Todd froze for a moment. He turned and glared angrily at her. “I don’t need you here. Why don’t you go back and help Carlotta some more.” Todd’s tone and the smirk on his face clearly indicated that he did not believe that’s where Téa was.

“I hired someone to stay with Carlotta. This is where I want to be,” Téa proclaimed adamantly.

“This is not where I want you to be! I’ve told you that a thousand times! What am I going to have to say to get through to you?”

“Can you tell me what has gotten you so upset?”

“I’m not upset. I’m just tired of not having any goddamn rights around here. Jesus! I had more rights in Statesville. I told you and I told them. I don’t want you here and here you are with your questions and that bullshit look of love and concern in your eyes.”

Todd’s words stung Téa. “I think you know how much I truly love and care about you. What happened to make you doubt that or act like you doubt that? Did Blair say something to you?”

Todd looked into Téa’s eyes. His stare was intense. “Does Blair know something about you that makes you nervous?”

Téa’s anger increased. She had no doubt now that Blair said something to Todd that triggered this. She was also angry with Todd for believing anything that Blair had to say about her. Téa moved closer to Todd. She pulled herself to her full height and stared into his eyes just as intensely. “No. There is nothing Blair or anyone knows about me that would make me nervous in any way.”

“If you say so,” Todd mumbled. He walked away from her and toward the dayroom.

Téa rushed after him. She grabbed his arm. “Don’t walk away from me.”

Todd looked at her and then called out to Susannah. “Hey, I think you have another candidate for therapy here. You see Téa can’t stand to have anyone walk away from here because that’s what Mama Delgado did to her.”

Anger emanated from Téa’s being. “No Todd. I don’t give a damn if some people walk away from me. I do when you do it.”

“And why is that, because I’m so sweet and cuddly to be around? Oh no . . . wait . . . let me guess . . . it’s because of what a great lover I am. You just burn with passion every time you’re around me.”

“No.” Téa said firmly. “You’re as cuddly as a cactus and usually as sweet as a lemon.” Her voice turned softer. “But you do make me burn with passion Todd.”

Todd’s face filled with fury. “Don’t mock me.”

Téa looked into his eyes. “I’m not. Even after all this time and everything we’ve been though together, don’t you even have a clue what you do to me . . . what no man I’ve ever been with has ever been able to do to me. You excite me. You make me feel like I’m out of control. So much so that I’m frightened of what I’m feeling because it’s so intense. You make my body feel things with just a look that other men couldn’t make me feel with everything they had.”

Téa’s words stunned Todd. Not only because he didn’t know she felt that way and he wasn’t sure if he could believe that she really did, but also because they so mimicked his feelings. Being around Téa made Todd feel things he never felt before, things that terrified him. Todd’s body responded to Téa in ways he didn’t want it to. His fear of hurting her increased tenfold when he often felt himself become aroused just being near her.

Todd remembered how he warmed Téa’s hands in his as they stood in that room at The Bayberry Inn. He’d never experienced these kinds of feelings before. Sex with every other woman Todd had been with had been about power and control. Todd wanted to feel either powerful and in control, like with girls in college that he had been able to be sexual with or he felt like he had no power at all and was willingly letting himself be used, like with Blair. With Téa it was different. He never felt the need for power when he was with her and while he still had some control and jealousy issues, even with Téa, for the most part the last thing he wanted was for Téa to be under his control. To Todd it would have been like crushing the spirit of a wild bird. He loved to watch Téa spread her wings and soar.

Todd’s fear was that despite all of this, he would not be able to control the monsters and demons that he felt deep inside him. He was terrified of losing control and hurting Téa. He could not believe that the sexual arousal he was feeling would not turn into violence and a need for power, everything that Peter Manning taught Todd sex was all about. Todd never felt submissive around Téa, so he reasoned that it had to go the other way. He believed that his desire would turn to something vile and dangerous. Todd remembered the session he had with Dave. He wanted to believe what Dave told him was true. Todd’s fear overpowered that. He believed that what was true for ‘regular human beings’ was not true for him.

Like it had at that room at The Bayberry Inn, the passion Téa stirred in Todd made him want to run, as far away from her as he could. The problem was he could never get far. His need for her in his life . . . for her mind . . . her humor . . . the way she got him like no one else ever had . . . the way she made him feel safe . . . ‘like being in this big Delgado cocoon,’ Todd would think to himself . . . the way she made him feel like anything was possible, even becoming the person he wanted to be, all kept Todd from running too far. Todd desperately wanted to let Téa in, but he could only allow her in so far and then his fear would cause him to shut the door again.

Now he knew he had to run. Even if what Blair told him wasn’t true, Todd reasoned it should be. Téa deserved a life with someone normal and safe, even if that someone were Kevin.

Todd took a step back from Téa. “What about fear? I make you feel that too, don’t I? How about disgust? Oh let’s not forget pity. Saint Téa, standing by her poor psycho husband. Maybe your grandmother can have a Saint Téa statue made in your honor or they can erect one to you in front of City Hall.”

“You’re not going to drive me away,” Téa stated calmly and firmly. “If you want to put up wall after wall between us, fine. I’ll still be here when you’re ready to take the wall down. I can tell you one thing right now pal. You won’t get rid of me. No matter what you say or do, it won’t work. I’ve told you that, showed you that, and proven to you over and over again that I want to be here. I’ve also told you that if you need me to say it and prove it hundreds of times over I will.”

“Why? You one of those martyrs? That’s a way to get to be a saint too, isn’t it? Oh I get it? Yeah. Stupid me.”

Téa stared into Todd’s eyes. “Get what?”

“Why Andrew couldn’t be your choice. He’s too good. You wouldn’t be able to get off on being a saint and a martyr if you were with Andrew. No, maybe that’s why you’d go for someone who treated you like dirt.”

Téa didn’t understand. “What are you talking about now?”

Todd and Téa heard the buzzer to the unit. Todd stepped away and looked toward the doors. His heart was pounding. He thought Blair might have found a way to get him out of the hospital right away. He wasn’t ready. Todd saw it was Rachel.

Susannah forgot that she told Rachel to stop by. She had some books on working with autistic children that she wanted to give her. Susannah was about to step out into the hallway and tell Rachel that this wasn’t a good time to be on the unit when Todd walked to where they could see him and waved Rachel in. He then headed back to where Téa stood.

Rachel exchanged looks with her aunt. “That looks like Todd. Is he the one who’s out?” Rachel whispered.

