Susannah patted Sam’s hand. “There are times when everyone would like to see someone punished for what they’ve done. I’ve spent most of my time as a psychiatrist working with adults and children who were horribly abused. There were times I met the abuser or abusers. It was difficult to control myself when all I wanted to do was make them feel the kind of pain they inflicted on my patient. If something had triggered a loss of control in me, I might have ended up doing exactly what you did. It happens Sam. I think you know it would be a good idea if you had someone to talk to, so those kinds of feelings could get released before they explode. When you’re ready, maybe you can think about doing that.”
“Is that what you do? Whom do you have to talk to?”
“I debrief with other staff members. I hit pillows. I go to the bathroom and cry. I journal and put my feelings on paper. I talk to Bill. As a cop, he’s seen some pretty terrible things himself. Usually it helps. Sometimes it doesn’t and I have to allow myself to walk around angry and sad for a while,” Susannah confessed.
Sam still wasn’t completely sure what he believed and what he didn’t. Still, he felt a closeness to Susannah that he hadn’t felt in a long time.
*****
“Can you tell me what is so stupid?” Dave asked.
“I am.”
“In what way do you think you’re stupid?” Dave pressed.
“I let it make a fool out of me again,” Todd said softly.
“Let what make a fool out of you?”
“Life . . . fate . . . God . . . whatever.”
“In what way did it make a fool out of you?” Dave asked.
“I started to believe. I felt hope. I’ll bet I give God a real good laugh. I’m probably his fucking court jester.”
“What was it you felt hopeful about?” Dave pushed.
Todd shrugged. “Me. Me getting better, me and Téa.” Todd laughed at the irony he believed existed. “Just my suffering isn’t enough for God anymore, that greedy insatiable bastard. He has to make sure I take Téa along for the ride. She has to end up feeling like a fool too!”
“How will Téa feel like a fool?”
“She’s got all this hope. She’s got dreams. She made a choice and it’s like the worst choice of her life. It’s a King Kong size worst choice. She almost got away. She left me . . . I mean really left me . . . once. She hired Nora to be her lawyer and everything. Then I talked her into coming back to me. I talked her into giving me four more weeks. God!” Tears welled up in Todd’s eyes. “She almost got away from me the way my mom did. I never should have made her come back to me. I should have let her go. Maybe Bible Boy would have turned into her choice if I just let her go.”
*****
Blair forced her most earnest look. “Rachel, you’re a very nice person. I know how good you were with Adam. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”
“Why would I get hurt? All right Blair. You’re obviously trying to tell me something. Why don’t you just spit it out!”
“I wouldn’t get too involved with Kevin if I were you, unless Téa has you helping out as a beard?”
“A beard? What the hell are you talking about?”
“That’s someone who poses as a romantic interest of someone to throw the world off, so they won’t know whom that person is really involved with.”
“I know what a beard is! For God sake Blair, are you out of your mind? Téa practically lives at the hospital. She would give her life for Todd. Kevin and Téa have no romantic feelings for each other.”
“I know you want to believe that.”
“I believe it because it’s true.”
“Kevin and Téa have had some pretty hot times together. You do know that?”
“That is ancient history,” Rachel stated firmly.
“More like current events,” Blair retorted.
*****
“Yes, Dorian,” Viki said into the phone. She made no attempt to hide her impatience.
“Hello Viki. How are you doing?”
Viki rolled her eyes. “I’m fine.”
“Good. And how is Todd doing?”
“Todd is progressing nicely. Was there something specific that you wanted?” Viki was in no mood for this.
Still thinks she’s Queen Victoria, Dorian thought to herself. “I was hoping you could come here to discuss something with me or that I could meet you there. Perhaps we can do lunch?”
“Do lunch?” Viki mocked. “What is this about?”
“They are thinking of starting a dissociative disorders unit at Melinda’s hospital in California. I would like your input.”
***** Blair closed the phone. She knew her time with Todd was limited these days. She had no idea if he was lucid or not. If, when he woke up, he was, and if she managed to have a little privacy with him, Blair planned on letting Todd know that Téa and Kevin were playing him for a fool. She also planned on letting him know that he had a safe place to go to.
Matthew Allen, Blair’s attorney, had just told her that even if she succeeded in casting doubt on Susannah’s ethics and even if she convinced a judge that Viki’s judgment was clouded by her loyalty to Susannah, and therefore she was not a fit guardian for Todd, it would not mean that they would allow Sam to take Todd to live with her at the penthouse. Matthew told Blair that those pictures of Téa and Kevin might help her case, but in all likelihood they would not. If Todd asked that his wife become his guardian that would carry the most weight. Matthew told Blair that Todd saying that he wanted to live at the penthouse with her and Starr would go a long way in helping her case.
