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Scene3
(The plane sits in the field, the wings burning, the rest of it smoking. Suddenly the hatch opens. Out crawls a disheveled Marian Manson.)
Manson: (looks back in the plane) Hey! You morons alive?
(Poco climbs out, followed by Finger Dish
who rolls John666 out still attached to the food cart. Marian shoots Poco a death glare.)
Poco: (coughing) Don’t give me that look. I didn’t kill anyone. Not yet, anyway.
Finger Dish: (limps over to John666 and unties him from the cart) Where’s Twiggy? (John666 rolls onto the ground, wheezing)
(Suddenly Miss Twiggy bursts through the hatch holding up several different sized bags.)
Miss Twiggy: I SAVED THE DRUGS!!! (He tumbles to the ground. The others cheer.)
Poco: (dusting himself off) At least he’s useful for something.
Manson: (looking around) What the hell do we do, now? We’re in a f***ing wheat field.
Finger Dish: We do what any guys would do when they’re stuck in a wheat field with bags of drugs. We get high.
Miss Twiggy: WHISKEY AND SPEED!
Manson: I like the way you two think.
(Suddenly in the distance the footsteps and voices of many people can be heard.)
Poco: (turns toward the sound) What the hell is that?
(Now the voices can be heard clearly singing "Marching Off to Zion" as they draw closer.)
Finger Dish: (groans) Oh, no…
John666: Protesters? HERE?
Manson: I don’t believe this! Well, don’t worry. Our bodyguards will take care of them.
Finger Dish: (taps Marian on the shoulder) I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but…
John666: There are no body guards!
Manson: Oh, shit!
Miss Twiggy: Don’t worry, Marian! I’ll find them! (he dives back into the smoking plane)
Finger Dish: Wait a minute, Twiggster! If I remember correctly… After I boarded the plane the door shut behind me. I scooped up a bag of coke- I mean, I picked up a piece of luggage and I heard the door close. Now the bodyguards were behind me in line to board. Which means…
Manson: Do you mean to tell me that we left without them?
Finger Dish: Basically.
Manson: (whirls on (surprise!) John666) That was YOUR job to see everyone on board!
John666: (yelps) No it wasn’t! It was the roadies’ jobs!
Manson: Well they’re not alive right now so you’re the next best thing to blame, John-boy!
Finger Dish: (Comes between them gently) Easy, guys. Nothing is going to get solved this way. We’ve just got to get out of here!
(The protesters finally break into view. Some bear torches, others bear pitchforks and various farm tools, still others have dogs and other animals at their side and yet more carry stakes and crucifixes. When they catch sight of the band they let out a cry of fury and rush toward them.)
Man 1: It’s him!
Woman 1: The AntiChrist!
Man 2: The Prince of Darkness and his evil demons!
Woman 1: Oh, look how the bright red flames cover his head!
Man 3: We must drive them from the Earth!
Woman 2: They must be destroyed to preserve our salivation!
Man 1: Um, that’s "salvation", not "salivation", dear.
Woman 2: Whatever! Annihilate! Kill, kill, kill!
Manson: Son of a bitch.
Poco: Houston, we have a problem…
Miss Twiggy: (growling) I can take ‘em! He rolls up his dress sleeves.
Finger Dish: (grabs his arm) Oh, no you can’t. Run!
(They take off through the field with the protesters in hot pursuit. Miss Twiggy suddenly does a 180 and zips back, grabs the drugs and runs to catch up with the band.)
Manson: Damn, Twiggy. You really ARE insane.
Miss Twiggy: (running beside him, grinning wildly) Gotta’ save the drugs!
Man 1: (from behind them) Hurry! They’re getting away! They’ll escape through the gates of Hell!
Man 3: Let the dogs loose!
Dog owner: Roger that. (he unclasps the leash from his dogs’ collars and they tear after the fleeing band)
Poco: (looking back) Pick up the pace!
(They run faster and enter a deep forested area.)
Manson: (pointing) Quick! Up on that rock cliff thing!
(They start hastily climbing up the cliff. Manson slips a little.)
Manson: God damn these shoes! (he struggles back up)
(John666 is straggling a little behind Marian. Suddenly one of the dogs leaps up and catches John’s leg. He screams and shakes his leg wildly. The dog loses its grip and tumbles down the cliff leaving a gash in his ankle. John666 loses his grip and dangles dangerously over the snarling dogs.)
