She heard Starr's voice yell out, "I'll get it Mommy." Téa's heart leapt with joy at the voice of the child whom she considered her little girl too. She heard Blair's footsteps and her voice saying, "Sweetie, you know you're supposed to ask who is it, first."
"Who is it?" Téa heard Starr's voice call out.
"It's Téa," she answered. The door quickly opened and before she knew it Starr had jumped into her arms.
"Tee! Tee! I thought I'd never see you again."
Téa loved hearing Starr pronounce her name as Tee, the same way Timmy did. Téa and Blair exchanged looks. Blair's eyes said she was sorry for ever having made Starr feel that way and Téa's said, "it's okay, I'm here now."
After a minute Téa rested Starr down on her feet and knelt down to her. "Mi estrella, I have missed you so much. Look at how big you've gotten!"
"When Mommy measured me the other day she said I grew two whole inches."
"I see! You are such a young lady now," Téa complimented. She stroked Starr's head.
"Tee, I have a tea party set up in the living room. Would you like to come? I'll set a place just for you."
Téa was so happy that Starr was not so grown up that she no longer had an interest in her famous tea parties. "Well, thank you, Miss Manning. I would love to attend. You always throw the best tea parties," Téa played along. They all walked into the living room. Téa saw the other guests were a couple of stuffed animals and Fred the Frog. She held back the tears she felt stinging her eyes.
"I have some things to do upstairs. I will leave you two down here for a nice visit," Blair told them and headed upstairs. Starr didn't know that a voice-activated tape recorder had been left hiding behind a plant.
Téa sat on the floor in front of the coffee table as Starr did the honors. "The tea is really apple juice, but the cookies are Daddy's favorite," Starr informed her.
Téa's heart quickened. She wondered if Starr was going to ask about Todd. "I love these kind of cookies and I love apple juice and I love you," Téa told her.
Starr looked down and then she looked up at Téa with tears in her eyes. "How come you left and didn't come back for such a long time? Did you stop liking me?"
Téa couldn't help it. Tears spilled down her cheeks. She pulled herself away from the table and sat facing Starr and held her arms open. Starr rushed into them. "Mi estrella. Mi estrella. I love you so much, just as if you were my own little girl. I will never stop liking or loving you. I missed you with all my heart. It was . . ." Téa had rehearsed for this moment and now she felt tongue-tied.
"Mommy says that she told you not to come because she wanted her and me and Daddy to be a family again."
"Starr, I understand that Blair and Daddy are your parents. I will never try to take your mommy's place. That doesn't mean I don't love you. I love you with all my heart."
"Mommy told me, but I thought she just didn't want me to have hurt feelings," Starr explained sadly.
'My God! She is so much like Todd,' Téa thought. She looked into Starr's eyes and saw the innocent eyes of the children alters staring back at her. "You are so much like your daddy. Do you know that?"
Starr smiled. "Mommy tells me that all the time. I love being like Daddy. When I grow up I'm gonna be real smart like Daddy and run a whole newspaper like Mommy and Daddy and I'm gonna be a lawyer like you, and a ballerina and a doctor so I can make Daddy all better."
Téa hugged her tightly. "You can do it all, Starr. You can be anything you want to be. You are smart and talented and beautiful. You have so many people who love you. Aunt Viki and Sam told me to tell you how much they love you and to give you this. . . ." Téa kissed Starr's right cheek. "And this. . . ." she kissed Starr's left cheek as well.
"I love them too," Starr declared. She seemed to be waiting for something else. Téa knew what it was. She gave Starr a big kiss on the forehead and hugged her as tightly as she could. "That is from your daddy. He loves you, Starr. He loves you more than anyone or anything on the face of the Earth. He thinks about you all the time."
Starr smiled for a moment and then sadness washed over her little face. "My daddy is real sick, isn't he?"
Téa took a deep breath. "Yes, he is, but he's getting better. He's getting new medicine and his doctor says it may make him feel a whole lot better."
"Really! Daddy's gonna get better quicker?"