“They’re forcing my hand by limiting my access to him. I have to make my move the very next chance I get.” Blair said out loud. She hoped she wouldn’t have to tell Todd what she suspected about his doctor. She didn’t want to hurt him that way and destroy his trust even more than it had already been destroyed. “I hope it doesn’t come to that, but if it does . . . oh Todd, I’m doing this for you, for you and for our little girl. I hope I can get you to understand that.” *****
Blair had been sitting by Todd’s bed for over an hour. Frank sat outside the door to Todd’s room, allowing Blair to have some privacy. As Blair watched Todd sleep, memories of their time together flashed through her mind. Some of them were good memories. Most were not. Most were memories that made her cringe. She thought of all the ways she had hurt Todd and added to his belief that he could trust no one . . . that people only pretended to love him to get something from him . . . that he truly was an inhuman monster that no one could love. Each time those memories assaulted Blair’s brain she would push them away and try to think of the future. She believed if she had the chance she could make it up to Todd. She believed they could have a relationship that wasn’t mostly about abusing each other.
Todd began to stir. He whimpered in his sleep.
Blair brushed away the hair that had fallen in his face. She could tell, even in sleep, he was in great emotional pain. Blair took Todd’s hand and held it. “Shhhh, Blair is here. It’s all right. I won’t let anyone hurt you.” A tear trickled down Blair’s cheek. She knew the pain she would cause him if she told him he was once again being made a fool of. She knew how much it would set him back if he knew that those he trusted had betrayed him. “Oh God, maybe I shouldn’t,” Blair whispered to herself. “Baby, I don’t want to hurt you. I just want you to be somewhere safe. You’ll be safe with me and your little girl. Look what they do to you here. They’re torturing you . . . drugging you . . . keeping you in pain.”
Todd moaned softly in his sleep.
“It’s okay. Shhhh,” Blair said softly and squeezed Todd’s hand.
Todd squeezed it back. He seemed to become more distressed. “She went away. She’s gone. She’s gone,” he cried out softly. Todd was holding on to Blair’s hand tightly. “Delgado? That’s not you. It’s not you. You’re gone.”
Blair didn’t realize that somehow, in his sleep, Todd could tell the hand he was holding was not Téa’s. She continued to hold Todd’s hand in hers. She stroked his head. “Todd, it’s okay. You don’t need Téa here. I’m here. Shhh, wake up baby. Fight the drugs they gave you.” Blair hoped Todd didn’t cry out loud enough to make Frank come into the room. “Todd, come on sweetie, wake up.”
“Delgado!” Todd called out. His eyes opened. Blair could hear his heart pounding. Todd tried to focus his eyes as he looked around. He felt someone holding his hand. “Téa?”
“No, sweetie. It’s me?”
“Blair?” Todd looked in Blair’s direction. He felt confused.
“It’s me Todd. I’m here. Everything will be all right. Were you having a bad dream? Was Téa hurting you in your dream?”
“No . . . I . . . don’t remember . . . I . . .” Todd’s eyes filled with fear. “Starr? Has something happened to Starr?”
“No. No, sweetie, no. I promise. Starr is fine. She’s been doing great ever since she visited you here. Being with her daddy did wonders for her.”
Todd looked confused again. “Starr’s really okay?”
“She’s great,” Blair declared.
“Then what are you doing here?”
Todd’s question stung Blair. “Does something have to be wrong for me to visit you? I’ve been visiting you all along. Don’t you remember?”
Todd thought for a moment. “Yeah, guess so.” He seemed to be calming down. “So Shorty’s really okay?”
“She is. She loved visiting with you. She always asks when she can come back.”
Todd’s chin quivered as he tried to hold back his tears. “I don’t want her here. It’s not safe for her to be around me.”
This was not what Blair wanted to here. “You mean you feel it’s not safe for her to visit you here in the hospital.”
“No! I mean it’s not safe for her to be around me, ME, wherever I am. The hospital has nothing to do with it.”
“You’d never hurt Starr. Our little girl is perfectly safe when she’s with you.”
“I wouldn’t mean to hurt her. That doesn’t mean she won’t get hurt. You just keep her away from here.”
“Todd, Starr loves you. She . . .”
Todd grabbed Blair’s arm and pulled her to him roughly. “I’m not kidding around here, Blair. You keep her away from me! Do you understand?”
Blair was surprised by how much physically stronger Todd seemed. “You’re hurting me.”
Todd glared at her angrily. He let go of her arm. “You just keep Shorty away from me,” he ordered, without apologizing for hurting her.
“If you don’t want Starr around you for now, I’ll honor your wishes. Todd, don’t you know that I want to help you and make things better for you in any way I can?”
Todd’s look softened. “So what are you doing here Blair?”
