*****

Terry buzzed Blair and Dorian onto the unit. She took them aside to speak with them before allowing them to see Todd.

"What do you mean he's dissociated? Doesn't having DID mean he's always dissociating?" Blair asked anxiously.

"Todd hasn't switched to another alter. He is in a trance state. No one else wanted to come out. They are all inside. He probably won't know you're with him. You can still see him if you like. Just talk to him softly and let him know you care," Terry explained.

"Oh course, she cares. My niece loves him. He's the father of her child. Blair knows how to act around Todd."

"Mrs. Hayes, I didn't mean to offend Blair. I just wanted to make sure she knew what to expect when she went inside."

"Yes. Of course," Dorian looked at the nurses ID tag, "Terry. I'm sorry. It's just that I wanted you to know that Blair cares deeply for Todd and she would never act in a way that would harm him. By the way, is Todd's sister around?"

"No. She and Mr. Rappaport went out for lunch and so did Doctor Hanen. Is there a problem?" Terry asked.

"No, not at all. I just thought I would let Viki know I'm here for her if she needs me," Dorian replied. She smiled sweetly.

"Do you see the way they treat you around here? I'm sure no one asks Viki if she knows how to behave around Todd," Dorian whispered to Blair after Terry stepped away.

"And I'm sure they don't ask Ms. Delgado that either," Blair added. Anger flashed in her eyes.

They headed into Todd's room. Todd was still as he had been . . . in the easy chair . . . knees pulled to his chest . . . staring blankly. Todd gave no indication of awareness when Blair and Dorian walked into the room. Frank was sitting in a chair right next to Todd's chair.

"Hello, Frank. How's he doing?" Blair asked.

"He's doing fine. Aren't you, buddy?" Frank answered and patted Todd's knee.

"Has he spoken at all?" Dorian inquired.

"Did anyone explain to you that Todd has dissociated? He has completely withdrawn from reality," Frank asked and then explained.

"Yes, Terry did. We were just wondering if he showed any signs of coming out of it," Dorian clarified her question.

"Frank, what happened? Why is he like this?" Blair wanted to know.

"I think it would be best if Doctor Hanen explained it to you. I can tell you that Todd has been having some memories come back to him and he is a little overwhelmed by them. He needed to go inside for while. He'll be all right. He just needs a respite from himself."

"Was he alone when he became like this?" Blair pressed.

"Todd is never left complete alone. But no, Susannah, Sam and Viki were with him . . . oh, and Todd's wif . . ." Frank felt awkward referring to current Mrs. Manning in the presence of the former one. "Ah . . . Téa was with him."

Blair wanted to scream, "I knew it! I knew that bitch had to have somehow caused this to happen." However, Blair controlled herself in front of Frank. Instead she calmly asked, "Do you think it's possible that we can visit alone with Todd?"

"I'm sorry Blair. I have to be near Todd at all times," Frank responded.

"Surly you can see that he's not about to hurt himself or us. My niece just wants a little privacy with her child's father."

"I'm sorry Mrs. Hayes. I have to stay close. Todd or an alter can come back at any time. It is for his own safety. I can go sit over there," Frank pointed to a chair in the corner, "so you both can have some space."

"Thank you, Frank. I appreciate that," Blair commented.

Dorian sat down in the chair opposite from Todd and Blair sat in the chair Frank vacated.

"Hello Todd. It's Dorian. You are looking better than the last time I saw you." Dorian's voice was loud.

"Yes, baby. You do look better." Blair stroked his hair. "I've missed you." Blair stood up and knelt down so that she could whisper to Todd. "Did Téa or Kevin hurt you? Is that why you want to stay inside? Blair is here now. It's safe to come out." She looked into his eyes. She hoped for even the smallest response. There was none.

Dorian motioned for Blair to come closer to her. "Why don't I head outside and see if I can find out anything," Dorian whispered and then added. "Before the troops come back from lunch."

"See if you can find out what they did to him to cause him to become like this," Blair instructed.

"I'll see you before I leave, Todd. I'm just going to stretch my legs," Dorian said loudly enough for Frank to hear.

