Susannah checked Todd again. She saw he was in a very deep sleep. "Release the restraints long enough to clean him and the bed up and then put them back in place," Susannah ordered. Susannah stroked Todd's hair away from his face. "We'll get you better, honey. I swear to you Todd, we'll get you better." Susannah left Todd's room to speak with Viki and Sam. She knew that they would be upset. She wanted them to feel encouraged by the fact that Todd was able to communicate his feelings to Susannah tonight. He was also able to hear her and he listened to her explain to him why he was feeling the way he did. It may not have sunk in this time, but it was a start. It was a good start.
*****
"He's having another psychotic episode, isn't he?" Viki asked. Susannah heard the hopelessness in Viki's voice.
"Does that mean the antipsychotic isn't working?" Sam posed.
"He's only had one dose. It couldn't possibly work that quickly," Susannah explained again.
"I know. I'm sorry. You did tell us that," Sam apologized.
Susannah understood Sam was upset. "That's all right. I don't want you two to feel discouraged." Susannah placed the microcassette recorder on her desk. "I want you to hear the tape of the session I just had with Todd." Susannah rewound the tape and played it for them.
Sam and Viki both smiled when they heard Todd say, "what part of alone don't you understand?" It let them know that the Todd they always knew was still in there.
"Do you think he has any of the memories of the things Andy told us about?" Viki inquired.
"The memories, no . . . some of the feelings, probably," Susannah guessed.
"He still wants to die. He still feels so apart from everything," Sam pointed out after hearing what Todd said.
"Todd is still very ill. He's suffering from so many different problems. DID, depression, psychosis, anxiety, PTSD and array of physical problems. He's only been on Paxil for three weeks. It really takes four to five weeks before we would see any signs of his depression lifting. As I told you, I'm going to start increasing the Zyprexa until we get to 10 mg. We should know in another couple of weeks if he's getting any relief from the drugs. He was able to get through the anxiety attack he had without any drugs. He did that himself. That in itself is an improvement. Believe it or not, you've got a very strong kid in there. I wasn't just trying to calm Todd down when I told him he was getting better. I honestly believe that," Susannah assured them.
"Can we go sit with him now?" Viki requested.
"Viki, we've all been through a rough day. I want Todd to rest. He will be kept sedated through the night. I want you and Sam to go home and sleep in your own bed. I want you to have breakfast in your own kitchen. Todd will be all right. Connie is going to give him his next dose of Zyprexa and then feed him. He was not retaining water. He was holding himself back from going."
"Why was he doing that?" Sam was shocked.
"I'm not sure at this point. Todd woke up with an erection. I believe it had to do with Andy's disclosures. Todd's unconscious may have connected to what Andy told us. I think his sudden reluctance to urinate has to do with that. Apparently Andy had been holding it in too."
"Did you get a chance to ask him about it?" Viki wanted to know.
"No. Todd seemed very ashamed and frightened by his erection. He didn't want anyone in the room. He didn't want anyone to know. Dave said Todd tried to make it go down by pressing on his penis. He turned his back to Dave thinking he wouldn't notice. He seemed very disgusted with himself. Then he started freaking out about being touched. I'm not sure. I think Todd did not want to touch himself again, not even to go to the bathroom. Andy may have felt the same way. As soon as the sedative hit, his bladder released and he voided a large amount of urine. Carl and Dave are cleaning him up."
"Wasn't he uncomfortable? It must have been painful?" Sam surmised.
"I'm sure it was. Unfortunately, having to touch himself to use the bathroom or a urinal would have caused him much greater pain. Todd also freaks out if he has to sit on the toilet while urinating. He becomes frightened and says that's only for girls. My guess is that Peter might have punished him or shamed him if he ever caught him sitting to urinate," Susannah explained.
Viki appreciated the physical pain Todd must have been in. However, it was his mental pain that she really understood.
"Todd is all right now. His vitals are all good. Please, go home. I will be here for another few hours. Todd should be out until late tomorrow morning," Susannah informed them.
Viki and Sam exchanged looks. "Do you think we should go home?" Viki asked anxiously.
Sam knew that Viki had been through almost as much as Todd today. "Yes, I think we need to be healthy and strong for him. I think we need to follow doctor's orders," Sam replied. He smiled encouragingly trying to encourage himself as much as Viki.
Sam and Viki went in to kiss Todd goodnight. As they were leaving Susannah called Viki aside. "Viki, I would like to start our sessions tomorrow. As I said, Todd will probably be asleep most of the morning. It's just as well because he's do for some blood work and an ECG. Would ten tomorrow morning be all right for you?"
Viki was taken back. She had no idea Susannah was planning on starting sessions with her this soon. Viki's heart started pounding and she felt her palms get moist. Viki knew she had to be as brave as Todd. "Yes. Tomorrow at ten will be fine."
Susannah patted her arm. "It will be all right. It will be all right for both of you."