“Yes,” Susannah replied.

“Why does he want to see me?” Rachel asked under her breath.

“I don’t know,” Susannah answered. “Todd has been very angry for a while now. Rachel, you don’t have to do this. I’ll tell him this is not a good time for him to visit with you.”

Rachel thought for a second. “No. I’ll talk to him. I owe him.” Rachel wondered if Todd wanted to confront her. She had not spoken with him since the night he got her to confess she killed Georgie. Rachel could not get over the amazing difference. She knew immediately that this was Todd and not Timmy, Adam or anyone other than Todd.

“Do you want me or one of the techs to be near you?” Susannah offered.

Rachel saw Téa there. “No. I’ll be okay.” Rachel walked to where Todd and Téa stood. She could see for herself that he seemed angry. Rachel squeezed Téa’s hand. “Hi girlfriend.” She turned to Todd. “How are you Todd?”

Todd smiled a smile that always made Rachel’s skin crawl. “Peachy keen, and how are you?”

“I’m all right.” Rachel looked into Todd’s eyes and looked away. She felt uncomfortable. She couldn’t hold back. “I-I’m sorry Todd. I’m sorry I didn’t speak up. I’m sorry I almost let you go to prison for what I did.”

Todd stared at Rachel. It was almost as if he had no idea what she was talking about and then suddenly remembered. He looked frightened and quickly said, “Yeah, I understand why you didn’t want to go there. Prison sucks. I don’t want to talk about that.” Todd paused for a moment, collected himself, and then continued on his mission. “You here to compare notes with Téa?” Todd asked Rachel.

“What?” Rachel was bewildered.

“Let’s see . . . now what is it that you both have in common . . . well, you were roommates . . . nah that’s not it . . . you both like to sing the ‘Todd the Loser’ song . . . nah that’s not it either, besides, the third member of your trio isn’t here . . . I know!” Todd slapped his palm against his forehead. “You’ve both fucked Kevin Buchanan.”

“Wha . . .” Rachel had a look of disgust on her face.

Todd moved closer to Rachel.

“Hey, it’s okay. Kevie and I are family. Heck, we’re almost brothers, just like Wally and the Beav. You and Téa can talk about Kevin here . . . compare those little things he does that make you both go weak in the knees. Hey, maybe Kevin is into two chicks at once. I’ll have to ask him. Just think how great that can be. You can both do Kevie and then go shopping together or do some other girly crap.”

“You are . . .” Rachel caught herself before she said more.

“Go ahead! Say whatever you were gonna say. Maybe this time you can get through to your girlfriend here. You tried to talk her out of marrying me. You didn’t do a good enough job. You have lousy powers of persuasion Gannon. I can see why you couldn’t cut it in law school.”

“Todd, stop it,” Téa spoke up. “Whatever is making you so angry has nothing to do with Rachel. Don’t take it out on her.”

Todd ignored Téa. He moved in toward Rachel. “Rach, if I were you,” he whispered. “I’d keep a close eye on Kevie.”

Rachel remembered the digs Blair made the other night. She glanced in Téa’s direction. Téa gave no indication that she felt guilty or even knew what Todd was referring to. Rachel tried to keep calm and not let Todd get to her. She knew he was ill, but Damn, she thought. He still gets to me the way he always did. I don’t know how Téa is able to love him the way she does. Rachel was able to totally separate the affection she had for Adam, Timmy and the baby from her feelings of immense dislike for Todd.

“Why don’t you just let me worry about Kevin,” Rachel said to Todd.

Todd shrugged. “Suit yourself.” He faced Téa again. “Now that your good friend is here . . .” Todd said the words ‘good friend’ as if that were the farthest thing from the truth . . . “why don’t you do something with her and leave me the hell alone.”

“Rachel,” Téa began. “Will you please excuse us? Todd and I need to finish talking.”

“Of course,” Rachel immediately agreed. She turned to Susannah. “I’ll come back for those books some other time.”

“I think that would be best,” Susannah concurred.

Todd applauded. “Wow, and here I thought Téa was just trying to be the boss of me. Now I see that she’s in charge of you and everyone else. Way to go Delgado. Looks like everyone is paying attention to the janitor’s daughter.”

Todd desperately wanted to get Téa angry enough so she’d leave him, no matter what her promises were. Now that he knew he might have the chance, he didn’t believe he’d have the strength to leave her when the time came. It wasn’t even what Blair said that made Todd so determined. In his heart, the trust Téa was able to instill in him kept him from truly believing Blair. It was what Bitsy and Saber said to him and his own ominous feelings that preyed on his mind. He was sure that the unseen danger lurking everywhere was getting closer and closer to those he loved, especially Téa. Todd was willing to do or say whatever it took to drive her away.

Rachel ignored Todd’s last remark. “Todd, I’m happy that you seem to be feeling stronger,” she said honestly. Addressing Téa, Rachel added, “I’ll call you.”

“You do that Rachel,” Todd called after her, “if you can tear yourself away from Kevin sexual prowess. It’s a good thing for both of you that Kevie seems to have a thing for dark meat.”

Rachel halted for a moment. Then she continued on to the doors that led off the unit without another word to anyone.

Téa faced Todd.

He smiled that smile she knew so well. It was the one Todd always smiled when he knew he had acted in a completely unacceptable manner just to push someone’s buttons.

“That was charming,” Téa remarked.

“Wasn’t it,” Todd said sweetly. “I think when we have that dream life you’re always talking about we should definitely invite Rachel and Kevin over. In fact, we should invite Andrew and Cassie at the same time. Once I leave the room, just think of all the possibilities. It boggles the mind, even a crazy mind like mine.”

Téa moved closer until she was only a few inches away from Todd. “Why are you acting so obnoxious, even by your standards?”

“What’s a matter, Téa, did you forget what the real me is like? They’ve been doing something to me all this time with their drugs to make it seem like I was this helpless lunatic and that I had all these nice sides. This is the real me! This is the me you’re gonna get for the rest of your life so you’d better get used to it.”

Téa looked into Todd’s eyes. She saw pain so deep it seemed like a bottomless well. “This isn’t the real you and you know it. This is the you that feels frightened and vulnerable and goes into a full-fledged assault to protect yourself. This is the you that wants to show everyone the worst you have to offer and dare them to still love you and stay with you. The question is why. Why are you feeling that way now? Did something happen today?”