"Todd, Starr got an A in spelling. She certainly didn't get that from us. Neither of us can spell worth a damn." Blair hugged him to her. "Oh, come on baby. I'm talking about our little girl. Don't you have any questions? She misses you so much, Todd. I told her I was coming to see you today and she made me promise to give you a big kiss from her." Blair kissed Todd on the cheek. Then she held him by the shoulders and whispered to him. "Todd, I want to take you out of here. I want you to come live with Starr and me. Is that what you want? Would you like that?" Todd's eyes and expression stayed blank. "Baby, listen to me. I don't know what to do. I want to do what's right for you. I want to help you. I need to know if you want to come home to us. I know how much you hate being in the hospital. I know you don't want to be drugged and tied down. I hate to see them treat you like that. If you were living at home with Starr and me, you would still have the best doctors and nurses and as many people as you needed to help you. The difference is they would have to listen to me, or you if you are able. I wouldn't let them treat you like an animal." Blair glanced in Frank's direction. He had busied himself with a newspaper, so as not to be intrusive. Blair put her hand on Todd's chest and once again started to whisper to him. "I would have everything at home to keep your heart well and keep you healthy. You wouldn't need this nasty ol' feeding tube. I'll bet once you got home you would want all your favorites. Remember you liked the way I made roast chicken and mashed potatoes for you . . . oh, and those special cookies you and Starr like to have at your tea parties." Blair stopped talking. She realized that, in all likelihood, it was Timmy or Tom or one of the child alters who shared tea parties with Starr.

*****

Terry was at the nurses station writing in Todd's chart. Nancy was talking on the phone. She was talking to the lab, scheduling some blood work for Todd. Dorian stood near where Terry sat and tried to read Todd's chart, upside down. Terry looked up. "Mrs. Hayes, is there something I can do for you?"

"Yes. Todd felt a little warm and he looks a little paler than usual. Would you mind doing vitals on him? Just to set Blair's mind at ease."

"His vitals were done about an hour ago and he was fine, but I will do them again, no problem." Terry closed the chart and put it in the rack. She then headed off to check on Todd.

Dorian stepped behind the nurses station. "Excuse me!" Dorian got Nancy's attention. "My cell phone is dead. I was wondering if I could use this phone to make a very important call." Dorian pointed to a phone that was inches from the chart rack.

"Yes, of course, just dial nine first," Nancy politely replied.

"Oh my. I forgot to tell Terry that Todd was shivering. I think he needs another blanket. Would you be a dear and bring him one?" Dorian requested.

Nancy knew Todd didn't usually shiver when he was in a dissociate state. Nevertheless, she did not suspect Dorian was up to something. "Sure I will," Nancy answered and headed off for the linen cart.

Dorian quickly pulled Todd's chart. She turned to the section that contained his lab reports. She saw how much he had deteriorated from the time he was admitted to the latest labs. She turned to his progress notes. They were carefully documented and showed little progress, until the most recent entries. She saw that Timmy had recently had a neurological workup and was found to have deficits in his motor and cognitive skills. She noted how low Todd's electrolytes had dropped at one point and how dangerously high they had risen at another. She was shocked to see how perilously close to death Todd had come on two occasions. She made a mental note of how much weight Todd had lost. She also noted how many restraint orders had been filled out and she noted the endless orders for sedation, in higher doses than the prn order. She saw Todd was being given increasing doses of Zyprexa. Dorian knew little about the difficulty of prescribing meds for DID patients and she knew even less about Todd's atypical reactions to most meds. She was surprised at the countless times his antidepressant had been changed and adjusted. 'Well, you just can't seem to get it right, can you Doctor Hanen?' Dorian thought to herself.

"Excuse me! You are not allowed back here or access to a patient's chart!"

Dorian jumped and nearly dropped Todd's chart. "I don't believe we've met," Dorian said as she quickly closed the chart.

"My name is Jeff. I'm a psych tech assigned to Todd Manning. Does Terry know you're here?"

"Yes, of course. Todd is my nephew-in-law and my stepson. I am a physician. I was just checking to see how he's been progressing. I used to work at this hospital."

"Did you get permission from Doctor Hanen to look at Todd's chart?" Jeff asked in a no-nonsense manner.

"Doctor Hanen is out to lunch. I'm sure it wouldn't have been a problem. My niece, Todd's wife, is in with him and she has been very concerned. I just wanted to put her mind at ease."

"Téa had a meeting with Susannah just this morning. She was told how Todd was doing," Jeff pointed out.

"I'm sorry. I should have said ex-wife. It's just that there is still so much love between my niece, Blair, and Todd that I sometimes forget they are no longer married." Dorian made a feeble attempt to cover herself.

"I'm going to have to discuss this with Susannah and write up a report on it. Todd's rights were violated by you seeing his chart."

Terry came out. "What's the problem here?"

"It's nothing. I was just looking at my nephew's chart. I wanted to put Blair's mind at ease."

"Mrs. Hayes. I think you know better than to look at a patient's chart," Terry chastised.

