Chapter Eight: You Can Expect Only So Much Out of a First Date
“I’m not going.” Three words (contractions count as one, right?). Three simple words that anyone can understand. Any normal person. Then, there is AJ.
“I’m not going.” So I said. I said it as he pulled (with absolutely no thought what-so-ever to my wishes or shoulder joint) me along the hallway.
“I’m not going.” So I said as AJ picked out my clothes.
“I’m not going.” So I said as AJ started the water for my shower. “I’m not going!” I yelled through the shower curtain. “I’m not going.” I stated with complete certainty as AJ and I entered the elevator. “I’m not going ... and that’s final.”
“Good Nick. Mr.? How long until we reach the restaurant?”
“Eleven minutes.” Obviously the cab driver was on AJ’s side.
“I’m not going.”
“Nick, shut the hell up.” Well. Some people.
The restaurant was cozy. Candle light, real crystal.
Oh yea, just my style.
“AJ!”
“Chill Nick.”
“I can’t chill! I’m nervous.”
“You sure?”
“The insides of my thighs are wet.”
“SHUT UP NICK!” Apparently AJ did not want to expose the waiter to Backstreet behavior.
“May I help you gentlemen?” I’ll be dammed. Someone called me a gentleman. Sure there was quite a bit of sarcasm involved, but beggars can’t be choosers!
“Yes. This young man ...” AJ was using a bit of the old sarcasm himself. “... has a reservation for two. I won’t be staying.”
“Couldn’t get a date?” I just couldn’t help myself. “OUCH!” I guess fancy places with real crystal allow hitting, just like Pizza Hut!
“I’ll check my book.” From the look I’d say my waiter was kin to Kevin.
“Be quite Nick! You’ll blow this! And NOT in a good way.” One of those AJ inside jokes. This time I got it, and felt myself blush. That’s the LAST thing I need to be thinking about. “Thinking about what?” Oops! I must have spoken out loud.
“That.”
“That?”
“Yea, AJ, that. You know.”
“Nah Nick. I don’t know. Give.” Had I been listening and not paying so much attention to the beating of my heart, which at this point was very fast and loud (I was surprised we could talk over it.), I would have heard the joking tone.
“Blowing.” I whispered. No sense in getting my mother involved, who wasn’t in the restaurant, or even the country, but I saw no reason to take a chance.
“Blowing what, my man?” AJ cracked himself up again.
“Sounds like an interesting question.” That stopped AJ, and damned near my heart.
“Jennifer! So glad to see you!” Very glad, as he gave her a big hug and a big kiss. “This ... is Nick.” I wasn’t expecting some wonderful, overblown introduction, but I could have done without the “Sorry about this” tone of voice.
“Hello, Nick.” I got up the nerve to look at her. Jennifer. All five-foot-seven of her. Leggy, slim, blond, and of course, busty. AJ wouldn’t have it any other way. I guess he wasn’t going to let me have it any other way.
“Hello.” Damn, I thought I was over the squeaky voice part of puberty.
“Well, you two have fun! I’ll see you back at the hotel, Nick. Later.” Even I could tell he meant MUCH later.
“Are you feeling all right?” Why was she asking? To be polite? To start a conversation? Because she had seen me and was hoping for a quick bout of the plague to get her out of the date?
“Sure. Why?” Just wanted to start off with a clean slate.
“You’re all red in the face.” Oh, yea.
“Um...well.... AJ...” Where does one go from here?
“Never mind!” She laughed, a nice laugh, thank God. “I know AJ!”
“I have Sir’s table this way.” I looked over my shoulder for “Sir”, then realized that the waiter and Jennifer were looking at me - the waiter like I was scum, Jennifer like I was a blond.
“Fine.” What else could I say?
The table was next to a fireplace, which some people would find romantic. I found it hot. Very hot. I was already sweating and didn’t need the help.
“So, Nick.” She knew my name. “AJ has told me quite a bit about you.” She knew she was with a dork.
“Really?” Maybe he had left out the bad parts. But then I doubt a 15 second history would have been AJ’s style. “He hasn’t told me anything about you.” Oh....smoooooth.
“Oh.” She didn’t seem to know what to make of that.
“I mean.....he wanted it to be a surprise.”
“Wanted what to be a surprise?” Obviously not the plethora of stupidity I possess.
“You...the date. I only found out tonight when I was washing my shorts.”
“Your .... shorts?” I guess I should have stopped at ‘tonight.’
“Are you hungry?” Oh God, should I have said that so quickly after mentioning my shorts? Will she think I’m a sex fiend? Should I get my hands out of my lap because only a pervert would have them there and I was just putting my napkin in my lap but you can never tell about people and oh God she has on a low cut blouse.