“I just wanted to visit with you and see if you were okay.”
“I’m crazy, evil and locked in a loony bin. I don’t think ‘okay’ figures anywhere into that.”
“Please don’t talk about yourself that way. If that’s what they tell you here they’re . . .”
“No one here tells me that. It’s a fact. They try to make me believe it’s not true. Sometimes I get stupid and I start to believe it. Then I smartened up.”
In some ways Todd seemed so much better. Blair wasn’t sure what was going on. She thought she’d find much worse when they told her they had drugged him again.
“Does Doctor Hanen ever talk about you going home?” Blair asked.
“Yeah, she tries to make me believe that will really happen someday.”
“You don’t think it will?” Blair was surprised.
“I don’t think it should.”
“You want to stay here! . . . for the rest of your life?”
“It’s safer for everyone,” Todd stated firmly. “Everyone, especially Shorty and Delgado, will be safer if they keep me here.”
“Starr needs you. She needs you to be her daddy all the time, not just on an occasional visit. Téa can more than protect herself. You’re no danger to either of them. Did Téa tell you that she felt you would endanger her if you were out of the hospital?”
“No,” Todd said softly and stared away from Blair. “She wants me to get out of here and go home to her. She thinks I can get well and be a real husband and father. She actually thinks everything can be . . . you know . . . like other people.” Todd looked at Blair and then looked away. “I’m sorry. You’re the last person I should be talking to about this.”
“No, it’s . . . it’s okay. Todd, we’ve been through so much together. I hope you know you can tell me anything.”
Todd laughed at the irony he saw in that. “Yeah, so you can use what I tell you against me. You don’t have to worry Blair. I won’t fight you if you want sole custody of Shorty. I told you. She’s better off without me in her life.”
“You still think the only reason I want you to talk to me is to have something to use against you?” Blair felt pain and anger stir up inside her. Tears sprung to her eyes.
“It’s not like you didn’t try to get me to have a heart to heart with you so could record what I said to use against me during one of the custody fights. You wanted me to incriminate myself so Judge Goldberg could hear just how unfit I was and what a great mother you were.”
“I’m sorry for that. Todd. I am. I’m sorry for so much. You were trying to take Starr away from me.”
Todd’s eyes blazed. “Only after you tried to take her away from me first! You and Dorian wouldn’t even let me see her. Both custody fights were started by you and Dorian trying to take Starr away from me and keeping her away from me.” Todd’s anger ebbed. “Look, it doesn’t matter now. I’m telling you that I want you to have Starr. You’ve got your wish. You can take her as far away from me as you want. I won’t fight you. You can sell the Sun and use that money. I’ll give you more money if that runs out. Shorty will never want for anything no matter where she lives.”
This wasn’t going at all as Blair thought it would. “Todd! I don’t want to take Starr away from you, now or ever again. I don’t want her growing up without her daddy. I saw what being without her daddy did to her. It started to turn her into a little girl I didn’t recognize. I know I did a lot of horrible things to you. That was before I knew . . .”
“Before you knew I was officially psycho? You mean you didn’t get a clue when I shoved you out of the door so hard you fell down or when I tried to rape you?”
Blair didn’t want to think about the times Todd physically abused her. She wanted to live for the here and now. She knew Todd’s past and her past with him had to be dealt with, but she had just so much tolerance for dealing with issues. Like she had on the rare occasions Todd brought up his childhood to her, she changed the subject. “I don’t want you getting yourself all upset. I came here to talk to you. I don’t get much of a chance to see you anymore.”
Todd laughed. “I would have figured that would make you happy.”
“It doesn’t. I miss being around you.”
“Did you have to send Max out to be cleaned or something?”
Blair smiled. She realized how much she had missed Todd’s humor. “I am not with Max. I haven’t even seen him in months. He’s not the kind of man I want around Starr.”
“Why, you think being an asshole is contagious?”
Blair laughed. “You did have him pegged all along.”
“Face it Blair. You have lousy taste in men.”
Blair tucked Todd’s hair back behind his ear. “Not always.”
For a moment, Todd felt his father standing there doing the exact same thing to him. He gasped and pulled away.
Blair quickly pulled her hand back. “I’m sorry . . . I . . . are you all right?”
“Yeah, I’m . . .” The sudden movement made Todd dizzy. He remembered being told he’d been given medication. He knew it sometimes made him dizzy when he first woke up if he tried to move or get out of bed too quickly. He held himself very still for a few moments. The dizziness passed as quickly as the image of his father had. “I’m okay. I just got dizzy for a second. They gave me some kind of medicine that makes me dizzy.”