"Normally I wouldn't dream of it, however Todd is my family and I am a doctor." Dorian emphasized the word doctor.

"Then you certainly should have known better. Jeff we have to write up a report on this," Terry declared.

"I was just explaining that to Mrs. Hayes," Jeff told Terry.

*****

Blair had enough sense to go along with it when Terry mentioned Dorian said that Todd might have a fever. When she saw Nancy come into the room with a blanket, she realized Dorian had deliberately gotten rid of them. She just hoped Dorian didn't get caught in whatever she was doing. Blair had taken the blanket from Nancy and tenderly wrapped it around Todd. "Is that better?" she asked him and stroked his head. "Thank you. He seemed a little chilly," Blair lied.

Frank said nothing when he saw Terry come in for an unscheduled vitals check or Nancy come in with a blanket. He did think it odd. He knew that Todd was neither feverish nor cold. He made a mental note to discuss this with Terry or Susannah.

Dorian came back into the room. "Dorian, is there a problem?" Blair whispered through clenched teeth. She knew that subtlety was not Dorian's strong suit.

"We'll discuss this later," Dorian whispered back. She had a frozen smile on her lips. "How are you doing Todd?" Dorian's voice was even louder than it had been before she left for the nurses station.

"He's not deaf, Dorian," Blair commented.

Under the circumstances, Dorian did not want to be around when Viki, Sam and Susannah returned. "I think I'll go to the cafeteria. Why don't you meet me there when you are through visiting Todd?" Dorian suggested.

"I may be a while. They're bringing Todd something to eat and I would like to stay and feed him."

"All right. Why don't I head home and you can come to the house later." Dorian gave Blair a look and a nod of her head that let Blair know she had something to tell her.

'Oh man! I hope she didn't screw things up ,' Blair thought. She was sorry the only one she had to turn to for help was Dorian. "I will be there as soon as I can," Blair answered. She smiled broadly, for Frank's benefit.

Dorian patted Todd's head. "Good-bye, Todd. Blair will take good care of you," Dorian announced, still a little too loudly.

Blair turned to Frank and smiled again. "Dorian is very concerned for Todd and for our little family."

Frank nodded and answered, "Yes, I've noticed."

Blair, with her back to Frank, pulled close to Todd and whispered, "We're trying to help you, Todd, even Dorian. She really wants to see you get well and get back to our little girl. Todd please, if you can hear me, let me know if you want to leave the hospital. I want to do what's best for you, baby. I swear that's all I want. If being here is best for you then I'll go along with it, but I don't know if it is." Then, with her mouth right up to Todd's ear, Blair whispered, "I love you, Todd. I never stopped."

Terry brought in some cream of wheat and some chocolate pudding. She showed Blair how to feed Todd. Blair patiently and gently massaged his jaw and his throat. She fed him spoonful after spoonful of the cereal and pudding until both bowls were empty. She went into the bathroom and dampened a washcloth. She came back and wiped his mouth off. She had been speaking soothingly the whole time she fed him. He gave no indication of knowing she was there.

*****

Viki and Sam had settled into a booth at the diner. "Can we hold off ordering for a few minutes?" Viki requested. Viki wasn't sure how to begin. Then she decided to get right to it. "I think I may have some ideas as to why I freeze up when we try to make love." Viki was still not comfortable talking about sex.

Sensing this, Sam said, "you don't have to discuss your therapy sessions with me, if you're uncomfortable with it. Viki, I love you. I love our family. The way things are with Todd lately . . . it's . . . well, it's not exactly as if sex is preying on my mind." Sam was more tired than he cared to admit. Also, he could not shake the overpowering guilt he felt. He didn't want to upset Viki by talking about it. It was eating away at him. Making love was not high on his list of priorities right now.

"Sam, I'm sorry." Viki took his hand. "No one is addressing your pain, are they?"

Sam realized Viki knew him very well. "There is nothing to address. I can't go back and change the past. I can't save Todd from having to go through all this. I had my chance and I blew it. I really don't want to talk about it. It's pointless. Like I said, I can't undo the mistakes I made and I really don't need to hear Susannah or you telling me that I did the best I could. I didn't. I trusted my instincts and believed that I would always know if Todd were really in trouble. Apparently those instincts that I always lived by were just a figment of my imagination. I made the mistake and Todd paid the price. There is nothing more to discuss."

"And your beating yourself up is not going to change the past either. Sam, you are there for Todd now. No father is more devoted than you. You have given up your job. You have put your entire life on hold. Todd would be lost without you." Viki tried to get him to see the reality of the situation.

"No. I allowed Todd to be lost long ago. Viki, I really don't want to talk about this. I would much rather hear how you are doing."