"We hope so. Starr, the doctors are trying very hard to get your daddy better. Everyone at the hospital cares very much about your daddy. They all take very good care of him and treat him very nicely. Aunt Viki and Sam and I and your mommy all come to see him and help him. Aunt Viki and Sam stay there with him all the time. Your daddy is never alone. He is safe and protected."
"So his bad daddy can't hurt him?"
Starr's question surprised Téa. "Starr, Daddy's father can never hurt him again."
Starr put her arms around Téa's waist and rested her head against her chest. Téa held her close. "I want to go see Daddy so real bad. I'm not allowed where Daddy is. Daddy don't want me to see him sick."
"I'm sorry, Starr. Honey, that's true." Téa lifted Starr's face up. "But, you know what?" Starr shook her head. "Your daddy knows that you want to see him and he knows that you are not allowed to. Your daddy is trying very hard to get better and stronger so he can go to a different part of the hospital where you can see him and then eventually he can come home to you."
Starr wanted to tell Téa the secret. That her daddy might be coming home real soon to get better and stronger, but she had promised her mommy not to. "Does Aunt Viki still love me a whole lot?" Starr held out her arms wide.
"Yes she does . . . very much. I told you Aunt Viki misses you this much." Téa held out her arms as wide as they could go.
"Nobody comes to see me anymore," Starr sadly admitted.
Téa stroked her head. "Aunt Viki wants to come and so does Sam. Starr, I know you're a big girl now and you'll understand this. Aunt Viki and Sam are afraid that when your daddy wakes up and sees they're not there he will think the same thing that you do . . . that they don't love him anymore. So, they stay with him at the hospital . . ."
"So Daddy won't get scared and think he's all alone in a strange place." Starr finished what Téa had started.
Téa stroked Starr's cheek. "You are as smart as your daddy. Oh, Starr. Your daddy is so proud of you and so is your mommy and so am I. You are a blessing to all of us."
Starr smiled and stayed in Téa's arms for a while. She wanted to hold on to Téa forever. Having Téa in the penthouse reminded her of when her daddy was there. Starr loved Blair so much. Nevertheless, she longed for the days when she lived there with Téa and Todd. Often, Starr would close her eyes and pretend she heard her daddy calling to her. Sometimes she would sneak into Todd's room and stand in his closet and press her face into his clothes because they still carried his fragrance. She would put her tiny feet into his shoes and her small hands into his gloves. She once found this tiny little book Todd used to read, caught in the sofa cushions. She took it to her room and hid it in her closet. When she was alone she would take it out and kiss it and press it to her heart with the palm of her hand. More than anything in this world Starr wanted to be with her daddy.
"Tee, do you remember the time you and me and Daddy took a really long car ride and you and me had ice cream?"
Téa knew she was talking about the time Todd tried to run off to Canada. "Yes, I remember." Téa wondered that if she had not called Sam and forced Todd to flee, with Starr, back to Llanview if perhaps he would not be as sick as he is right now. Téa was often tortured with the thought, 'Maybe if I had just trusted him enough we would be living in Canada right now, as a happy family'. In her head, Téa knew that wouldn't have been possible. Todd was already seriously ill and had been most of his life, but he was still able to keep it together. In her heart, Téa wondered if her love and Starr's love would have been enough to keep Todd going and give him some semblance of happiness for the rest of his life. 'If only I hadn't made that phone call,' Téa thought to herself.
"Tee?"
"I'm sorry, honey. I was just thinking about that car trip you mentioned."
"Yeah. Daddy wasn't sick back then. He was just mad at everyone," Starr remarked.
Téa smiled. Then she remembered. "Starr, do you still like presents?" Téa teased.
"I love presents!" Starr proclaimed. She was excited.
Téa reached over for her handbag and pulled out the small box. "When I was a little girl, just seven years old, my papi gave this to me. It has always meant a lot to me and that is why I want you to have it. You mean everything to me, Starr. I always wanted a little girl to pass it down to."
Starr opened the box and gazed at the tiny ring with the little pink and white stone. "Tee! A ring! A real grown up ring. I can really keep it?"
"Yes, mi estrella. It's yours now. Maybe someday you will have a little girl and you can give it to her." Starr took the ring out of the box and held it up and looked at it. "It goes on this finger." Téa took the ring and picked up Starr's right hand and placed it on her diminutive ring finger.