John666: HELP!!!
(Marian hears him and scoots down a bit and grabs his hand.)
Manson: Get a good grip, John-boy. Okay, come on now, quick, before those savages come back for the rest of the meat.
(John666 struggles up, clasping tightly to Marian’s outstretched hand, then manages to make it to the top of the cliff.)
John666: (panting) Th-thank you, Marian.
Manson: (smiles a little) Don’t mention it. (frowns) I mean it. Don’t mention it.
John666: (limps forward) Gotcha’.
(Finally the entire band stands at the top of the small cliff, glowering down at their persecuters.)
Man 2: Come down here and fight, foul beasts of Hell!
Manson: (fixes his hair, dusts himself off, and stands tall and proud) We will no longer be oppressed by the fascism of Christianity!
(This brings a roar of fury from the crowd)
Poco: (to Twiggy) Why do I have the feeling that this is going to turn into one hell of a concert?
Miss Twiggy: (shrugs) Too much Whiskey and Speed?
Poco: (rolls his eyes) Only you could miss a point so completely.
Woman 3: Repent! Repent and you will be saved!
Manson: Repent? (he smiles) That’s what I’m talking about! I shed the skin to feed the fake!
Dog owner: My animal has drawn the blood of the blue demon! That is merely the start! We will not stop until all of your blood runs and paints the ground!
Manson: (turns to the band) And they call ME the AntiChrist?
Finger Dish: Marian, you’d better do some fast sweet talkin’ to this crowd. We can’t stay here forever and we ain’t got no backup! We are in serious trouble!
Manson: Don’t you think I know that? I feel like I’m in Salem! (he clears his throat and turns back to the crowd) Let me ask each and every one of you out there a question… How does it feel to be one of the Beautiful People?!
(The crowd roars; some in anger, some in misunderstood approval.)
Poco: Now just imagine how cool it would be if we had our instruments!
(Suddenly the crowd hushes and a reverend clad in a purplish cleric steps forward.)
Reverend: Mr. Manson, from one reverend to another… Why have you come here? You are not welcome here.
Manson: It was not by our will! Our plane crashed into that field whereupon my band and I were rudely chased up this cliff in fear of our lives. And if that weren’t enough, one of your stupid dogs bit my guitarist and innocent blood was wrongly spilled!
Woman 1: Innocent? There is nothing innocent about the lot of you! It was God’s will that you landed in this town so suddenly and His will that we destroy you!
Manson: (laughs) You call ME a sinner? Have you looked around yourselves? You are ALL sinners! You preach of what you think is right or wrong, and you fail to abide by those rules when it’s convenient not to. You are prepared at the spur of the moment to murder in cold blood another of your species for some sort of "Holy War" because certain humans use
their freedom of choice! Is not that a sin? Have you looked in the mirrors and seen the true reflections? Let us light a candle for all of the sinners amongst us here and set the forest alight! (the crowd hushes momentarily) Reverend, let us leave in peace.
Reverend: (angry) I can’t do that. I don’t have control over all these people. They will do what they wish. I can’t stop them. If they feel that you must be destroyed, then so it will happen. (he steps aside and the crowd surges toward the cliff)
Manson: Amazing. Fan-f***ing-tastic. YOU HYPOCRITES! (he turns to the band) Okay, now what in Hell do we do?
Miss Twiggy: That’s it!
Manson: Not now, Twiggy. This is important.
Miss Twiggy: No… I meant, we show them "Hell"!
Manson: (stares at fim for a moment, then grins) Twiggy, you’re a genius!
Ginger Fish: Never thought I’d hear those four words!
Poco: (smiling evilly) They want demons from Hell? We’ll give ‘em demons from Hell! Still have those drugs, Twiggs?
Miss Twiggy: Yeah.
Poco: Hallelujah, boys, we’re in business!
Finger Dish: Okay, suppose that’s the plan. Now just HOW are we going to pull it off?
Poco: (grabs the bags of drugs from Twiggy) Just let the master work his magic, ye of little faith. Twiggy, do you have your reading glasses with you?
Miss Twiggy: (looks embarrassed) Um… yeah… (he fumbles in his dress pocket and produces them and hands them to Poco)
Poco: Sorry, Twiggs. I won’t break ‘em, don’t worry.
