CAST:

Marian Manson: Androgynous leader and singer of the hit shock rock band, Marian Manson. He sports metallic suits and huge shoes and bright red hair. He likes drugs. A lot.

Miss Twiggy: Marian’s righthand man and bassist who also happens to be a crossdresser. He enjoys dresses when onstage and backstage, too. He talks about drugs. A lot.

Poco: The band’s keyboarder and old friend of Marian’s. He’s got the psyche of a crazed murderer and tends to be somewhat evil at times.

Finger Dish: The band’s drummer who, when angry, tends to sputter incoherent curses in a southern accent. He often acts as the one with the most common sense in a stressful situation.

John666: The newest addition to the band. He the guitarist who often gets picked on either because of his name (aka John-boy, Johnny) or his blue hair (aka, blue-haired-freak) The result is a skittish natured guitarist with blue hair constantly in fear of his life.

THE ANTAGONISTS-

Lazy Jerkowitz: Was once the guitarist in Marian Manson but was kicked out because he didn’t want to do anything. He lived up to his name. Now he wants revenge on Marian. And his little guitarist, too.

Poop Daddy: Famous rap artist who has also earned the reputation as a musical theif because of his ability to remix into C-Rap wonderful works of music.

The Chanson Brothers: 3 annoying prepubescent singing teenage heart-throbs who sing whiney cutesy-wutesy songs. You either love them or hate them.

The Plot: Lazy Jerkowitz has been kicked out of the famous shock rock band, Marian Manson. It’s now 1999, a few years since that happened, and Lazy has decided to take revenge on Marian and his band for excommunicating him. Lazy has tried starting a band to counteract Marian’s , but it just didn’t work. So this time, Lazy has begun to hire annoying bands like the Chanson Brothers and Poop Daddy to deploy his evil scheme to take the final revenge on Marian Manson once and for all.

Act 1

Scene 1: (Backstage of a concert performance by Marian Manson. All the band members are lazing around, shooting the breeze, shooting up, and congratulating each other on how well the performance went.)

Marian Manson: That was one hell of a show, that’s for sure. (he snorts some coke)

Miss Twiggy: You know what would have made it better, though?

John666: What? (he lights a joint)

Miss Twiggy: Whiskey and Speed.

Manson: Christ, Twiggy, is that all you think about?

Finger Dish: You were doped up before the show, what more do you want?

Miss Twiggy: Whiskey and Speed.

Poco: I saw that one coming! (he drinks some of his beer)

Manson: (he grabs Poco’s beer can and throws it at Miss Twiggy.) Shut the hell up.

Miss Twiggy: (catches the beer can and drinks it) Thanks. But I was just sayin’…

Finger Dish: No one really cares, so shut-up.

Miss Twiggy: Watch what you say, little drummer boy, or I’ll shove those drumsticks so far up your ass, you’ll look like you’ve sprouted horns!

Poco: (smiles evilly) Actually, I think that’s a great idea.

Manson: Then we’d REALLY give those Christian protesters something to complain about. Go ahead, Twigs, I’ll hold him down.

Finger Dish: (jumps up and begins sputtering angrily) Y’all better just step the hell back I ain’t dealin’ with no dang sodomy damn it try it on one of the roadies you freaks man I’ll kick your-

Miss Twiggy: (laughing) I don’t plan going anywhere near your ass anytime soon, so calm down.

Finger Dish: Damn right.

Manson: Morons…

John666: Speak for yourself! At least I ain’t afraid of no Chanson brothers! (the others gasp)

(Manson leaps up and grabs him by the throat. The others just watch.)

Manson: What was that, "new kid"? Speak a little clearer.

John666: (coughing) N-nothing. Nothing at all!

Manson: (pushing him up against the wall) I can kill you, you know. I can kill your whole family! (he lets him go)

John666: (rubbing his throat) Bleedin’ Christ, Marian! I was only foolin’!

Manson: That’s what you get for disrespecting me. (he walks out of the room presumably in search of more drugs)

Poco: Not a good move, John-boy.

Finger Dish: Yeah. What the hell were you thinking?

Miss Twiggy: Dumbass.

Poco: He HATES those little twits; the Chansons.

Miss Twiggy: Yeah, dumbass.

Poco: Even has nightmares about ‘em.

John666: (laughing slightly) You’re kidding, right? (silence) RIGHT???

Miss Twiggy: Dumbass.

Finger Dish: But you ain’t heard that from us, got it? (John666 nods) My advice is to shut the hell up.

John666: It sucks being the "new kid".

(Marian Manson walks in, smoking a joint.)

