Téa’s expression turned to one of sadness. "That's part of the problem. I think Todd is able to admit to himself that he loves me and needs me. I think he's finally beginning to believe I love him and that I will not leave him, no matter how much he pushes."
"Then what is the problem? I don't understand," Carlotta stated.
"Todd is afraid for me. He trusts himself even less than he trusts the rest of us. He believes he'll hurt me if he's near me. He sees I won't be pushed away, so he's determined to get himself taken away. There is a part of Todd that is actually happy that his mother was able to get away from his father. He wanted some happiness and peace for her, even though whatever peace and happiness, if any, that she managed to find was at his expense. That's the way Todd is. When he loves someone, truly loves someone, he wants to keep them safe from everything bad in this world. Todd would love to keep Starr safe in a fortress somewhere and he'd like to do the same with me. For some reason, despite knowing I'm capable of some pretty awful and underhanded moves myself, Todd has put me in the same league as Starr. He wants us to be better than he. He doesn't want the things that hurt him or the things he's done or thinks he's done to touch us. So many times I heard Todd say he doesn't want Starr to become like him or like Blair. He doesn't ever want her to know the kind of feelings that drove him to become so full of rage and fear and caused her mother to become the way she is. He wants her to be able to trust. He doesn't ever want her to feel abandoned or unloved or dirty. He doesn't want her to feel like a loser or feel the need to hurt people. Todd is always praising Starr and making her feel good about herself."
"Mija. Are you all right?" Carlotta noticed the expression on Téa's face.
"Yes! Oh yes. Madre de Dios, I think that is it. I really do. Even though Todd has been intimate with me in more important ways, I was always so hurt that Todd was able to have sex with Blair and not with me. From what we understand now, Rodd could make love to her but Todd . . . Todd was still able to have sex with her because Blair was always the aggressor."
Téa's thoughts were jumping around as finally it hit her. "Intellectually I think I've understood this for a very long time. Doctor Hanen and Viki have been trying to explain this to me, in one way or another, for months now. In his own way, Todd has too. I heard them and I comprehended what they said, but I never felt it in my heart before. I never understood that I have nothing to feel hurt about. Todd doesn't trust himself around something, like our marriage, that isn't already damaged and spoiled. Todd went into our marriage thinking it would stay a business relationship. I always thought he panicked and pushed me away because I wanted more. Now I see that it was when he wanted more that he became frightened. He wanted a real marriage and it terrified him. He didn't think he could ever be good enough for that or even know how to be in a relationship that wasn't based partly on him being the good little boy, being mistreated by someone he loves, and partly on him being his father and doing the mistreating. Todd sees no in-between in relationships. You're either the victim or the bully. Todd learned how to be both, and he doesn't want to be either. He has told me so many times, in one way or the other that he sees the person he wants to be when he looks into my eyes. He knows that I believe he can be that person. There are times, fleeting moments of time, that he believes it too. Then they pass and everything his father told him makes him feel like fool for ever believing he could be what he dreams to be."
*****
Sam sat down as if the weight of the world were on his shoulders. "All of this and he's still alive."
Viki couldn't believe this was Sam, sweet, gentle, pacifist, child of the sixties Sam, saying he was sorry that he didn't kill someone. "Honey," Viki whispered. "I know you're very upset right now. You have to stop saying that, at least right here and now. If you want to talk about this, we'll do it when we get home. Please don't let anyone else hear you say that all you're sorry about is that Garret didn't die."
"Sam!" Nora spoke loudly. "Didn't you hear Bo? You're free to go. You can't leave the state, but you can go back to Llanview until your trial. I honestly don't think there is a jury in the country that would blame you for losing it when you saw the man who did this to someone you consider your child. They'll understand how your emotions got the better of you as you waited to confront Garret."
"I wasn't there to confront him," Sam said without emotion. "I was there to kill him."
*****
Nora smiled back. She kissed the top of the baby's head. "What a sweet boy you are." Suddenly Nora pulled back. "My god. It's true. You are a sweet boy. Underneath all that pain and fury you are a sweet boy Todd. I think that's still in you somewhere. This baby is in you. He's you, Todd. He's you without the damage that was done to you by Victor and Irene giving you to a monster like Peter Manning. He's you before the one person who said they loved you walked out and left you to suffer. Todd, if you can hear me, please come back. Your family loves this baby very much, but I think he can rest for a while. Todd your family loves you so much. They need you to come back to them. They're so worried and afraid that they'll never see you again. That would kill them."
Nora looked up toward the ceiling. She realized how very much she meant this and she felt free. Finally, after all these years, she was free of the hatred and free of the fear. "I do Todd. My god, I really do. I forgive you."
Todd felt arms around him. He felt the warmth of another body next to his. He snuggled into it. Though his eyes were open, he was in a fog. Todd didn't know where he was. He was neither in his inside world nor the real one. He felt odd . . . neither awake nor asleep . . . like a balloon that lost its string and was floating away.
"Oh god!" Todd's voice was a whisper. Todd tried to stand up. He was completely disoriented and fell back to a sitting position. He scurried away from Nora on his hands and knees, like a frightened little animal. "Oh god, no!" Todd repeated over and over. He began to bash his head into the wall.
"You didn't hurt me," Nora repeated. Nora looked up at Bo and then at Susannah. "I was trying to tell you that while I hate what you did to me at that beach house, I don't hate you." Nora took a couple of deep breaths. "I was trying to answer the questions you asked me."
Todd continued to stare into Nora's eyes. "Questions?"
"Do I want you sent away? No." Nora spoke quickly and impersonally. It was her best courtroom tone. "Do I want you punished? No." She took another deep breath. "Do I forgive you for what happened at the beach house? Yes." Nora paused for a second. She looked into Todd's wounded eyes. She felt as if she could see the pain that went clear to his soul.
"I didn't ask you to forgive me," Todd whispered. "I know I don't deserve to be forgiven."
"Are you sorry for what you did back then?" Nora asked.
