§Miscellaneous§

1.Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your willie in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)

6. Wash your face

7. Wash your armpits

8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.

10.Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.

11.Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)

12.Make a shampoo Mohawk.

13 Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

14.Pee (in the shower)

15.Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time.

16.Partially dry off.

17.Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire willie size.

18.Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

19.Leave bathroom and fan light on.

20.Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your willie, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.

21.Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in ananimated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine." retorted the lady. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who'sa talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my friend how to spella 'Mississippi'."

Let's take a look at what you are asking for:

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

I am constantly tired, and constantly stressed. For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of Canada is 33 million. 15 million are retired. That leaves 18 million to do the work. There are 11 million in school, which leaves 7 million to do the work. Of this there are 4.5 million employed by the federal government, leaving 2.5 million to do the work. 500 thousand are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 1,100,000 people who work for provincial and city governments and that leaves 900,000 to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 712,000 to do the work. Now, there are 711,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.... And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman is confused. "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"

"Well, it means your baby has the...er... features... of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?"

ACURA:

AUDI:

BMW:

Bought My Wife

Brings Me Women

Brings More Women but Broke My Wallet

CHEVROLET:

DODGE:

Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

Dead On the Day Guarantee Expires

FIAT:

FORD:

GM:

Garbage Motors

Gluteus Maximus

HONDA:

HYUNDAI:

MOPAR:

Many Odd Parts Arranged Randomly

Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously

SAAB:

SUBARU:

TOYOTA:

VOLVO:

PORSCHE:

Ok, I'm the only female in a house full of guys: 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat never down, etc - you get the picture. Therefore, I'm the only one who would be using Female products, correct? A strange thing was happening at my house: tampons were disappearing.

*insert Twilight Zone theme*

It started a few months ago, when I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon and there was only one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it.

The next month (that time of month), I go back to the cupboard and viola! there is only one tampon left, again! What is going on here? Gremlins? Total memory failure? I go to the store, buy another box and try to chalk it up to forgetfulness, but am really wondering, now.

Later in the month, I decide to clean out my two youngest sons' closet and, Low and Behold! At the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators, and the tampons themselves!

Now I am starting to freak. Dear God, what are they doing with them?!! I get hold of myself, tell myself that "I am an Adult" and can handle this-despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. Wondering, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?" I go to the stairs and yell to my two youngest sons to "Come Here RIGHT NOW!!!"

With their usual lack of speed, they finally appear in their room to find me staring into the bottom of their closet. I firmly, but with control, ask, "What are you doing with THOSE? Those are MINE!"

My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent. My 10 year old looks at me, all innocent, and says, "Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and THOSE make really good SCUD missiles. What do YOU use them for?"

"NEVER MIND...GO PLAY!!!!"

What's the definition of a bachelor ?

A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?"

The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK then, come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a damn Chihuahua??

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing. A group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. Little Johnny stopped, looked at his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress so funny?"

He told Johnny he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.

Little Johnny pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it off and handed it to Little Johnny, to show it to him. On the back there were little raised letters. Little Johnny felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes I do," said Little Johnny, who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months."

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?

Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.