This didn’t surprise Blair. In her mind, Todd seemed better despite the medication, not because of it. “You just stay put then. We can talk right here.” Blair pulled her chair as close to Todd’s bed as she could get it. She spoke in a hushed tone so Frank wouldn’t hear. “Todd, I know how much you hate being kept here in the hospital and hate being given all these drugs and things. I know you never wanted this. I . . . well . . . I” This wasn’t as easy as Blair thought it would be.
“At least everyone is as safe as possible as long as I’m here. If I try to hurt someone, they stop me.” A worried look covered Todd’s face. “If they can get to me fast enough, before I . . . you’ve gotta keep Shorty away from here Blair. I know she came on her own last time. You gotta make sure that doesn’t happen again.”
“You would never hurt our little girl. I know that,” Blair said firmly. “Yeah, well I never meant to hurt a lot of people that got hurt. I never meant to make Téa fall down and hit her head.”
“Todd, they told me it was an accident. Téa lost her balance.”
“It was still my fault. What if Starr has an accident while she’s with me?” Todd emphasized the word accident.
“Téa provoked you. Starr would never do that.”
Todd looked at Blair. His face was a combination of anger and puzzlement. “She didn’t provoke me. Who the hell told you that!”
“I-I-I’m not sure. I think it was Doctor Hanen or Viki. I don’t mean . . . maybe they didn’t say provoked. They said you were trying to get away from her and when you pulled away she fell.” Blair hated that Todd immediately rushed to Téa’s defense.
Todd calmed down. “Yeah, I guess that’s what happened. People get hurt around me. I’ve done things . . . I remember doing some things to my . . . I just remember some things now. I hurt people. I don’t want Shorty to be one of them.”
“I promise I won’t bring Starr here unless you ask me to and I think she understands that it was not okay to come here on her own,” Blair assured Todd. “I was surprised that you and Kevin have become . . . well, friends of sort.”
“He’s not that bad, for a Buchanan, neither is Bo.”
“You think Bo Buchanan is your friend?”
“I didn’t say that.” Todd stated angrily. He wanted to believe that, but he was afraid to. “I’m only saying Bo and Nora were . . .” Now Todd felt embarrassed.
“They were what?” Blair pressed.
“They were nice to me. Okay! They were really nice to me when they were here.”
Blair felt anxious. None of this felt right. “Todd,” Blair began in a whisper. “I don’t think you should trust Bo and Nora Buchanan.”
“Why, did they say something to you about me?” Todd suddenly realized how much Bo and Nora’s seeming affection meant to him. He began to wonder if he only imagined that they cared about him and if he was being a fool again to have that hope.
“No. I haven’t seen or spoken to Bo or Nora in a long time. I just mean that Bo and Nora always went out of their way to hurt you and see you punished. I can’t believe they suddenly did such an about face.”
“Look! I didn’t say they were planning on adopting me! All I said was that they were nice when they came to see me. I know they probably still hate my guts and they were only pretending. I’m not that stupid!”
Todd didn’t think they were pretending at all and now he felt like an idiot for believing that they could really forgive him or like him. It was still so much safer for Todd to believe the one person who said negative things about him or about someone really caring for him than to believe many others who praised him or said they thought he was good, smart, talented, loved . . . anything positive. At least he never had to feel like a fool for believing something negative and he never had to feel the pain when he learned those who praised or said they loved him were only pretending. He believed that sooner or later, he’d discover anything good anyone said about him, was a lie.
“All right. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Blair paused for a minute. She wanted to make sure Todd had calmed down. She didn’t want Frank coming in and ending her visit. Then she continued. “I hope you’re being cautious around Kevin too.”
“Kevin? Why?” Todd wondered if he had been even more of a fool than he thought.
Blair took a deep breath. “Todd I don’t want to upset you or make you feel bad about yourself in anyway. I . . . well . . . I’ve seen . . .” Blair took another deep breath.”
“What! Jesus, Blair! Saw what!”
“Shhhh, you have to keep your voice down or Frank will come in here.” Blair paused for another breath. “Todd, haven’t you noticed how close Kevin has gotten with Téa?”
Anxiety washed over Todd. “They both come here to see me. Kevin also comes here a lot to see Viki since she stays here with me most of the time.”
“I know they both have a good reason to be here at the same time. I’ve just noticed . . .” Blair looked into Todd’s eyes. She saw the pain she was causing. She didn’t know if she could go through with this.
“Noticed what?” Todd’s tone revealed his anxiety.
Blair looked away from Todd. “Nothing. I just want you to be careful of whom you trust.”
Todd knew Blair was holding back. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and grabbed Blair by her upper arms. His fingers dug into her flesh “Tell me what you were going to say about Téa and Kevin.”
“Todd you’re hurting me,” Blair whispered.
Instead of letting go, Todd tightened his grip and shook her. “Tell me!”