Starr held it up and looked at it. "It's the best present I ever got, next to Fred the Frog. Thank you, Tee." Starr threw her arms around Téa's neck and hugged her tightly.
"When my papi gave me this ring he told me I was his beautiful little girl. So, since I think of you as my beautiful little girl, I want you to have it."
Starr climbed on Téa's lap. "Was your daddy nice you?"
"Yes, he was very nice to me," Téa responded.
"Did he love you?" Starr continued to probe.
"He loved me very much." Téa smiled at the memory.
Starr's eyes became sad again. "I used to think all daddies love their children a whole lot, like Daddy loves me and River's daddy loves him. Then Mommy told me that Daddy's daddy was real mean to him and hurt him and made him get sick now. I'm glad your daddy wasn't mean to you and that he loved you. I don't want you to get sick like daddy."
"Oh, Starr." Téa held her close. "No. I won't get sick. I'm fine. Not everyone who's daddy is mean to them gets sick. Your daddy's father was very mean to him and Daddy didn't have a mommy to protect him," Téa explained.
Starr thought about what Téa had just said. "Was your daddy nice to you because your mommy protected you?"
"No. My papi was a nice man and he loved all of us."
"You have a whole lot of brothers, right?" Starr tried to remember.
"Yes. I was the only girl. It was hard for my papi because he didn't know how to handle a girl, but he tried."
"Where was your mommy?" Starr noticed the tears that formed in Téa's eyes. "Did I make you sad, Tee?" Starr asked. Starr's eyes began to fill with tears too. Starr reached up and wiped away a tear that had trickled down Téa's cheek.
Téa took Starr's small hand in hers and kissed it. "No, you didn't make me sad, not at all." Téa looked into Starr's eyes and saw the wisdom of a child who has had to face adult problems that she never should have had to know about. "When I was a very little girl, younger than you, my mother left. Sometimes when I think about her I really miss her and it makes me sad," Téa explained.
"Why did your mommy leave?" Starr inquired.
"She was a lot younger than my father and she wanted a different life from the one she would have had with us."
"So you got to live with your daddy, like me," Starr stated with a happy grin on her little face.
"Yes, I did. I loved my papi very much. I also have a grandmother who loves me very much. When I was a little girl I was not as smart as you are, Starr. I didn't appreciate having a loving daddy and grandmother as much as you appreciate having your mommy and daddy."
"Maybe your mommy was afraid she would become mean to you and make you sick so she left before she hurt you," Starr suggested.
Téa sat there, startled for the moment. 'My God! Maybe that was it? Maybe she was afraid the anger and frustration she felt with her life would make her abuse me?' Téa wondered to herself. She lowered her head as more tears fell.
Starr patted Téa's head. "Tee, Mommy says it's okay to be sad cause you miss someone. I'm sad all the time cause I miss Daddy so much. It's okay to be sad cause you miss your mommy."
"Starr." Téa smiled and stoked her little girl's face. "You are so wise and so grown up and you understand things about life that your daddy and I never did. I am so proud of you and so happy that you are in my life."
"Me too, Tee. I love you being my second mommy. I'm so happy that you're not mad at me and that you still wanna see me." Starr hugged Téa with all her strength.
"Why don't we have our tea party before Fred and all the other guest faint from hunger?" Téa suggested.
Starr giggled and took her place at the table. The tea party went smoothly. Starr showed her ring to all "her guests" and kept admiring it throughout. Once the cookies and apple juice were gone Starr took Téa over to the couch so she could show her the latest steps she learned in ballet class. Téa applauded her every move. Starr sat down next to Téa and snuggled into her.
"Are you sure Aunt Viki and Sam still love me?"
"Yes, very sure. I know for a fact that as soon as your daddy is a little better they will be coming to see you."
"What about Kevin, does he still like me?" Starr needed more assurance. She was still feeling lost.
"Kevin loves you. Starr, you have a whole big family. They all love you. You will never be alone."
"Kevin and Daddy don't like each other. Is he being mean to Daddy?" Starr sounded very worried.