Manson: What’s all this chatter about?

Others: Nothing.

Manson: (eyes them suspiciously) Don’t go chicken-shit on me just because I got a little upset with the blue haired freak!

Miss Twiggy: Dumbass.

Manson: What the hell is YOUR problem?

John666: He’s a little doped up.

Manson: (to John) And what are you? His mommy?

(Just then there is a buzz at the door of the dressing room.)

John666: I’LL GET IT!!! (runs to the door, relieved to get away. He answers it, then come back holding a paper in his hand) It’s a telegram..

Miss Twiggy: IN THE DOPE SHOW!!!

Others: SHUT-UP!!!

Manson: (reads aloud) Dearest Marian and so called "friends", The time has come, it is quite clear Stop This AntiChrist is one you’ll fear Stop I’ll have my revenge on you for kicking me out very, very soon Stop And I am not alone Stop And you thought the Teletubbies were bad… Stop Signed, Lazy Jerkowitz. (He crumples up the paper) Only Jerkowitz would be stupid enough to send a telegram in the mechanical world of E-mails and fax machines.

Miss Twiggy: What a dumbass.

Poco: (grinning wickedly) Want me to kill him, Marian? Please? It will be just like the old days!

Finger Dish: Now, now. That’s no way to treat an old friend of the "family". (they laugh menacingly)

Marian: The hell it isn’t! What does he think? Coming back and starting shit with me?

John666: What does he mean, he’s not alone?

Finger Dish: It means he’s not stopping by for tea and crumpets, you… (looks expectantly at Miss Twiggy)

Miss Twiggy: Whiskey and speed.

Finger Dish: No! You were supposed to say, "dumbass"!

Miss Twiggy: Why?

Finger Dish: Because… Oh, forget it! (he throws a drumstick at him)

Miss Twiggy: (catches it as it bounces off his head) Hey, now I can finish what I never started! Hey, Marian! Get him!

Finger Dish: What the-? (he starts cursing profusely as they near him) What the hell do you think you’re doing? Are you out of your Freaking minds? God-damned- son-of-a-whore-bastard- (he runs out of the room followed by Miss Twiggy, still cursing)

Manson: (stops and watches them) Oh, well. That will keep them busy. At least their minds will be off of drugs.

Miss Twiggy: (calling from offstage) WHISKEY AND SPEED!!!

Manson: Or… not.

Scene 2- (Lazy Jerkowitz is pacing around in his house still ranting about being thrown out of the band even though it was several years ago.)

Jerkowitz: Kick me out, will they? I’ll show them! At least I don’t walk around with my ass hanging out, all glittered up and crying about how much the world sucks and have fake boobs popping out of my chest! (pauses) Although he DOES put Pamela lee to shame… Bah!

(He continues pacing and grumbling when the phone rings.)

Jerkowitz: (picks up the phone) Hello? Who? WHO? (he smiles) Oh, HELLO, Poop Daddy! (grandeur) Good of you to return my call. What do you mean, "who am I"? I’m- Yes, that’s right. NO, I’M NOT A HAS-BEEN! What’s that? You will? And to what do I owe the occasion? (pause) FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS???!!! (pause) I see… Mmhmmm. Yes, you’ll get your money. (pause) Oh, I assure you, it’s worth it! (pause) Yes, I know he’s a low-life-scum-sucking-poser-no-talent-freak. Yes I know you’re tired of him drawing the music audience away from C-RAP and R&B. Well, here’s your chance. (pause) Yes. Thank you. Goodbye. (hangs up the phone) Oh, this is going to be too good! (he rubs his hands together gleefully) I’ll show him who’s in the dope show! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! (he picks up the phone again) Hello, operator? I’d like the listings for all the Chansons in Hollywood…

Scene 3- (Morning in Marian’s hotel room. The radio clock turns on as it turns 10am and suddenly there is a Marian Manson song playing. But there is something very, very wrong…)

Manson: (hearing the song and waking up slowly) That sounds familiar. Damn C-Rap stars re-mix everything they can get their hands on. (sits up and holds head) Damn it! Another day, another hangover. (the song plays on and suddenly Marian realizes something) Holy shit! That’s my song he’s rapping! POOP DADDY IS RAPPING MY DAMNED SONG!!!! (He jumps out of bed, runs to the door of his room, realizes he doesn’t have any clothes on, realizes he doesn’t care, shrugs, then runs next door to Miss Twiggy’s room, knocking ferociously on the door.) TWIGGY! OPEN UP!!!