"Yes." Todd's voice was barely audible.
"Then you deserve to be forgiven. . . ."
*****
"You know I wouldn't let Nora come in to see you alone if I thought you would hurt her," Bo reminded Todd.
"So how come you are here?" Todd asked again.
"I came to see you," Bo said honestly.
"Me?" Todd looked disbelieving. His look turned to fear. "Did I do something else bad besides hurt Nora? Did I hurt someone else or commit some crime?"
"No. Son, relax," Bo placed his hand on Todd's shoulder.
Todd shuddered. He looked up at Bo with great sadness in his eyes. "I made you hate me," Todd said out of nowhere.
Bo squeezed Todd's shoulder gently. "I don't hate you. You get me mad as hell at you sometimes, but I don't hate you."
Todd snuggled into Bo. "More than anything in the whole world, I want you to be proud of me."
Bo took a deep breath. He raised his head looked upward in an attempt to keep from crying. He hugged Todd tenderly. "I am proud of you. I'm prouder of you than I've ever been of anyone."
"I . . . I . . . nothing . . . you'll get mad."
"No, I won't. It's okay, son. You can tell me anything. I won't be angry," Bo assured Todd.
"You'll think I'm acting like a little girl."
"I won't. I promise. Say what you wanna say. It's all right," Bo encouraged.
"I-I-I love you." Once the words were uttered, Todd hung his head against Bo's chest and wept even harder.
Bo squeezed Todd gently. "Right back atcha, son, right back atcha."
"It's okay, Todd. Tell Susannah in what way you feel sick," Bo prompted.
"I like it when you call me son," Todd whispered.
Bo smiled and hugged Todd a little harder. "Okay, son. You tell Susannah what's wrong so she can fix it."
"Son, listen to me," Bo said softly, but firmly. He realized that Todd had regressed to a younger stage. "You need to do this. I know you're scared. It's okay to be scared."
"You don't think I'm acting like a little girl?" Todd asked through his tears.
"No. Absolutely not. I think you're very brave."
"You want me to have an IV and pictures of my head?"
"Yes, I do. It's important. You need the medication that will help you and Susannah needs to see if you hurt your head or not. I want you to stay healthy."
"You don't wish I was dead cause I ruined your life?" A tear splashed down Bo's cheek. "It would break my heart if you died."
*****
Nora, Susannah and Frank's eyes were on Bo and Todd. None of them noticed Sam standing silently in the doorway, taking in what was going on. They didn't see the wounded expression on his face or the pain in his eyes when he saw Todd in Bo's arms and heard Todd tell Bo he loved him. Sam stood frozen. He couldn't believe what he was seeing or hearing. So much of what he feared was coming true. Helping me get out on bail was just another part of their plot, Sam thought to himself.
Sam walked away without anyone in Todd's room knowing he had been there. He wanted to leave the hospital, now. They did it. They got him alone and they turned him against me, completely. They did something to him. Why wasn't Viki with him? What about Téa and Kevin? Do they want that? Do they want Todd to love Bo, so Bo and the Buchanans can do something to him? Sam thought frantically.
Téa stood in the doorway, weeping softly. She turned around to tell Sam that Todd was confused and he shouldn't take it to heart. Sam was gone. Téa rushed out into the hallway. No Sam. She then rushed to the nurses station. "Nancy, did you just see Sam go by here?"
"Yes, he left the unit. He seemed upset. He kind of snarled that I should open the doors."
"Damn!" Téa said with frustration. She had no idea where he might have gone off to. She didn't want to leave the unit right now anyway.
*****
"NO!" Todd shouted, cutting Téa off. He was terrified that her words mixed with his love for her and desire to have her near him would keep him from doing what had to be done. Suddenly Todd thought of someone he was sure would help save Téa from him. Perhaps not the rest of them, but he was sure that at least Téa would be saved. "NO MORE LISTENING!"
*****
"What about Delgado? Is she here?" Todd asked anxiously.
"Yes. Téa's here. She's probably outside your room," Susannah informed him.
Todd hung his head. "W-was I . . . d-did I . . . who saw . . . nev-never mind." Todd couldn't bring himself to ask.
"Todd you did nothing in front of Téa that you need to be embarrassed for. She was not hurt in any way. You didn't say or do anything to her that you would regret."
Tears slowly made their way down Todd's cheeks. His head remained hung in shame.
*****
"Dorian Hayes?" the voice on the other end asked.
It didn't sound familiar to Dorian, yet she knew she'd heard it before. "Speaking."
"It's Spencer Wilson."
Dorian was surprised, if not shocked, to hear from the private detective she hired more than two months ago in her effort to find James Porter, the man Victor had paid nearly a quarter of a million dollars to.
Spencer Wilson got right to the point. "I found James Porter."
"My god!" Dorian said to herself. To Mr. Wilson, she said, "It took you long enough."
"He's an ex PI. He knows how not to be found."
"He isn't still working as a PI?" Dorian asked.
"Nope. He can't stay sober long enough to hold down that or any other kind of a job. He's living in St. Louis, in this run down boarding house. He does occasional odd jobs when he's sober enough."
"As of yesterday he was," Spencer answered. "The thing is, he goes off for a few days or a week or two every few weeks. From what I was told, he sobers himself up, packs a small bag and leaves for somewhere. No one knows where. He comes back sober and is usually drunk again a few hours after he's back. He stays drunk until he goes off to wherever it is he goes."
"Is he on one of those sobering trips of his now?" Dorian asked.
"Yep. It seems I just missed him by a few hours, after I finally traced him to here."
"Damn!" Dorian exclaimed.
"He'll be back. He always comes back. I would have followed him if I'd gotten here before he left," Spencer assured Dorian. He didn't want her to think he wasn't doing the job she was paying him so well to do.
Dorian thought for a minute. "All right, I want you to stay there. I want you to let me know the second he comes back to his room. Do you understand me?"
