“I think it’s wonderful that they’re starting a Dissociative Disorders unit at Melinda’s hospital. There are so few of them left anymore. I’ll be happy to help in any way I can,” Viki offered immediately. “I’m sure Susannah would be too.”
“Yes, I’m sure she would,” Dorian smiled. “We both know what repressed memories and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder can do to people.” Dorian stopped talking when the server came over. “I’ll just have coffee, please.” Once Viki and Dorian were alone again, Dorian continued. “Take you for instance. Where would you have been when all those horrible memories of what your father did came back to you if you had not had a therapist who specialized in DID?”
“I’m sure I would not have faired as well if I had not had a therapist like Susannah,” Viki agreed. “In fact, I know I would not have. DID is difficult to treat and it is not something most psychiatrists learn that much about. There are still some who believe it doesn’t even exist and others who think it’s far rarer than it is.”
“Having seen what DID has done to you and Todd, I’m certainly a believer,” Dorian stated.
“Yes, it has caused both my brother and me a tremendous amount of suffering, but it has also saved us. I don’t think either of us would have survived if we had not been able to dissociate to the extent we did.”
“I’m sure,” Dorian agreed. “What about memories that stay repressed, even after integration?”
“What do you mean?” Viki asked.
“What if Doctor Hanen, or any therapist that is working with a DID patient was not able to get to all the memories? Do you think there is some unknown alter still there holding those memories or do you think that with some prodding the person can remember the rest on his or her own?”
“I think it could be both. It’s also possible for an alter that has been dormant to surface in times of great stress. It would usually be an alter that handled that type of stress in the past,” Viki explained.
“If you don’t mind me using you as an example,” Dorian asked innocently, “let’s say you were in a sexual situation you couldn’t handle, Niki would be the one to come back, right?”
“Most likely. Niki was the one who handled my sexuality when I couldn’t. She was able to like sex when I couldn’t.” Viki was beginning to feel uncomfortable with the way this conversation was going.
“So if you felt rage you couldn’t handle Tori or Tommy would be the ones to come back?” Dorian pressed.
“Tori, for the most part, handled my rage against father and my unconscious need to know the truth. Tommy’s anger stemmed from a more basic need to protect me. He would go after anyone he sensed was a threat, not just Father or someone who tried to stop me from getting to the truth.”
“I see,” Dorian commented. “So if there were still some kind of truth about something Victor did, buried deep inside you, there is a possibility that Tori could come back?”
“What does any of this have to do with a Dissociative Disorders unit being started at Melinda’s hospital?” Viki asked suspiciously.
“Nothing really,” Dorian admitted. “I just want to find out as much as I can and that was something I was wondering about. Do you think it’s possible that even though Tori was supposedly successfully integrated that she could come back?”
Viki sighed. “It is possible that if a trauma that was not uncovered and digested during my original therapy is still there and Tori wanted me to remember, she could come back. An alter can be become dormant or they can completely disintegrate. Usually if they disintegrate, they don’t come back. Remember, this is the mind we’re talking about Dorian. Anything is possible. Alters can join . . . fuse, so to speak. They can become split off from each other again if that is needed by the system. A new alter can emerge and take on the characteristics of a former alter or carry the former alter’s name.”
“So if let’s say you had this undigested trauma and Tori wanted you to know about it, it is possible that Jean or someone like Jean could come out to keep the truth from you, just like she did about the sexual abuse?”
This all felt much too personal for Viki’s comfort. “Dorian, what is this really about? Why do you want to know about my alters?”
“I don’t. Viki I . . . you are the only one I know who has had DID. So of course I’m going to ask about your alters and your situation.”
Viki wasn’t buying this. “What does any of this have to do with a Dissociative Disorders unit being started? I’m sure if one is, a staff with experience in DID along with other dissociative disorders will be hired. They will not need you to do research for them on DID.”
Dorian laughed nervously. “No, of course they won’t. I don’t know what I was thinking. I suppose I want to be as knowledgeable as possible when I meet with the hospital board.”
Dorian’s ego. This sounded more reasonable to Viki. “They will not expect you to be knowledgeable in this. You were medical doctor, not a psychiatrist.”
Dorian smiled. “You are right again. I can’t argue with that.”
Dorian was being much too agreeable. Viki was feeling more suspicious by the minute. “Is there anything else? If not, I would like to get back to the hosp . . .”
“Yes there is,” Dorian answered a little too quickly. She didn’t know how to bring up what she wanted to ask Viki. So she tried to stall for time. “I was wondering if you’ve heard anything about James Porter or about the checks Victor wrote to him?” Dorian watched Viki closely for any reaction.
“No. Why, have you heard something?” Viki’s tone conveyed her anxiety.
“No, or I wouldn’t be asking you, now would I dear?”
Viki shook her head. Her patience for Dorian was wearing thin. She picked up her cup and took a sip of tea.