Miss Twiggy: (opens the door groggily, then is suddenly wide awake, eyes popping, as he sees Marian’s naked body) You know, you’re sexy and everything, but… (wipes his brow) What a wake up call!

Manson: (pushes past him) Shut the hell up and turn on your radio.

Miss Twiggy: (throws him a bathrobe) Alright. (He turns on the radio and hears the ever popular "Beautiful People" being harshly rapped out by Poop Daddy.) Oh SHIT! No WAY is that low-life-scum-sucking-no-talent-poser getting away with this!

Manson: Damn right. Give me the phone, I’m calling our agent. Go get the others and tell them to come here. (he dials) Hello? This is Marian Manson, please put me through to my agent. Oh, this is he?

(As Miss Twiggy leaves, he hears a flood of profanity that, if written, would burn this page. When Miss Twiggy returns with the other band members, Manson has hung up the phone and is positively fuming.) John666: Maaaaan, listen to him…

Finger Dish: Well, how could he do that? Doesn’t he need our permission first?

Manson: (stops swearing for a moment) We must have signed some stupid f***ing contract when we were high or drunk or something! #@!%!$ (continues swearing)

Miss Twiggy: Whiskey and speed!!!!

(Marian then proceeds to beat the hell out of Twiggy. So to speak. Glitter flies.)

John666: (panicking) What do we do? What do we do??

Manson: (lets up on Miss Twiggy and fixes his hair) We do what any fine American would do in this situation.

John666: We sue?

Manson: No. We break stuff. Heads, preferably. (he looks at the clock) After we finish our last concert tonight. Then it’s back to Hollywood first thing. After all that, THEN we sue.

Poco: Yeah, but you’re forgetting on other thing we have to do…

Manson: What’s that?

Poco: Trash the hotel rooms!

Finger Dish: Geez, man, how could we forget? (takes out a lighter) Ready, man?

Poco: (takes out a can of gasoline) Ready…

ACT II

Scene 1- ( The entire band is boarding their personal jet and rather quickly, at that. In the distance behind them is the hotel they were residing in engulfed in flames. There are sirens sounding in every direction.)

Finger Dish: (watches a roadie chuck their last piece of luggage on while the bodyguards stand outside, waiting to board. A bag of coke falls out of the pocket of the suitcase. He hastily scoops it up into his pocket.) And step on it, Pilot!

(He sits down in a seat and doesn’t notice that the plane closes before the bodyguards board. The plane takes off. Marian and the others are too busy passing around various drugs to look out of the windows and see their bodyguards jumping around and waving wildly at the plane as two police cars pull up. They start running. The police start shooting. The band members get high.)

Marian: (blowing out smoke) No more cans of gasoline for you, Poco. Trashing a couple of ratty old rooms is one thing. Burning down a building is another.

Miss Twiggy: (chugging some whiskey, contentedly) It was still pretty cool, though.

Manson: (smiles) Never said it wasn’t. (he stretches out on the seat, putting one huge shoed foot up on the seat next to him) It sure will be nice to get back to kicking some ass. Especially Jerkowitz’s. And Poop Daddy’s, too, for that matter. I can’t believe the nerve of them. (he pulls out a compact and applies some lipstick)

Poco: We could kill them. I have all the utensils…

Manson: (stares at him mid-"lipsticking") You’re insane.

Finger Dish: It comes with the package, I suppose. We don’t have the last names of serial killers for nothing. (he grins)

Miss Twiggy: DIE, POOP DADDY, DIE! Whiskey and speed. (he flips through a "New Woman" magazine)

John666: (emerges from the back of the plane with a walkman) You think that’s bad? Listen to this… (he hands the walkman and headphones to Marian)

Manson: (puts the earphones on and after a moment his face pales (even more) in terror) NO! NOT THAT! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!! (he charges to the back of the plane, screaming, and disappears behind the curtain)

Miss Twiggy: (wide-eyed) What was all that about?

John666: (picks up the radio and hands the headseat to Miss Twiggy) Have a listen.

Miss Twiggy: (eyes widen even more as he puts the earphones on) SWEET SATAN, NO!

Finger Dish and Poco: WHAT’S WRONG, DAMMIT???

Miss Twiggy: (throwing headphones down in horror) THE CHANSON BROTHERS! THEY’VE DONE A RE-MIX OF… "THE DOPE SHOW"… and it sounds… it sounds… it sounds… (Finger Dish, Poco, and John666 lean forward) it sounds PRETTY!!!!!!!!!