Miss Twiggy: (tries to look big and manly) What do I need glasses for? Go on and break them!
Poco: (grins) You don’t have to ask me twice! (He begins to fumble through the bags of drugs, emptying them all out on the rocky surface.)
Manson: Well, wonderboy, would you hurry up? They’re getting close and they have weapons. We don’t!
Poco: I need some time! Stall them!
Miss Twiggy: I’ll stop them! (He darts to the front of the cliff and bends over, lifts up his dress, and classically moons the crowd. That stops them for a moment and they stare in shock at the wonder that is Miss Twiggy’s rear end.) See, Marian? You’re not the only one who can bare your ass in style! (Marian laughs)
(Meanwhile, Poco has mixed all of the drugs together (sampling some, himself), and holds Twiggy’s reading glasses up to the sun which starts to reflect onto a small pile of sticks and brush that he’s gathered. As the crowd finally recuperates from the horrible sight of Twiggy’s ass, they begin to surge forward again, starting to scale the rock cliff. Poco hastily scoops the drugs into on large bag and hands it over to Marian.)
Poco: Here’s where you come in, mister superstar. Do what you’re best at. Scare them! Chant or something.
Pull a Wizard of Oz thing. And while you’re doing it, sprinkle this on them! (he holds the bag out to him)
Manson: (grabs the bag and dashes to the edge of the cliff, pushing Twiggy aside)
HALT!!!
(The sound is so loud and thunderous that the entire crowd stops in their tracks.)
Manson: (looking ferocious) YOU HAVE ANGERED THE GREAT ANTICHRIST SUPERSTAR! NOW YOU ALL SHALL PAY!!!
(The crowd stops and actually starts to look worried. Manson grins and then starts sprinkling the drugs out over them, chanting.)
Manson: (grinning madly and wildly showering the crowd with the drugs)
Prick your finger, it is done.
The moon has now eclipsed the sun.
An angel has spread its wings.
A time has come for bitter things!
(The crowd starts to back off, sneezing from the coke particles and various other drugs.)
Woman 1: He’s putting a spell on us!
Man 2: He’s condemning us to Hell!
Man 1: Fight it!
Woman 2: Stop him!
Manson: (laughs evilly) You cannot sedate all the things you hate! (turns to Poco) Stoke up that fire! (turns back to the crowd and laughs again) Because I am the all American AntiChrist! I was raised in America, and America hates me for what I am! I am your shit! And you should be ashamed of what you have eaten!
(The great shower of drugs suddenly starts to take effect on the crowd. The fire grows higher and higher, and to the protesters, it seems to engulf the rock and the "demons" on it.)
Manson: (looks back at the others.) Tell me there was acid in that…
(Poco just smiles wickedly and Marian grins.)
(John666 limps toward where Marian is standing and brings out a water pistol and aims it at the dog owner and fires. A stream of liquid flies out and hits him smack in the face and mouth. John666 then starts firing it at each person, dousing them with what little liquid is in the gun.)
Manson: (looks questioningly at John) What is that?
John666: Acid. I found some in the bathroom in the plane.
Manson: (laughs) Cool. Good aim, too.
(When the drugs finally run out, the crowd stumbles around looking a bit dazed. They look up and see the band and the fire behind them practically surrounding them. The ladies scream various things about demons and monsters and fallen angels. The men start screaming that the apocalypse has finally come.)
Woman 1: Make him stop!
Reverend: (to Marian) What is God’s name do you think you’re doing?
Manson: (laughs and starts to sing) I put a spell on you… because you're mine!
(Now the crowd is frantic, and hallucinating terribly. They see Manson and the band as huge and horrible demons from Hell engulfed in flames and preparing to "steal their souls".)
Woman 2: He’s trying to steal our souls! Oh no!
Dog Owner: I’m sorry my dog bit you!
(some of the people begin to stumble away)
Manson: (grins as he sees the other band members in hysterics. Then he turns to the crowd below him) Now, do you let us leave in peace? Or do we go on?
Man 1: Run away! Run away!
(The entire crows flees, shrieking, out of the woods)
Pogo: (calling after them) Have a nice trip!
Manson: (brushes his hand through his hair) Well, that worked.
Finger Dish: Let’s go before they get another wind of courage. You know how rednecks are.