Viki knew he was shutting down and there was no point in discussing his guilt with him. "Sam, something happened in one of my therapy sessions. Susannah had me visualize making love to you to try to discover at what point I become anxious." Viki stopped for a moment. She felt embarrassed.

Sam took her hand and looked into her eyes. "Viki, it's all right. Whatever it is you found out we'll get through it, together. I would like to know, but if you feel uncomfortable telling me, I'll understand."

Viki stroked Sam's cheek. She felt so much love for him. She wanted to do everything in her power to have a complete relationship with him. Telling him about Sloan and Victor was one of the first steps she had to take. "I visualized us making love and everything was fine. Suddenly I saw Sloan standing over us. He looked betrayed and disapproving."

"You feel like you're betraying Sloan's memory?" Sam was a little confused.

"No. That's just it. It's not Sloan. It's Father. I see Sloan because . . . I never told you very much about Sloan. I wasn't comfortable talking about my relationship with him and I never understood why." Viki tried to understand it herself as she tried to explain it to Sam. "I am now beginning to understand why. Sloan was a very good and very decent man. But there were many ways that he was like father . . . in appearance . . . in demeanor. Sam, when I fist met Sloan I was . . . I was going to say attracted to him. At least that's what I told myself it was. Now I realize it was more than an attraction. It was an obsession. I was attracted to Joe, when we first met, and to Clint, and to you, but with Sloan it was different." Viki looked down at her hands and swallowed hard. "With Sloan it was as if I had to be with him. Something compelled me to him. My God, Sam. I broke up my marriage to Clint. Clint and I had been through so much and we always found our way back to each other, but not this time. I wanted Sloan in a way that made me feel ashamed and dirty. I never realized I felt that way until today."

"So, you're saying you were attracted to Sloan because you wanted to be . . ." Sam didn't continue.

"It's all right. You can say it. Because I wanted to be with my father." A tear slid down Viki's cheek.

Sam took both her hands in his and kissed them. "It's going to be all right you know," Sam gently assured her.

"Oh Sam. As Todd would say, I'm so messed up. Just when I think I have things straight and I am aware of all the damage Father did to me, I discover something that makes me feel sick and disgusting. Sam, I think Todd and I are a little more than you bargained for."

"You are both exactly what I bargained for. Do you think the damage Victor Lord and Peter Manning did you and Todd make you any less precious to me?"

Viki looked at him. She desperately wanted to get her life back, completely. She realized that even though she had gotten most of it back when the alters were integrated, there were huge chunks that still belonged to Victor and Viki was determined to take those back too. "It's not as if I wanted to sleep with my father. It's just that . . ." Viki didn't know quite how to put it into words.

"Don't you think I have seen enough and learned enough about the confusion that happens to a child who has been sexually abused to understand that? Your father never gave you the chance to understand your sexuality in a normal way. He stole that from you, just as Peter stole it from Todd."

Viki was so relieved that Sam understood. Her feelings of self-loathing diminished a little as she spoke with Sam. "It's all confused, Sam. All of it . . . love . . . sex . . . security . . . safety . . . attention . . . wanting to please and be the good little girl . . . not wanting to be left all alone. Ever since I remembered, ever since I don't have the alters to protect me, all those feelings I had buried deep within me have come back to haunt me. Joe rescued me from Father. He taught me what a normal relationship was. He took Father's Victoria and turned her into Viki. He made me laugh for the first time in my life. He taught me how to allow myself to have fun. Father stole all that from me and Joe stole me from Father."

Viki paused. She realized that she might be hurting Sam by telling him of her wonderful relationship with Joe. "Sam, I'm sorry. Please, if my talking about Joe this way . . ."

Sam interrupted her. "Don't you think I'm happy to know that you had some pleasure in your life and that there was a time, no matter how brief, that you knew what it was to feel that kind of love? Viki, I only wish there was a time in Todd's life that he could have known that kind of happiness. He has never allowed himself to feel one minute's pleasure, not with Blair and not with Téa. As soon as he starts to feel even the teeniest bit of happiness he has to shoot himself in the foot to make sure he destroys it."

"That's because he doesn't feel he deserves to be happy. He doesn't feel worthy of being alive, nevertheless happy. That is where I was luckier, for lack of a better word. Father didn't belittle me or humiliate me, at least not in the way Todd's father did. He didn't tell me I was a mistake that never should have been born. I always knew he was proud of my achievements. I knew he loved me, in his own sick and twisted way. It was the part of Father that wanted to possess me and run my life like he ran the Banner that I hated. Long before I remembered the sexual abuse, I felt horribly guilty because sometimes I hated him for treating me like one of his possessions. Then again, I guess the hatred for the abuse was always there too. I just didn't recognize it."