*****
Viki saw the younger version of herself making a rocking motion with her arms. She stood frozen as the young Viki in her dream turned around. She saw that young Viki was holding an infant in her arms, an infant wrapped in a blue blanket. She watched as the twenty-something Viki held the infant close to her heart and kissed its silky blonde head. "I won't let him hurt you," young Viki whispered to the child.
Viki woke up with tears pouring down her cheeks. She was holding a pillow in her arms . . . pressed to her heart. Perspiration was dripping off of Viki. At the same time she was shivering. Her chest hurt and she could not catch her breath. Her entire body was tingling. She knew she was having an anxiety attack . . . a severe one.
*****
"Blair, it's Sam Vance. I think I found just what you were looking for. It seems your instincts about Doctor Susannah Hanen were right on the money," Sam laughed at her own joke.
"I'll be right there," Blair said excitedly into the phone. Blair's eyes burned with anger. "Maybe now I'll have the proof Sam needs to bring Todd home, to me and to Starr and away from that horrible hospital . . . away from all of them . . . most of all away from Ms. Téa Delgado," Blair said to herself.
*****
Sam Vance was talking to another client on the phone when Blair burst into her office.
"Just a moment please," Sam said into the phone. She pressed a button to place this client on hold. "Blair, there is something called knocking. You know, you make a fist and tap the door with your knuckles."
"I'm sure whatever you're talking about is not as important as telling me what you found out about Susannah Hanen."
Sam sighed. "No, there is nothing in the universe that's as important as your needs."
Blair glared at her. Then with false sweetness she asked, "Please, Sam. Can you get the hell off the phone and tell me what you found out?"
Sam pressed a button and spoke into the phone. "Would it be all right if I get back to you in about an hour? An emergency just popped up . . . thanks." Sam hung up. She pulled herself up in her chair and pointed to one of the chairs facing her desk. "Have a seat, Blair. Would you like some coffee of tea? I could send out for some muffins. Oh, the coffee shop on the corner makes a wonderful fruit salad."
Blair could tell Sam was taunting her now. "I don't appreciate this game playing Sam!"
"And I don't appreciate rude clients that burst into my office and order me off the phone when I'm speaking with another client."
Blair rolled her eyes. "I'm sorry." Her look turned sincere. "I am sorry. I've been so anxious. When you called, I felt like I couldn't wait another second."
"Apology accepted." Sam pulled out a file. "It looks like you might be right about Todd's doctor, at least as far as accepting money from one of the Buchanans."
"Oh my god." Blair had always told herself she believed this about Susannah. Now she realized that wasn't the case. She was truly shocked by Sam's words. "Was it Asa, Kevin or Bo?"
"Asa," Sam confirmed. "Eighteen days ago, five hundred thousand dollars was electronically transferred from Asa Buchanan's bank account to Susannah Hanen's."
Blair's mouth hung open. "Five hundred thousand dollars!"
"Even with a doctor's income that is a very nice chunk of change, don't you think?" Sam said with a smile on her face.
Blair's heart began to pound. Despite all her accusations, she felt a depth of fear for Todd that she had not experienced before. "Oh my god. I have to get Todd out of there! Now! Today!"
"Blair, calm down. You can't go in there screaming accusations and just pull Todd out of there."
"God, they would ban me from seeing him. Doctor Hanen and Viki have threatened to take my name off the approved visitors list in the past."
Sam leaned forward. "Do you have an attorney?"
"Yes. Of-of course I have an attorney. I went to see him months ago. He said my chances of becoming Todd's legal guardian are very slim. He does believe me. He can tell from the things I've told him and showed him that I was most likely right about all my suspicions, especially about Téa!" Blair added bitterly. "We had no proof. He said even if we did, they might grant a state appointed guardian for Todd instead of family member. I don't want that. As naive as Viki might be, she loves Todd dearly. I don't want a stranger making decisions for Todd."
"Then you need someone you can trust to take this to a judge and show them that Viki's judgment might not be as sound as it used to be,” Sam advised. “Have him or her subpoena Doctor Hanen and Asa Buchanan's bank records. What about Sam Rappaport? Didn't you say he was suspicious of Doctor Hanen and the Buchanans too?"
Blair thought about this for a minute. She wondered if she missed her chance. Even without the knowledge of what transpired between Sam and Garret, Blair feared Sam might be too unstable now for any judge to give him sole guardianship, even if she did promise to be there for Todd. Blair was terrified that if Viki was proven an unfit guardian and Sam was too, Todd would end up with a state appointed guardian making all decisions for him. Then something else occurred to Blair. What if they gave Téa sole guardianship of Todd? Téa volunteered to allow Viki to be Todd's guardian. As Todd's wife she could ask the court to appoint her. Oh god, Blair thought. She took a deep breath. Sam is all I have. He's the only one who can make this work. He can testify to all the carrying on he's seen between Téa and Kevin. It won't be just my word and the pictures I have. If only Sam can hold himself together until we get Todd away from them . . . away from all of them, and back to me and our little girl.
"Blair? Are you listening to me?" Sam asked when she saw Blair lost in thought.
"Yes. Sam Rappaport is the best one. He's the only one," Blair added.
"Blair, did your attorney or Sam ever tell you that Todd does have a right to go to court and speak on his own behalf or have an attorney of his choosing do it for him?"
"Yes. Matthew Allen, my attorney, did tell me that. He told me they would be talking to Todd if there were any new decisions made about his guardianship."
"Do you think Todd can handle that?"
Tears welled up in Blair's eyes. "I don't know." Blair knew if Todd were asked what he wanted right now, he'd ask to be sent away from Starr, from everyone. Blair didn't want to chance that. She knew she'd have to approach Todd when he was rational enough and try to get him to understand that coming home to the penthouse was the best and safest thing for him.
"You have a lot to think about before you set this in motion," Sam stated.
Blair nodded and swallowed hard. Here was the proof she'd been waiting for. It was not the victory she thought it would be. She was afraid. Something still puzzled Blair. "I can understand Asa, the cocky son of a bitch that he is, not covering his tracks too carefully. Wouldn't Doctor Hanen have been more careful?"