Blair winced in pain. She didn’t want to call out for help. She knew they’d make her leave. Blair’s lower lip trembled. “I think Téa and Kevin are fooling around behind your back.”
Todd’s hands dropped away from Blair’s arms. She saw a look of total shock on his face.
Todd felt like he’d been kicked in the stomach. He couldn’t catch his breath.
“Oh God,” Blair said softly when she saw Todd’s reaction. “I might be wrong. Todd I don’t know if this is really true or not. It’s just the way it looks to me.”
Todd didn’t respond.
Blair saw his head shake back and forth. It was clear that Todd was telling himself this couldn’t be true. Blair didn’t know if she should call someone or not. She was frightened for Todd and very sorry that she went through with this.
“Téa wouldn’t do that to me,” Todd whispered. “I’m her choice.”
“Her choice?” Blair didn’t understand.
“I’m her choice,” Todd repeated to himself, as if Blair wasn’t even in the room. “She could have had Andrew, but I was her choice. Not Kevin . . . Kevin? . . . he helped me . . . he . . . we’re gonna be cool with each other for Viki . . . I believed him . . . I . . . she knows what I let Garret do . . . she knows what I let my dad do . . . she knows what I did to my mom . . . I wouldn’t blame her . . . but she doesn’t lie . . . Delgado doesn’t lie . . . she’d tell me . . . she’d be straight with me . . . she told me she only came back to get a divorce . . . she didn’t lie then . . . maybe they told her not to tell me . . . poor crazy Todd can’t take it. She’d never hurt me. If they told her it would hurt me she’d lie to protect me . . . the voice . . . Bitsy . . . she was right . . . I’ll hurt her . . . I’m disgusting . . . I should be happy . . .”
“Todd. Look at me,” Blair placed her hand on his arm. “You’re scaring me. Do you want me to get Frank?”
Todd looked up at Blair. He seemed dazed. “I want her to be safe. I want her to be happy. I want that more than anything. She’ll never have that with me. She’ll never let go as long as she thinks she can help me. She’s always wanted to help me, from the day we met.”
“Todd, please. I’m probably not even right. You know the way I am.” Blair wished she could take her words back.
“Yeah, I know. You always think everyone is doing the worst thing they can do because that’s what you would do.” Todd saw that Blair was crying. “I know because I’m the same way. That’s what we always had in common Blair. Neither of us is worth anything.”
“Todd, that’s not true,” Blair cried.
“Sure it is. There’s only one good thing either of us has ever done in our lives. We made Shorty. She shouldn’t be near us Blair. Maybe she has a chance? Maybe she can turn out okay if she’s not around either of us?”
“How can you say that? We love our little girl more than anyone. We’d both die for Starr if it would help her or keep her safe.”
“That won’t save her! Loving someone won’t save them. It won’t save Starr and it won’t save Delgado. They were right. They were right. Everyone tells me not to believe them, but they were right all along.”
“Who was right?”
“Those voices! What are you stupid! I told you that! They’re two of them that warned me. She said if I was punished enough Téa would be safe with me. I don’t think there’s enough punishment. There’s never enough punishment for a rapist. There’s never enough for someone who’s done the things that I’ve done. I don’t know how to keep her safe. She keeps coming here. I told her not to. I told them I didn’t want to see her. They told me I have no choice. They think they’re helping. All they’re gonna do is get her hurt or killed.”
“Are you talking about Starr?” Blair couldn’t follow Todd.
“No! Téa! I’m talking about Téa. I begged them to send me away. They wouldn’t do it. No one will help me. If Kevin wants Téa why won’t he help me? I don’t understand. I begged him to talk to Viki and get her to send me away. Why? Why won’t anyone help me get away?”
“What if I can help you?”
Todd stared into Blair’s eyes. “You said you couldn’t get to my money. How can you help me? They watch me like a hawk. I’ll never be able to escape from here.”
“Shhhh,” Blair whispered. She looked around to see if Frank had opened the door any more than the quarter way it had been opened. He hadn’t. Frank saw that Todd was awake. It looked as if he and Blair were talking calmly. “Todd, if I could convince a judge to let you come home to the penthouse, would you want that?”
“No! Are you the one who’s crazy? I told you I don’t want Starr to be around me.”
“Starr could stay with Dorian until you’re . . . well . . . until you’re feeling better.”
Todd laughed. “Feeling better? Do you think I have a cold Blair? I’m crazy! I’m a psycho. I do horrible things to people. I have this rage inside me that makes me hate so much that I want to hurt people.”
“You’d never hate or want to hurt Starr,” Blair insisted.
“I don’t know what I’m capable of. No! Forget it. Starr is never going to be around me again, let alone live with me.”
“Okay, okay. Then Starr can stay with Dorian indefinitely.”