*****
Todd was still asleep when Viki arrived at nine the next morning. She wanted to spend some time with him before her session with Susannah. She had a restless night. She was happy to have Sam next to her, but uncomfortable at the same time. Around three in the morning Viki had gone downstairs to the library. She opened her purse and held the letter from Victor to Todd. She didn't know why she carried it, the canceled checks, Todd's birth certificate and the little wisp of Todd's baby hair around with her instead of putting them in the safe. She just wanted to have them with her. She wondered what Victor had to say to the son he sent to live a life of torture. Viki thought about the session she would be having with Susannah. She felt her stomach tie into knots. Finally, around four in the morning, Viki fell asleep on the couch.
Sam hadn't been asleep. He knew when Viki left their bed. He didn't follow her downstairs. Even though he was worried about her, he understood she needed to be by herself. He too finally, fell asleep around four.
Viki only slept until seven. As soon as she woke up she knew there was something she wanted to do . . . more like she needed and had to do. She headed for the cemetery to visit with Joe. She brought some flowers from the house. Viki missed Joe as much now as when he first died. It was no longer that painful kind of missing. Now it was more like emptiness in her life where Joe should have been all these years.
"Hi honey. I miss you. Oh Joe. I do miss you. You should see our boys. Kevin is so much like you. He's been such a help to me, Joe. He inherited your forgiving nature and your strength. I used to see your humor in him . . . " Viki shook her head. "Not so much lately . . . he's been through a lot. He's a little confused about things right now. I guess there's a lot of that going around." Viki smiled and brushed her hand lovingly over Joe's headstone. "Kevin has done a complete turnaround as far as Todd is concerned. My brother is very ill, Joe . . . mentally . . . physically. Kevin realizes this and shown nothing but compassion for him. You should see him with one of Todd's alters . . . a little four year old boy named Timmy. He's the only one who can calm Timmy when they have to do medical procedures on him. He gets him to eat and take his medication when no one else can. Timmy adores him. Kevin's a good father Joe. He's the kind of father you would have been. Kevin is worried because he still has so much anger in him. Maybe he inherited some of your temper, hmm? He's afraid he is capable of hurting Timmy or even his own son. Do you ever get to check out our grandchild? I haven't seen him in a long time. Oh, Joe. There is so much you missed out on. Joey is happy. He is living with a girl named Kelly Cramer. She's Dorian's niece."
Viki laughed to herself. "Here's something you won't believe. Dorian is actually being nice to me and to Todd. I know. You would warn me to be careful and I will be. Jessie is in Arizona with Clint. Joe, I'm not alone. There's a man I've become very close to. His name is Sam Rappaport. He knew Todd when Todd was a child. He came to town to help Todd. Once Todd got so sick Sam and I started getting closer. I love him Joe. It's not the same as it was with us . . ." Viki smiled, "then again nothing ever was. Sam is a good man. You would like him. He's kind and gentle. He loves Todd with all his heart and he loves me. He is there for both of us. He's patient. He has to be. Things aren't going that well for us. It's not like it was between us. Joe, do you remember how things were between us? When you came into my life it was like it had just begun. You loved life so much and taught me how to. You taught me how to say no to Father. He was used to a daughter who couldn't say no . . . first because she was just a little girl . . . then because she lived to please her daddy. You never tried to control me, Joe. You were there to help me when I needed it, but you let me breathe. Sam is like that. Oh, not really the way you were. No one will ever be the way you were. Sam doesn't expect anything from me. He loves me as is."
Viki brushed away some tears that had filled her eyes and spilled down her cheeks. "You set me free Joe, but I didn't stay free. I'm still not free. I'm trying. For once in my life I want to be free of Father and what he did to me. Well," Viki stood up. "I have to be going. I want to get to the hospital and spend some time with Todd before my session. You would like Todd, Joe. He's like you in some ways. He doesn't care who anyone one is or where they come from. He never judges people by what they are and he loves to take down the pompous and powerful jerks in this town. He's very funny. He has this sarcastic humor that I know you would appreciate. You wouldn't know it now . . . that Todd is in there somewhere. Todd and I are two of kind. We were both damaged by Father's actions. Would you believe I was the lucky one? Even a life with Father would have been better than the one Todd had." Viki knelt one more time. She stroked her hand over the headstone one more time. "I love you Joe. Say a little prayer for my brother and me. Okay, honey?" Viki kissed the top of the headstone and headed back to the house to join Sam for some breakfast and then leave for the hospital.
When Susannah got to Todd's room, Viki had already been there for half an hour. "Good morning," Viki whispered. "Sam was here and left just a few minutes ago. He went to his office to take care of a few things. He wants to make sure to be back here by the time our session ends. Now he has two of us to worry about. That's just what he needed."
"Viki, Sam loves you. We always worry about those we love." Susannah had seen in Todd's chart that he had become agitated as the sedative started to wear off. As per her orders, he was sedated again. He had been sleeping peacefully since. His vitals were good. He was still in restraints. Susannah filled Viki in on Todd's condition. "He'll be out for some time yet. Would you like to get started?"