"One would think so," Sam agreed. "Perhaps it never occurred to her that anyone would ever think to check. I had to call in some favors and pull a few not so ethical moves to get the information. Actually, Asa's money aside, Susannah Hanen is not all that well to do. She's comfortable. She does give to a hell of a lot of charities, I'll give her that," Sam answered with a slight grin on her face. "You do understand that money from Asa showing up in Susannah Hanen's bank account does not prove any wrongdoing. They can come up with a hundred different reasons why Asa gave her that money. What it can do is create suspicion in the eyes of a judge."
"Mr. Allen will know what to do. And Sam was one of the best attorneys in the country," Blair declared.
"Was?" Sam picked up on that.
"Is," Blair corrected herself. It wasn't public knowledge that Sam was having a breakdown. Blair wanted it kept that way. "He hasn't been practicing since Todd's been ill. I'm sure it will all come right back to him."
Sam handed Blair the papers with the banking transactions on them.
Blair handed her a check for the remainder of her fee.
"If you need to find out anything else, give me a call. I really do care about Todd," Sam reminded her.
"Thank you." Blair stood up. "I will." She left the office.
Sam could tell Blair's mind was heavy with thought. She knew this was not going to be easy for any of them, especially for Todd. Sam eyed her copy of the papers she had just given Blair. She had also done some snooping on her own, snooping into Susannah's life.
"Hmm, Doctor Hanen, from what I was told about you, you are not the type to do something like this," Sam said to herself. "Then again, people do a lot of things for money that they wouldn't normally do. Still, you're not a big spender. You like to live simply. You drive an old car by choice. You never run up big credit card bills. Material things seem to mean nothing to you. You never were one to care what anyone thought. From what I can tell, you've always marched to your own drummer and never showed any sign of trying to impress anyone with your title or your possessions. You did a stint in the Peace Corps. You volunteer at homeless and women's shelters. From everything I found out about you, all you've ever cared about was helping your patients and the unfortunate. You've spent a good portion of your career working at free clinics and treating patients that couldn't afford your fee, for free. It also seems that you and your sister were on the outs for many years. Why would you suddenly take money from Asa Buchanan to hurt Todd?"
Something about this whole business didn't feel right to Sam. Even though it wasn't easy for her to gain access to Susannah's bank account, once she had, the trail of money was too easy to follow. No, something about this didn't feel right at all. Sam knew that, on her own, she would look into this further, hopefully before any damage was done to Todd or to Doctor Hanen, if she truly wasn't guilty.
*****
Susannah's diagnosis was correct. Todd had a mild concussion, nothing more. Everyone was relieved. Todd was frightened when they wheeled him down to radiology. However, with Bo by his side and the reassuring words Bo gave him the entire time; Todd managed to stay reasonably calm. He did panic when he realized they were going to place him in the tunnel-like scanner. More sedation was added to Todd's IV and he fell asleep quickly. Todd was already back in his own bed when he started to wake up fully. Bo was sitting with him. Todd looked surprised to see him. Even though he was still groggy, Todd’s eyes seemed more focused. He was less in a daze.
"Bo?" Todd looked around in confusion. He pushed himself up on his elbows.
"I'm right here son."
"Ohhh," Todd moaned. He reached up and touched his head.
Bo gently pulled Todd’s hand away from his head. "You've got a nasty bump there, but you'll be all right. It's a mild concussion."
Todd looked even more confused. Then some of it came back to him. "You were here." He looked around the room again. "Nora was here too?" Todd sounded like himself again, not like the regressed child that had clung to Bo before he'd been sedated.
"Yes. We've both been here for a while. Do you need something for that headache?" Bo asked.
Todd shook his head slightly, as more memories came back to him. They came back in confusing disconnected images and words. "You're not here to arrest me?"
"No," Bo answered softly. He tenderly placed his hand on Todd's shoulder. Bo felt Todd's muscles tighten. He was sure Todd was coming back to himself. He quickly removed his hand.
Todd had a flash of a memory. He remembered Nora holding him and telling him she didn't want him to go away and that she forgave him for what he did to her when she was blind. He shook his head as if to clear it. "I know that didn't really happen," Todd whispered to himself.
"What didn't really happen?" Bo asked.
Todd stared down at the sheets. He looked embarrassed. "Nothing . . . just a stupid dream."
"Do you wanna talk about it?" Bo encouraged.
Todd looked into Bo's eyes for a split second, and then quickly looked away. "I dreamed Nora forgave me for what I did to her and she told me she doesn't want me to leave here. Don't worry," Todd said before Bo had a chance to respond. "I know it was just a dream. I don't think it really happened."
"It did happen Todd. It wasn't a dream," Nora confirmed as she walked over to Todd's bed. Nora had asked Dave, who was posted outside the door to Todd's room, to let her know when Todd woke up. She knew Bo wouldn't want to leave Todd's side just as he was waking up. Nora could tell immediately that Todd was no longer in the regressed state he'd been in.
Todd looked frightened. "I never asked you to forgive me. Did they make you tell me that?"
"No," Nora shook her head. "No one made or even asked me to tell you that."
Todd stared into her eyes for a moment. He turned his head and stared out the window. "I don't need your pity Nora . . . or yours Bo. You don't have to humor poor crazy Todd."
Nora and Bo exchanged looks. They both shook their heads' in frustration. Susannah had told them about Todd always taking steps, sometimes giant ones, backward, after any baby step forward.
"Look at me Todd," Nora said in a no nonsense tone.
Todd continued to stare out the window. "Look at me!" Nora reached out and turned Todd's face toward hers.
Todd was shocked. He didn't think Nora would ever willingly touch him again. He stared into her eyes.
"Do you remember when you were shot by that cop, right after you saved C.J. Roberts, Jessie and Marty?"
"Yeah," Todd answered. He was confused. He had no idea why Nora would be bringing that up.
"And do you also remember almost dying after Powell stabbed you?"