“Poor Todd,” Dorian sighed. “It breaks my heart to think that none of this would be happening to him if only Victor hadn’t almost literally ripped him from Irene Manning’s arms and forced her to give him away. Oh my goodness,” Dorian exclaimed when Viki’s hand shook and she spilled some of the remaining tea on herself. Dorian reached over and started to blot Viki’s blouse with a paper napkin.
Viki pushed Dorian’s hand away. “I can do it!”
“I hope it wasn’t still hot,” Dorian declared.
“No, it wasn’t,” Viki said coldly. She wondered why she felt anxious and a little short of breath.
“Are you all right dear?” Dorian asked sweetly.
“I’m fine,” Viki’s voice trembled.
“You look a little pale,” Dorian observed.
Viki looked at her watch. “I’ve been gone from the hospital for longer than I’d hoped I’d be. I told you one of the children was out. Are we finished here?”
“Yes, I didn’t mean to keep you.” Dorian lifted her purse, took some money out and left it on the table. She then stood up. “Please give the little one a kiss from his Auntie Dorian. I do care about all those sweet children that live inside Todd and about Todd. He is my stepson after all.”
Viki felt too sick to comment. She did manage to say, “Let me know if the unit is a go and I’ll send a donation.”
Dorian felt a twinge of guilt. “Thank you Viki. That’s very generous.”
After Dorian left, Viki went to the restroom and splashed some cold water on her face. She was trembling. “Dear Lord, what is it? What is happening to me?” Viki whispered to herself. She decided to have another cup of tea and try to pull herself together before she went back to the hospital.
*****
It took awhile before Blair felt calm enough to go to her car. Just as she was getting ready to stand up and leave, Sam rushed toward her.
“Did something happen to Todd?” Sam asked frantically.
“No, he’s fine. I just left him?” Blair noticed that Sam looked better than he had.
“I was away from the hospital for a while,” Sam stated. “You look upset. I thought something happened to Todd or Andy actually. I knew Susannah planned on taking him in for a session of play therapy.”
“Andy wasn’t out when I was there, Todd was.”
“Todd is back?” Sam seemed surprised.
“He seems a lot stronger, physically,” Blair remarked.
“He is. He’s doing much better, physically and emotionally. He’s had a lot of breakthroughs. Susannah is doing some amazing work with him.”
Blair was shocked by Sam’s last statement. “Are you saying that you’ve gone back to thinking that Susannah is doing right by Todd?”
Sam looked into Blair’s eyes. “We were wrong about her. We were wrong about everything. Todd needs to be here where he can get the best help. He needs to be with his family.”
“Does that include Téa!” Blair asked angrily.
“Look, I know we had our suspicions, but we were wrong at every turn. Just like I was when I thought Téa and Kevin had just made love or were about to. Téa was sick. She fainted.”
Blair felt bile rise in her throat. She felt like she was going to vomit right there, on the lobby floor. Her heart pounded. She knew without Sam as an ally she had no chance in hell of getting Todd home to live with her and eventually with her and Starr.
“Sam, please don’t become blind to what’s happened to Todd since he’s been here. He almost died. He became physically ill. His mental condition worsened. They drug him out of his mind. They tie him down. They’ve allowed Rocky to cut himself to shreds with broken glass. They’ve stood by while Todd bashed his head into something hard enough to cause a concussion. He’s developed epilepsy since he’s been here. They say it’s from an old scar. Is it just a coincidence that this old brain injury never caused seizures until Todd was a patient here? Think about Adam. They torture that little boy when he comes out. Téa may have been sick when you saw her, but she certainly didn’t faint when she and Kevin were both undressed in her hotel room or when she hugged Kevin while her robe was open or saw him to the door nearly naked or when they laughed and toasted each other on a romantic picnic.”
Sam was starting to doubt himself again. He took some calming breaths. “All of that can be explained.”
“Can it Sam?” Blair voice was a mixture of fear and fury. “Can all of that be explained enough to take a chance with Todd’s life?”
“Patients often get worse mentally and physically when they begin therapy,” Sam tried to explain. “Todd has gotten so much better in so many ways now. He wasn’t in the best of health when he was first brought into the hospital. After Georgie died, he went for months without sleeping or eating much and his anxiety levels were high. His health took a downward spiral and it took time to get him back. Blair, he’s getting physically stronger and healthier every day. His latest labs were great and I’m sure you can see for yourself how much weight he’s gained back. No matter how much staff is present it’s impossible to keep a patient from hurting him or herself sometimes. Okay, I’m still not happy about Adam’s program, but he’s not out that often.”
“So it’s okay to torture him when he is? For God’s sake Sam, Adam is only three years old and he can’t communicate. He has no way of protecting himself. What’s changed? Did they get to you too somehow? You sound like Viki when she sings the party line about what a great therapist Doctor Hanen is and what a loving and devoted wife Téa is.”