“Oh you are crazy. They should give you a room next to mine if you think I want Dorian raising Starr or anywhere near Starr. She’s just as bad as I am. She lives to hurt people.”
“Why do you have to go through life being such an imbecile?”
Todd jumped when he heard Saber.
“How long do you think it would take you to get away from Blair and the penthouse once you’re there?” Saber asked. “You know what you have to do Todd. You know there is only one way to make sure that Starr and Téa and everyone you care about is safe. You’ll never be able to do what you have to do here. You’ll never be able to get away from any of them from here. Blair is offering you a golden opportunity to rid the world of your disgusting, evil self once and for all.”
“Todd? Todd, are you hearing voices?” Blair asked anxiously.
Todd remembered he promised Téa he would tell someone if he was hearing voices. Even now, he didn’t want to break a promise to her. “Yes.” He grabbed Blair’s arm. “Don’t get Frank or anyone.”
“Are you okay?” Blair’s voice was filled with fear. She never meant to do this to Todd.
“Yes. How can you do it? How can you get me out of here?”
Blair’s heart began to race. “You mean you really want me to? You want to live with me at the penthouse, even if it means Starr will stay with Dorian until you’re ready to be with her again?”
The thought of Starr living with Dorian filled Todd with fury and fear.
“It’ll only be for a day or two, stupid! Just long enough for you to get the courage and brains to act like a man and do what you have to do to keep that kid and wife of yours safe,” Saber whispered to Todd. Saber didn’t want to spook Todd. He was too close to getting what he wanted. “Once you’re out of the picture that pretty little girl of yours can come home to own little room.”
Todd remembered the time he, Téa and Starr went shopping for the furniture for that room. He remembered the emotions he felt when Starr got to pick out her first “big girl” bed. A lump formed in his throat and tears filled his eyes at the thought of never seeing his precious Shorty and Téa again . . . never seeing Viki and Sam or Susannah and the staff again. He loved Viki and Sam with all his heart and he realized he felt love for Susannah and many of staff members too. Todd felt guilt wash over him. Will Doctor Hanen and Frank and Dave and Terry and the rest of them feel like they failed? Todd wondered to himself.
“Don’t think about that now,” Saber ordered in a soft tone. He was getting his way, so he felt a little more charitable toward Todd. “Stay focused. Blair is giving you the chance you’ve been begging for. Don’t blow it like you’ve blown every other chance you’ve ever gotten.”
“I won’t,” Todd whispered.
“You won’t come to live at the penthouse with me?” Blair asked in obvious confusion.
Todd looked at her “What?”
“Todd, be honest with me. I don’t want you to do something that you really don’t want to do. If you believe that being in a hospital is helping you, than I’ll find you another hospital to go to. I’m afraid that all the drugs they’re giving you here are making you worse. Sweetie, I swear, I only want what’s best for you.” Blair held back telling him she believed she had evidence that the Buchanans were paying Susannah to make him seem sicker.
“It’s best for you to keep everyone safe, isn’t it Todd?” Saber asked calmly and gently. The last thing he wanted at this point was for Todd to freak out for and for the staff to ask Blair to leave. Stupid bitch, Saber thought as he looked at Blair and chuckled to himself. She’s playing right into my hands.
Is it the drugs? Todd thought to himself in terror. Are they making me even crazier than I am? I always thought the drugs were doing this to me . . . taking away my control . . . NO! Doctor Hanen is a good doctor. She would know . . . she would . . . oh God, I’m so scared.
“Todd, is leaving here what you think is best for you?” Blair pressed.
“Yeah,” Todd stared off into space and mouthed the word.
Blair rested her hand on Todd’s forearm. “I can’t promise you that I’ll be able to get you out of here. I swear I will try my best. I’m going to need your help.”
Todd’s heart began to pound. He was scared to death. He wondered, what if it wasn’t the drugs? He had progressed enough to realize that his only shot at getting well and getting the life he wanted was to stay in the hospital and continue therapy. He had also progressed enough to realize he was a danger to himself. He knew he would be giving up his life if he left the hospital at this point. My life is worthless. I have to do what’s best for Shorty and Delgado and everyone, he thought to himself.
“Sweetie, did you hear me? We don’t have much time. Viki, Sam and Téa could be back here at any moment or the staff could come in. I need you to listen to me.”
Todd tried his best to focus on Blair. “I’m listening. What do I have to do?”
“If someone official . . . a judge or a social worker or another psychiatrist asks you who you want to be your guardian, you have to tell them you want Sam to be your guardian and you want to live with Sam and me at the penthouse.”
Todd was confused. “Sam? I thought you wanted me to live with you?”