"Now?" Viki asked. She looked at her watch. "It's only nine forty. Wouldn't you like to get some coffee or breakfast or something?"
Susannah smiled and joked, "Trying to buy some time?"
"No, it's not that. It's just . . .” Looking slightly embarrassed Viki admitted, "I guess it is that."
"Viki, if you're not ready or you want some more time that isn't a problem. I don't want you to feel roped into having these sessions. I'm not going anywhere. We can wait if you wish." Susannah did not want Viki to feel forced into therapy.
Viki looked down at Todd. She kissed his forehead and whispered to him, "It's what we can't talk about that is keeping us sick, isn't it sweetheart? We both need to do what we are afraid of." Viki turned to Susannah. "Let's go to your office. I'm ready."
Viki and Susannah sat in the club chairs in the center of Susannah's office. Viki nervously crossed and uncrossed her legs. She tried to rub some warmth into her ice-cold hands.
"Would you like some tea or coffee or anything?" Susannah offered.
"No, thanks," Viki replied.
"Viki, it doesn't matter how many times someone has been in therapy. It is always scary. Why don't we just dive right in and maybe it won't be so bad. Do you mind if I record our sessions?"
"No, of course not. Are you going for the children of Victor Lord tape collection? I don't think either Todd or I will make it to the top ten."
Susannah laughed. "No. I've just never been really fast at taking notes. So, did you sleep well last night?"
"No, not really. I think I sleep better when I can see Todd is all right whenever I open my eyes."
"I understand that, but you know it's not realistic to think that you can spend every night with him. You need to have some down time. When was the last time you went to the office?"
Viki couldn't ever remember. "Kevin is doing a fine job. When there is something that needs my attention or that I have to sign he lets me know. I know it isn't fair to put that burden on him, yet I think he is happy to have something to take his mind off the problems he and Cassie are having."
Susannah held her hand up and cut Viki off. "I understand you are concerned about Kevin and I do want to talk about those concerns, but let's talk about you first. Not about Kevin and not about Todd. Did you get any sleep at all last night?"
"Yes, about three hours. I got up early and went to visit Joe."
"Do you do that a lot . . . visit Joe I mean?"
"Sometimes. Usually when I'm upset," Viki answered honestly.
"Were you upset over Todd or over what happened to you yesterday?" Susannah probed.
"Both. I miss Joe. Even after all this time, I miss him. Please understand, that is no reflection on Sam." Viki felt a twinge of guilt.
"I know that," Susannah gently assured Viki. "Just because someone dies that doesn't mean we stop loving them. I still love my grandparents," Susannah admitted. She fingered her locket. She then asked, "Did you feel better after going to the cemetery?"
"A little. I wish Joe could see the fine young men his sons turned out to be and I wish Joe could have met Todd. I know they would have hit it off. It's funny. As much as Clint disliked Todd, that's how much Joe would have liked him. I believe Todd would have liked Joe too. I think Joe would have admired what Todd did with the Sun. Joe also started from nothing. His family had to struggle for everything they had. He achieved everything through hard work, talent and sheer tenacity. He never asked for help and never took any crap from anyone, especially Father. I think he and Todd would have had a good time taking Father down a few pegs." Viki's smile was warm with the memory of Joe.
"Is that one of the things that attracted you to Joe . . . his ability to stand up to Victor?"
"I'm sure," Viki responded quickly. Still smiling she added, "there were a lot of things that attracted me to Joe. He was so different from other men I had dated . . . not that I dated a lot. Occasionally I dated someone from the country club set, no one who would have been a threat to Father. Joe was the first one."
"Victor was pretty controlling about who you dated," Susannah restated.
"Oh my, yes. He thought no one was good enough for the daughter of Victor Lord. When what it really was that Victor Lord didn't want his daughter to be good for anyone. Oh, how he hated Joe. He tried everything under the sun to keep us apart, one dirty trick after another. My sister Merry tried to warn me. She saw it. I don't know if she realized exactly what was going on, but she used to warn me that Father didn't have my best interests in mind. At the time I didn't understand what she meant. Merry didn't get along with Father. I used to feel bad because he showed me favoritism. I didn't realize that Merry was the lucky one. I think some instinct within her told her that too. Father also hated Larry. For some of the same reasons he hated Joe. Father couldn't control Larry. Joe and Larry had a lot in common. They both worked their way up on their own, although Joe's edges were a little rougher than Larry's. They were both strong and independent and they both took away Victor Lord's property."
"Is that how you still see yourself, as Victor's property"? Susannah reflected.
Viki thought for a moment and then sighed. "Yes, in some ways. I still can't do the things I want to do. I still do not own and control my own life or body completely. Father's poison is still in me."
"That's good Viki. You are aware of that and you want to fix it. That is more than half the battle," Susannah pointed out.
"It's the other half I'm afraid of," Viki confessed with a small nervous smile on her lips.
"I wish I could tell you that therapy isn't scary or painful, but you and I both know better. We never really got into your relationship with Joe during our sessions. Tell me about Joe. Tell me how he made you feel, emotionally and sexually."