Todd stared back into Téa’s eyes. They drew him in the way they always did. They sent out waves of love. They made Todd feel like everything could be all right and safe. Téa’s eyes made him want to hold on to her and never let her go. He quickly turned his back to her.

“Todd,” Téa said softly. “If you can’t talk to me about what you’re feeling, will you tell Doctor Hanen or Frank or someone?”

“I’m not feeling anything,” Todd lied.

“I think you are,” Téa contradicted him. She rested her hand on his shoulder. She felt Todd’s body tremble. “Querido, what is it? I promise that nothing you tell me will make me stop loving you or leave you.”

Todd took a deep breath. He gathered all his strength and faced Téa again. “That’s just it! I don’t know what to say any more to get rid of you. I’ve tried everything I know and you’re like having gum stuck to my shoe! How the fuck do I scrape you off! You wanna know what has me so upset today. I did what I’m supposed to do. I examined my feelings.” The way Todd said the word feelings was dripping with sarcasm. “What I realized was that I don’t love you. I needed you. That’s not the same as love. I don’t wanna hurt you, De . . . Téa! I tried to love you. I tried getting rid of you nicely. It didn’t work. I don’t wanna have to spend the rest of my life with someone I don’t love.”

Téa felt hot tears sting her eyes and spill down her cheeks.

“Look,” Todd continued. “I was trying to avoid all this, the tears and all that shit. I’m sorry. I’m not trying to hurt you, but you just won’t let go.”

What frightened Téa was that Todd sounded so calm and rational. She couldn’t feel how hard his heart was pounding as he continued to lie to the woman he loved with all his heart and soul. “Todd I know something happened today to make you feel that you need to push me away again. I won’t let you do that. I love you and I know that you love me.”

Todd averted Téa’s eyes. “Man, you are a martyr. You really get off on being hurt don’t you? All right! You wanna know what happened today. I’ll tell you.” Todd took a deep breath and then began to speak quickly, barely pausing to take a breath. “You were right. It does have something to do with Blair. It has everything to do with Blair. She came here and we talked about stuff. We realized that we never stopped loving each other. That’s what has me so upset. I didn’t know how to tell you. If I ever leave this loony bin it’s Blair I wanna go home to and Blair I wanna spend the rest of my life with. We’re getting back together. I didn’t want to have to tell you this, at least right now. I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. You were there when I needed you and I appreciate that. I’ll always be grateful for everything you did for me and for Shorty.”

Susannah and the staff close enough to hear were as shocked as Téa. Not only by what Todd said, but because his demeanor remained the same, calm and rational, his facial expression sincere.

“You want to get back together with Blair?” Téa’s tone was disbelieving.

“Yes,” Todd said softly. “I realized today that I never stopped loving her.” Todd swallowed hard. He used every bit of strength he had to hold himself together and get the words out. “She’s the only woman I ever really loved. I want a divorce. You can draw up the papers and give yourself any kind of settlement you want. I won’t fight it and I’ll make sure to tell Viki and Sam not to fight it. If you want the penthouse, Blair, Starr and I can find somewhere else to live. So you don’t have to worry, even if you use up that five million, you’ll still be a rich woman.”

“You think I want more of your money?” Téa asked in a voice that trembled with pain and fury.

“I think you’re entitled to a lot of it after everything you’ve done for me. Think of it as a bonus.”

“A bonus,” Téa repeated. Todd glanced into Téa’s eyes. He saw the pain he’d just caused. He had to force himself not to pull her to him, hug her and never let go. He quickly looked away again. Todd knew he succeeded this time. He had to push forward. “Yeah, you know, for a job well done. You’ve helped me in a lot of ways. I think Blair will be grateful to you too. I’ll be a better husband to her.”

Téa trembled. “You want a divorce. YOU’VE GOT ONE! You can take your settlement and your bonus and shove it! You can go back to Blair and be her bundle of fear and rage. Let her deal with you. You don’t have to worry about having me stuck to the bottom of your shoe Todd. I’M UNSTUCK! FOREVER!”

“Téa,” Susannah walked over and spoke softly. “This might not be the best time for you to respond to this.” Susannah placed her hand on Téa’s forearm. “Will you go to my office and we can talk . . .”

“I don’t need to go to your office,” Téa cut Susannah off. She pulled away from her. “What I need is to get the hell out of here. What I need is to forget about this place and everyone and everything in it!”

Todd’s hands were clenched into tight fists. He didn’t know how much longer he could hold it together. “So I can tell Blair that you’ll give me my freedom?” Todd deliberately added.

Téa got right into Todd’s face. “Yes you can tell Blair that you have your freedom. You can tell Blair that I don’t give a shit what happens to either one of you. You can both go to hell for all I care! I hope I never have to lay eyes on you or the love of your life again!” Téa pushed past Susannah as she rushed to the doors that led off the unit.

Nancy, who had been able to hear bits and pieces of what had happened from her post at the nurses station looked to Susannah for instruction.

Susannah nodded. She had no choice but to let Téa go. She would call her as soon as Téa had a chance to calm down and regroup. For now, Susannah knew she needed to stay with Todd, he was not going to be in good shape.

“Todd, I’d like you to come to my office with me,” Susannah gently requested.

“I don’t feel good. Can I go to my room for a while?” Todd asked weakly.

“Yes. I want Frank inside your room with you though. He won’t bother you. He’ll just sit there quietly.

Todd nodded. “I don’t care. I just want to go to my room.” Todd suddenly remembered. “If Sam is still in there, will you tell him to leave? I don’t wanna talk to Sam right now.”

Susannah turned to Terry. “Please ask Sam to go to the dayroom. Tell him I want to speak with him.”

*****

As soon as the buzzer sounded, Téa pushed the doors open with all her might and rushed down the hall.

Just as Téa rounded the corner to the elevator bank, Viki came walking toward her. She immediately saw something terrible had happened.

Téa tried to rush past Viki.

“Téa, my God, what happened? Please. Tell me. Is it Todd? Did something happen to Todd?”

“YES IT’S TODD!” Téa screamed at her. In a lower voice she added, “He’s your problem now Viki. Yours, Sam’s, Kevin’s and Blair’s, especially Blair’s, and she’s welcome to him!”

Viki took Téa’s hand “Honey, what happened? Is Blair here? Did the two of you have a fight?”

Téa pulled away. She saw the elevator had come. “Hold the door,” she called to the two people already in the elevator.

