Great grief makes sacred those upon whom its hand is laid. Joy may elevate, ambition glorify, but only sorrow can consecrate.
-Horace Greeley
Chapter Six
Jack listened to Keith's words, felt the cool spring breeze ruffle his hair, but inside he was numb. They were outside by the lake to have a memorial service for Ethan where a new willow would be planted in his name. The old one had been destroyed and he liked the idea that Ethan's memory would live on in a new one. Maybe his namesake would sit under the willow's branches, enjoying its shade and losing himself in his dreams. Jack started to remember all the times he had done just that underneath the old willow, but pain shot through him and he had to stop that particular train of thought.
He had moved slowly that morning, putting on his dress uniform, but in his fist he held his insignia. He glanced at his Uncle Sven, silently apologized for what he was about to do, but he'd felt the weight of his responsibilities like a noose around his neck. He did not want to feel as if he'd regretted anything he'd done, but Ethan was dead and he blamed himself. He'd wanted to at least bring his friend's body back for a proper burial but that had not happened either. Somewhere in the smoldering remains of Shadow Voltron were Ethan's ashes.
The last few days had been chaos as Arusians celebrated and simultaneously tried to get on with their lives. He'd been tasked with trying to help keep the peace, but he was often mobbed by grateful men and women who wanted to personally thank the pilot of the Black Lion and the commander of the Voltron Force. Jack had been able to take it for a few hours but when the hundredth woman tried to kiss him, he fled to Castle Control. Taking pity on him, Keith had offered to let him just stay in the castle but Jack had not wanted to be idle and he'd taken charge of clearing the rubble, quickly procuring a garbage ship--it was no Black Lion but he was doing something and it kept the people, their questions and their gratitude away. He'd kept himself so isolated that he hadn't known about the memorial until the day before but as much as it hurt him to be there, he would not have stayed away. He turned his attention back to Keith. He owed him that at least.
"My daughters tell me that in his last moments, Ethan only thought of saving Arus, of saving the people he loved," Keith was saying, his hands hanging loosely at his side, his eyes looking at the faces in the crowd. "That doesn't surprise me. Ever since he was small, Ethan had acted the part of the protective brother--when he wasn't fighting with Bethie anyway--and when someone crossed any of his friends, they crossed him. He took his duties as Crown Prince of Arus seriously, complaining less than his sisters, and his mother, about his duties. Of course, none of you are surprised to hear any of this. You all knew him well, loved him, and made his life more full. He would want me to thank you for that. I thank you for that. There isn't...this is hard because I want him here so badly I can taste it. But if there's one thing I've learned all these years is that you always have to move on. Ethan would want us to because he died so that we could. I'm going to try for him...we all should."
Jack watched Keith kneel down and put a hand on the plaque that sat at the base of the willow. No tears fell from the King's dark eyes, but his head was bowed and his shoulders slumped as if he carried the weight of Arus. Allura came up behind him, first putting a hand on his back then kneeling down behind him and wrapping her arms around his waist. She pressed her face against his back as he clutched at her arms. Seeing them like that...so broken...Jack had to look away and as he did, he realized that his father was watching him. He just looked away. Bethie and Alana went to be with their parents, their hands tightly clasped and both of them crying. Jack looked over at his own brother, tried to imagine what it would be like to lose him, and he tightened his fist around his insignia, its edges cutting into his palm.
Jack was standing near Olivia and his cousin's sobs echoed in his head. He hadn't told her about Ethan, her father had, but he could only imagine how she had reacted. Jack knew Ethan had spent his last night with her and he could tell that Olivia had fallen in love with the Prince. But that was yet another dream that would go unfulfilled. So many lives had been affected and he couldn't stop from thinking that he could have done something more to prevent it from happening. When he closed his eyes, he could see the Blazing Sword slicing Shadow Voltron in half, could remember how he felt when he did it, and felt sick to his stomach. It had given them victory at last...but at a cost greater than Jack had been willing to pay.
Keith and Allura stood, and the memorial service was over. It was just family and friends there, a bigger ceremony was planned for the rest of the planet, a service worthy of a Prince of Arus, but Jack would not be there to see it. He stood apart from the others, his eyes on the tips of his boots as his friends milled around him, extending their condolences to the Royal couple. He wanted to say something to them but the words stuck in his throat. Instead, he turned to Alana who was standing near him.
"Thank you, Lana," he said.
She turned, brow furrowed.
"For what?" she asked.
"For saving my life," he answered.
She hugged him, brushed her lips against his cheek.
"It was my pleasure," she said kindly. "No more death, Jack."