“Téa almost never leaves Todd’s side except to go home and sleep,” Sam argued. “Sometimes she doesn’t even do that. She makes him happy. The only time he sleeps peacefully is when she’s with him. He seems stronger around her and more mature. She brings out the protective husband in him.”
Blair’s eyes filled with tears as she remembered how she had just tried to comfort Todd as he slept and he had only become more agitated. She flashed on how rough Todd had just treated her. Blair realized he never treated her with the tenderness he was able to show Téa most of the time. Blair remembered how gentle and caring Todd had been with Téa when she hobbled into the courtroom the day she helped Todd get custody of Starr. Blair felt hatred for Téa in her heart. Now even Sam was refusing to see the truth about her. The only way to break that witch’s hold on Todd and everyone else is to get her out of Todd’s life! Blair thought to herself furiously.
“Sam!” Blair spat out. “You’ve been feeling so guilty for not realizing how horribly Todd was abused as a child. You say you can’t forgive yourself for all the times Todd could have been safe instead of being tortured if you’d just heard his cries for help and gotten him out of Peter’s house. You admit that your instincts are not always right. How can you trust that they are now? How will you feel if Todd gets hurt again, on your watch!”
Sam turned pale. Blair had just touched on one of Sam’s greatest fears . . . that he could not trust his own judgment and that Todd would be hurt again while he just stood by and did nothing.
“I-I’m going by what I see with my own eyes,” Sam said without any of the confidence his tone had just a few minutes ago. “Todd is getting better. He’s able to face more and more of the traumas that happened to him. He’s beginning to communicate with the alters and share memories with them and become friends with some of them. There are medical test that show he’s doing so much better physically and I can see his physical strength coming back. Those things are facts.” Sam sounded like he was trying to convince himself along with Blair. “Susannah and the staff here are responsible for most of the improvements in Todd. Susannah loves him. She loves him as if he were her own child. I know that. Téa’s completely devoted to Todd. All she wants is for him to get well so they can have a life and family together. I know that too. I KNOW that,” Sam stated loudly and firmly.
“Then you explain to me, Sam, why Doctor Hanen took five hundred thousand dollars from Asa Buchanan. You just explain that to me!”
Sam stared at Blair in shocked disbelief.
Blair wanted to kick herself for letting it out this way and this soon.
“What the hell are you talking about?” Sam’s voice was low and his breathing was becoming rapid.
“Sam, please. Let’s sit down.”
Sam grabbed Blair’s arm. “Tell me what you’re talking about.”
“Please, I don’t want to do this here. Someone could overhear.”
“You should have thought of that before you said what you just said,” Sam declared angrily. He pulled Blair over to a quiet empty corner of the lobby. He sat down on a couch and pulled her down next to him. “You tell me what you’re talking about right now,” Sam ordered. His jaw was clenched.
Blair’s lips trembled. She took a deep breath. “Sam, I know you’re not going to like this, but I had Doctor Hanen investigated. About a month ago, right before Nora provoked Todd into attacking her and Baby came out, Asa had a half million dollars transferred to Doctor Hanen’s bank account . . . a half million, Sam. What do you think it was for, marriage counseling for him and Renee!”
Sam shook his head. “It’s not true. Su-Susannah wouldn’t take money from Asa to . . . to . . . what . . . hurt Todd . . . is that what you’re saying? You think Asa is paying her to hurt Todd?”
“Think about it Sam. Asa has always hated that Todd got away with writing those things about Bo and taking us hostage and causing him to have a nearly fatal heart attack. He believes he has every right to take justice into his own hands. Bo and Kevin have always hated Todd for what he did to Marty and especially to Nora. Now suddenly Asa gives Doctor Hanen half a million dollars and just as suddenly Nora forgives Todd for everything he ever did to her and Bo is Todd’s friend.”
“Viki,” Sam choked out. “Viki would have known if Susannah was capable of such a thing.”
“Would she?” Blair asked rhetorically. “Viki will always be grateful to Doctor Hanen for saving her sanity. She has never been able to be objective.”
“Susannah’s not . . . she doesn’t care about money. She doesn’t live luxuriously. She doesn’t want to. She has no tolerance for pompous or showy people. She hates parties and dressing up. She has no desire for a big house or expensive cars or jewelry or anything like that.”
“What about Bill Jackson?”
“What about Bill?” Sam had no idea what Blair was getting at.
“He left his job in Chicago to stay here with Doctor Hanen. He has children, doesn’t he? He just bought a house.”
“Rented,” Sam corrected Blair.
“For now! Maybe he needs the money? Maybe she took it to help him? Sam, you’re no innocent babe in the woods. You know that when it comes to money people will do things you’d never dream they would.”
“Like telling a troubled boy who was desperate for a family that he was going to have a child just so you could scam him out of his inheritance,” Sam bitterly accused.
