She shuffled across the floor shoeless, searching for her robe in the dark. She didn't trust herself enough to go back to sleep. Sykes might be there, saying those things again, those words that re-played through her mind even when she was awake. Things like, "you're mine" or "shut the fuck up" or "how does it feel."

The nightmares were never going to go away completely. There might be a night or two of relief, rarely were there more than three, strung together of peacefulness. Todd had taught her that. "It never goes away Delgado. Some nights are better than others; some nights will make you wish you were dead. You just gotta find what it is that helps you sleep and you gotta hold onto that." Little did he know that he was the one that helped her sleep.

Tea made her way into the bathroom, switched on the light and splashed cold water onto her face. It worked for her sometimes, others, she wasn't so lucky. It was one such night, one where she would have to find something to keep herself awake. Anything to keep from falling back into that dark place that Sykes occupied.

On such nights, sometimes she would go downstairs, into the living room and throw herself deep into a good book. Sometimes, it was easier to pick up the journal that she kept next to her bed and write about that night. Carol told her to write about her experiences, that way, everything was out in the open for her and she didn't have to worry about those hidden demons coming to haunt her. Maybe if she got it all down on paper, there would be no surprises at night.

At first, she thought the idea of keeping a journal was rather dumb. It was nothing but a bunch of words on a piece of paper, words that were inside of her to begin with. What good would writing them down do anyone? Once she started, she couldn't seem to stop writing about those feelings. There were many things about the rape in her journal, but there were also other things. Little things, observations about life or simple events that occurred that day. Soon, she found herself writing in it every single day, maybe only a sentence or two, maybe several pages.

She grabbed her journal from the side of her bed and carried it with her as she walked quietly down the hall. She took her time making her way down the winding stairs into the kitchen. Her eyes widened in surprise when she saw Todd sitting at the table with a plate full of cookie crumbs and a half gallon container of white milk in front of him. She took the opportunity to stare at him from the stairway. It had been quite some time since she had last done that without feeling the slightest bit repulsed. The repulsion didn't come from the way he looked, it was the way she looked at all men; they were the enemy. Her spirits rose with that realization; there was not feeling of his being the enemy.

"I didn't know you were up," Tea said, making her presence known.

Todd looked up at her, wiping the excess crumbs from his mouth. "Couldn't sleep. You?"

"The same. Did you save any of those cookies for me or were you being a hog?" she joked, playfully grabbing at the cookie he held in his hand.

"You know me. I don't share." He stuffed the last cookie in his mouth, washed it down with a big swig of milk and placed his dish in the sink. When he came back to the table, he carried with him a Ziploc baggie full of homemade chocolate chip cookies. "Here," he said, shoving the bag toward Tea, "only if Viki asks, you're the one who ate 'em all 'cause she won't get mad at you."

"Wow, Todd Manning, sharing? That's got to be a first."

"Don't get used to it." He looked into her eyes the way he always did, trying to judge her mood. "So, why couldn't you sleep?"

"Dreams, I guess. It's one of the bad nights."

"Want me to hang out in the hallway tonight?"

The weird thing about what Tea was feeling was that she didn't want him to sleep outside her bedroom; she wanted him inside, lying next to her. It wasn't so she'd feel safer either; it was so she could be with him. It had been a gradual thing, from hand holding, to hugging to a kiss every now and then. She wasn't ready to give herself completely, but she was ready to take another baby step toward her recovery.

It had been eight months already and she'd progressed from never thinking she could be intimate with any man, to knowing one day the time would come when she would feel alright. Carol warned her it would happen like that, when she would take giant steps at times, tinny steps other times, and still there would be times when she would move backwards.

As she looked across the table at him, she knew it was time for them to leave Llanfair and work on finding a house for them, moving forward to a life together. Unconsciously, her lips turned upwards at the thought she would finally have a home to call her own.

"What's wrong with you?" Todd asked, noticing her smile for the first time. He liked it when she smiled; it was from a place if deep sincerity, a place that was very close to her soul.