"No, mija. Kevin realizes he was wrong about a lot of things and he loves your daddy." Téa didn't want to add that he loves parts of your daddy, anyway. She knew that would confuse Starr.
"Do you get to see Aunt Viki and Sam and Kevin a lot?" Starr pressed.
"Sometimes I do," Téa responded honestly.
"Can you take me with you when you see them some time?" Starr pleaded.
Téa thought for a moment. "I'll find out, and only if it's okay with your mommy. I know they would love to see you," Téa assured Starr.
"Do you only see them in the part of the hospital where they don't allow little kids?"
"That is where I usually see Viki and Sam."
"What about Kevin?" Starr pushed.
"No. I see Kevin outside the hospital," Téa responded openly.
"Kevin works at Aunt Viki's newspaper, right?" Starr continued to try to make some sense out of all of this.
"Yes. Kevin works very hard there because Viki stays with your daddy."
"Is that where you see him, at the newspaper?"
"No, I usually see him at the hospital . . . sometimes at my office . . . at dinner . . . at my hotel. I see Kevin in many different places, mija." Téa answered innocently. She wanted to be honest with Starr.
Starr, in her own innocence, was just trying to figure out a way to see those she missed. "Maybe I can come and have dinner with you and Kevin someday?"
"Honey, I don't think your mommy would like that. Maybe sometimes when everyone is around, Aunt Viki, Sam and Kevin, your mommy will let you come."
Starr still wanted to make sure that Kevin was okay and not a threat to her father. So she asked, "Tee, do you like Kevin?"
Téa understood why Starr was asking this. She knew that Starr had picked up on the bad vibes that existed between her dad and Kevin, before Todd's illness. Adding some extra enthusiasm to her voice, to reassure Starr, Téa answered. "Oh yes! I like Kevin very much. You don't have to wor . . ." Téa and Starr both looked around when they heard the tiny click, as the tape ran out and the recorder shut off.
"I wonder what that was?" Téa commented.
Starr shrugged. "Maybe it was the floor? Sometimes when I hear things at night and I get scared cause Daddy's not here. Mommy says the floors can creak and make little noises or sometimes the windows can too. Don't be scared, Tee. Mommy says it's safe here. She says Daddy gave us a very safe place to live."
Téa hugged Starr to her and thought no more about it. She and Starr read a book together. Téa was impressed with how well Starr could read now. Starr showed her how she learned to multiply and divide. Téa saw that Starr was growing up and she had missed so much of it. What made her even sadder was realizing that Todd was missing it as well. Téa and Starr drew a picture together and Téa promised to give it to Todd.
They both looked up when they heard Blair come down the stairs. "Looks like you two had a really long visit. It's almost six-thirty." Téa looked at her watch. She couldn't believe it. It seemed like she had just gotten there. "Starr, I know you are enjoying your visit, but you have homework to do and you have to have dinner and then get to bed. You have school tomorrow," Blair reminded her.
Starr did not look happy about it. "Okay, Mommy," she mumbled. Starr ran up to Blair. "Mommy, look at the ring Tee gave me. It used to belong to her when she was a little girl. Her daddy gave it to her. Isn't it beautiful?"
Blair took Starr's hand and looked at it. "Yes, it's very beautiful." Starr turned to Téa. "Tee, will you come see me soon? You won't go away for such a long time again, will you?"
Téa looked at Blair. Blair gave her a begrudging nod. "Yes, oh yes, mi estrella. I will come back soon," Téa promised.
"Mommy, can I go have dinner with Tee and Aunt Viki and Sam and Kevin some time?" Starr pressed.
"Aunt Viki can come visit you any time she wants. You know that, sweetie." Blair gave Téa an angry look.
"I thought with everyone wanting to stay close to Todd, it might work out better if Starr were to meet with them in a restaurant near the hospital or in the cafeteria," Téa explained.
"We'll see, sweetie. For the time being I think it's best if everyone came here to see you. Now why don't you say goodbye to Téa and head upstairs and start your homework." Starr looked disappointed. She reached up to Téa.
Téa lifted her into her arms and held her tightly. She wondered if she would ever see her again. Starr wondered the same. "I love you so much," Téa whispered.
