**Kayci**
“Wow,” I said after Jessica finished her story. The first thought that crossed my mind was that I hoped that he wasn't this bad because of the way we had fought before he left. The way Jess had explained things Nick was in terrible shape. If he couldn't even confide in Brian, something was really wrong. But why did I have to be the one to get through to him? If Nick walked through that door again, would we be able to have a civil conversation at least? Just then, Nick and A.J. walked through the door. Nick walked right up to me, with red eyes, and took my hand. I thought I was going to faint. His touch sent chills throughout my body.
He leaned over close to my ear. “Can we talk in your room?” he asked.
I was so powerless against his breath on me that I nodded my head. He led me into my room, shut the door, and locked it. “Nick, what's going on? Is it us?”
“No,” he said in a whisper and let go of my hand. “It's me.”
I sat down on my bed and patted the spot next to me. “Please, sit.” He did. All of his movements reeked of depression. “Nick, you can trust me.”
“I know.”
“Talk to me!” I was getting even more worried as each second passed. I stared at him intently. He had deep, dark circles underneath his eyes and his skin was paler than I had ever seen it. His eyes looked tired and his hands looked weak. “Nick?”
**Nick**
I could only look at her. I tried to form words. I tried to push up my breath but it choked in my throat. I wanted to tell her everything that had been happening, so badly. I feel like I have no one else to turn to. All of a sudden I heard her gasp. “What?” I asked. Oh no! Oh shit. I looked down and saw that she had lifted up my shirtsleeve.
“Nick? Oh my God. What happened to you? Did you get in a fight?”
I looked into her eyes and knew that I couldn't lie to her. “Well, A.J. grabbed my arm.” I looked down at my hands in my lap.
“Nick, hello! Did he have a death hold on you for a couple of hours?”
I started to twiddle my fingers and I mumbled something. I'm not even sure what I said but then I felt her touch on my face. It made me look up and I saw in her eyes, hurt and pain and worry. Hadn't I hurt her enough already?
“Nick, God damn it! What is wrong?” She just looked at me and rested her hand on my face. Quietly, she said, “Nick, please, tell me how you feel. I want to know how you feel.”
“I...I-” How was I going to start to tell her how I really felt? How could I tell her that I felt worthless, useless, ugly, terrible-
“Nick. Okay, take a deep breath. Just start from the beginning.”
I grabbed her hand. I couldn't do anything else. Okay, I should just tell her how I feel. But why would she care? After all those times she made fun of me- “Kayci, I'm just gonna come out and say it. I hate myself. And…I have a problem.”
“Why? Did you do something wrong?”
“Kayci it's just…I have a weight problem.”
Kayci paused and then a smiled formed on her face and she snickered. “Nick, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! You are so not fat! I can't believe that you would say something like that.”
“It's true.”
Kayci shook her head and laughed. “No it's not. So, what's your problem?”
I sighed. I had come this far. I should just tell her the rest. “Kayci, I...” I can't. I can't!
**Kayci**
I looked at Nick as he stuttered to tell me about his problem. But he stopped and tears started streaming down his face. Now what? Oh my God, what is wrong with him? I gently took his head and pulled him down to my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around him as his sobs became louder and louder until they were unbearable for me to listen to. “Nick?” I asked. “Please, finish your sentence.”
“I can't,” he finally said.
“What?”
He pushed his head deeper into my neck and mumbled again, “Just, Kay, not now. Please just give me some time.”
I slowly nodded my head. “Um, okay. It's okay, Nicky.” I slowly drew my shoulder away and he looked up at me. I felt a deep stabbing pain through my heart as I wiped the tears from his face with my fingers. God, it hurt me so bad to see him like this. I had never seen him really cry before and it was terrible. Thank God I've never seen him cry before. I can't believe that I can't help him- “I love you.” I shook my head. What the hell did I just say?
I saw Nick grin at me. “I love you, too.” But his grin faded and sadness overtook him again.
I stood up and looked at his face. “I think we should just order some pizza for dinner.” I laughed and patted my stomach sarcastically. “I'm hungry!” I saw Nick's face go from sadness to worry. “I'll be in the living room.”
He only nodded but stopped me. “Wait.”
I turned around hopefully. Now would he open up to me? “Yes?”
“Please, you have to make this solemn promise to me. This is my problem. And if you want, this could become our problem. And that's all it can be. Our problem. No one else’s'.”
I nodded and crossed my heart and slowly, I stepped out of my room. I leaned my head against the door and let a tear fall from my eye. I walked into the living room and Brian and Jessie stood up quickly.
“Well?” Brian asked.
I couldn't tell them. Anything. Nick was so right. This is our problem, and even if I'm not a part of it now, I am going to make sure that I am soon enough. I will get him through this. I have to. “Oh, nothing Brian. Guys, he wouldn't tell me anything.”
Brian and Jessica slouched down on the couch. “Damn it,” Brian said. “I am so fucking worried about him. Jeez.”
Well, great. I was with Brian. I felt terrible about keeping this stuff from him and my sister. But what else could I do?
**Nick**
As I sat there on Kayci's bed, I felt really...distraught...really helpless...powerless against the forces that were driving me to insanity. I dragged my ass up and I slumped down to the living room. I peered around the corner and saw Brian, Jessica, Kevin and ah...my Kayci...I mean, Kayci, laughing on the couch eating a pizza. Oh God. Great. Well Nicky old boy, time to put those acting lessons into action. I sighed and walked into the room with a huge smile on my face. It hurt. It was fake.
“Hey, Honey,” Kayci said. Hello! She called me Honey! My smile went from fake, to genuine. It had been a long time since we had called each other affectionate names and it felt good. It was a real self-esteem booster but as soon as I sat down next to her, Kevin shoved a slice of pizza in my face. “No, that's okay. I'm not hungry,” I said. I could feel the inside of my mouth watering over. I couldn't remember the last time I had pizza. I followed it intently with my eyes.
“Nicky not hungry? I don't think so!” Brian said and laughed.
I didn't know what to do. I wanted to scream: Brian, I'm extremely hungry you dickhead! But I couldn't. I couldn't give anything away. I turned and looked at Kayci. The worry in her eyes broke my heart all over again. I reached up and shoved Kevin's hand away. “Look, I said I wasn't hungry!” I was aware of the increasing volume in my voice. I stood up. “Kayci, can I borrow your room? I need to lie down.”
She nodded. “Of course you can.”
I leaned down and kissed her cheek. God, control yourself Nicky. I just wanted to take her in my arms once again and kiss her until the end of time. But, I dragged myself away and crashed on her bed.