"Maybe I'm smiling because I'm sitting here, in the middle of the night, having milk and cookies," she pointed at the milk container, "you done with that?" He wordlessly slid it closer to her where she took a large sip straight from the container. "Thanks."

"Oh, I think I'm rubbing off on you. Don't let Viki see you acting so uncivilized."

"I'll just say that you're rubbing off on me," she joked.

It was silent for a few minutes. They stole glances at each other, tip-toeing around issues that could be too painful. They both wanted the easiness they had between them that night to last. There was a certain natural and carefreeness that was in the air that had been absent for months. The air radiated the comfort that couples that had been together forever had between them, closeness.

"I've been doing some thinking," Tea began.

"Uh oh, that's dangerous."

"You know you love me for my mind Manning, so stop making fun."

She smiled and god how he loved that smile. It lit up everything around her, it seemed as if she were surrounded by magical "angel lighting." Made him smile too, "okay, go ahead."

"As I was saying, I've been doing some thinking. I love staying here, at Llanfair, but it's not really home. Viki is wonderful and so are Jess and Joey, but we need our own space, so I was thinking, maybe it's time for us to start looking for a house or something."

"You sure you're ready for that? I mean, I'm ready but I don't want you to rush or anything."

Tea looked up at Todd, touched by his concern for her. The truth was if she stayed there any longer than was absolutely necessary, she was going to lose her mind. She felt a little like an invalid, depending on others to watch over on her. Though she appreciated Viki's kindness, it was time to move on. "I'm more than ready."

"Okay. Well, I guess I'll call the real estate agent and see what she can find."

*****

Tea was walking around the grounds, leaving Todd and Viki in the house by themselves. They hadn't spoken, really talked, in quite some time. She was always running to some conference or another, or just at the Banner. Tea said they needed to spend time together; he needed to tell her they were going to be moving out soon.

He had cornered her earlier that morning, asking if she could "pencil him in" for a lunch date. She automatically assumed that it was urgent because he never really wanted to spend time with anyone other than Tea.

"So, my dear brother, to what do I owe this lovely invitation?" Viki asked, setting her plate with the peanut butter and jelly sandwich that Todd made, resting on the table in front of her. "I see you spared no expense on the caterer."

"I figured, you know, you've been working so hard an all, you need a home cooked meal."

"That's so thoughtful of you. So what's going on?"

"Nothin'."

"Nothin'," she mimicked, making a face.

A grin almost crossed his lips but he caught it before it could make its presence known. He'd never admit how much he loved her, especially to her. He'd forgotten how much he missed that friendly banter and mock angriness. "How are you doin'? We haven't talked in a long time."

"Todd, don't tell me that you miss my lectures as you call them?"

"I didn't say that."

"And it can't be that you miss talking to me because even when you do talk, you don't say much."

"Naw, I don't miss any of that, Tea's making me talk to you. I don't know, said something about wanting to move out into our own place or whatever." Todd's voice stayed even as he pretended that he really didn't care. Viki knew the deal; she saw it in his eyes.

"I think that's wonderful. Do you need a real estate agent?"

"Well, if you got one, we'll take him-"

"Her."

"Oh great, outnumbered by women."

Viki took another bite of her sandwich, shaking her head at Todd. He was doing better than he ever had. Therapy must've been doing him some good, even though it was Tea's therapist that he had spoken with. Surprised would not begin to describe what she felt when she discovered he was not only taking Tea to her sessions, but joining in as well. They had both come such a long way because of the tragedy, and they had traveled that long road together. She even took notice of his not licking the knife between scoops of peanut butter and jelly. That was no doubt Tea's influence. "Do you know what kind of house you want? Do you want another penthouse?"