He gave her a squeeze and she smiled gently before moving to go to her mother's side. Jack turned his eyes to the plaque and for a moment, he couldn't breathe. He kept seeing it, the Blazing Sword through Shadow Voltron's torso, and it was that attack that had ended it for Ethan.
"Jack?"
His father was standing next to him and he hadn't even realized it. Lance put a hand on his shoulder, gave him a shake.
"It wasn't your fault," he said quietly.
Jack didn't say anything, but there was something dark and troubled in his gray eyes when they met Lance's brown ones. Lance sighed. This was beyond him.
"It's alright, Dad," Jack said. "Just give me time."
Lance nodded and stepped away to speak to Keith. Jack watched them exchange a few words and they embraced, one of the few he'd ever seen them exchange. Keith looked over Lance's shoulder at Jack and the younger man gave him a nod. For a moment, Keith looked puzzled, but then understanding dawned on his face and he nodded back. Turning, Jack walked away.
Bethie watched Jack go and she started to follow but then her gaze fell on her mother. If not for the empty look in her blue eyes, Bethie would have just give her a hug and gone after him, but instead she stayed, clasping her mother's hand tight.
"Be strong, Mom," she said.
"I'm trying," Allura said hoarsely. "I thought I would be okay today..."
Bethie put an arm around her shoulders and touched her forehead to Allura's head. She breathed in that scent that she triggered memories of playing with her mother's hair...of Ethan playing with it...and tears welled up in her eyes.
"Yeah," she said. "I thought I would be okay too."
"Cousin."
They both looked up to see Romelle, her shorn hair now back to blonde, and her blue eyes red-rimmed. She held out her arms and Allura went into them. Romelle held her tight, her own tears falling freely down her cheeks. Bethie looked around for Jack then but he was gone. Jason was standing nearby, his eyes on the shimmering lake surface, his gray eyes as stormy as his brother's.
"Jason, where did Jack go?" she asked.
Jason looked around, surprised to find Jack gone and he shrugged. Bethie rubbed her face frustratedly. Jack had said no more than two words to her since...well since the end, and she knew that he was hurting. She was hurting too but she needed so badly to talk to him and he just was not there for her. Jason looked at her, concerned.
"He's been quiet," she said.
"Yeah," he said. "All these years I've been telling him to shut up and when he finally does, I'd give my right arm to hear him laugh again."
"It's bad, isn't it?"
"Yeah, but I don't think any of us can fix it. I know Jack...big things like this, he'd rather deal with himself."
"That's not acceptable, Jay."
"It has to be, Bethie," Jason said carefully. "You have to leave him alone...for him. He'll just push you away if you try."
"But..."
Jason put his arms around her and in the back of her mind, she wondered when he got taller than her...and wiser.
"I'm sorry about Ethan," he said. "I'm gonna miss him."
"Me, too. Me, too."
Alana came up behind them, a small smile on her face for Jason. He let go of Bethie and offered her a hand, their fingers tangling together. The white streak in her hair was more prominent in the sun but she wore it proudly, like a badge of honor. There was a weight to her expression that was not there before and made Bethie long for the young, gentle sister who had brought them so much peace. She smiled at Alana and Alana smiled back. She'd brought them peace again, used everything inside her to do it, and Bethie would not forget that. She reached out and traced the streak of hair with her fingers.
"I love you, Lana," Bethie said.
"I love you, too, Bethie."
She kissed Bethie's cheek lightly and moved off. Standing alone, Bethie put a hand on her softly rounded belly. She smiled at her approaching father, accepted his warm embrace gratefully.
"Little Ethan is going to have a lot to live up to," she said.
Keith caressed her face with a gentle hand and Bethie leaned into the touch. There was no one like her father in the universe and she was reminded of that fact whenever he sacrificed whatever he was feeling in order to be strong for their family. Her mother was strong, Bethie could see it in the proud tilt of her head, but the loss of her only son had hit Allura much harder than even she thought. Bethie was sure that behind closed doors, only the trusted and loved presence of her husband could comfort the Queen of Arus. Silently, she wished that she had someone who could do that for her and she could not help wondering where Jack had gone.
"He'll be his own person, like his mother," Keith said. "Come on. Let's get back inside. It's getting chilly and you shouldn't be on your feet for too long."
Bethie's first inclination was to argue but she saw the exhaustion on her father's face and her heart melted. He looked as if he shouldn't be on his feet anymore and she wanted to sit him down in the soft armchair in his study. She wound her arm through his, rested her cheek against his shoulder.
"Okay, Daddy."
