ANDY
"Man will devolve back into apes, while apes will evolve into man. Women will not be affected."

CONAN
"A bitter Richard Gere will turn his back on Buddhism after his former friend, the Dali Lama beats him out for the lead in American Gigolo 2."

ANDY
"The planets Jupiter, Mars and Neptune will suddenly stop spinning when they realise they can get just as strong a head rush sniffing glue."

CONAN
"God will schedule a press conference to announce the firing of Jesus and the hiring of Jet's coach Bill Parcells."

ANDY
"Movo introduces it's safest automobile yet. Upon impact, Anna Nicole Smith springs up from underneath the dashboard, pushes her breasts in your face and squeals, 'I love you daddy.'"

CONAN
"After a combined 134 years in broadcasting Mike Wallace, Morely Safer and Andy Rooney will finally leave 60 Minutes - to join the Rolling Stones."

ANDY
"Zoologists will finally figure out why pandas in captivity refuse to mate. They're holding out for a three-way."

CONAN
"Television talk shows will become so hilarious that people stop watching them for fear of literally dying of laughter. At least, that's the excuse I'm planning for piss-poor ratings."

ANDY
"A new monument in Washington is dedicated to former President Clinton. It will be identical to the Washington Monument, except for one striking difference, an unusual bend in the middle."

CONAN
"America realises that Jenny McCarthy is more than a big-breasted blonde with goofy facial expressions and finally begins to appreciate her dynamite ass."

CONAN
"The Mir space station will finally crash to earth, but not before completing it's most important experiment, to see how long it takes for a big hunk of Russian made crap to fall out of the sky."

ANDY
"The American educational system will be thrown into chaos when a grown man in Illinois actually uses algebra in real life."

CONAN
"To simplify police work, a new federal law will require all know sex offenders to change their name to Kennedy."

ANDY
"The drinking age is lowered to three, in order to quote 'Keep the little bastards quiet!'"

CONAN
"A retired President Clinton will write his memoirs and be sued for plagiarism by Wilt Chamberlain."

ANDY
"Mormons will decide that their religion is too strict and will begin drinking coffee, the occasional beer and the blood of the elderly."

CONAN
"The public demand that the NBA expand to a 52 week schedule. Not for the love of the game, but to keep Shaquile O'Neil too busy to make lame movies."

ANDY
"Space aliens will come to earth intending to deliver a message of universal peace and wisdom. Unfortunately they land on the stage at Def Comedy Jam and end up only telling jokes about how big their women's booties are."

CONAN
"China's overpopulation problem will reach new levels when people discover what an exceptionally pleasurable lubricant duck sauce is."

ANDY
"Scientists will discover the reason for the Loch Ness monster's seclusion. It doesn't like Scottish people."

CONAN
"The world is rocked when Colonel Sander's secret recipe is discovered to be; one part salt, one part sage and the gayest chicken that money can buy."

CONAN
" An even more shocking home videotape of Pamela and Tommy Lee will come out. This one featuring the two of them adding and subtracting."

ANDY
"God at last reveals himself to humans, who are shocked and appalled by his really bad comb-over."

CONAN
"Jerry Seinfeld will leave television for a career in movies, forcing NBC to change their Thursday night slogan from 'Must See TV' to just another night of crap!"

ANDY
"In an effort to make fast food even faster, McDonalds will begin pumping their food directly into customer's stomachs. To keep pace Wendy's will pump their food directly into people's toilets."

CONAN
"The Spice Girls will once again be famous when MTV's The Real World decides to focus on five middle aged, out of work skanky hags."

ANDY
"The hyphen will be replaced by the dash, and the dash will be replaced by the hyphen. No one will notice."

CONAN
"Jerry Springer will make a desperate attempt at respectability when he cancels his show on 'big breasted nympho chearleaders' and replaces it with 'big breasted nympho ecconomists.'"

CONAN
"Iraq will become the most powerful nation in the world thanks to their new leader, coach Bill Parcells."

ANDY
"Superstrong fertility drugs will again cause Bobbi McCoy to give birth to seven babies. Only this time four of them will be pregnant."

CONAN
"An elderly President Clinton will become so stooped and bent that no one will be able to tell him apart from his penis."