“Yes! Exactly like that,” Blair shot back. “I never wanted to hurt Todd. I needed money and he had it. How do you know it’s not the same with Doctor Hanen . . . although I do believe it’s more for revenge. Nora is her sister for God’s sake . . . her flesh and blood. No matter how much they fought over the years, family is family. I can’t stand Kelly most of the time and I’ve hurt her, but if someone else did, I’d want to get back at them. I’d do anything for Cassie and I’d die to save Mama and Starr. Don’t you think Doctor Hanen might have similar loyalties to Nora?”
Sam stared into space for a minute. Finally his eyes met Blair’s “Do you have any proof of the money transfer?”
“Yes. Matthew Allen is going to subpoena Doctor Hanen and Asa’s bank records.”
Sam’s thoughts were becoming disorganized but he was still able to think clearly enough to state, “None of this makes sense. Asa’s not an idiot and neither is Susannah. They wouldn’t have left a trail that was so easy to discover.”
“You know what an ego Asa has. Most of his schemes were found out. Remember he pretended to be dead once. There was the time he pretended to have lost his mind. Asa is not as smart as he thinks he is. I was able to scam him easily enough,” Blair sounded proud. “Doctor Hanen might believe that no one would ever suspect her and look into her private business or like the PI I hired suggested . . . there’s nothing criminal about taking money from Asa. Doctor Hanen and Asa might believe that it could be explained away if someone should ask.”
Sam felt like he’d been punched in the stomach. He remembered how close to Susannah he’d felt again last night. He thought of how much she had helped him, despite how badly he’d treated her these past couple of months. He thought about the things Susannah said to Pete. She had tried to make things right and get Pete to understand how much he loved him and Todd. Oh my God, is my judgment non existent? Sam thought frantically. He jumped up and started to leave.
Blair grabbed his arm. “Sam! Where are you going?”
“To find Asa. If that son of a bitch paid someone to hurt Todd, I’ll get the truth out of him.”
“No! Sam what are you thinking? You can’t let them know we’re onto them.”
“What the hell are you talking about? You tell me that Asa is paying to keep Todd sick and you think I’m going to sit around with my thumb up my ass doing nothing!”
“Sam, we will do something. We’ll get Todd out of here. But we have to be smart. If you go over to Asa’s and start accusing him they will find some way to cover what they did. If Doctor Hanen is hurting Todd it could mean the end of her career and who knows what else, possibly jail time. You don’t think she’ll just sit by and do nothing. She might try to convince Viki that you’re crazy and that you should have no legal rights to Todd. She might talk Viki into taking Todd to Switzerland. They might even do something to Todd.”
“Are you out of your mind?” Sam asked Blair. “You’re making this sound like some kind of government conspiracy.”
“What if Todd is being given some kind of drug that’s not a regular psychiatric medication? What if they are giving him something to make him seem so disturbed and cause him to have seizures? They might not want that to show should an outside agency test him?”
Sam’s head was spinning.
“Sam, please, I’m begging you. Don’t go off half cocked and do something that could end up hurting Todd or ruining our chance of getting him out of the hospital. The PI and Mr. Allen both said we have to do this legally. I don’t think they will do anything to Todd that they haven’t been doing if they don’t know we’re on to them. We’re close Sam. We’re close to getting Todd out legally. Don’t blow it for him. You need to keep yourself together. If you go before a judge, you have to show them that you are a fit guardian for Todd. We have to show them that Todd will be safe and better off at the penthouse with you and me.”
“What about Viki?” Sam asked softly. His voice sounded distant.
“What about her?” Blair asked.
“I can’t take Todd away from Viki.”
“You wouldn’t be. You’d be taking him away from the hospital, Doctor Hanen, Kevin and Téa,” Blair said Téa’s name like it left a bad taste in her mouth.
“Viki is Todd’s sister. She would give her life for him. She loves him as much as she does her one of her children, maybe more.”
“Viki could come and be with Todd once she was able to see the truth. I know Viki would never allow anyone to hurt Todd, but she is blind to those she trusts Sam. When we can give her proof, then she might believe us. In the meantime her misplaced trust might be causing Todd harm. You’d be helping Viki. She’ll never forgive herself if anything happened to Todd because she trusted the wrong people. If you save her brother, you’ll be saving Viki too. It’s your chance Sam. It’s your chance to make up for everything you’ve been kicking yourself for and it’s coming soon, if you don’t blow it.”
“How could we manage Todd at the penthouse? He could hurt himself or become ill,” Sam asked as if he were in a trance.
“I have a staff lined up . . . a doctor, several nurses and techs. They will be under our control. They will do what we tell them to. We’ll be in charge of what they do or don’t do to Todd and the alters. No one will ever tie them up again or give them drugs that hurt them or put them through programs that torture them.”
“What about Starr?” Sam asked.
“Starr will stay with Dorian until Todd his himself again. That’s the way Todd wants it anyway.”
Sam looked at Blair. His dazed look was replaced with anger. “You . . . you’ve discussed this with Todd?”