(They begin to make their way down the little cliff)
John666: (looking over the edge) Hey, wait! (He takes a step, then proceeds to roll the rest of the way down. He crashes into Finger Dish, who then crashes into Poco, who then crashes into Miss Twiggy, whereupon the whole mess lands on Marian.)
Manson: GET OFFA’ ME! (he struggles up and they fall to the side)
John666: (looks sheepish) Sorry.
Miss Twiggy: (picks some sticks out of his hair) I think I broke something.
Manson: Yeah, ME.
Miss Twiggy: Thanks, John-boy. (he throws a fragment of a stick at him)
Finger Dish: (gets up and dusts himself off) Okay, time to find a phone. (he starts walking back toward the direction of the field) You comin’? (they grumble, but start to follow)
Miss Twiggy: (drawing back suddenly and whimpering) No! I don’t want to go! We’ll run into the children of the wheat, I KNOW it! No! No! No!
Poco: (sighs) We’re not in Nebraska, Twigs, so stop whining and let’s get out of here!
Manson: (from ahead) TWIGGY!!!! DON’T MAKE ME COME BACK THERE!!!
(Miss Twiggy stands up shakily and reluctantly walks forward with the rest. After a while they end up back at the plane which, by now, has stopped smoking.)
Finger Dish: (looks around) Got phone?
Miss Twiggy: (dives into the plane and a moment later comes back out with a cellular. The phone beeps as he turns it on.) Quick! What’s the number for 911?
Manson: (grabs the phone) Gimme’ that, you numbskull. (He dials it, puts it up to his ear, waits a moment, shakes it, smacks it, listens again, redials, listens, then throws it on the ground.) Stupid piece of machinery! It’s dead.
Finger Dish: Well, sure. Who could survive such a beating? (he chuckles)
Poco: (darkly) You’d be amazed what you can live through. (Finger Dish takes a sidestep, eyeing him warily)
John666: (looks upward suddenly and points) Look! It’s a plane!
Miss Twiggy: No! It’s a really big crow!
Poco: Both wrong! It’s a helicopter!
John666: Who cares! Signal it!
(They start jumping around wildly, doing anything they can to attract attention. Miss Twiggy somehow re-ignites the plane in the field. The helicopter changes course and begins to loom closer.)
John666: (stops waving his arms and looks at Finger Dish) A BLACK helicopter? Don’t you think that’s odd?
Finger Dish: I am beyond the point of caring, Johnny-boy.
(Finally the black helicopter lands in the field about 20 feet away from the fallen plane. All of the band members run toward it but John666. He limps. Then, exhausted, he falls.)
Manson: (watches as someone emerges from the helicopter. He hastily tries to fix his hair and look presentable.) Hey, man. Good thing you landed. We got stranded here- (he is cut off as he is suddenly pulled into the helicopter)
Miss Twiggy: Marian: (he leans forward and he, too, is pulled inside)
(Poco and Finger Dish look at each other strangely. They start backing away from the helicopter in a hurry. Three figures dressed in black dash out from the bowels of the ‘copter and point guns at the two band members.)
Figure 1: Freeze! (his voice is strangely metallic)
Finger Dish: What the hell? Danged-stupid-messed-up-men-in-black-all-thinkin’-they-can-just-come-here-and-steal-people-stupid-lousy-no-good…
Figure 1: Shut-up and put your hands in the air!
Poco: Who ARE you??
Figure 2: Shut-UP he said!
(From a few feet back, John666 watches from a shelter of wheat.)
John666: Oh, no! What do I do? (He watches in horror as his friends are shoved into the ominous helicopter and the door is closed. He quickly crawls forward and climbs, unnoticed, ont the stand underneath the helicopter.) Hang on, Johnny! This is going to be one hell of a ride!
(The helicopter starts to take off. In a flurry of wind and noise, the vehicle leaves the ground. And John666 goes with it, hanging on for dear life.)
I can't stand the things that you do.
No, no, no, I ain't lying!
No!
I don't care if you don't want me,
'cause I'm yours, yours, yours, anyhow!
Yeah!
I'm yours, yours, yours!
I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Yeeaaahhh!
I put a spell on you.
Lord! Lord! Lord!
'Cause you're mine, yeah!
I can't stand the things that you do
When you're foolin' around.