"Viki, I hope you know I will do anything, anything I can to help you through this. If the best I can give you is time and patience, then you've got it. If you want me to talk to Susannah or have sessions with you, I'll do that too," Sam offered.

"Actually, Susannah suggested that somewhere down the line family sessions might be a good idea, but for now she feels individual sessions with any of us who care to see her are best. Todd's illness has stretched all of us to the limit, Téa and Kevin as well as you and I. We all have our own issues to deal with and the issue of Todd. I think our family unit will be keeping Susannah pretty busy for the rest of her career," Viki joked.

Sam took her hand again. "Viki, if it's your father who is getting in the way of your happiness then we will get him out of your life, once and for all this time."

"I don't think he'll ever be completely out of my life. I think what I have to do is learn to live with and accept what his part in my life is and overcome it. Ever since Andy told us what happened to him, feelings that I had never addressed in any previous therapy have come to the surface. I never allowed myself to deal with them before. I just let them fester until I lost a part of me to them, just as I lost so much of my life to what Father did to me before." Viki smiled. "I kind of think of myself as this pie chart. Ninety percent of me is accounted for. I intend to find and get back the last 10 percent. Those sessions hurt like hell and I hate them. I would look forward to root canal more, but I'll be damned if I will let Father's sickness take any more from me then it already has."

"Viki, I know it's important that you face your demons. If you are rushing this before you are ready, for me . . ."

Viki cut him off. "No. I love you and I would do anything for you, but this is for me. Yes, I want a complete relationship with you, but I want to be complete for me. I want that last 10 percent of Viki back and I want Victoria gone forever. Now, I'm starving. Let's order lunch."

*****

Bill and Susannah got back to the hospital at two-thirty. Viki and Sam had not yet returned. They headed for Todd's room. Bill waited in the lounge outside the room and Susannah went to the nurses station to check Todd's chart. Terry immediately told her what happened with Dorian.

"Was a report filled out?" Susannah asked.

"Yes. Right after the incident," Terry informed Susannah.

"Good. I'll tell Viki and Sam as soon as they get back. I know Dorian claimed that she just wanted to put Blair's mind at ease, but I don't believe that. I have a feeling she is up to something," Susannah confided in Terry.

"I got that same impression. She conveniently sent both Nancy and me into Todd's room. She had asked to use the phone near the charts. She was looking for something," Terry theorized.

"I agree," Susannah concurred.

*****

Blair stayed and tried to reach Todd for thirty minutes after she finished feeding him. He had not moved a muscle. He remained totally unresponsive. Blair kissed him good-bye and stroked his head. She tucked the blankets around him, tightly, and left. She headed for Dorian's.

"They caught you! Jesus Christ, Dorian! How could you let them catch you?" Blair had a feeling something like that had happened.

"Todd's chart is extensive. Do you think I could read the whole thing in a few seconds? Did you or did you not want me to find out as much as I could?" Dorian reminded her. Dorian was feeling angry that Blair did not appreciate the risk she took.

"Yes! Of course I wanted you to find out about his medical condition, but I didn't want you to get caught." Blair was exasperated. She was not ready to tip her hand. She need some more proof that Téa was having an affair with Kevin and that, possibly, Viki, Sam and Doctor Hanen were aware of it and still allowed her near Todd.

"Blair, don't worry. I covered my tracks. I told them you were very concerned and I wanted to put your mind at ease."

Blair thought for a moment. "Dorian, that is a pretty flimsy excuse. Why couldn't I just ask Doctor Hanen how Todd was doing?"

"Because Doctor Hanen wasn't around. Were you supposed to just wait around for her to get back from her leisurely lunch? You have a newspaper to run and a child to take care of."

"I suppose," Blair agreed half-heartedly. "I just hope this doesn't backfire. Now tell me, did you find out anything?"

Dorian wished she had found out more. She told Blair what little she did find.

"Did you find out what caused Todd to go into this state he's in?" Blair pressed.

"I was only able to skim over the notes quickly. He was with Téa and he remembered being punished by his father. Something about being made to lick food off the floor."

"Oh my God! What kind of monster was that man? How could he have done that to a little boy? How on earth did Todd end up becoming the wonderful father he became? When I think about how kind and gentle he is with Starr . . . he makes her feel like she is the smartest, most beautiful and special little child in the world. No one ever did that for him. Todd was put down and belittled every moment of his life."