Todd shrugged his shoulders. "Whatever Tea wants is fine with me." He watched Viki for a long time, not saying anything. Viki was used to it, so she waited patiently until he was ready to speak. Startling both of them, he jumped up from his chair, walked over to the counter and sat on top of that. His long legs swung beneath him, kicking the cupboard rhythmically. "Do you think she's ready to leave here? What am I going to do if, you know, she starts regressing, or whatever and she doesn't want me around?"

"Then you give her what she needs and if that need is space, you give that to her too." She walked over to him and took his hands into hers, which he automatically tried to snatch back from her but she held firm. "Todd, you're doing all the right things for her now. Just keep doing what you're doing, and be there to love her. It'll get easier with each day. I promise you that."

Uncharacteristically he pulled her in for a hug. "Thanks sis."

"You're welcome." She stepped back and clapped his cheeks with the palms of her hands. "Now, how are you?"

"Doesn't matter."

"Oh yes it does."

Todd as usual hopped, off the counter and started moving around nervously. He took Viki's plate from the table and rinsed it off in the sink.

"Todd?"

"I'm fine. I'm fine. Now can we end this stupid conversation? Give me that lady's number and I'll call her and we'll get outta your hair."

*****

Todd walked around the grounds, looking for Tea. He knew that's where he would find her around dusk, at the gazebo, staring off into space or at the roses or whatever she found so fascinating out there. She said something about liking the sound of nature when it was starting to settle down for the night, whatever that meant.

He stood back, away from her, looking at her profile from the edge of the garden. In the shadows, with the orange glow of the setting sun surrounding her, she was something from a dream he had as a child. A recurring dream he used to have and his Angel standing in an ocean of light, beaming at him, in love with him. She turned to him, smiling that smile of hers and extended her hand toward him.

"Come on," she said.

He had no choice but to go to her and take her hand in his. "You really like this, huh?"

"I love this," she said, turning to him, "and I love you, so much."

He closed his eyes and stood behind her. He wanted to wrap his arms around her, rest his head against hers and revel in her essence. He held back and she sensed it, so she took the initiative and reached for his arms and wrapped them around her and swayed her body to the beat of nature.

"You okay with this?"

"I am so okay with this."

The continued that way until long after the sun had disappeared for the night. She pulled away first and leaned her body against the side of gazebo, looking directly in his eyes. "How was lunch with Viki?"

"Okay. You know, she wanted to talk about this and that; she loves to babble. Um, I called her real estate agent and she sent over some pictures for you to look at."

"Don't you mean for us to look at?"

"Naw, I don't care about that junk. Whatever you want is fine with me. I trust you."

"You do?"

"Yeah, well, as much as I can trust anyone." He had several photographs of houses that the realtor sent over earlier in the day. It was why he went looking for her, in addition to missing her presence. He had them tucked in the inside pocket of his jacket, not really sure if he should show her. He still doubted that this was something that was good for her and in turn good for them. She seemed so happy at the thought of having their own place that he took them out of his pocket and thrust them in her direction. "Here."

"What's this?" She asked the question, already knowing what they were. One by one she flipped through the pictures, looking at some longer than others.

"What's it look like, Delgado?" he joked. At the same time, he kept a close eye on her. He wanted to know which house she liked most so that he could agree and buy it without risking an argument.

"Shut up." She came to one picture she gazed at longer than the others. It was a ranch style home, four bedrooms, four baths, a study, large kitchen, stables, a basketball court and a three-car garage. She stared at it for a long time. Checking out the little details of the picture. Things like whether it had a picket fence and if the porch swing was white wood and if the driveway was gravel. A gravel driveway was something she always wanted. There was something about the sound of a car driving up at sunset and the sound of the tiny pebbles as they are crushed beneath the weight of the vehicle.

"I don't know about you, but this one seems pretty cool. I kinda dig the swing," Todd said, smiling at her.

"You do?"

"Yeah. You like it?"

"I LOVE IT!" She threw her arms around his neck and nuzzled his neck.