“Téa, tell me what happened,” Viki pleaded.

“Ask your brother!” Téa called to Viki.

Viki rushed to Todd’s unit.

*****

Sam seemed lost in thought when Terry walked into Todd’s room. He didn’t protest when Terry told him Todd wanted to be alone. He simply stood up and followed Terry to the dayroom. Sam had been vaguely aware of raised voice several minutes ago. He was too lost in his own confusion to grasp that there was a problem with Todd.

“Are you all right?” Terry asked Sam in a worried tone.

Sam nodded. “Yeah.”

Terry didn’t think so. She wondered if what was going on with Sam related to what was going on with Todd. “Can I get you anything?” Terry offered.

“No. No thank you. I’m okay,” Sam said in a disconnected tone. He went to stare out the window.

*****

Frank sat by the small table in Todd’s room. Todd sat on his bed for only a few seconds when, like Sam, he went to stare out of his window. Like the one in the dayroom, it faced the street where the main entrance to the hospital was located. Todd approached the window cautiously. He wanted the solace staring out the window could once give him. He feared he would suffer what Susannah referred to as depersonalization and derealization. Todd desperately did not want those feelings to come back, especially right now. He was thankful that everything looked normal for now.

*****

Viki rushed over to the nurses station the second she was buzzed onto the unit when she saw Susannah, sitting there and writing in Todd’s chart.

“Susannah, what happened? I just saw Téa near the elevator. She was terribly upset and angry. She acted as if she were washing her hands of Todd.”

Susannah closed the chart and handed it to Nancy. “Viki, let’s go to my office and talk.”

“Where’s Todd?” Viki asked anxiously.

“He’s resting in his room. He wants to be alone. Frank is with him. I don’t think he can handle being with family right now.”

Viki’s lips trembled as she followed Susannah to her office. Dear Lord, what now? Viki thought to herself as she walked down the hallway.

*****

Téa could hardly see past her fury and tears by the time the elevator stopped at the lobby. Curious eyes stared at her as she ran to the doors that led to the street.

“Hey,” Kevin blocked Téa’s way by placing his hands on her upper arms. Téa had not even seen Kevin out on the street as he walked toward the hospital entrance. He had arranged to meet with Rachel and take her to lunch after her meeting with Susannah. Kevin then planned to see if he could visit with Todd for a while and spend some time with his mother too.

“Let go!” Téa cried out.

“No.” Kevin held Téa tightly. “Tell me what happened. Did something happen to Todd?”

“No! Something happened to me! I realized what and idiot I am. I realized that I just wasted two years of my life.”

“What the hell happened?” Kevin asked again.

“Ask Todd! Ask Blair! Leave me alone. I want you and your whole damn family to just leave me alone!”

“Blair? Did she do something to hurt you or hurt Todd?”

Téa didn’t answer. She was standing there trembling. Tears poured down her cheeks. She gasped as she tried to catch her breath.

“Téa please, let’s go inside and sit down,” Kevin said as calmly as he could. He was scared out of his mind.

“No. I just want to get away from here.” Téa looked up and down the street. “Oh, God. I forgot where I parked my car.”

Kevin tightened his grip on her arms. “I’m not letting you drive in this condition.”

“Who the fuck do you think you are to let me do or not do anything! I’m through with all of you. Let go!”

“No!” Kevin said firmly. “You can either come back inside with me and tell me what happened or we can go sit in my car and you can tell me in private.”

Téa struggled to free herself.

“For God’s sake Téa, please, what happened? You’re acting like someone or something just ripped your heart out.”

Téa felt weak. She stopped struggling.

Kevin pulled her into hug. He could tell she was in agony. “Téa, what is it? Did Todd or one of his alters hurt you? Did something happen with one of the children?”

A loud sob escaped from Téa’s throat. “Oh my God, Kevin, I love him so much. How am I going to stop loving him? How am I going to spend the rest of my life without him?”

Kevin held Téa tightly. He knew something terrible must have happened. “Shhh, okay. Shhhh. It’ll be all right. Téa I promise. It’ll be all right. Shhhhh.” Kevin kissed the top of her head. “Whatever it is, I’ll help you get though it. We all will. We’re your family. Shhhhh.”

Téa cried in Kevin’s arms for several minutes. She couldn’t speak.

Kevin stroked her head and gave her silent comfort.

Finally Téa’s sobs eased. She was too worn and too angry to cry anymore.

Kevin stroked Téa’s head again. “You okay?”

Téa laughed at the irony of Kevin’s question. “Why wouldn’t I be okay, the most important part of my life has just been taken away from me. I’ve been played for a fool and my heart is broken. Are those any reasons not to be okay?”

Kevin pulled out his handkerchief and handed it to Téa. “Yeah, they sound like some good reasons not to be okay to me. Want to go to my car to talk?”

Téa nodded. “Can we drive away from here? I really don’t want to be near this hospital right now.”

“Sure, whatever you want,” Kevin agreed.

Kevin put his arm around Téa’s waist and guided her to his car, parked just a few car lengths form where they stood.

Neither Téa nor Kevin was aware that Todd and Sam were watching them from the windows they stared out of.

*****

“So you think Todd staged this whole thing to drive Téa away because of the terror he has of hurting her?” Viki asked after Susannah had filled her in on everything that had occurred since she left.

“Yes,” Susannah confirmed. “It was an unfortunate series of events. The memories coming back to Todd seem very real to him and like they are happening right at that moment. Reality goes in and out for him when that happens. He is traumatized by regaining many of Pete and Andy’s memories. He’s having a very difficult time believing that nothing that happened was his fault. He understands it intellectually, but the feelings of guilt are still very strong. Even when he is able to accept that he was powerless to stop anything that happened, he feels guilty for that. He feels he’s to blame because he was powerless and he should have been stronger. He’s just as afraid of himself and what he could do when he has power over someone, like he did Marty and Carol. Todd has placed himself in a no win situation. We have to work with him to change that mind set. The wounds the original trauma caused never healed and now they are torn completely open again. Hopefully this time we can help them heal properly and fully.”

Viki remembered all too well what that felt like to have those old wounds opened up again by recovered memories. She remembered that as much as she desperately wanted Clint and her children and friends to be there for her, she also felt a need to push everyone away. She felt dirty and vile and not good enough to be around those she loved. “I’m afraid Téa believes that Todd does want to get back with Blair. Other than when Todd nearly died, I never saw her so upset. Todd crushed her.”