Blair knew she had to level with Sam. He’d find out if Todd mentioned it anyway. That didn’t stop Blair from presenting Sam with her twisted version of events. “Todd was sleeping when I got there. He had a nightmare. When he woke up, he started talking about getting out of the hospital. He seemed so desperate. I wanted to calm him down. I let him know that I would try to help him. I let him know that his fears might not be so irrational and that we wanted him to live with us at the penthouse.”
“You let him know that I would be there too?” Sam asked anxiously.
“Of course. You are the one who has legal rights to him.”
“He was okay with that? He wants to live with me?”
Blair took Sam’s hand. “He loves you Sam. Todd wants nothing more than for you to be the father he never had. He was very happy that you would be there. I think he knows it would be a chance for both of you to get things right,” Blair made sure to add.
Sam looked at her suspiciously. “Todd said he was willing to leave Viki and Téa and live at the penthouse with you and me?”
“Well, he did make me promise that Starr would not be there until he was feeling better, but he doesn’t want to be around Viki and Téa right now. He’s afraid he’ll hurt Viki.”
Sam started to protest.
Blair squeezed Sam’s hand. “We know he won’t and once all these drugs are out of his system, Todd will know he won’t hurt Viki and if Viki is willing to see the truth about those she thinks she can trust, she’ll be able to see Todd whenever she wants.”
“Todd wants to walk away from Téa to protect her,” Sam stated.
Blair drew her bottom lip through her top teeth. “Yes, that’s part of it.”
“Part of it?” Sam didn’t understand.
“Todd suspects Téa and Kevin, the same as we do. I had to let him know that he wasn’t being paranoid.” Blair out and out lied.
“No,” Sam shook his head. “No, I would have known . . . okay, he might have mentioned it months ago and little Tom thought . . . but he’s over that . . . Tom adores Kevin now . . . Todd . . . T-Todd and Kevin are on their way to becoming friends . . . like Viki hoped for.”
“Yes, Sam. Don’t you see? ‘Like Viki hoped for.’ Kevin has been trying to look good in his mother’s eyes. You know how he is about wanting Viki’s love and admiration. It kills him that she loves Todd more than she does him. He also wants to throw suspicion off himself and Téa.”
“No. No. No, wait a minute. None of this makes sense. Todd asked Andrew to come here yesterday because he thought he and Téa might still have feelings for each other. Téa and Andrew got through to Todd. They helped him to understand that he is the only man Téa ever loved or wanted.”
“Andrew came here to make things better for Téa?” Blair couldn’t believe this. “What the hell kind of hold does she have on every man in this town!”
“Andrew came here to make things better for Todd. He had no idea Todd wanted to talk about Téa with him,” Sam explained.
“Andrew would be the last one to know if Téa was fooling around with Kevin. He didn’t even know when his own wife was fooling around with Kevin. But, Sam, doesn’t this tell you that Todd realized something wasn’t right between him and Téa?”
Sam thought about it for a moment. He felt confused. “No . . . I don’t know . . . I . . . you know how Todd is. He was testing Téa. He also wanted to protect her and keep her safe. He doesn’t believe she’s safe with him.” Suddenly Sam realized something. “You didn’t tell Todd about those incidences with Téa and Kevin?”
Blair looked down at the floor. She didn’t answer.
Sam’s eyes widened with anger. He grabbed Blair by her upper arms. “You didn’t!”
“Sam, he has a right to know.”
“What the hell are you thinking! You know it’s almost impossible for him to trust anyone and when he’s finally beginning to you tell him that!”
“Do you want him to trust someone who’s out to hurt him?”
“You have no real proof of any of this. Do you realize what you did to him emotionally?”
“I had no real proof about the Buchanan’s paying Doctor Hanen to torture Todd and now there’s five hundred thousand dollars sitting in her bank account courtesy of Asa Buchanan. I know what I saw Sam and I showed you the pictures to prove it!”
“I have to get to Todd,” Sam declared.
“Wait!” Blair pulled on Sam’s arm. “What are you going to tell him . . . that none of this is true? Are you going leave him in a situation that will cause him pain and suffering again!”
Sam looked as if Blair had slapped him.
Blair took her hand away. “Sam I’m sorry. I’m not trying to make you feel worse about allowing Todd to be tortured when he was a child. I just don’t want to see you make the same mistake again. I know how much you want to make things up to Todd.”
“I can never make things up to Todd, no matter what I do.”
Blair took a deep breath. “No, you can’t, but you can keep your promise to keep him safe from now on and to be the father to him that you want to be and the father Todd wants you to be. Sam, Todd seemed very happy at the thought of getting to live with you at the penthouse,” Blair lied.
“He did?” It was clear Sam didn’t believe this.
“He did. I’m not saying he isn’t hurt by what Téa and Kevin are doing, but he’ll get over that. He will never get over having the man he thinks of as a father allowing him to get hurt again.” Blair realized she was playing Sam.
“You didn’t tell him about Susannah?” Sam asked in a trembling voice.