I don't care if you don't want me,
'Cause I'm yours, yours, yours, anyhow!
Yeah!
I can't stand your foolin' around.
If I can't have you, no one will!
I love you, you, you!
I love you! I love you! I love you!
I love you, you, you!
I don't care if you don't want me!
'Cause I'm yours, yours, yours
anyhow!!!
SCENE 1
(Setting: Inside the helicopter. Marian, Miss Twiggy, Poco, and Finger Dish are sitting against the wall with their hands tied behind their backs. Lazy Jerkowitz looms over them, smugly, with the classic villain's grin plastered on his face.)
Jerkowitz: Well, well, well. Who has the upper hand now, huh?
Marian: Shut the hell up, Lazy. No one cares.
Jerkowitz: (pulling Marian forward by the collar) I think it's time you started caring, Red. You still think you're too "good" for me? Hmmm?
Manson: (snarling) Yeah. I do. You're nothing to me.
Jerkowitz: (ignoring him) And where's your little guitarist? I had a special fate planned for him!
Poco: You're so intelligent, Lazy, that you must have not seen him. You and your "slick" self. (he chuckles)
Jerkowitz: (angry) Shut up, you spikey haired idiot! I can kill you! I can kill your whole family!
Manson: That's my line. Thief.
Jerkowitz: Correction. WAS. I not only CAN kill you. I WILL.
Miss Twiggy: (wailing) I TOLD YOU WE WOULD RUN INTO THE CHILDREN OF THE WHEAT! NOW LOOK!
Jerkowitz: (looks at Miss Twiggy and laughs) Ah, Twiggy. Still as big a coward as ever.
Miss Twiggy: (his face goes red) What did you say?
Manson: Oh, give it up, Lazy.
Jerkowitz: (shoves Marian back) I'll do what I want. I'M in charge now!
Miss Twiggy: (his glare remains fixed on Jerkowitz) What did you call me?
Manson: You're as pathetic as ever, Lazy. Only you would do something this extreme and this stupid to get some sort of petty "revenge". What the hell? Are you insane?
Jerkowitz: Maybe I am. Get up. All of you. Get up.
(They look at each other and laugh. All except Miss Twiggy. He continues to glare.)
Jerkowitz: Funny, huh? (he whips out a gun) I wasn't kidding. Get up. Now.
(They reluctantly rise, unwilling to admit defeat.)
Miss Twiggy: (suddenly bursts out) I ASKED YOU A QUESTION! WHAT DID YOU CALL ME, YOU STUPID F***?!
Jerkowitz: (startled) I… I called you a coward.
Miss Twiggy: A coward, huh? (He stands up and visibly strains for a moment, then snaps the rope around his wrists in half. He takes a step toward Jerkowitz.) You think so, still?
Jerkowitz: (backs up a bit. One of his "minions" step toward Miss Twiggy threateningly.) Keep back, you…
Manson: What? Coward? You can’t call him that anymore. You have all your little "soldiers" to back you up.
Jerkowitz: (looks worried. He motions his minion away.) Uh… (he looks behind him and sees a sword placed conveniently against the side wall. He grabs it.) En guarde!
Miss Twiggy: (looks behind him and also sees a sword. He grabs it, grinning) En guarde! (He rushes toward Jerkowitz, swinging wildly.)
Finger: Daaaaamn! Look at ‘im go! Yeah, Twiggy!!!
Pogo: (cheers) Frickem frackem rickem rake! Stick that sword into that snake!!!
(Twiggy turns around to smile at his cheering fans and Jerkowitz promptly kicks at him, knocking him off balance. The band boos. Lazy’s minions cheer.)
Miss Twiggy: My designer dress! You’ve ruined it! (he sobs)
Jerkowitz: (smiles evilly and tears another piece of his dress with the tip of his blade) Here. It’s an improvement, trust me, "girlfriend".
Miss Twiggy: (looks at him in rage) You *@$#%^&*&@#!&!!!
Manson: Hey! Only I’m allowed to curse like that.
Miss Twiggy: (lunges for Lazy) Heeeeyaaaaaaa!!! (Lazy sidesteps and opens the door of the helicopter. Twiggy is going too fast to stop and he runs out the door to his doom.) AAAAIIIEEEEEE!!!!