“I do. Sweetie, Sam and Viki are your legal guardians. As long as Viki wants you here, Sam is the one that will have to petition the court to get you out of the hospital. Once he does that, hopefully they will let both of you live at the penthouse?”
“What about Viki? I don’t want Viki to be hurt. I . . .”
“Viki will be hurt much more if you stay in her life,” Saber reminded Todd. “Don’t you remember how hard you tried to get her to send you to another hospital? You know that you will ruin her life the way you did your mother’s. Sam’s not dealing with a full deck and Blair can be easily handled, leave her to me. Once you’re at the penthouse, you can get away from them. If you love all of them and you want to make sure your daughter and wife stay safe, you’ll be a man and do what needs to be done. Blair is giving you a one time opportunity. Don’t blow it. If Téa can have a good life with Kevin or someone other than you, let her. Isn’t that what you want for her . . . a good, safe, normal, happy life?”
Todd nodded. Tears welled up in his eyes and trickled down his cheek.
Blair assumed Todd was upset over his sister. “I’m not out to hurt Viki. I promise you that. I know how much you love her and how much she loves you. I’m just afraid that she might not know what’s best for you. Her judgment might be clouded by her own loyalty to . . . well to Doctor Hanen and Kevin.”
“Do it,” Todd whispered.
“Then you’ll tell anyone who asks that you want Sam to take you to live with me at the penthouse?”
“Yeah,” Todd said softly and without emotion.
“Oh Todd, I promise you’ll get well. I really do think all the drugs that they’re giving you are making you sicker. I know how much you always hated to take any kind of sleeping medication or sedatives. You’ll see. Once you’re in your own home and your own bed you’ll just get better and better until you’re your old self again.” Blair stroked Todd’s head.
Todd pulled away from her touch. “Yeah, my old self.” Todd laughed at the irony. “That’s just what I want.” Todd felt his dreams of being the man he wanted to be and having the kind of life he always wanted crumble around him.”
“Sweetie, you’ll still have help. I’m going to hire the very best doctor and nurses and techs to take care of you. But we’ll be in charge, instead of the other way around. They won’t be able to just give you any kind of drug any time they want or tie you down. I won’t let anyone ever do that to you again once you’re out of here.”
“No! I don’t want any new doctors or nurses or anyone. You keep them away from me.”
“Todd, we can’t just take . . .”
“No! Just you and Sam! That’s it. I don’t want anyone else around me.”
“Todd, the courts won’t just let you leave like that. We have to show them that you’ll still be receiving proper care. This staff would be working private duty. They’ll do what we tell them to do.” Blair left out the part about Dorian picking out the staff Blair planned on hiring. She knew that wouldn’t set well with Todd. “Sweetie, they won’t be like the staff here. If you want them to leave you alone they will. If you don’t want to do therapy and relive all that pain, you won’t have to. It’s just to show the court.”
“Whatever,” Todd muttered. He stared off into space again.
Blair felt the uncomfortable silence.
“Tell me what you saw,” Todd suddenly asked.
“What I saw when?”
“What you saw between Téa and Kevin.”
“It doesn’t matter. Why do you want to upset yourself?”
Todd grabbed Blair’s face between the fingers and thumb of his right hand and pulled her toward him until their faces were less than an inch apart. “Tell me what you saw!”
Blair winced in pain. “I will. Let go of me. Todd, you’re hurting me. Let go.”
Todd pulled his hand away. “Tell me.”
“Actually I haven’t seen Téa and Kevin together in a while,” Blair stated honestly. “I did see them in some . . . they went on a picnic together and it seemed like a very romantic one. Kevin was seen coming out of Téa’s hotel room and Téa’s robe was . . . Do you really want to hear this?”
From the glare in Todd’s eyes, Blair knew he did. “I went to Téa’s room one time and she was in her robe and Kevin came out of the shower half naked. That’s when I first became suspicious. Sam . . .” Blair stopped talking. She wanted to kick herself. She did not want Todd to talk to Sam about this, not in the mental condition Sam was in.
“What about Sam? Sam thinks Téa’s fooling around with Kevin too?” Todd was feeling more and more like a fool.
“No . . . I don’t know what Sam’s thinking. I was going to say that Sam doesn’t like the way you’re being treated here either. He thinks they’re giving you too much medication too. That’s why he might be willing to help me get you out of here.”
“Sam wouldn’t do that to Viki?”
“Sam loves you dearly. He wants what’s best for you.”
“I thought Kevin was dating Rachel?” It was obvious that Todd could not get Téa off his mind.
“He is. Look I let Kevin and Téa know that I was suspicious of them. I think they are cooling it because they know that I’m onto them.”
“Téa would never do that to me,” Todd whispered to himself.
“I know it hurts to think that she would. I’m sorry. The last thing I want is for you to be hurt.”