Susannah sighed. “I think when Téa has a chance to calm down, she will realize that Todd either didn’t mean a word he said or at least have some doubts about it and confront him again. Right now she is dealing on a purely emotional level. Téa has always had some insecurity about Blair. Todd knows this.” Susannah laughed sadly. “Sometimes Todd is too smart for his own good. He tried every other way he could think of to get Téa to leave him. She didn’t. This time he used the one thing he knew Téa might believe. He knew her vulnerabilities and pounced on them.”

Viki nodded. “Todd has always been good at zeroing in someone’s weakness and using it. He learned to do that from the best . . . Peter Manning. He knew it would work because Blair did visit with him today.”

“Yes, exactly,” Susannah agreed. “The timing of Blair’s visit was unfortunate. It came when Todd was desperate to get Téa to leave him.”

“You don’t think Todd actually told Blair he wanted to get back together with her?”

“If you’re asking me if I think Todd is still in love with Blair, no I don’t. I think Todd will always have some love and affection for Blair. Todd does not stop loving someone he once loved. But the form of that love changes. I do think that Todd is not afraid of hurting Blair or using her and that if he were out on his own, he very well might go back to Blair to save Téa. Todd’s thought processes are altered by his illness and by his fear for those he loves. In his mind that might be the right thing to do.”

Viki shook her head. “Thank God Todd is not out there on his own at this time. I pray that by the time he is ready to be discharged he will not be afraid of himself and realize that he will not hurt those he loves. I also hope Todd will have learned to stop shooting himself in the foot and sabotaging every change for happiness he ever gets.”

Susannah smiled. “Those are some of the goals of therapy. Todd needs to be free from dangerous behaviors before he can be discharged. The things you’re talking about are much more complex and Todd might not be free of those when he is discharged. Hopefully, through continued therapy, he will be free of those behaviors too someday.”

“Susannah, do you think I should find Téa and talk to her?” Viki asked.

“Not right now. I think Téa needs some time to calm down.”

Viki shook her head again. “I’m sorry. I care about Blair and I know she’s Starr’s mother, but sometimes I just wish she would stay away from Todd. She has caused him so much pain over the years. Do you think she could have said something to trigger this even more than the therapy session did?”

Susannah shrugged. “It’s possible. Frank did say Blair seemed upset when she left. It might even be possible that Todd brought this up and that’s why Blair was upset.”

Viki nervously played with a bracelet she was wearing. “You don’t think Téa will go out and do something foolish, like start divorce proceedings?”

“I hope not. I honestly don’t think so. Todd caught her off guard. I think once Téa calms down she will begin to question this and not accept it so easily.”

“I pray you’re right,” Viki stated. “If Todd loses Téa, he’ll never get over it.”

Susannah noticed the depth of sadness in Viki’s eyes. “You’re afraid of losing Téa in your life too, aren’t you?”

Tears welled in Viki’s eyes and spilled down her cheeks. She nodded. “I love Téa like a daughter. No, I don’t want to lose her either.”

*****

“Oh my God, Blair is right,” Sam said out loud as he watched Téa and Kevin through the window. Anger quickly replaced everything else Sam was feeling. He rushed out of the dayroom and shouted to Nancy to let him out of the unit. When the elevator didn’t come quickly enough, Sam ran down the stairs in his rush to confront Téa and Kevin. “You’re not going to do this to Todd,” Sam vowed furiously on the way down.

By the time Sam got to the street, Kevin had already pulled out of his parking spot and driven away.

“DAMN!” Sam shouted. His legs felt weak as the impact of running down seven flights of stairs and everything he’d been through that day hit him. Sam dragged himself to one of the benches in front of the hospital and sat down with a thud. He looked up to the heavens. “Please help me know what to do. Please! Oh God, help me do the right thing.” With his elbows resting on his knees, Sam lowered his face to his hands and wept.

*****

“Man! Todd told you that, and he spoke to Rachel that way?” Kevin couldn’t believe it when Téa told him what had transpired.

Téa began to calm down. “He had a very traumatic session today. Andy’s memories came back to him.”

“Yeah well . . .” Kevin was about to say ‘too bad’ as some of his old negative feelings for Todd surfaced. Then he thought about just what it was Todd remembered. “Oh God, I don’t know what to think.” Kevin looked into Téa’s pain filled brown eyes. “One thing I know for sure. You can’t take Todd’s word on what he told you today.”

“You think he was making the whole thing up? Téa asked with a minuscule amount of hope in her voice.”

“What’d you think? Blair comes to visit and she and Todd suddenly hash out old times. If Todd made any kind of promises to Blair, I would bet that she manipulated him into it. But honestly, I don’t think it even came to that . . . yes, I think there is a very good chance that Todd made it up. You know how he gets when he remembers things. He starts to feel dirty and unworthy of anyone’s love, least of all yours. He becomes terrified for you. Look how long it took him to stop being afraid to touch people and to allow them to touch him. He gets these ideas stuck in his mind and he can’t get rid of them or it takes him time to.”

Téa thought about what Kevin just said. She realized it was all true. “Oh God, I don’t know what to think. I want to believe that this was Todd’s ultimate way of getting me out of his life and that I played right into it, but . . . but . . .” Téa started to cry softly.

“But you’re afraid of feeling like a fool. God you and Todd are so much alike. I suppose it goes back to loving someone and thinking they love you and then having them walk out on you. You’re afraid that if what Todd said is true and he does still love and want Blair and you continue to love him and try to stay in his life that you will feel like a fool.”

Téa nodded as more tears fell.

“I know how much that can hurt and I know it’s easy for me to say this, but Téa, so what? So you feel like a fool. Will that kill you? Will that take anything away from you other than some pride? Todd might be too ill to realize that now. I hope someday he’ll know that it’s better to feel like a fool and go for it than to spend your life knowing you had a chance at something so good and so special and you didn’t just take the chance and fight for it with everything that you’ve got.”

“I think Blair might have said something to Todd about those insane suspicions she has about you and me,” Téa guessed. “So many of the digs he made to both Rachel and me point to that.”

“Sometimes I could strangle Blair with my bare hands. I swear!” Kevin proclaimed. “She was at Club Indigo the other night and I was there with Rachel. She made some kind of dig that night too. Téa, the more I hear about this the more I’m sure Blair is behind this whole thing. Please don’t do anything until you’ve had a chance to really calm down and Todd has had a chance to get over whatever is going on with him today.”