"I love you too, Tee," Starr whispered back.
Téa lowered her. Starr headed up the stairs. She stopped for a moment and turned around and waved to Téa. Téa waved back. Both Téa and Starr had tears in their eyes.
"I guess I should be going. I have some evening appointments," Téa announced.
"Téa, just one thing before you go. I don't appreciate you filling Starr's head with ideas about having dinner with you and Kevin. How dare you even suggest that!"
"I did not suggest that. I mentioned a family dinner with Viki and Sam being there as well. They are Starr's family and she misses them and they miss her. You could be there too if you think you can control yourself long enough to allow Starr a happy time with her family."
"I can control myself just fine. Maybe a lot better than you."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Téa asked sharply.
"Nothing, forget it. How is Todd?" Blair changed the subject.
"He was doing all right when I left. He's been started on oral Dilantin and hasn't had any seizures. Tom was out when I left." Téa didn't feel like going to any details. "Blair, Starr has a family that needs her as much as she needs them. You should encourage her to be with them," Téa persisted.
"Yes, Starr has a family. But it isn't just Viki and Sam and the ever lovin' Kevin. She has Dorian, Kelly and Cassie . . . oh, that's right. You don't remember that Cassie exists do you? They are her family too. She is as much a Cramer as she is a Lord and don't ever forget that."
Téa did not want to get into a fight with Starr just upstairs. "I need to get going." Téa gathered her things.
"Please tell Viki and Sam they can come see Starr whenever they wish," Blair offered coldly. Téa noticed she didn't include Kevin. "And please let me know ahead of time if you plan on coming to see Starr again," Blair added.
"Yes. I will. Thank you for allowing this visit."
Blair could see that Téa was being genuine. She shrugged. "There's nothing I wouldn't do the make my daughter happy or to keep her from being hurt." Blair stepped close to Téa. "And there is nothing I wouldn't do to keep her father from being hurt either."
Téa stared at Blair for a second and then turned and left. Blair waited until she heard the elevator and then went to get her tape.
*****
Susannah was checking out some abstracts on neuroleptics on the Medline site when she heard Bill's familiar knock on her office door. "Come in, Bill," she called out. Susannah felt her heart quicken as a smile replaced the worried look on her face. As soon as Bill walked in carrying a brown shopping bag the wonderful aroma of Chinese food wafted toward Susannah.
"I assumed you would not be able to go to The Palace of Wong tonight, so I brought the best of Wong to you."
Susannah had not realized she was starving. "A man who anticipates my every need. I must have done something right in this life."
"I'd say you may have done a thing or two right, Doctor Hanen." Bill put the bag down and kissed Susannah hello. As tired as Susannah was, Susannah felt re-energized by Bill's presence.
Bill dished out the food as Susannah opened the sodas he brought and poured them into cups. They talked about two of the rental houses they had looked at. "The first one had a much bigger back yard, but the second one had that extra bedroom and a two car garage," Bill commented.
"Maybe you should look some more. You might be able to find one that is just right for you and the kids," Susannah suggested.
"Speaking of the kids, they'll be coming in a couple of weeks, for their spring vacation. I'll be picking them up at the airport a week from Monday. Then I get to have them for ten days."
Susannah could not believe how time had gotten away from her. "I am really looking forward to meeting them. Are they bringing Patches?"
"Not on this trip. It's too stressful for the dog for such a short visit. He'll be coming with them when they come here for the summer."
Susannah was a little nervous about meeting Bill's children. She always got along great with kids. It was very important to her that these children like her and sometimes kids picked up on the tension and pressure a situation like that could cause. "I would love to show them around town, if that is okay with them," Susannah offered.
"I think they would love that. I know I will," Bill smiled.
"Hey, I already gave you the scenic tour. This one is for the kids," Susannah teased.
"I'm just a big kid at heart, so it'll be okay," Bill teased back. Then he asked, "maybe we can get away for the day and take them to Philly?"
"I would love that. Or maybe an overnight to the Amish country?" Susannah proposed.