Todd nodded. "Yeah . . . so?"
"And then you came back after almost being killed in Ireland. I thought you were dead. Everyone thought you were dead."
"Too bad for everyone I wasn't," Todd said bitterly.
"No, actually, it was horrible for your sister and for Blair. Your daughter would have missed out on having a great father and Sam would have been devastated if he never got to see you again. Téa would have missed out on finding the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with, but that's not why I mentioned any of those times. I brought those times up because after each one, there were some people that thought what a shame . . . maybe Todd is changing and he doesn't deserve what happened to him. I was never one of those people. I never felt sorry for you. I always thought you deserved what happened to you. And while I never wished you dead, I was not overjoyed to hear that you had survived either."
"Big surprise," Todd mumbled.
"I never felt pity for you Todd. I never pretended to like you or forgive you or want you around just because something horrible happened to you or because you were hurt, sick or anything else. Do you think if your death, several times over I may add, didn't make me proclaim false sympathy and forgiveness for you, then this would? Okay, so you're ill. Lots of people get ill. You're here, where you can get help. You can get better. You have a great many people that love you and will support you. There are many people that are sick and have no one. I don't feel sorry for you and neither does Bo. You've been working hard, trying to get well and that's something we admire. You've made mistakes. So have we. You said you were sorry for what you did. Do you remember that?"
Todd's chin and lower lip trembled. "Yeah," he whispered.
"If you could take back what you did, would you?" Nora asked.
Todd nodded. A tear trickled down his cheek.
"I told you I was sorry because I was wrong to throw your trial. I was wrong to do it as a lawyer and as a person. Do you remember me saying that?"
Todd shrugged slightly. "I think so."
"You told me you forgave me for it," Nora reminded Todd. "Did you say that because you felt sorry for me because I felt bad about what I had done?"
"No," Todd admitted softly.
"Can you tell me why you forgave me?" Nora pressed.
"Because I lied to you and you had every right to hate me, but you're still sorry for what you did."
"Do Bo and I have the same right to forgive someone, even if it's you, because he's truly sorry for what he did?"
Todd's eyes shifted from Nora to Bo and back again. He looked down at the sheets again. "Yeah . . . whatever."
Bo and Nora exchanged quick glances. They knew that it would take Todd time and work to truly believe that, and even more time to feel their care and forgiveness, and much more time past that to believe he deserves to be forgiven, cared about and loved. Nevertheless, this was a start. He allowed himself to hear them.
Something suddenly occurred to Todd. He looked fearful and embarrassed at the same time. "Nora?"
"Yes."
"Doctor Hanen forgot to warn you. You gotta . . . um . . . you-you touched me . . . you . . . Bo you too . . . if you touched me . . . I'm . . . I hurt people . . . horrible things happen to people after I touch them . . . they . . . you gotta go wash. Don't touch Rachel before you wash or it'll get on her too."
Nora sighed.
So did Dave from where he stood near the door, in case Todd escalated or Bo and Nora had a problem handling something Todd said. Dave asked Marcia to let Susannah and Todd's family know he woke up, no longer regressed.
Bo and Nora glanced in Dave's direction. They didn't want to say the wrong thing.
Dave motioned for them to continue. They were doing a great job.
"Todd," Nora began. "I have never heard such a bunch of crap in my life."
"It's true!" Todd insisted. "I have to leave here before I end up killing everyone."
"Viki, Sam, Téa, even Kevin has touched you. They've held you in their arms. You've held your child since she was a baby. Bo and I have touched you. Nothing has happened to any of us."
"You don't understand. It's like there's some kind of evil in me . . . some kind of poison . . . I don't wanna hurt everyone . . . I have to . . . I can't make it stop."
Dave knew Todd felt he couldn't stop this because he was powerless as a child. He could not keep Peter from abusing him, raping and murdering Michelle, abusing animals, forcing him to sexually abuse his mother and possibly commit other horrendous acts. Those feelings of powerlessness remained.
Nora sat on Todd's bed. She took his face between her hands, before he could pull away from her. "Your touch does not hurt anyone. No one can be hurt by touching you."
Bo sat on the other side of the bed, sandwiching Todd between him and Nora. He held Todd's arm and hand.
Todd tried to squirm away, but Bo and Nora kept him securely between them.
"It's true, Todd," Bo began. "You know I'm always the first to come after you if I think you hurt someone. If you were hurting all these people, I'd stop you."
"I care about all the people you think you hurt Todd," Nora pointed out. "I'd stop you too and so would Hank. Hank knows I've touched you and then Rachel. You can't believe that Hank would let you get away with hurting Rachel."
"All of these people love you Todd. They love you dearly. There is not one of them whose life wouldn't be made totally miserable if you weren't around. They love you and they want to be able to show it to you. They want you to love them and feel free to show it to them," Bo stated.
"Leave me alone!" Todd pleaded.
Susannah had joined Dave, just as Bo and Nora sat on Todd's bed. Susannah saw that her sister and Bo were handling Todd just fine. She stayed back until now. "Todd, it's hard to hear how loved you are, isn't it?"
"I don't deserve love," Todd proclaimed loudly.
"You do," Nora said firmly. She continued to keep her hands on either side of Todd's face.
"I'm hurting everyone! You should see what I did to Delgado." It was obvious that Todd still remembered the last horrible nightmare he had and he was still confusing it with reality.
"You haven't hurt anyone. Téa is alive and well," Bo declared. "The only thing that's upsetting her is not being in here with you right now. She loves you Todd."
"Let go!" Todd cried out.
"It's true Todd. Téa loves you," Nora's face was close to Todd's as she spoke. "She knows your touch will not hurt her. So do Viki and Sam. They all love you more than life. The only way you can hurt them is to push them away or leave them."
"Why don't you hate me? You both should hate me," Todd wept. "Because you're not a bad person," Bo answered first.
"You've done bad things," Nora added, "because bad things were done to you. But you're not a bad person. You have a chance now, a good chance, to learn how to stop doing bad things, to yourself and to everyone else. You need to take that chance Todd."
