CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH -- GUTHWULF FAREWELL EDITION

Posted by OZ at 204.170.20.2 on December 17, 1999 at 12:23:30:

OZ: Ho, ho, ho, Deathmatch fans, and welcome to another Celebrity Deathmatch, the only show on the Internet produced in glorious Gore-O-Vision. We're coming to you live from the cozy confines of the Drunken Gargoyle. It's the last Deathmatch of the Millenium, and tonight we're going to fill your stockings with lumps of flesh, and who knows? We might be able to offer you someone's...er....ornaments... to hang on your tree. Here with me to describe tonight's grisly gala is a close personal friend of one of the contestants, King Louis. What is up, Kingo?

Kingo: Ho!

OZ: Excuse me, O Pitiful Paladin. You're the color announcer. You'll have to be a bit more expressive than that.

Kingo: Ho, then. I am pleased to be here with you, my friend. I hope that there will not be any serious injuries tonight, for my goddess Poutine does abhor violence.

OZ: Oh, no, there certainly won't be any violence, I mean, after all, it's only called "Deathmatch." [shouting] Can somebody, anybody, just once, get me someone with a friggin' pulse to work with over here???? Sweet Christ in a Basket.

K: Perhaps, my friend, you should not be taking the Lord's name so, particularly during this holy season.

OZ: Holy season?!?! I'll give you a holy season! You know what I'd like to see? I'd like to see Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Holy Reindeer. With a red bleedin' hole in his forehead, and a red bleedin' hole in his belly, and a red bleedin' hole right up his bloody fat arse. Now THAT'S holy!

K: OZ, my friend, please control yourself. The children...

OZ: Children!?!? You know what I'd like to see happen to those little loudmouth brats...

OZ: I'm OK now. Really. By the way, nice pink dress.

K: Purple.

OZ: Pink. Let's get to tonight's plasmathon, shall we? And here to introduce the combatants in our holiday tag-team spectacular is our special guest ring announcer, the Fat Man himself, the Cat in a Red Hot Suit, Mr. Claus!

Santa: Ho, ho, ho! And what would everyone like for Christmas this year?

Crowd; Blood, gore and guts!!!!

Santa: Ho, ho, ho! I think we can arrange that. And now, let me introduce tonight's blood battlers. Here in the corner to my left, from sunny Californ-I-a, it's Guthwulf Webmaster 3DO.

And in the corner to my right, weighing it at several thousand pounds, coming to you from Hotmail Nation, too numerous to name, it' the Worlds of Might and Magic Board Attack Trolls.

Kingo: There are many members of that team, Weezard. I once was one myself, before I abandoned, er, left that place.

OZ: We're not sure exactly who makes up the members of WOMMBAT, but I'm sure they're obnoxious, semi-literate and generally devoid of meaningful existence.

K: Ho, my friend! Aren't you...?

OZ: And now, on with the match, shall we? Guthwulf is standing in the middle of the ring, looking fairly calm about the whole thing. And the first fighter WOMMBAT sends out is the Evil C., dressed in the most darling green leotard.

K: You know, he is a much younger and stronger man than Guthy. This could be a very short match.

OZ: I don't think so, Pathetic Paladin. I have a feeling that the Lord of the Board can take on all comers. But he's not doing much right now. Just standing there. And Christian charges, with a handful of disks.

K: Oh, Guthwulf, my friend, do not stand there defenselessly. I cannot look.

OZ: Wait a minute! Guthwulf is grabbing the microphone from Santa Claus. He looks like he's going to announce something.

Guthwulf: [clears throat] It's called "Legends of Might and Magic."

Evil C.: [screams] Nooooooooooooo!!!!

Guthwulf: It's online.

Evil C: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!

Guthwulf: It's massively multiplayer.

Evil C: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! Marketing didn't approve this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

OZ: Chris is clearly in agony, and, oh my god. This is a first on Celebrity Deathmatch. Christian is swallowing his own disks, and...ouch...that's got to hurt.

K: The disks are protruding from all parts of his body. They do not digest well.

OZ: No, but I hear they make damn fine coasters. Well, Evil C. has pretty much sliced and diced himself into giblets out at this point, so our crack medical team is sweeping him away. Let's see who's next for the WOMMBATs.

K: It looks like Guthwulf's programming friend, Morticide.

OZ: Guthwulf is really starting to show some emotion now. He looks pretty angry. And it looks like he's going to use that microphone again.

Guth: You! You said "they'll loooove the Community." "They'll looooove the new level names and colors," you said. "There'll be lots of intelligent conversation in the Lobby". "We'll be able to shut those old boards right down," you said. But nooooooooo.......

K: I have not seen Guthwulf quite so angry.

OZ: Wow! Guthwulf is tearing Mort apart with his bare hands! I've never seen anything quite like it. There's blood and flesh everywhere.

K: This is a very visceral experience, ny friend.

OZ: Literally. Somebody get this spleen off my lap, please? Makeup!

K: Isn't this a fine and noble gesture, my friend the wizard? Guthwulf is Mort's eyeballs to some of the children in the audience.

OZ: You never know when you're going to get the gift of body parts here at Celebrity Deathmatch.

K: Do you think it's safe for that young fellow to eat?