Manson, Finger Dish, and Poco: NOOOO!!!!
Finger Dish: OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED TWIGGY!
Manson: YOU BASTARD!!!
Jerkowitz: Hahahahahahaha! So much for that pansy. (his eyes glimmer maliciously) Who’s next?
(Lazy’s minions start shoving the rest of the band members forward toward the door of the helicopter.)
Poco: Let go of me, you freaks! (he fights wildly)
Jerkowitz: Look who’s talking, pretty boy!
(Poco is shoved out of the helicopter, yowling.)
Finger: (leaps back and leads his attackers on a merry chase around the plane, cursing the entire time.) God-damned-no-good-blood-thirsty-murdering-slime-balls-keep-your-hands-off-me- AAAAAHHH! (he is pushed out)
Jerkowitz: Lucky your little guitarist isn’t here to fall to his doom, as well. Eh, he won’t last long. The "new kids" never do. If your horrid "initiation procedure" didn’t kill him, realization that he’s going to be out of a job and broke will. Heh, heh
Manson: (grins) What? Envious? You barely passed the "initiation". In fact, if I remember correctly, you bawled like a baby.
Jerkowitz: (defensive) That wasn't me! That was DimDum!
Manson: (smugly) Whatever.
Jerkowitz: Shut up, you ingrate.
Manson: Oh, poor pathetic Lazy. Look at yourself. Look at where your pettiness has gotten you. Look at how far you’ve gone to achieve your little "revenge". I hope it’s worth it.
Jerkowitz: Oh it is, Marian, it is. I told you I’d make you pay. And now you’re doing so with your very life. So much for the "All American Antichrist". Not so immortal now, are you, miste r superstar? Do you have any idea what you’ve put me through? After you threw me out, it’s been nothing but hardship for me. Agonies and agonies of rejection. Why, I even got kicked out of that new band, Jack On Jill! And it’s ALL YOUR FAULT!
Manson: It’s not my fault that you suck. I have nothing to do with that.
Jerkowitz: What the hell are you talking about?
Manson: When you were born, you sucked. While you live, you suck. And when you die, you’ll suck. Accept it and get on with your life. (he smirks) "Keep on suckin’".
Jerkowitz: (infuriated) You’ve ridiculed me for the last time, Marian!
(As Lazy moves to push Marian out, Marian looks down and sees John666, Twiggy, and Poco clinging to the rack underneath the helicopter and holding onto Finger Dish who is dangling from their hands. They notice Marian.)
Poco: (holds out a hand) Grab on as you fall!
Marian: (turns to Lazy and looks at him with steely eyes which stops Lazy in his tracks) You know what, Jerkowitz? Let me do the honors. I’ll see you in hell. (he jumps and Poco catches him. They go unnoticed by Lazy, however.)
Jerkowitz: So long, loser! Don’t forget to write!
(Meanwhile on the bottom of the helicopter, the five rock stars cling to the rack and hope that Jerkowitz decides to land soon.)
(The helicopter lands on top of a huge estate like building and Jerkowitz steps out groggily.)
Jerkowitz: (to his minions) You stay here. I’m just going to go pay that lousy Poop Daddy for his services. (grumbles to self) Sure hope this check doesn’t bounce. (He walks toward an elevator and steps in, the doors closing after him.)
( The spooky kids climb out from under the helicopter, cautiously.)
Finger Dish: God damn, man. That was one hell of a crazy ride. It’s like them dang ol’ amusement park rides, I’ll tell you what…
Manson: (whispering fiercely) Damn it, would you shut the hell up? You want those goombas in there to hear you? That’s all we’d need!
Poco: Well, what are we gonna’ do? We’ve got to do something. Where are we, anyway?
Manson: Judging from the looks of it, seems like a certain rap remixer’s estate. (he grins) I suddenly have an idea… (He motions for the rest of the band to huddle in a circle and they do. Whispering can be heard, and an occasional giggle. After a few moments they all nod, then stand back up again.) Ready?
Others: Ready.
Manson: Hike!
(The groups splits up to all corners of the helicopter. Twiggy runs to the door of the ‘copter and opens it up, peeks in, moons Lazy’s minions and then runs forward, the minions close behind. From the back of the helicopter, Marian sticks a boot out and trips one. The minion flies forward and Poco bonks him on the head with a mike stand. Finger Dish tackles the next one and Marian trips the third, with Poco knocking him out again.)