Todd clung to her and smiled to himself. She was so happy; the first time in months it appeared that things were normal between them. God how he loved her smile and the feel of her arms around him. He could have stayed that way forever, wrapped in her arms because it was the only place in the world that felt like home to him. And there they were, getting ready to buy a new home when he was already there.

"You sure there's nothing else in here that caught your attention?" she asked, her smile growing to concern.

"Nope, that's the one."

*****

They wanted to look at the house that night but the real estate agent told them it was impossible. With a grunt of frustration, Todd had to accept the fact that they would have to wait another twenty-four hours before seeing their dream home.

It didn't faze Tea at all. Without even seeing the inside, she knew it was the house she had always dreamed of and it was actually within reach. Most importantly, she would share that home with the man who had been with her through hell and back. It was a great feeling and after months of agony, frustration, tears and anger, things were coming together.

Tea explained all of this when she burst through Carol's door with a huge smile on her face. Carol was just as excited as Tea rambled on about her childhood dream and finally getting there. Finally getting there after her horrible ordeal.

It was Carol's job, no matter how much she may have hated it, to bring her back down to earth and lay everything out on the line for her. Yes, the reality was that Tea was extremely blessed to have someone like Todd in her life. It was also a reality that she would have good and bad days for quite some time and how would she deal with those bad days if she looked into Todd's eyes and saw the enemy? All men, at one point or another, were the enemy and would be again.

Another reality was Todd's past; his fears of hurting her through making love with her, as well as his past as a rapist. In her many sessions with Tea, Todd and the two of them together, she grew to understand the love that they shared. Easy it was not, but she saw that to the two of them, it was the greatest thing in the world. The way he spoke of her and looked at her helped her to understand the depth of the bond. Quite possibly, she was a little envious of that love.

She looked across her desk at Tea who was positively glowing and beaming. "Tea where are you at right now?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean physically? How are you feeling about taking that next step with Todd? You know, if you do take this step with him, it's only a matter of time before natural progression dictates you take another big step."

Tea knew that was coming. She also knew about the natural progression and honestly didn't know if she was ready. The waters would have to be tested, that was for sure and Todd would let her dictate the pace. Sometimes, she thought she was ready and then she would think about what he went through as a child and how he couldn't be intimate with her. He could only go so far before shutting down and maybe she was destined to be the same way.

"Tea? I'm not saying your decision is right or wrong, I just want you to think about the big picture."

"No, I know that. I love him and I trust that he would never do anything to hurt me. You don't know how wonderful he's been these past few months, giving me space and coming to me whenever I needed." Tea ran her fingers through her hair, sighed and closed her eyes for a moment. "I've always wanted to make love to him. From the first moment I saw him I wanted him. Isn't it ironic how I might be the one standing in our way now?" she chuckled.

"There's nothing wrong with putting off this decision."

"No, I want this. Carol, if I can't handle making love with him, we'll deal with it. I have to move forward, at least try to move forward. Baby steps right?"

Carol smiled, remembering her words to Tea awhile back. "Yeah, baby steps. For what it's worth, I am so proud of you right now and I honestly think you're making the right decision."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. Now, how is that man of yours? Is he out in the lobby pacing around?"

"He's around here somewhere. We have a friend that works here and I think Todd probably went to see him." Tea paused, considering the doctor/patient confidentiality that prohibited Carol from talking about Todd. Then again, technically, Carol wasn't Todd's doctor. "How's Todd doing? Do you think I'm moving too fast for him?"

"Off the record, that man has been ready for you for a long time. He adores you and he loves you. I think he'd follow you wherever you wanted and do whatever you needed. Is he ready for the next step? I think he's come a long way and that's really all I can say. Only the two of you will know for sure when the time is right."

"Thanks," Tea said, grinning and gathering her things. "Well, speaking of Todd, I have to meet him so we can have a look at the house." She paused before leaving, walked back over to Carol and embraced her. "Thank you so much for everything you've done. See you next week." With that, she turned and left Carol with a huge smile on her face.