“No, of course I didn’t. I don’t want him to become terrified while he’s here. I don’t want to destroy what little bit of trust Todd has gained. I hope he never has to find out. All he knows is that you’re going to try to get him out of the hospital and take him to the penthouse. He does know to say that’s what he wants if anyone official asks him.”
“You told him to say that?” Sam’s voice sounded far away to him. He felt like he was dreaming.
“It’s what he wants Sam. He wants us to save him.”
“This will destroy Viki,” Sam said slowly.
“No. Viki will understand when she sees how much better Todd does once he’s away from the hospital. When she finds out that her trust in Doctor Hanen was misplaced and almost cost Todd his life, she will be so happy that you saved him. Once Todd is his old self again, Viki will know they were keeping him sick just to torture him.”
“Viki and I were going to take Todd home with us,” Sam muttered. He wasn’t making eye contact with Blair anymore. It was as if he were talking to himself. “We were going to give him the loving parents and nurturing home he never had. Then he was going to have his own life, with Téa. He was going to get everything back.”
“He will Sam. He’ll get his life back. You and Viki can still be loving parents to him. Téa doesn’t deserve a life with him if we are right about her, if we’re wrong, than she will be happy that you saved Todd too. But I know we’re not wrong. We weren’t wrong about Doctor Hanen and this hospital and we’re not wrong about Téa and Kevin. You’ll see Sam. This is your chance to save Todd. You can make up for everything that you didn’t do when he was a child. Sam, are you listening to me?” Blair saw that Sam was staring into space.
“Viki, I have to find Viki and tell her about Susannah.”
“No! Sam, you can’t do that,” Blair exclaimed.
“She has to know. Maybe she’ll want to get Todd out of here now and take him back to Llanfair.”
“No. Viki will confront Doctor Hanen and probably Asa . . . just the way you wanted to. She’s too emotionally attached to Doctor Hanen. She’ll believe anything she tells her and she’ll give them a chance to cover their tracks. Sam, we already decided that it’s best not to let Doctor Hanen and Asa know we’re onto them, remember?”
Sam nodded. He still wasn’t making eye contact with Blair. “Yes,” he whispered.
“Promise me you won’t tell anyone what we discussed here. In fact promise me you won’t even talk to Todd about this unless he brings it up.”
“I-I-I can’t. I . . . I”
“Sam, you’re doing this for Todd. Don’t you want to do anything within your power to save him?”
Sam took a shallow trembling breath. He nodded. “I won’t say anything for now. You tell your lawyer to get some concrete proof that Asa paid Susannah to hurt Todd.”
“Sam, you know he can’t get proof like that. We know the money is in that account. We have to convince a judge that Doctor Hanen could be hurting Todd. Once they know the law is watching them, I don’t think anyone here will do anything harmful to Todd. It should just be a matter of a few more days. Just a few more days Sam and then we can tell Viki and hopefully get Todd the hell out of here.”
“I’m going to see Todd now,” Sam announced softly.
Blair gently placed her hand on Sam’s forearm. “You do that. You go be with Todd. He needs you Sam. He needs you now more than he ever did. I know you won’t fail him this time.”
Sam headed for the elevator without responding to the last thing Blair said in any way.
Blair’s eyes followed Sam until he turned the corner. Her heart went out to him. He had looked so much better when he first walked into the hospital lobby and now his shoulders were once again hunched in despair. His face was lined with pain.
Blair really believed she had changed. She thought she had become a new woman after seeing Todd come so close to dying and learning about what he’d been through in his childhood. Blair hated that she was resorting to lying and preying on Sam’s guilt and depression. I will change. I will, she thought to herself. I’ll be the kind of woman my little girl can emulate and be proud of, once I help her get her daddy back. I’ll become the woman I want to be once I help Todd. I’m doing this for Todd.
*****
“Okay, hon, about another ten minutes and you’ll be all done,” Terry said soothingly to Todd as she administered his feeding through his PEG tube.
Todd had been offered the chance to eat lunch and take his medications by mouth. He refused, but did not put up a fight over the tube feeding or administration of his medications via the tube. He sat in his bed, staring into space. He answered what few questions Terry posed to him with a nod, shrug or shake of his head. He was withdrawn and it seemed his depression had increased again. Terry knew it was common for a patient to have this reaction after a painful disclosure and the kind of intense session Todd had that morning. Still, Terry’s instincts as a nurse told her it was more than that.
Frank came into the room and walked over to the bed. He saw there was a problem too. “Hey buddy, how you doing?”
Todd slightly shrugged his shoulders.
“Sam, is here,” Frank let Todd know. “Do you want to see him now or would you rather wait until after your feeding?”
“Don’t care,” Todd shrugged again and muttered.
“You seem sad to me,” Terry said gently. “Are you feeling sad?”
“Not feeling anything,” Todd mumbled. “Leave me alone.”
Frank squeezed Todd’s shoulder. “So I’m going to tell Sam it’s all right for him to come in, okay?”
