English: He's cleaning his automobile
Chinese: Wa Shing Ka
English: This is a tow away zone
Chinese: No Pah King
English: Is there a fugitive here?
Chinese: Hu Yu Hai Ding?
English: Small Horse
Chinese: Tai Ni Po Ni
English: Your price is too high!!!
Chinese: No Bai Nut Ding!!!
English: Did you go to the beach
Chinese: Wai Yu So Tan?
English: I bumped into a coffee table
Chinese: Ai Bang Mai Ni
English: It's very dark in here
Chinese: Wai So Dim?
English: Has your flight been delayed?
Chinese: Hao Long Wei Ting?
English: I thought you were on a diet?
Chinese: Wai Yu Mun Ching?
English: They have arrived
Chinese: Hai Dei Kum
English: Your body odor is offensive
Chinese: Yu Stin Ki Pu
English: You know lyrics to the Macarena?
Chinese: Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
English: I got this for free
Chinese: Ai No Pei
English: Stay out of sight
Chinese: Lei Lo
English: Phew! Does this bathroom stink!
Chinese: Hu Flung Dung?
The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch."
An Englishman and a Texan are at lunch, in England.
The Texan says, "In Texas, we grow potatoes eight inches across!"
The Englishman says, "In England, we grow them to fit English mouths."
There was a ventriloquist talking to Bob the farmer one day when he decided to have some fun with the farmer. He asks the farmer if the horses can talk.
The farmer replies, "No, no, horses can't talk".
The ventriloquist throws his voice over the horses and says, "Bob is a bad farmer. He whips us and doesn't feed us. He's a bad farmer."
Bob looks surprised and says "I didn't know horses could talk!"
The ventriloquist then sees a dog and asks, "Can the dog talk?"
Bob replies, "No dogs can't talk."
The ventriloquist throws his voice to the dog and says, "Bob is a bad farmer. He makes me hunt his food, doesn't feed me any, and kicks me all the time."
Bob again looks surprised and says " I didn't know that dogs could talk!"
This time the ventriloquist asks if the sheep can talk.
Bob says "Sheep lie!"
Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"
"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."
"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"
"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.
"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow. "My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"
"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"
A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up in the woods and scratched your butt and felt Vaseline, would you tell anyone?"
"Hell no!" the guy said.
The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?"
The man said, "Of course not."
The stranger said, "Wanna go camping?"
1. We're not as big of perverts as you think we all are.
2. No matter what you say, your ex-boyfriend IS an ass.
3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses too.
4. Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.
5. Don't treat us like shit.
6. We know you're pretty, that's one of the reason's we're going out with you.
7. Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us.
8. If you have cramps and we ask you what's wrong, just say it's that time of the month and nothing more.
9. If you really liked us for us, you would let us think that our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.
10. We'll never shave our legs. So get over it.
11. NEVER ask us if you can put make up on us. It's just wrong.
12. Don't make bets about us, because one of your friends will tell us, if you don't.
13. When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us.
14. We absolutely do not care about, The Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, 98 degrees, or what any other guy looks like for that matter.
15. We may not be able to pee accurately all of the time, but at least we can stand up and pee.
16. Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean you don't have to apologize when you're wrong.
17. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while.
18. We can't always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.
19. Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might get what you wish for.
20. Never kick us in the nuts "just to see what we'd say."
21. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.
22. Pamela Anderson's boobs aren't fake anymore, but we like yours better anyway.
23. Size doesn't matter, except to idiots who don't want a relationship.
24. PMS is not an excuse.
25. If you want us to put the seat down when we're done, you should put it up when you're done.
26. Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn't turn us on.
27. Always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach...and maybe...oh nevermind.
28. NEVER ask us to kiss other guys. You might be that comfy with your friends, but to us its just wrong.
29. We always notice how funny it is after your rip out our heart, stick it down our throat, and still want to be friends.
30. And last but not least: We know you're not always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway.
A new priest at his first Mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.After Mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I puta glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, & the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his Donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Mortal: "How long is a million years to you?"
God: "About a second."
Mortal: "How much is a million dollars to you?"
God: "Approximately a penny."
Mortal: "Can I have a penny?"
God: "Just a second..."