“Do you think I should confront Blair?” Téa asked.

“No. Not only will you be very unlikely to get a straight answer, but it may make her more determined than ever to cause trouble. Wait until you’ve had another chance to talk to Todd or until Susannah has. It could be that one of the alters knows what’s going on with him.”

Téa realized Kevin was right. “I won’t do anything for a few days at least. I’ll call Doctor Hanen tomorrow and find out if she discovered anything and if she thinks I should try to talk to Todd again. I will tell you one thing, if it turns out this truly is what Todd wants, I won’t pull anything or fight. Sick or not sick, I will never again stand for a man looking over my shoulder at someone else. If I have learned anything from Todd, it’s what it feels like to really be loved.” Téa’s eyes filled with tears again. “Maybe I didn’t really learn that after all . . . no damn it! . . . I did. My God I did. That can’t be faked, even by a master manipulator like Todd. I’ve learned enough about myself in the past two years and in some of the sessions I had with Doctor Hanen to know when love is real and to know that real love is what I deserve. I wouldn’t ask Todd to give me something I know he is not able to give any more, but he can give love. I don’t care what he said today. Todd loves me. I know that. I really do.” Téa looked at Kevin. “You think I’m only believing what I want to believe, don’t you?”

Kevin smiled sadly. “No. I think that you haven’t had the real thing enough times to know when you do. I also know what I’ve seen with my own eyes and what everyone has seen. Todd loves you. I’ve seen Todd with Blair and I’ve seen Todd with you. My money is on you, kid.”

Téa stared off into space for a few moments. When she spoke her strength and dignity shone through. “I will never settle for Todd trying to love me. He loves either me or Blair, I will never again stand for Blair or any other woman getting to him in that way, while we are together.”

Kevin smiled. “You seem to be feeling better.”

“I am. I think I can drive back to my room now.” Téa kissed Kevin on the cheek. “Thank you.”

Kevin laughed. “Better watch it. Blair might have installed a hidden camera in the glove compartment.”

Téa smiled. “That wouldn’t surprise me.” She got out of Kevin’s car and headed for her own.

*****

“Wait here,” Susannah called out to Viki as she heard a code being called.

Viki wasn’t sure what was going on. The hospital had a newly installed bell code system. Also, staff on all the psychiatric units now wore panic buttons around their necks, on break-away chains, instead of having only the ones on the walls to use. This way they always had immediate access to a panic button, no matter where in the room they were or if they slipped, fell or were pushed to the floor during an incident.

Staff from other units and security was already rushing to Todd’s room as Susannah made her way there too. Nancy was tending to Angelo and Eileen in the lounge near Todd’s room. Angelo’s right eye was swollen shut and already turning colors. Eileen had a deep gash above her left eyebrow. Todd’s screams could be heard throughout the unit.

“Any LOC for either of them?” Susannah called out. “Angelo was out for a few seconds after Todd hit him. Eileen’s going to need stitches,” Nancy responded quickly.

“Get transport up here with two wheelchairs and have them both taken to the ER.” Susannah pointed to the injured tech and nurse. “And you go with them.”

Angelo started to protest when a wave of dizziness hit him and getting checked out at the ER didn’t seem like such a waste anymore.

Susannah rushed into Todd’s room. There was a long crack in window’s shatterproof glass. Both chairs and the small table had been overturned along with one of the night tables. The edge of the chair that hit Eileen, after Todd threw it, was stained with her blood. The mattress had been pushed off the bed. Todd’s right hand was bruised from punching Angelo.

“TÉA! TÉAAAAAAAA!” Todd screamed over and over again. Growl like sounds came from the depths of Todd’s soul.

Fourteen nurses and techs from Todd’s unit and nearby units were restraining him on the floor. Todd was exhibiting almost superhuman strength as adrenaline surged through his bloodstream. He was fighting their hold with everything he had. Strain showed on the faces of every staff member involved in the restraint.

Susannah knew Todd was way beyond any de-escalation techniques. He was out of control and a danger to himself and everyone around him. “Five milligrams Haldol, two milligrams Ativan, IM, stat,” Susannah ordered. Janet rushed to get the medication.

Viki heard Todd’s screams as she waited in Susannah’s office. She couldn’t take it anymore. She too rushed to Todd’s room. She was shocked to see security guards blocking the entrance. It had been a very long time since security needed to be called in addition to staff from Todd’s and nearby units. In fact, it had been awhile since it had even been necessary to call a code on Todd. Viki was terrified.

Janet rushed back with a filled syringe.

It wasn’t easy, even with that much staff, to roll Todd for the injection. Finally they got him into position and Janet quickly injected him.

“Get the bed ready,” Susannah told Janet.

Janet rushed to get the crisis bag and set Todd’s bed up with restraints.

Todd was still struggling, only not as vehemently thanks to the medication beginning to kick in, when he was transported to his bed and placed in restraints. When after twenty minutes he was still struggling and screaming Téa’s name, Susannah ordered another two milligrams of Ativan. Finally Todd began to get some relief. His screams turned to cries and then to whimpers. He stopped struggling and fell asleep.

Susannah ordered a portable X-ray sent up to check out Todd’s hand. She was sure it was only bruised, but she wasn’t taking any chances. She told everyone there would be a critical incident debriefing in the dayroom in fifteen minutes. She went to see Viki.

*****

Susannah found a very distraught Viki sitting in the lounge near Todd’s room. Viki was visibly trembling.

“He’s all right. He’s asleep. He should be out for several hours. He needed two shots,” Susannah informed Viki.

“I haven’t seen him that bad in a long time.” Viki’s voice broke as she said that.

Susannah put her arm around Viki. “I know it is very frightening to see Todd so out of control. I’m not that surprised that he had an episode like this after all he’s been through in the past few days. He’s being flooded with memories. However, I was surprised by the force of this episode. Obviously something about what happened with Téa triggered it. Frank said Todd was standing quietly by the window when he started screaming Téa’s name. He backed up and kicked the glass with all his might. He then threw a chair and overturned the table. Frank said he already seemed beyond being able to hear anyone reason with him. Additional staff came in immediately. Frank, Jeff and Angelo tried to get Todd into a hold. That’s when he lashed out and punched Angelo in the eye hard enough for Angelo to lose consciousness for a few seconds and for Todd to injure his hand. At that point the code was called. Before more staff got there, Todd threw the other chair across the room and it hit Eileen. She has a gash above her eyebrow that requires stitches. Angelo and Eileen were taken to ER. I’ll call soon and find out how they are doing.”