“Whatever,” Todd replied and sighed deeply.
Despite his fresh haircut and shave, Sam did not look well. Frank and now Terry didn’t understand what was going on. Sam seemed much better before he left. It was as if something happened to both him and Todd, yet they had not seen or spoken with each other. Andy had been out when Sam left and things were all right between them.
Sam headed straight for Todd. “Hi pal.” Sam reached out to stroke Todd’s head.
Todd pulled away. “Bet you hate it,” Todd mumbled.
“Bet I hate what?” Sam didn’t understand.
“Being stuck with me. You got a real son out there somewhere. Bet you’d rather be with him.”
Sam was shocked. “Boomer, I don’t consider myself stuck with you. I love spending time with you.”
“Don’t call me Boomer . . . and you don’t have to pretend.”
“I’m not. I’m here because I want to be here. I know where Will is and I can be with him if I want to. I’m here with you because it’s my choice.”
Todd smirked. “Yeah, I know all about choices. Andrew and Téa explained all about choices to me.”
Everyone in the room heard the harsh edge to Todd’s tone. Sam was the only one who understood. He knew what Blair had told Todd.
“There you go . . . all done,” Terry announced as she finished flushing Todd’s PEG tube.
Todd slunk down in bed.
“Hon, you can’t lie flat yet,” Terry reminded Todd. “Come on, pull yourself up again.”
“Jesus! I can’t even get comfortable around here! Can I get out of the damn bed!”
“Yes, you know you can sit or stand after a feeding. You just can’t lay flat or you . . .”
“Yeah, yeah, I know! I can choke. What the hell would be so bad about that! It can’t take more than a few minutes before that kills a person.” Todd swung his feet over the side of the bed, away from where Sam stood. “Choice,” Todd mumbled to himself. “Yeah, like I get a choice. You put that goddamn crap into me whether I want it or not. If I tell you I don’t wanna eat, you shove the food into me anyway and if I try to stop you, you’ll hold me down and force it. Some choice!” Todd stood up. “I’m sick of this goddamn place and your goddamn rules and power over me.” Todd spoke loudly now and directed his remarks at Terry and Frank. “You two and everyone else here gets off on it don’t you!”
“Gets off on what?” Frank asked calmly.
“Having power over me! Bossing me around. Making me tow the line. I do what you want me to do or else you force me to do it anyway. What fucking choice do I have! I’m sick of all of this and all of you! I’m sick of this therapy shit.” Todd headed for the door.
“Where are you going?” Terry asked.
“Away from all of you! Don’t worry. I won’t go near the doors and I won’t touch anything sharp and I won’t hurt myself and I’ll remember to ask permission if I want to use the phone or watch T.V. or listen to the radio and I’ll leave the bathroom door open a crack when I piss or take a shit and I’ll let you pump me full of that feeding crap and whatever drugs you wanna give me and I’ll tell you if I’m hearing voices or if I want to hurt myself or if I feel like I’m gonna have a goddamn seizure. You can give me an A in everything. I’ll be the top ranking psycho in this place.”
Todd left his room and began to pace up and down the hallways.
Sam didn’t follow Todd. He lowered himself wearily into a chair in Todd’s room. He knew Todd was acting the way he was because of his talk with Blair. Sam didn’t know what to do. He wanted to let Susannah and the staff know what the problem was so they could help Todd. He knew he couldn’t. If Blair was right about Susannah, that would be the worst thing to do. He hoped he’d get a chance to speak with Todd privately. Sam’s heart raced. It killed him to see Todd suffering like this. A part of Sam wanted to grab Todd and take him out of the hospital right now. Sam tried to force himself to calm down.
Terry went into Susannah’s office and let her know what was going on. Susannah walked out with her and approached Todd.
“Hi Todd,” Susannah began softly. “Can you tell me why you’re pacing?”
“Isn’t that what animals trapped in a cage do?” Todd snapped.
“Do you feel trapped right now?”
“What’d you think!” Todd responded. “I am trapped.” Todd pointed to the doors that led off the unit. “Can I walk through them the way you can or the way any of them can?” Todd waved his hand, encompassing all the staff in the area.
“Why are you so desperate to leave here right now?” Susannah pressed.
“I never wanted to be here, remember! It’s not my choice. Nothing in my life is my choice! You all get to do whatever the hell you wanna do but I have to do what you tell me to do. Jump Todd! Oh how high? Is this high enough? No?” Todd slammed his body against the wall. “How many hours do I have to stand here tonight . . . ten . . . twelve . . . I think the record is nineteen . . . are you gonna make me stand here more than nineteen hours this time?”
“That’s one of the punishments your father did to you,” Susannah stated.
“One of the nicer ones. That was when dear old dad was in a good mood. You’re like him. You’re all just like him. I do what you say or I get punished.”
“How do we punish you?” Susannah asked.