"You can do it. I believe in you," Bo gently squeezed Todd's hand as he spoke. "We both believe in you. We believe that you are strong enough and brave enough to get through therapy."
"You deserve the chance Todd. You deserve to be helped. You deserve the love and the caring. You deserve to be happy. It's all right to allow yourself to accept it," Nora said gently.
"We want love and happiness for you. If we feel that way, can you imagine how much your family wants it for you? Give yourself a chance, son. Let Susannah, the staff here, and your family help you. Let us help you," Bo offered.
Todd stopped struggling. Nora and Bo felt his muscles relax. From the look on his face and the way his body was drooping, they could tell it was more exhaustion than Todd believing that he could get better and achieve even some happiness someday.
Bo and Nora let go of him. They each moved back, giving him some space.
Todd looked into Nora's eyes and moved his stare to Bo and then Susannah and Dave. He swung his legs over the side of the bed. "I'm not gonna hurt myself," he announced, before they had a chance to say anything.
"We trust you," Susannah said softly. "You need get up slowly. The medication you were given might make you dizzy when you stand."
Todd got up as cautiously as Susannah advised. The last thing he wanted was to fall in front of everyone. "I'm okay," he made sure to let them know. "You don't have to touch me."
Todd walked over to the window. He looked down at the people on the street. He felt like an alien looking out of a spaceship. He no longer felt a part of that world. He felt totally disconnected from those he saw. He watched for a few minutes as people went about their business. Some of them were going to work; some were heading home from their jobs. There were people out doing shopping and some were just walking. People headed to restaurants and supermarkets, schools and movie theaters. Some walked in couples . . . holding hands . . . linking arms. Some had children with them. There were some getting out of cars, buses, taxis and ambulettes . . . visitors to those in the hospital . . . patients arriving for appointments or admittance. All of them seemed to have a purpose. Todd couldn't imagine doing any of these things anymore. He wasn't part of that world. He felt disconnected from everyone and everything. Life went on without him in it. Tears filled his eyes.
Everything started to look surreal. Nothing looked familiar. Todd felt as if he were seeing it all for the first time. The people and the buildings began to look wavy. The buildings appeared to be breathing. They began to look like they were becoming smaller. At the same time, they appeared to be moving away. The people, the buildings, the cars on the street, everything, looked as if a veil were shading it. Todd's heart started to pound. He broke out in a cold sweat. His chest hurt and he felt like he was suffocating. Todd jumped away from the window. It was obvious that he was terrified by what he was seeing. He backed against the wall. He looked around at all of them. Everyone and everything in the room looked far away and as if it was being seen through a filter. Their voices echoed around him. Nothing seemed real. His fear was palpable.
"Oh god! Make it stop! Make it stop. I can't breathe. I can't feel. Make it stop," Todd cried out.
Susannah motioned for the others to hold back. She slowly approached Todd. "Tell me what's happening," Susannah prompted.
"Everything's weird. It's changing and moving. It's . . . I don't know. I don't know! Nothing looks right. It's like I never saw it before. I'm dead! I can't feel. I . . ." Todd couldn't talk anymore. He was gasping for breath. Sweat poured off of him. He raised both hands to his chest as he felt his heart pound and his chest ache.
"Take some deep breaths," Susannah directed. "Use your coping skills."
Todd was frozen in fear.
Bo and Nora hadn't seen this happen to him before. They had no idea of the severity of the panic attacks he suffered.
At first, Todd couldn't help himself. Susannah directed him every step of the way. It took more than fifteen minutes before Todd was able to utilize his coping skills on his own. Finally, his breathing slowed. He stopped sweating. The pain in his chest, the numbness in his fingers, and the tingling around in his lips ceased. Todd slid down the wall. He hugged his knees to his chest and buried his head in them.
Marcia and Carl had come into the room during the panic attack. Carl handed Susannah a towel. Marcia stood by with a clean dry sweatshirt.
Susannah knelt down next to Todd. "Todd, you're soaked with sweat. Will you let me take your shirt off and dry you with a towel and put a fresh shirt on you?"
Todd nodded without lifting his head.
"Honey, I need you to sit up straight for a few minutes," Susannah gently instructed.
Slowly, Todd lifted his head. "Good job. I need you to lift your arms up."
Todd did as Susannah asked.
Susannah pulled the wet sweatshirt off of him. She gently blotted his torso with the towel and then blotted his face and hair. She took the clean shirt from Marcia and carefully pulled Todd's arms through it and then pulled the neck hole down over Todd's head. "There you go. How are you feeling?" Susannah inquired.
Todd wrapped his arms tightly around himself. "I'm cold. I'm so cold."
Dave retrieved one of the blankets from the bed. "Todd, I'm going to put this blanket around you, okay buddy?"
Todd nodded.
Dave arranged the blanket around Todd's shoulders. "Okay." He placed the two ends of the blanket in Todd's hands. "You keep this wrapped tightly around yourself. It'll help you stay warm and help make things feel more real for you."
Susannah and the staff knew the blanket would help with more than Todd's physical need for warmth. They knew that tightly wrapping him or herself in a blanket, often helped with that "coming apart" feeling patients with dissociative disorders experienced. It helped to reinforce external boundaries for them. For Todd the effects were usually minimal. When he felt this frightened and vulnerable it was almost impossible for him to feel warm and safe. Nevertheless, it did help as much as possible.
Standing by the window used to be Todd's safe place, now it was contributing to his fear and panic.
"Todd, would you like sit in the big comfortable chair?" Susannah asked.
He didn't answer. He pulled the blanket tighter around himself and rocked in a self-soothing manner.
"Okay, honey," Susannah said softly. "You can stay right where you are. If there is a place on the unit where you will feel safer, let us know and we'll help you to get there."
Despite the warm blanket he was wrapped in, Todd continued to shiver. The panic attack had subsided. However, Todd was still filled with fear and anxiety. "I'm not real. Nothing's real," he whispered over and over again as he continued to rock himself.