Finger Dish: (struggling with the captive minion) Poco! Over here! (Poco promptly knocks the minion senseless.)
(John666 scrambles into the helicopter and emerges with rope and duct tape and a large tarp. They quickly incapacitate Lazy’s minions and chuck them in a corner of the rooftop, covering them with the tarp.)
Manson: (dusting hands off) Well, boys, that was relatively simple. (eyes Poco) But where did you get the mike stand?
Poco: Oh, come on, Marian! No good rockstar is without his trusty mike stand! That’s like The Lone Ranger without Silver! It’s a required accessory.
Manson: (laughs) Alright. Wait in the helicopter, okay guys? I’m going to go inside.
Twiggy: We aren’t just gonna’ get out of here?
Manson: Hell, no! We’ve got some unfinished business…
Finger Dish: Now, Marian, don’t be doing anything stupid. Let’s just get while the going’s good.
Manson: Look, just give me a minute, I’ll be right out. (He steps into the elevator and is gone.)
Miss Twiggy: (bawls) I wanna’ go home! I miss-
Others: Whiskey and speed. We know. (Twiggy pouts.)
Finger Dish: (climbing into the helicopter) Come on, guys. May as well.
Poco: (looks around it greedily) Can we trash it? Huh? Huh? Can we?
Finger Dish: (exasperated) Not now, Poco.
Poco: (with the impatience of a child) But I wanna’! I wanna’ break stuff now!
Finger Dish: You just wait until your father gets home!
Miss Twiggy: Ooooh…
John666: (slaps forehead and groans) Oy!
Scene 3
(Marian steps out of the elevator and into a large room with a huge white sofa, pictures of Smally Bigs, a posthumous rap star, covering the walls, and lots of shiny white and chrome furniture. Jerkowitz is handing Poop Daddy a check and he’s busy talking on a cellular phone.)
Jerkowitz: (Annoyed that Poop Daddy isn’t paying attention to him, he throws him the check and starts to walk toward the elevator. He stops as he sees a set of two different colored eyes, one bright green and one burning red.) What the-?
Manson: Merry Christmas, motherf***er.
Jerkowitz: (his eyes bug out in terror as he sees Marian step ominously out of the shadows.) B-b-b-b-b-b-but you’re d-d-d-
Manson: Dead? Deceased? No longer among the living? (He rushes forward and siezes Lazy by the throat.) Here’s a riddle for you, you backstabbing bastard. I’m already dead. I always have been. But you? You are beyond dead. You are a rotting, worthless, walking carcass of despair and hopelessness. And I pity you. Do you know that? I pity your sorry ass for having the misfortune to f***ing cross ME.
Jerkowitz: (coughing and trying to break free) I didn’t mean it! (coughs) I was just… ack… mad!
Manson: (tightening his grip) Mad? You were mad? I suppose that justifies trying to kill me and your other ex-band members, huh?
(While they argue Poop Daddy still continues chatting on the phone, completely oblivious to the life and death struggle goes on just ten feet from him.)
Manson: (lets go of Lazy and watches him drop to the floor. He steps lightly on his throat.) Now who can kill who and their family? (Lazy passes out.)
Poop Daddy: (still oblivious and talking on the phone) No, no, no! Y’all don’t understand! That song needs to be re-mixed by me! It sucks, yo’! I’ll give it life! (Marian pulls the phone plug out of the wall.) Hello? Hello? (He hangs up in confusion and sees Marian for the first time.) Yo! What the hell is your punk ass doing here?
Manson: (smiles congenially) Thought I drop by for a quick hello and congratulations on murdering my song, "The Beautiful People" with your re-mix of it.
Poop Daddy: (starts laughing) Like it, huh? Better than your version of it, with y’all screamin’ and whatnot. (sits back on his couch) Man, look at you! All gone "glam" and glittered and red haired! Ain’t that a sight to behold? And look at those boots! Think the new image will change your music so that it’s as popular as mine? (Marian snorts but keeps smiling while Poop Daddy keeps on jeering.) Oh, oh, wait! I heard that you plan on making a rap album! Oh, if that don’t beat all! (lifts up his shades) That’s a competitive business only for us real musicians.