“You shove drugs into me. If I won’t take them you hold me still or tie me down until I do. You force feed me, whether I want that shit or not. You keep me a prisoner here. ‘Away from the doors Todd. You know you’re not supposed to be near the doors,’” Todd mimicked the staff.
“We keep you safe and healthy because it’s our job and because we care very much about you,” Susannah explained again, calmly.
“Yeah, well what if I don’t wanna be kept safe and healthy. I’m a human being and I’m over twenty-one. It’s my body. Shouldn’t I have a right to do whatever the hell I want with it? No one tells any of you what to do. If you leave here and you wanna drink or smoke cigarettes or do drugs or eat crap that’ll give you a heart attack or drive at a hundred miles an hour or fuck your brains out strangers without wearing a rubber you can do it. No one is stopping you. Why don’t I have the same rights! . . . oh yeah . . . I know . . .” Todd continued without giving anyone a chance to answer him. “It’s because I’m a psycho and I have a million people running around in my head and all over the place and I have fits like a mad dog and I’m too crazy to take care of myself. So some fucking judge said Viki and Sam have a right to make decisions for me and they can give you permission to do whatever the hell you want with me.”
“It is because you might not be able to make the best decisions for yourself right now, yes,” Susannah confirmed.
Todd looked into Susannah’s eyes. “I hate you!” He looked around at everyone. “I hate all of you. I don’t need any of you. I did just fine before I ever knew any of you and I can do fine without you. Now leave me alone!” Todd went back to pacing.
Todd was terrified. He didn’t want to leave the hospital and leave everyone he had grown to care about there. His thoughts were organized enough by now for him to realize that he could not control his impulse to hurt himself and lash out at others. He was more cognizant of the time he lost and aware that he was not simply sleeping during this time. He did not want to be out of this protective environment until he was under control. The glimmers of hope he had when he was with Téa made Todd want to get well. Now he believed the chances of recovery along with that hope were gone.
Unconsciously Todd was desperately trying to distance himself from Susannah, the rest of the staff, Téa, Viki, Sam and Kevin because he knew he would soon be separated from them. He had no idea that the anger he was feeling stemmed from Susannah, the staff, Viki, Sam, Kevin and Téa not somehow knowing what he and Blair were planning and stopping them. Just the way Todd knew his mother gave up the fight for him, unconsciously, he felt those he loved and wanted to love him were doing the same. Unconsciously too, Todd also felt everyone hated him because they found out what he let his father do to him and what he did to his mother. He still could not accept that it wasn’t his fault.
Susannah motioned for everyone to hold back and give Todd some space. She wondered if the last session he had triggered this. Susannah motioned Frank and Terry over to the nurses station. “Was Todd this agitated from the moment he woke up or did something that happened after that to trigger this?”
Frank told her about Blair’s visit.
“Did they have an argument?”
“Not as far as I know,” Frank answered. “They were speaking very low. I couldn’t hear most of what they were saying. Blair was partially blocking my view, but Todd didn’t even get out of bed the entire time she was there. He sat up at one point. That was it.”
“Did Blair mention any problem with Starr that she might have told Todd about?” Susannah probed.
Frank and Terry exchanged looks and shook their heads. “Not to us,” Terry answered for both of them.
They all looked up when they heard someone buzzing to be let in. They saw it was Téa. Terry buzzed her in.
Téa walked to the nurses station.
“How is Carlotta?” Susannah asked.
“She’s in pain, but she was willing to take the pain meds the doctor prescribed and it’s tolerable. She was less agreeable about the temporary live-in help I got for her. I finally got her to try coping with someone taking care of her for at least a couple of days. She knew I wanted to get back to Todd and she knew the only way I would leave her is if she had someone to take care of her. I think she agreed more for my sake than for hers,” Téa said with obvious love and respect for Carlotta in her voice. “How’s Todd?”
“Not very good at the moment,” Frank responded.
Fear replaced the smile on Téa’s face. “What happened?”
“We don’t know. Right now he’s very agitated and angry. He had a very good, but traumatic session. He’s communicating with Andy and sharing many of Andy’s memories,” Susannah filled Téa in.
“Oh my God that must be it,” Téa stated. “Andy holds so many painful memories.”
“We’re not sure. He also had a visit with Blair.”
“Blair!” Téa exclaimed irately. “What the hell did she do to him now?”
“Téa calm down,” Susannah instructed. “We don’t know that she did anything. From what we can tell their visit was quite and uneventful. A while after Blair left, Sam returned and went in to see Todd. Todd seemed angry with Sam from the moment he saw him. He seemed angry with all of us and angry about being here and complained that he had no rights.”
“Where is he now? Téa asked.
“He’s pacing up and down the hallway between the dayroom and my office,” Susannah replied.
“Can I go talk to him?”
Susannah shrugged. “You can try. I do want you to leave if he becomes even more agitated.”
Téa nodded. “I will.” Téa was furious. She didn’t know what, but she knew in her heart that Blair had done something to set Todd off.