All: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Finger Dish: Those little-rotten-rock-and-roll-wannabe-prissy-pansy-plastic-long-haired-no-good-lousy-sons-of-bitches-pieces-of-crap-sons-of-whores- (continues cursing uncontrollably)

Manson: (emerging from the back of the plane, and does he look pissed! He glares at John666 and stomps toward him) YOU!!! HOW COULD YOU LET ME HEAR THAT??? I’LL KILL YOU!!!

Poco: (chuckles maliciously as he sees John trembling) Uh-oh… NOW you’ve done it!

John666: (scared to death, he drops to his knees, pleading) oh, F***!!! I’m sorry, Marian! DON’T KILL ME!!! (Marian just growls) I… I… I…

Poco: (southern accent) On yo’ KNEES, boy!

(Marian grins mischievously and starts to unzip his pants)

John666: (screams) NO WAY!!! (he jumps up and flees to the bathroom where he locks himself in, cursing like mad)

Manson: (laughs) Well at least the POTENTIALITY of a "holistic massage" put me in a better mood… (the others laugh)

Poco: (elbows Finger Dish playfully) He’ll come out when he runs out of drugs… Else, he’ll drown himself in the toilet.

Manson: (musing) This is not good. Two wannabe’ groups re-mixing our songs, but why? (snaps his fingers) I know!!! (How cliché, right?) Jerkowitz must be behind this!

John666: (from behind the bathroom door) I could have told you that!

Manson: (kicks the door) Shut the hell up, two-thousand flushes blue-boy!

John666: Bite me!!!

Manson: Not unless you return the favor.

(John666 screams. Miss Twiggy looks hopeful. Marian throws something at Miss Twiggy. Before anyone else can respond , the plane begins to buck violently. The band members look at each other quizzically.)

Finger Dish: Man, what the hell was that?

Manson: I don’t know, but I’m about to find out. (He marches toward the front of the plane and rips aside the curtain draping across the very front of the interior of the plane toward the pilot’s room. Before anyone can stop him, the pilot parachutes out through the hatch, laughing at Marian.) Hey! You bastard! (He runs toward the hatch which is open, gushing with wind velocity.) Hey! I Can kill you! I can kill your whole family!!! (he slams the hatch shut.) God DAMN it!

John666: (emerges cautiously from the bathroom) Wh-what’s going on?

(Marian utters a flood of profanity that, again, if written would burn this page.)

Poco: (flips through a small, black book) That is Masonite for… (flips some more) "The pilot evacuated the plane without first announcing any plans to do so to his passengers." (does a double-take) WHAT??!!

Miss Twiggy: WE’RE ALL GONNA’ DIE!!! But I hope that we die holding hands.

Poco: (stares at him) You moron. Does this look like a time to quote songs?

Manson: Well, don’t just stand there! The plane is going to crash! DO SOMETHING!

(They run to the cockpit and stare at the mess of buttons and levers.)

John666: (looks at Marian) And this will accomplish…?

(Marian promptly grabs John666 and ties him to a food cart.)

John666: (starts fuming) Get me off this table, you flaming bastard! (Twiggy shoves an apple in his mouth and John666 mumbles angrily.)

Manson: Thank-you, Twiggy. Now… Does anyone know ANYTHING about flying a plane?

(Poco jumps into the pilot’s chair and grabs the controls. He starts pressing buttons and the plane rights itself to normal altitude.)

Finger Dish: (gestures at Poco) Poco. The man of many talents.

Poco: (grins) You have no idea…

Miss Twiggy: Now what?

Manson: (agitated) Just land this piece of crap! (points) Look, a field. Land it there.

(Poco directs the plane toward the field. It quickly drops in altitude. Too quickly.)

Poco: Oh, shit.

Finger Dish: What do you mean, "Oh, shit"?

Poco: I skipped the chapter in landing planes.

Others: Oh, shit!

Miss Twiggy: THE NERVOUS SYSTEM’S DOWN!!!

(The plane crashes into the field, full force.)

Scene 2

(Lazy Jerkowitz’s home. He’s pacing around anxiously.)

Jerkowitz: Man, where IS he? I’ll bet he didn’t even do it. He’s just as chicken as the rest of this stupid world! Too afraid to displease a "celebrity". Hmmmph! (He paces more and suddenly the phone rings. He dashes to answer it.) Hello? Well, it’s about damned time you called! Well? You did? Did they…? Oh, they’re alive! Where? MISSISSIPPI? (he starts laughing) Oh, this is PERFECT! Yes. Yes, you’ll get your money!!! (he slams the phone down, thinks, then picks it up again) Operator? Can you connect me to the mayor in Mississippi? Yes, I’ll hold…