When I was a child, I had a lot of anxiety. I would worry about school, family, and I was so scared of dying I was paranoid really. I would lay awake nights, hoping I would not die in my sleep. If I did fall asleep, I would wake up in a sweat shortly after, hyperventilating and worried I was about to die. This went on from the time I was about ten years old, until well, I was an adult.
In high school, I think it was different because as a lot of teenagers do, I felt invincible. But then I got pregnant in grade 12, and I realized bad things can happen to anyone.
I went through the pregnancy not only til the end, but a few extra weeks as well. When I was delivering Jessica, something happened and she died. There was no way of reviving her, and after her death, I went into a terrible deep depression.
This is when my anxiety got worse. It even turned into panic, although I did not realize that was what was happening at the time. I could not be a passenger in ANY vehicle without having a panic attack. At the time, I thought I was just plain crazy. I would start to sweat, especially my hands and feet. Then, I would feel weak and dizzy. The hyperventilation would get so out of hand I would almost faint. So I stopped riding in vehicles for a few months. No one wanted me in their car anyway. I was too much of a pain.
I got pregnant again, with Natasha, and things calmed down for me somewhat. I was paranoid as anything that the baby would die. But, the panicky feelings were not there until I went into preterm labour.
At about 32 weeks, my water broke. I was in the hospital for about 8 days, on strict bed rest. I would have anxiety attacks before I fell asleep, and was frantic if the baby didn't move for an hour or so. I finally had luck with the labour being stopped, and went home. I was so worried, that the doctor at the hospital gave me Ativan to help me sleep til the baby was born. I had a healthy baby girl, 3 weeks early, weighing nearly 8 pounds!
So things should have gotten better, but they didn't. When Tasha was 15 months old, I was pregnant again. And, I was being abused by my husband. When the next baby was born (Victoria), I had had it with my husband. We broke up when Victoria was 10 months old.
Being a single mom was not easy. I wanted to have a life besides being a Mommy. So, I began to go out with friends. My sister Cath moved in and she would babysit for me while I went out. I dated, some guys I was serious about, but my mood swings and grief over the death of my first child were too much for these guys. I met some young men who lived in the house next door and we began to visit every night.
Cath had a crush on one of the guys, Shane. One night, he and his friends, as well as my boyfriend Duane came over and we all drank A LOT. Duane left while I was in the living room, apparently smoking pot. I don't recall that to this day. Well, people began to leave, and I went to bed with my 15 month old Victoria. I was awakened by a male friend walking in to see how I was. We spoke briefly, and he went home. I fell asleep again, until someone snuck through my window (there was a fire escape outside my bedroom), and I realized it was Shane. To make a long story short, I was raped and beaten for about 2 hours by him. He bit me, leaving teeth marks, and I was stabbed.
The days after this were difficult. I became worried he would come back and do more damage to me. I could barely walk for a week. My leg was infected, and I thought there may be some internal damage as well. I kept the blinds shut in the house and would not leave the house.
Well, one day I finally did leave the house, about 2 weeks after the rape. I went to a neighbour's house. We were drinking coffee, and I started to feel strange. It was like my tonue was going into the back of my throat. My heart began to race, and my chest hurt. I tried to get up and felt I could not. Suddenly, I looked at "Susan" and everything was blurry. I got myself up somehow, and I looked at Susan and asked her if she poisoned my coffee. She looked at me for a minute, then said, "Are you ok?" I ran out the door and went home quickly.
When I got to the house, my sister was sitting on the couch. She started to tell me about her date the night before and I felt faint. Now my breathing was quickening. I was hyperventilating, but did not know that. I felt numb and tingly. I thought I was DYING.
I called 911. They said an ambulance would be there shortly. I could not wait. So I ran out the door, no shoes on, and started to scream.
Continue....