Susannah hoped that Todd would take some medication willingly, the way he had earlier. She thought perhaps Bo's seal of approval would have some lasting effects, even when Todd was not regressed and confusing Bo with his father. Susannah told Marcia to bring a mild sedative that she'd left prn orders for. "Todd, will you take some medication to help you calm down?"
Todd hesitated. He didn't automatically refuse. He was desperate to rid himself of this feeling. He looked in Bo's direction. Some part of what had transpired between Bo and Todd, when Todd was in the regressed state, came back to him. He didn't remember the words that had been spoken. It was the feeling that Bo's gentle fatherly affection gave him and Bo's approval and love that Todd remembered.
Bo realized what was happening. He walked to where Todd sat on the floor and knelt down next to him. Todd looked young and fragile as he huddled against the wall, wrapped in the blanket he held so tightly that his knuckles were white.
Todd looked into Bo's eyes. He felt small and vulnerable. "Doctor Hanen wants me to take some medicine," Todd stated anxiously.
"I think it would be a good idea for you to take it, son. It'll make you feel better."
Todd thought again for a few moments. He looked up at Susannah. "I don't wanna go to sleep. I'll have bad dreams."
"This won't put you to sleep. It'll just help you not to feel so cold and anxious," Susannah explained.
Todd looked into Bo's eyes again, for approval and reassurance.
Bo gently stroked Todd's still damp hair. "Go ahead, son. It'll be all right."
Slowly, Todd reached out a trembling hand. He held the blanket closed with the other hand.
Marcia turned the medicine cup over so that the pill fell into Todd's palm.
Todd looked at the small white pill in his hand. He looked up at Bo again.
Bo smiled encouragingly.
The trembling in Todd's hand increased as he brought the medication to his mouth. Without taking his eyes from Bo's, he dropped the pill in his mouth.
Bo took the cup of water from Marcia and held it to Todd's lips.
Todd drank until the cup was empty.
"You did good son," Bo praised.
"I need to check that you swallowed it. Open your mouth hon," Marcia instructed.
Todd did as he was asked. He opened his mouth and then lifted his tongue when Marcia asked him too. He was still feeling detached and in a dream like state. At the same time he was anxious and fearful.
Marcia and Carl left the room. Dave stayed, along with Susannah, Bo and Nora.
Bo sat down next to Todd. He put his arm around Todd's shoulder and kept it there until the medication kicked in.
Nora stared at her husband and Todd. It was a sight she never thought she'd see. Then again she never thought she'd ever willingly touch Todd. Not only had she hugged him to her when she was trying to bring him back, she still felt like taking this fragile young man into her arms, as some of the maternal feelings she felt for the baby shifted over to Todd.
As Todd's muscles relaxed, he leaned into Bo.
Bo held his arm securely around Todd's shoulder. He felt Todd snuggle into him.
Todd stared straight ahead. Out of nowhere, he whispered, "I'm a good football player."
Bo gave Todd's shoulder a gentle squeeze. "I know you are. I saw you play. You were the best player on the team."
Todd looked into Bo's eyes. "You really came to see me play?"
"I sure did, several times. You could have turned pro. You're that good, son."
Todd smiled weakly. "I practiced harder than anyone. I lifted weights until my hands were bleeding. I ate until I felt sick. I wanted to be big and strong and the best."
"It worked, because you were the best. The thing is, son, you were already the best before you did any of that. You don't have to prove a thing. You just have to be yourself. Everyone loves you just for being Todd."
Todd hung his head. Tears trickled down his cheeks and splashed onto the blanket. "I can't remember it anymore," he said in a voice so low, they had to strain to hear him.
"What can't you remember?" Susannah asked.
"What it's like to just be Todd." Todd pulled away from Bo. He stood up. He continued to hold the blanket around him, only not as tightly. The sedative was helping. Todd walked back to the window. He glanced through it and turned away. Things still looked frightening. With the help of the sedative, he didn't panic this time. Todd pointed to the world beyond the shatterproof glass. "I don't belong out there anymore. It's all weird now. I'm not real anymore." He took another quick glance outside. "It was better when I couldn't see it." Todd looked into Susannah's eyes. "Was I ever really a part of that or did I dream it?"
Susannah could tell that Todd was serious. It was not a rhetorical question. "You were," she assured him. "Can you tell me what your job was?"
Todd appeared confused for a moment. He was beginning to panic again as he tried to remember.
Bo and Nora exchanged anxious looks with each other. It frightened them to see Todd this confused. They wondered if they had caused this.
Finally Todd seemed to calm a little. "I-I own a newspaper. I'm the publisher. Right?"
Susannah smiled. "Yes, honey. That's exactly right. Do you remember the name of the newspaper you own?"
Todd thought again. "The Sun?"
"Yep. The Sun. And from what everyone says, you did a fantastic job as its publisher. You turned it into a huge success," Susannah pointed out.
More tears fell down Todd's cheek. "I can't do it anymore. I can't do anything anymore. I can't think or concentrate. I can't remember stuff. I'll never get to do any of that again."
"I know it seems that way now, but you will. I promise you will. You've already shown great progress. Your thinking is much clearer than it used to be and your ability to concentrate has increased. You were severely depressed, honey, and that contributes to both of those problems. Your depression is lifting. That's helped. It’s also difficult to think straight when you’re feeling panic. As that subsides your thinking and memory will be clearer."
"It doesn't feel like anything's better. I still don't know where I am or what's going on." Todd let the blanket drop. He punched himself in the arm, as hard as he could.
Susannah quickly grabbed his wrists.
Dave stood ready to restrain Todd if it became necessary.
Nora and Bo looked frightened for Todd.
"No hurting yourself," Susannah stated firmly.
"I wanna feel it!" Todd cried out.
"What do you want to feel?" Susannah pressed gently.