“OMG, I’m so sorry Todd hurt the staff.” Viki was horrified as she always was when staff got hurt trying to help Todd. “Are the others all right?”

“Some of them are sore from holding Todd. Frank’s ribs are a little bruised. Todd head butted him before his head could be stabilized. Geri, a nurse from one of the other units, has a bruise on her arm from where Todd kicked out at her. Viki, I want you to understand that Todd was not trying to hurt anyone. He was in a rage. He couldn’t stop himself from what he was doing.”

Viki sighed. “I know. It’s just . . .” Viki couldn’t continue.

Susannah rubbed Viki’s back. “I know.”

“Will he ever be safe enough to leave here?” Viki asked through her tears. “Todd has hurt people with his rages for as long as I’ve known him. Will it ever stop?”

“Yes. When he learns how to channel his rage and gains control over himself. He doesn’t want to feel this way or do this. He can’t help it. Todd keeps things to himself and then they boil over or something triggers him to act out. He has already gained control to some degree. He’s more cognizant of a rage building and he has already been able to utilize some coping skills at times.”

“So what set him off this time had to be something . . . I don’t know . . . something that rocked the very core of his being,” Viki guessed.

“Yes. I believe so,” Susannah confirmed.

Viki looked around. “Oh my God, Sam, where is he? You said he was in the dayroom. Why didn’t he come to Todd’s room when he heard the commotion?” Viki started to get up.

Susannah held onto Viki’s arm. “Sam’s not here. He left just a few minutes before Todd’s episode began.”

“He left again? He knew Todd was very upset over what happened with Téa, didn’t he?”

“I don’t know. Sam was in Todd’s room while Téa and Todd were talking. He quietly followed instruction and went to the dayroom when he was told that Todd wanted to be alone in his room.”

Viki didn’t like the sound of this. It was not like Sam to leave when he knew Todd was in trouble. “Dear Lord, I hope he’s not in trouble himself.”

“Viki,” Susannah said as she gently rubbed Viki’s back. “Todd is going to be out for at least a couple of hours, probably longer. I think it would be a good idea if you either go home or go to the lounge and got some rest. Even if you don’t sleep, put your feet up for a while.”

Viki nodded. Tears trickled down her cheeks. “Susannah, I don’t understand. Every time things start to look up, something terrible happens. Sam seemed so much better today and Todd has made so much progress lately, physically and emotionally. Then in the blink of an eye it all falls apart. What triggered all of this today?”

“I don’t know for sure,” Susannah admitted. “Don’t worry. We’ll figure it out.”

*****

Sam walked around for more than three hours before exhaustion made him stop at a coffee shop and sit down for a while. Sam thought over a steaming cup of coffee. He wasn’t sure what to believe or what to do. He finally decided that no matter what Blair said, Viki had a right to know about the money in Susannah’s account. He trusted Viki’s love for her brother. He believed that at least until they could find out why Asa gave Susannah that kind of money, Viki would be willing to bring Todd home to Llanfair. Like Blair had planned, he and Viki could bring in a private duty staff to help with Todd. Sam also planned on telling Viki his suspicious about Téa and Kevin. He knew Viki loved Téa and Kevin dearly, but unlike Blair he believed she could be objective about them, especially when it came to Todd’s welfare. Sam called a cab to take him back to the hospital.

*****

Todd was beginning to come out of it. The restraints had been left in place until he could be assessed. Todd’s wrists and ankles tugged against the straps, but no more than would be expected as a sedated patient started to wake up. Susannah was called to his room.

“How’s Angelo and Eileen doing?” Frank whispered when Susannah walked into Todd’s room.

“Films were negative on both of them. Eileen needed twelve stitches. They both have headaches from hell and won’t be coming in for a couple of days.”

“Were you able to get their shifts covered?” Frank asked.

“Yes, Connie and Dave are going to pull some doubles until they’re back.”

Frank shook his head. “Man, I haven’t seen Todd like that in a long time. At least we know he’s gotten a lot of his physical strength back,” Frank said with a sad smile.

Susannah smiled back. “That is the one good thing. I wonder if something just built up or if it was something he thought or an alter triggered this as he stood by the window?”

Frank shrugged. “I don’t know, but until we find out. I imagine you don’t want him near any windows for the time being.”

“You got that right,” Susannah quipped.

Todd moaned and cried out Téa’s name.

“Uh oh, sounds like Todd, and he’s coming out of sedation distressed. That’s not a good sign,” Frank stated.

Susannah walked over to the bed. “Todd. Todd, can you hear me?”

“Téa,” Todd called out softly. His eyes fluttered open. He looked around the room. “She’s gone,” he whispered to himself.

“Do you want to see Téa?” Susannah asked.

“Don’t matter what I want,” he murmured. “Maybe she was telling the truth for once in her life . . . I saw them with my own eyes . . . why not . . . deserves to be happy . . . don’t matter where I go . . . no help for me anywhere . . . cursed . . . make sure Starr’s not there . . .”

“Todd, I need for you to look at me,” Susannah instructed. He seemed disoriented to Susannah. She had no way of knowing that what Todd was saying was making sense.

Todd’s eyes slowly met Susannah’s. They came into focus.

“Good job. “Do you know who I am?”

“Doctor Hanen,” Todd said with difficulty. He licked his parched lips.

“Would you like some water?” Susannah offered.

He nodded.

Susannah poured some cool water into a cup from the bedside pitcher. She held Todd’s head up with one hand and held the cup to his lips with the other.

Todd drank thirstily.

After he was finished, Susannah put the cup back on the night table and asked, “Can you tell me where you are?”

Todd looked around again. His head felt a tiny bit clearer. “Loony bin,” he muttered.

“What’s the last thing you remember?” Susannah asked.

Todd thought for a minute. “You drugged me and tied me down.” Todd looked into Susannah’s eyes. “I hate you. I’ll be happy when I never have to see you or this place or anyone here again.” Todd was still unconsciously distancing himself from everyone he cared about.

Susannah was pleased that Todd remembered what happened and debriefing with him would be possible. “Do you understand why you were medicated and placed in restraints?”

“Because everyone here is a sadistic bastard,” he snapped.

“What was your behavior like right before you were put in a hold?”