Marian: (keeps smiling, but his eyes darken) Are you quite done with your pathetic mud-slinging? (Poop Daddy just laughs.) I’ll take that as a yes. (He steps forward) So you think that you’re the king of the music industry, do you?
Poop Daddy: (stands up and shouts) I’m the king of the world!
Marian: Well I’m the God of fuck. (He looks down calmly at his fist and opens his hand revealing his talon like fingernails.) And I think you need a little wake up call as to who’s king in what business. (He slowly and methodically advances on Poop Daddy who shrinks back into the couch.)
Poop Daddy: Hey, man… wh-what are you doin’? Get away from me! AAAAAAAAHHH!!!
(fade to black as screams continue to be heard.)
Scene 4
(Poco lands the helicopter in the large yard of the Chanson estate. Whiney music and be heard emanating from their open windows. The band hops out and walks toward the house. Tyler Chanson walks out to pick some flowers and sees the band walking toward him. He shrieks and runs back into the house, slamming and locking the door.)
Tyler Chanson: (from inside, heard from the windows) Those horrible satan people are at our house, guys! What do we do? Oh no!
Jack Chanson: I’ll bet they’re angry because we sang one of their songs.
Issaic Chanson: Oh, dear. How on earth shall we placate them?
Miss Twiggy: (grins and knocks on the door) Here, kiddie, kiddie, kiddie!
Finger Dish: (laughing) Don’t be so evil! (he knocks again) Come on, fellas, we’re not going to hurt you. We’ve got something for you.
Tyler: (from behind the door) Mom told us never to take anything from strangers!
Poco: Mom should have told you not to sing strangers’ songs, then! (fumbles with the lock and the door opens. The three brothers yelp and back away.)
Marian: (sweetly) We’re not mad at you, dear children! We’ve got a present for you to show our appreciation!
Tyler Chanson: A present? Really? (He runs forward.)
Finger Dish: (fishes out a dimebag of pot that he had in his pocket from the plane) Here ya’ go.
Tyler Chanson: (looking at it) What’s this?
John666: Uh… It’s an herbal remedy for your vocal chords. It will help you sing better.
Jack: Cool! Let me see!
Poco: Here, let me fix it for you. (he rolls the pot into a joint and lights it for them.) Just take a few puffs and pass it around.
(The Chanson brothers get their first taste of pot. They start laughing like Beavis and Butthead. )
Issaic: Huh-huh. This is cool.
Tyler: Yeah, yeah! Heh-heh-heh!
Marian: (brushes hands off) Our work here is done. (he laughs) Now they’ll put out some good music!
(They walk out of the door and hop back into the helicopter.)
Poco: (in the pilot’s seat) Now what, Marian?
Marian: (sighs) Now we can finally go home and fix up things with our soon to be ex-agent and then just go back to the "good life".
Poco: Hey, what’d you do with Jerkowitz? Did you…
Marian: Kill him? No, of course not. I’d rather not spend the rest of my career in jail. I just scared some sense into him and left him with Poop Daddy. (he grins wickedly) Who’s in even worse shape than Jerkowitz.
John666: (raises eyebrows) Whoa.
Miss Twiggy: (turns to Poco) Home, James! Home to whiskey and speed!
Finger Dish: I’ll drink to that!
(They laugh and the helicopter takes off, headed for Hollywood.)
Well, needless to say, not everyone lived happily ever after. Some did. For instance, Marian Manson went on to rock for years and years to come. They made the rock and roll hall of fame with a designated spot right next to Ozzy Ozbourne. Miss Twiggy never did stop speaking of whisky and speed. Poco continued to be evil when he could. Finger Dish continued to make the peace if he could. John666 stopped being called "new kid". And Marian? Well, he gained respect worldwide for his views and went on to become president of the United States. And yes. Marijuana became legalized. As for our "villains"… Poop Daddy kept on rapping, but he stopped re-mixing. He’s been scarred for life ever since his encounter with our Omega. In more ways than one. Lazy Jerkowitz entered a mental institution. ‘Nough said. The Chanson brothers became world class stoners, (which wasn’t a problem since marijuana became legalized under Manson’s presidential term) and actually put out albums that whole populations enjoyed and could relate to. A happy ending of sorts, but not as complete as in the bullshit fairytales. And that, dear friends, is the end of this play. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!
--Agent Swift