“She wouldn’t do that! She’s honest with me. She’s not like you.”
“No! She’s just a whore who married you for five million dollars so she could steal my baby. She never loved you!” Blair regretted saying that the moment the words came out of her mouth. She hated that Todd could still push the buttons that made her want to lash out at him. She thought she could keep herself from ever hurting him again.
Todd grabbed a fist full of Blair’s hair and pulled her to him. “Don’t you ever call Téa that again,” he managed to get out through clenched teeth. “At least I knew she was marrying me for the money. She didn’t pretend to be knocked up with my kid!”
Blair began to cry. She struggled to keep her voice low. “What the hell kind of hold does she have on you? Todd! She’s not worth it. You have to think about yourself now and what’s best for you. She’s not. She never has been. She’s not worth your love or your pain.”
Todd pushed Blair’s head away from him and let go of her hair. “Téa’s worth a million of each of us put together. If-if she’s trying to have some kind of normal time with someone who can give her that . . . it doesn’t mean she’s . . . I want her to have a life away from me. I’ve told her that over and over again. Do you think I want her to be stuck with someone like me for the rest of her life? She’s trying not to hurt me. She’s standing by me because everyone knows I’m crazy.”
“You’re not. Todd you’re not crazy. I’ve been here too. I’ve been here all alon . . .”
“Shut up Blair. Just shut up,” Todd cut her off. “You do what you have to do to get me out of here. Don’t worry. I’ll do my part. Okay! Visit’s over!”
Blair wiped the tears from her eyes. “I didn’t tell you this to hurt you. More than anything in the world I want you to get well. Todd I swear. I’m so sorry for all the times I hurt you. I don’t want us to hurt each other anymore.”
“Why not? We’re so good at it?” Todd snapped.
“Please don’t be that way?” Blair pleaded.
“Look, you just make sure Shorty is not around if I get to the penthouse.”
“I will,” Blair promised. “Todd, you know not to say anything about this to Viki or Sam or the staff or to anyone.”
“I’m not completely stupid Blair. I know that if you’re able to get me out of her you’ll probably have to pull something. I don’t give a shit. Do whatever it is you have to do. I won’t say anything to anyone.”
“It’s not a 100 percent sure thing. I’ll try my best, but there is a chance that I won’t be able to get you out of here, no matter what I try.”
“Yeah, I know,” Todd said angrily. “Why don’t you find out who the judge is? Maybe if it’s a guy you can fuck him into letting me go.”
Blair tried to keep her anger and pain at bay. She told herself that Todd was ill and the drugs were making him worse. She could not allow herself to become angry enough to want to hurt him again. “I know you’re hurt and angry. I’m not the one you should be angry with.”
“I’m not hurt and I’m not angry. I was just commenting on one of your best skills.”
“I also know you don’t think it’s possible for me to have changed. I did. I did Todd. Seeing you get so sick made me change. I know you can’t believe that right now. You’ll see. If you get to come home with me a-and with Sam of course, you’ll see. Things will be different this time.”
“Whatever,” Todd mumbled. “I’m tired.” He laid back and rolled over on his side, facing away from Blair.
“Okay, sweetie, you get some rest.” Blair reached out to stroke Todd’s head. She pulled her hand back. She knew her touch would upset him. “I’ll let you know how things are going.”
Blair forced a smile for Frank’s benefit as she left Todd’s room. “He’s going to take a nap,” she let Frank know.
Frank looked closely at Blair. “Are you all right? Did Todd say something to upset you?”
“No. I just hate seeing him so sick.”
“Blair, he’s making excellent progress, physically and mentally. I know it’s difficult and Todd’s been here for months, but he is doing very well,” Frank happily informed her.
Blair patted Frank’s arm. “Thank you for telling me. You’ve been good to Todd. I can see that you genuinely care for him.” Blair meant that. She trusted Frank and didn’t believe he had any part in hurting Todd.
“Everyone here does. Todd is a very special young man,” Frank said with a smile.
*****
Blair was able to hold it together until she got to the hospital lobby. Then she began to tremble so badly she had to sit down to keep from falling over. “I did it. Oh my God, I did it.” Blair closed her eyes. “Please God, let it be the right thing.”
Now that she took the step, Blair was petrified. She was afraid that she might be making things worse for Todd. The fear that she couldn’t allow to come into her consciousness was fear for herself. This was the first times since Todd had been hospitalized that he wasn’t very physically sick, or having a psychotic episode, or that an alter wasn’t present during one of her visits. Todd was more or less himself for the moment. That’s what terrified Blair. It brought back just how emotionally and physically abusive her relationship with Todd often was. That was the reality that Blair could not let herself look at now, not if she were to continue to tell herself that a life with her was what was best for Todd and best for her and their little girl.