Susannah and Bill looked into each other's eyes. The same thought occurred to them both. The odds of Susannah being able to get away for an overnight trip were not great. "Bill, I'm sorry. I hope we get to do it, but I can't promise."
"I wouldn't ask you to. I understand and you know what? My kids are pretty understanding themselves. When my oldest was in second grade a kid in the class got leukemia and lost his hair because of chemo. My son asked us to give him permission to get his head shaved and talked a few of his friends into doing it to so this kid wouldn't feel so bad. They'll understand about Todd."
It didn't surprise Susannah that Bill would have a child like that. She realized that some of the credit had to go to their mother as well. That reminded Susannah of something she had been meaning to discuss with Bill. "Am I going to be the first woman you will be introducing your kids to since the divorce?"
"Yep. Does that concern you?"
"That is sometimes a difficult position for children to be in. They feel disloyal to their mom. They also have to start coming to the realization that you and their mom may never get back together again. Do you think they are still holding on to hopes that you will all be a family again?"
"I thought of that," Bill admitted. "I might be too optimistic here, but I really don't think so. We explained the divorce to them very carefully and answered all their questions honestly. I don't think they have any hopes of us getting back together. Besides, their mom has started to date. Nothing serious, but they have seen her being picked up for a date."
Though still a little nervous, Susannah was looking forward to meeting Bill's children. "I notice you did not talk about Todd since I've been here. I hope you were not holding back on my account. I care very much about that boy and his family," Bill confessed.
"Oh, Bill. You don't have to tell me that. No, I was just taking the other parts of my life out for a little airing."
"So, how's he doing?" Bill asked. Susannah could tell Bill wanted to know and not just asking because he felt she needed to talk. "He's doing all right, considering what he's been through . . . same for the family. He's responding well to the Dilantin, so far. There haven't been any more seizures. Todd came back long enough to hear he has epilepsy."
"How did he take it?" Bill inquired.
"He thinks it's just one more reason for everyone to hate him and make fun of him and think he's disgusting."
"Poor kid, like he didn't have enough to deal with," Bill sympathized.
"He thought he caught it from someone. Then he thought the Buchanans had somehow paid me, or someone, off to give it to him. He compared himself to a rabid dog."
Bill shook his head. "Did you get him to understand?"
"No," Susannah shook her head. "He shut down and then begged to go inside. The one good thing is, even though he doesn't realize it, he is making the connection to Goodone. That was who he wanted to get to."
"Really! He knows about Goodone and asked to go to him," Bill stated hopefully.
"Not exactly. He's able to remember being with someone who makes him feel warm and safe. He may think of him as Papa, but he didn't say. The thing is, before, he had no concept of where he goes or what he wants to get to when he goes away. Sometimes he was terrified when he felt himself going away and that made it worse. He would fight it and it would cause severe headaches. Now he is able, more and more, to recognize that comforting part of himself. He is able to trust me to get him to that part. That he is able to recognize that comforting part of himself, even in the abstract terms he recognized it in, is a good thing. He is forging some communication with his inner system. This can lead to co-consciousness and that's a very good thing."
Bill never failed to be impressed with Todd. He had the utmost respect for this young man. "So, did he make it to Goodone?"
"I helped to get him into a relaxed state, then he rushed into his papa's arms." Tears formed in Susannah's eyes.
Bill took her hand. "You're allowed your tears, Susannah. Maybe not in front of Todd or his family, but certainly here and with me."
"I'm afraid he's in trouble, Bill. The epilepsy complicates things . . . it's not just that. Things are changing. I feel it. Many of the alters are becoming very depressed. They're experiencing personality changes. Todd's desire to die is stronger. Andy doesn't want to come out or to do anything but sleep when he's inside. Tom's emotions are all over the place. His thoughts are becoming even more disorganized. He's feeling lost both inside and out. Timmy was also showing signs of cognitive and motor dysfunction and behavior problems the last time he was out. Thomas is becoming angrier every time we see him. Saber hasn't come out to taunt us for a while and even that concerns me. He may be plotting something. He has been persecuting Todd all along and swore to us that he was out to get Todd. Tom told us about another alter . . . an eleven year old computer, math and science expert named Justin."