OZ: Too late now. And the next member of WOMMBAT to climb in the ring is. Uh, oh. I can't say his name.

K: Why not? Is this one of our fine foreign friends whose name it is difficult for you to pronounce?

OZ: No, but I can't say it.

K: Is this someone....

OZ: Don't you get it, Puissant Paladin? It's him! He....who.....cannot....be....named.

K: This is a fine young man. I personally have great love for him. No one understands him, you see....

OZ: Well, Guthwulf certainly seems to understand him. Do you see what he's doing?

K: He is calling someone from his corner.

OZ: It young RED123, uh..729, uh...666....aw, you know who I mean.

K: And he is introducing RED to J....the other young man. This is too cruel.

Guthwulf: I think you two fine young men will get along just fine. RED, why don't you show Jupiter some of your favorite Internet pranks, and Jupiter will help you with your online social skills.

OZ: I have never seen such cruel torture, and all without a drop of bodily fluids.

K: They are leaving the ring together. This is worse than death. They will suffer much, I think.

Guth: Oh, and boys – look up Gothmog if you get a chance.....

K: A very clever move by Guthwulf, bringing together pimply adolescents with PCs.

OZ: And you know how painful that can be. And who's up next for the WOMMBATS?

K: It looks like your very close and personal friend, Mr. Dharc Pfenix.

OZ: Well, Prosthetic Paladin, you're going to have to call this one. It says right here in my contract I don't have to talk about him.

K: You should be more friendly and tolerant of others, my good Weezard. Although personally, I hope that Guthwulf makes much painful suffering with this one.

Guthwulf: So, Dharc Pfenix. Didn't know you were still a WOMMBAT. I thought you were Lord of the Flies now. No matter. I'm going to do to you what I should have done long ago.

DP: You pitiful excuse for a webmaster. Do you even presume to challenge me? Do you have any idea of what I'm capable? Why, I know where you live. If you're not careful I'll come to your house and...and....and....short-sheet your beds.

Guthwulf: Be gone, before someone drops a SRUP on you.

OZ: You realize what Guthwulf's just done, don't you?

K: I am too stunned too speak. I thought this would never happen.

OZ: He's banned the vile demon hellspawn. And I've never seen the crowd so excited. They're going wild.

K: They should try to be more understanding and tolerant of others.

OZ: Yeah, sure, Kingo. Tell you what. On the next show we'll bring out some little chicks and bunny rabbits and set up a petting zoo, OK.

K: That sounds like a fine thing, my friend.

OZ: Whoa! Looks like WOMMBAT is bringing out the big guns now. It's the President and CEO of 3DO, Tripp Hawkins.

K: He's carrying a very nice empty suit.

OZ: No -- he IS the empty suit. Guthwulf is just smiling at him. Now it's Hawkins going for the microphone.

K: You know, my friend, we could use a little less chat, here. Maybe if someone would say something on point...

Hawkins: Well, Guthwulf, this time dude due girlfriend [PENALIZED] @#Q%## Dude! Dude! L33T HACKERZ@URSINUS. Why, I (girfriend) Dude! Dude! [PENALIZED]. Lawyers! Dude! {PENALIZED] Urp.

Guthwulf: I always wanted to do that.

Hawkins: No! dude due girlfriend [PENALIZED] @#Q%## Dude! Dude! L33T HACKERZ@URSINUS. You can't I (girfriend) Dude! Dude! [PENALIZED]. Dude! {PENALIZED]

Guth: Oh, but I can.

OZ: Allrighty, then. Hawkins in walking off in distress, and the gray matter is leaking from his ears. Looks like he's going to have to clean that suit.

K: I wipe a tear from my eye to see the genius of this man.

OZ: Now the next WOMMBAT warrior is climbing into the ring. Or I should say warriors. There's a whole bunch of them out there.

K: These are many of my friends. I see Bean Cloud, and Toxic Monkey, and Galen, and Maga, and Dentari, and Technopaladin. There's Valiant Fwiffo.

OZ: And there's Bunny S., and Leviathon, and Wacko, and Stonecold, Goofy, Band, Jayce, Rodolf, Your Conscience and Amethyst.

K: Graymantle. KOT. Deciderius. Gjalt. And Peasant with a Large, Curvy Blade Thingy.

OZ: *sniff* It looks like they don't know what they want to do. They're just wandering around the ring, going from one corner to another. They don't look like they want to fight Guthwulf. Their mouths are moving, but nothing's coming out.

K: Guthwulf is shaking his head sadly, and he is taking the microphone again.

Guth: Don't you know? You don't exist. None of you. You're just figments of my imagination. I made you, every last one of you, and I can unmake you.

OZ: Guthwulf is slowly approaching each WOMMBAT, and placing a hand on their head. As he does, each one disappears. Poof! There goes Rodolf.

K: Dentari, he is gone. And Maga. And another, and another. Gone, all gone.

OZ: Now only Bean Cloud and the Monkey are left. And Guthwulf approaches each of them, and they are also gone. There is a hush throughout the Tavern. It's so quiet....

K: You were right, OZ. Guthwulf has outlasted all comers. This is how it should have been. OZ? Where are you? OZ? OZ? *sigh* I guess I'll just sit here by the fire and drink this Enrothian red. Maybe someone will show up. . .