"Real! Like them!" Todd looked terrified. "I'm dead. Maybe I did die in Ireland? I'm nothing! I don't exist." Todd's breathing was becoming erratic again.
Susannah stuck her head out the door and asked Carl to bring some ice cubes to Todd's room. Then she turned back to Todd. "You feel detached from everything, like you're not a part of the world other people inhabit," Susannah decoded Todd's words in feelings.
Todd nodded. "I can't feel anymore." He pointed out the window again. "I can't feel what it's like to be like that. It’s so scary. Everything looks weird and I feel weird. I'm not real anymore."
"Honey, the way you feel has names. Feeling like you're not real is called depersonalization. Everything looking weird is called derealization. They're both different ways of dissociating when stress becomes too great. These are things that can be fixed. You won't always feel this way. We ca . . ."
"Please let me hurt myself," Todd begged, before Susannah had a chance to finish what she was saying.
"How does hurting yourself help?" Susannah pressed.
"It makes me feel real. It makes me feel!"
Carl came back in with a small bowl of ice. He handed it to Susannah.
"Todd, there are other things, besides hurting yourself, that you can do to feel real. We'll teach you what those things are. I want you to try one right now. Take an ice cube in each of your hands."
Todd gave her a puzzled look, but he did as she instructed. He was willing to do anything to make this terrifying feeling stop.
"Good job," Susannah praised. "I want you to focus on the sensation of the ice melting in your hands. Don't think of anything else."
Again Todd followed directions. Soon his breathing slowed down. He was visibly calmer.
"Keep feeling that ice melt. Your hands are real Todd. Feel how the ice makes them wet and cold. Rub your face with the melted cubes," Susannah directed.
Todd rubbed his hands all over his face and neck.
"You're real Todd. You can feel the sensation of the ice," Susannah said in calm monotone. "I want you to tell yourself that you're real."
Todd hesitated for a few moments. He continued to rub the ice on his face and neck. "I'm real," he finally whispered."
"You're doing great Todd. Say it again."
"I'm real," Todd said a little louder. He looked into Susannah's eyes. "I'm real."
Susannah smiled. "Yes, you are honey. You are very real."
"You did a great job helping yourself," Dave praised Todd.
"You sure did son," Bo confirmed.
"You really did, Todd," Nora added. "You should be proud of yourself."
Todd looked into Nora's eyes. He thought she was putting him on. He was shocked to see sincerity.
"Will those weird feelings stay away?" Todd asked Susannah.
"They might come back," Susannah answered honestly. "If they do, you know some more coping skills to help you. You also need to tell someone, family or staff, if you start to feel that way. You won't ever be alone. We'll be there helping you though it. You can ask for some medication to help you feel better too. Will you contract with me to always tell someone if you start to feel those weird feelings?"
Todd nodded in agreement.
"Good job. We are very proud of you." Susannah reinforced Todd's compliance.
Todd's chin trembled as he tried to hold back his tears. "How do I make the weird feelings never come back again?"
"With therapy. We'll talk about why they happen. We'll discover what triggers them. Some are triggered by the feelings left behind from things you don't yet remember," Susannah explained.
Todd couldn't hold back his tears anymore. "Therapy hurts so much. It's so hard. Everything hurts so much. What if I can't?" Todd looked at each of them with pleading tear filled eyes. "What if I can't be helped? What if I can't do this? I'm a coward. What if I'm not strong enough to do this? It hurts so much. I don't wanna remember things."
"I know it hurts," Bo acknowledged. "I wish it didn't have to. I also know you're a very strong young man and a very smart one. I know you can do this."
"Bo's right Todd," Nora chimed in. "You've survived things other people never could. It's not fair that you've had to. I know it seems even less fair that you have to suffer even more in order to get your life back. If there were an easier less painful way, Susannah and your family would give it to you. They'd give it to you in an instant. There isn't. You can do this. You deserve to get well and to go home. You deserve every bit of the love your family has for you. I know you don't believe that right now. The rest of us do. If we could give you that chance at a good and happy life we would do it . . . all of us . . . your family . . . Susannah . . . the staff here . . . Bo and I . . . all of us. We would do it for you if we could . . . that's not possible. You have to give it to yourself. You have to allow yourself to get well, even if doing that will cause you pain. You have to allow yourself to be happy. No on can do it for you Todd, no matter how much we wish we could."
Todd looked into Nora's eyes. "What if you're wrong?" Todd's eyes traveled to Bo's. "What if you're both wrong and everyone is wrong? What if I really am cursed in some way and I end up hurting everyone? Will all of you want me to be happy then? Will you still want me around here? No! You'll wish you'd gotten rid of me when you had your chance. What will you tell my daughter if something terrible happens to her because of me? What will you tell Viki and Sam? What about Delgado? She thinks she can have a good life with me. She thinks we can grow old together. What are you gonna tell her when she realizes she threw away whatever chance at a real life she had because of me? What are you gonna tell each other when something terrible happens and it's my fault? You wanna know what you and everyone else will say? You'll say how much you hate me! You'll blame me and want me out of your lives. You'll wish that I was dead and that I was never born in the first place. You'll all go back to thinking I'm a loser and a pile of garbage. You'll all leave forever anyway, so why should I do things that make me feel like my guts and heart is being ripped out of me?"
"Because we're worth the gamble Todd."
Everyone turned in Téa's direction. No one heard her come into the room.
Téa walked over to Todd. "I've never known you not to take a risk for something that you want badly enough. Do you want your life with all of us back?"
Todd stood frozen. He wanted Téa's arms around him so badly that he ached for them. He was terrified he'd give into it. Todd still believed he could hurt her, if not immediately with his touch than sooner or later. He believed he'd either hurt her so badly that she'd die or end up hating him and leaving him.
"Go away Delgado. I told you I don't want you here."
Bo and Nora exchanged glances and nods. "Todd, Nora and I are going out to the lounge," Bo informed him. "We'll still be on the unit if you need us."
Todd's eyes followed them to the door. For a moment, those still in Todd's room thought he was going to run after them.