“I was mad. So what!”

“You were in a rage,” Susannah corrected.

“Screw you! So I was in a rage. That’s no reason to do this to me.” Todd tugged on the restraints for emphasis.

“What is one of our responsibilities here?” Susannah asked.

Todd gave her a dirty look. “To keep the world safe from big bad Todd Manning . . . the devil incarnate.”

“Yes, one of our responsibilities is to keep you from harming anyone. What else?”

Todd didn’t respond.

“What else Todd? I think you know.”

Todd glared at Susannah angrily. “To keep me from hurting myself.”

“Yes. You hurt staff and you hurt yourself today. That’s not okay.”

Todd turned his head away from Susannah.

“Do you remember what you did when you were raging?”

Once again Todd didn’t respond.

Susannah repeated the question. “Do you remember what you did when you were raging?”

“I threw a few things. Big fucking deal. I throw things all the time.”

“That is not a safe way to handle your anger. You know some safe ways, can you tell me one of them?”

“You can take your therapy crap and shove it. I’m not playing!”

“Do you ever want to get out of here?” Susannah pressed.

“What difference does it make? What difference does any of it make? You wanna keep me drugged, do it. You wanna keep me tied down, do it! I’m used to someone doing whatever the fuck they want to me. I don’t care. I don’t care if I stay here or leave. I have nothing to live for either way.”

“It sounds like you’re giving up,” Susannah observed.

“Wrong! You have to have something in the first place in order to give up. I have nothing. I never did. It was all an illusion.”

“You have many people who love you very much and will always be there for you. You are young. You’re getting your physical health back. You have an excellent psychiatric prognosis, and you have brilliant mind and many talents. Most people would think that’s quite a lot to live for,” Susannah pointed out.

“Most people are assholes. People say they love you and it’s bullshit. Maybe you’re stupid enough to be fooled by that. I’m not!”

“Who do you think fooled you when they said they loved you?”

Todd wanted to curl up and die. He tugged on the restraints again. “Take them off,” he pleaded.

“Do you understand why they were put on?” Susannah asked again.

“Yes!” Todd said loudly. “Because I was out of control and dangerous to everyone including me. I didn’t wanna do any of those things. I couldn’t stop.” Tears fell from the corners of Todd’s eyes. “I couldn’t make it stop. I should be locked in a cage somewhere away from everyone.” Todd looked at Susannah. “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. It was like the rage took over and I was inside it. I couldn’t stop.”

What Todd was too embarrassed to add was that he was glad they were there to stop him, even if it meant drugging him and placing him in restraints. Todd was scared to death of being out of the hospital. He knew he had little control over himself and that he was losing a lot of time. Deep within his mind and heart his hope was that somehow someone would know what he was planning with Blair and stop it from happening. It felt the same to as it had when Todd hoped and prayed Sam would realize what was happening with his father and rescue him. Only this time, Sam was part of what he feared.

“I know,” Susannah stroked Todd’s head. “It’s all right. No one blames you. We know you couldn’t stop yourself. One of our jobs here is to help you to learn how to control yourself when you are overwhelmed with rage. You are learning Todd. This hasn’t happened in a long time. You’ll get there honey. I promise.” Susannah stroked Todd’s head. “Now, do you feel you can contract with me to stay in control and not hurt yourself or anyone else?”

Todd nodded and whispered, “Yes.”

Susannah gave Frank the cue to help her start undoing the restraints.

Once they were off, Todd curled up on his side. He was shivering.

Frank retrieved a blanket and covered him.

“Can you tell me what triggered this episode?” Susannah pressed gently.

Todd shook his head.

“Did it have something to do with Téa?” Susannah pushed.

“Can I please be alone?” Todd asked.

“Not right now, buddy,” Frank responded. “I’ll sit here quietly. I won’t bother you.”

“Whatever,” Todd said with a look of absolute hopelessness on his face.

Susannah rubbed Todd’s back. “If you want to talk just tell Frank and someone will get me right away.”

Todd’s only response was to sigh softly and pull the blanket up to his chin.

Once Susannah left the room, Todd rolled onto his other side, facing away from Frank. He knew he couldn’t hold it together anymore. He buried his face in his pillow. Frank saw Todd’s shoulders shake. He could tell Todd was sobbing his heart out. Frank couldn’t hear what the pillow was muffling . . . Todd crying out, “Téa . . . oh God Téa . . . Téa.”

*****

As she had promised she would, Susannah went to the family lounge and told Viki Todd was awake and out of the restraints. She told her that he was still distraught and she should let him rest for a while.

Viki insisted on going to the lounge near Todd’s room. She wanted to be able to get to him immediately should he ask for her. Viki was tempted to call Téa and tell her what happened. She thought better of it. She thought it best to just allow both Téa and Todd to get some rest first. She knew how traumatic the day had been for both of them.

Viki was relieved and angry when she saw Sam walk toward the lounge area. She took a deep breath. The last thing she was up for was dealing with Sam if she set him off. She knew he had to be told about everything that happened after he left. She hoped he wouldn’t fall apart. Viki felt like she was at the end of her rope.

“They put him in restraints again!” Sam exclaimed.

“He sent two staff members to the ER,” Viki declared angrily. “He could have hurt himself badly. What did you want them to do?”

Sam closed his eyes and ran the fingers of both hands through his hair. “I don’t know. I don’t know! What set him off? What did they do to him to make him lose control that way? Was Bo or Nora or Asa around when it happened?”

“No,” Viki didn’t understand why Sam would be asking that. “Todd was in his room. Frank was the only one in there with him.”

“No, not Frank. He wouldn’t be part of it, not Frank,” Sam said to himself.

Viki felt frightened. “Not part of what? Sam please, what are you talking about.”

Sam looked into Viki’s pain filled blue eyes. He dreaded having to tell her. She needs to know, he thought to himself. Sam looked around. No staff was nearby. “Viki, I have to tell you something. I know it will be hard for you to bel . . .”

“Mom,” Kevin called to Viki.

Neither Sam nor Viki heard Kevin approaching them.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Sam jumped up and asked bitterly.

Kevin ignored Sam. He walked around and knelt down in front of Viki. He took her hands in his. “Mom, I need you to stay calm. I got a phone call from Arizona.”

Viki gasped. Her eyes filled with terror.

Kevin continued. “There’s been an accident. It’s Dad and Jess.

TO BE CONTINUED