Yes.” I still liked her, so I gave her a break.
“And Bookie was a bear that AJ killed?”
“Tore him in half!”
“Because he was a virgin?”
“Yes.”
“This was a stuffed bear?” Was she being slow on purpose?
“Yes.”
“You have a stuffed bear?” Oh no, not this again.
“MY SISTER GAVE HIM TO ME! I DON’T SLEEP WITH THE BEAR!” I was crying again, but, but ... she was picking on me!
“Nick! It’s OK! I’m sorry. It’s OK to have a bear. I have a bear!”
“Really?”
“Yea, really. I’ll show him to you when we get to the hotel.”
“Do you sleep with it?”
“Sometimes.” She smiled now. I wish I knew why.
“I don’t sleep with the bear, well, it’s dead now, but I never slept with it!”
“OK.”
“AJ says that’s my problem.”
“That you don’t sleep with a bear?”
“That I don’t sleep with anybody.”
“I see.” I needed to make sure.
“So he said he had to get me a lady, then he said a not-a-lady, and then I threw up, I think.”
“It’s OK, Nick. I get the picture.”
Which was a good thing, as I was out of steam by that time. I fell asleep in the cab and barely remember the driver helping Cecilia take me upstairs. I didn’t remember anything until the next morning, when I woke up. In bed. Naked. Next to ... Cecilia.