“Nick?”
“Hum?”
“You seemed a bit out of it for a minute there.”
“I’m fine.” And dandy. And randy. Kill me now.
“You know, we don’t have to eat.” But I like eating. It’s one of the things I do best. Maybe better than any other guy in the group.
“You’re not hungry?” Come on lady, food’s my one area of expertise.
“Not for food.” Huh?
“Then what would you .... oh.” See, I am getting things faster than I use to. Just not as fast as I need to.
“Would you like to go back to my place?” I wonder if she would be offended if I said no.
“Your place? That’s the name of a Chinese restaurant where I live.” I’m going to start taking prozac tomorrow.
“I see.” No she didn’t. Well, maybe she did. AJ had warned her. “Let’s have a drink and then talk about it, OK?”
“Sure. Let’s have a drink.”
“How about some wine?”
“Sounds fine.”
“Nick, you DO drink, right?”
“Of course.” NOT. Never in a hundred million years. AJ had let me taste beer once, it was nasty. Of course not as nasty as the beating he got from Kevin for doing it.
“We can have something else...”
“No. Wines fine.” And it is. Good stuff, wine. It goes down very smooth. Very fast. Of course this was before I understood that wine was to be sipped, not gulped. Five glasses later I was feeling quite fine.
“So, this gluing Kevin’s pants to the chair, how mad was he?” She seemed really interested. Such a nice girl, that Jennifer.
“He called me a bastard.”
“Man, he was mad!”
“I’ve seen him madder.” At me, but no sense going into that now.
“Hey, you want to get out of here?” Out of here with the nice fire and all the wine?
“Where do you want to go?”
“How about my place?”
“Sure! Sounds great!”
“Really? You want to go?”
“Why not?” Why not indeed. What moron would turn down an invitation to such a lovely ladies house. I wonder if she has Mario Cart?
We managed to make it outside to Jennifer’s car before I seemed to have some trouble with my knees. Damn traitors.
“Too much dancing.”
She laughed at that. Or at me, whichever. The ride to her apartment, as it turned out to be, was only about ten minutes, though it seemed a lot longer. And hotter. It sure was getting hot in there. Not to mention I was sweating again.
“Do you have a fireplace?”
“Um ... no.”
“Good.” She gave me a strange look, but having had the benefit background information she just accepted it.
“We’re there.”
“Where?” I hope it’s some place interesting.
“My apartment.”
“That’s nice.”
“Well ..... you want to go up?”
“Grow up?”
“No, GO up, to my apartment.” She was looking doubtful about this entire excursion. I would have too, if I could only remember what the hell was suppose to be going on.
“Sure. Do you have more wine?”
“Yea, let’s go up and I’ll see if I can find it.”
So we went up, which I guess is better than going down (Please, never tell AJ I said that.) as you can use your hand to help climb the stairs and not look too stupid. Jennifer had a very nice apartment. It had a balcony, no fireplace, a kitchen, and a living/bed room. I had no idea where the bathroom was as I was embarrassed to ask.
“Here it is!”
“The bathroom?” Well, I sorta of needed it.
“The wine. Nick, are you OK?”
“SURE!”
“Here you go.”
“Thank you. You know Jennifer, I think you might want to consider moving.”
“Really?”
“Yea, I mean, your floor! It’s so uneven!”
“Oh Nick!” Jennifer was almost busting a gut laughing. I guess lopsided floors entertained her. “You are a gas!”
Oh God, did I pass gas? I’ll never live this down! Once, I did it on stage, and Brian let me know about it for days. Brian seems to have a sixth sense about those types of things, which just goes to show it doesn’t always pay to be gifted.
“Are you sure you’re feeling OK?” Damn girl thinks I’m a lyer. Or lier. Or....oh who cares.
“Yea.” Man, were her floors uneven. It was like being on a roller-coster.
“You look a little green.”
“It’s not easy, being green.” Good ole Kermit. I love Kermit the frog. Hate that damn Miss Piggy. She’s so violent. When I grow up I’m never going to have a violent girlfriend. “Or a stuffed one.”
“Excuse me?”
“Not rubber either, I don’t think the one AJ had looked nice at all.”
“Would you like to sit down?”
“Thank you.”
“Nick, maybe you’d like a chair?” Now she offers it.
“Your floors really is uneven.”
“I think you need to get up. Let me help you.” Such a nice lady, that Jennifer. She helped me up, helped me to the living-room, and when I made that funny gastric noise she helped me to her bathroom. Seems she had one after all. She didn’t hold my head over the toidy, though. I guess you can only expect so much from a first date.