*****

Sam, Viki and Téa waited in the lounge area near Susannah's office. All of them sat silently. They were tense. They were each lost in thought.

Viki was worried about Kevin as well as Todd. She knew if he made things worse for Todd he'd never forgive himself.

Sam was frightened for Todd. Sam feared something else too. He felt as if Todd were shutting him out of his life. First Todd did not want Sam to touch him. Now Todd didn't want Sam to be his attorney. Sam knew he didn't deserve Todd's trust or love. That didn't take away the pain of rejection that Sam was feeling. He blamed himself. He believed Todd should hate him. He hated himself. More and more, Sam placed the blame that belonged to Peter and Barbara Manning squarely on his own shoulders. The irrationality of it escaped Sam. He wanted to feel the pain of guilt. He believed every bit of that pain.

Téa too was afraid for Todd. She prayed Kevin would not lose it with him. Téa could still feel Todd's hands on her face and his full, warm lips on hers. She knew Todd was partially in his own reality, trapped between the world they both shared and the sleeping and waking nightmare world that Todd was sometimes trapped alone in. She understood that Todd would have feared hurting her with his touch if he had completely been in reality. She also understood that Todd's defenses had been down and he was not able to keep himself from doing what he really wanted to. A small sad smile formed on Téa's lips. She knew what he wanted to do at that moment was to kiss her. He wanted that closeness. He wanted to feel her skin next to his . . . her lips next to his . . . her love next to his. Todd had said he loved her. He told her how he had tried not too and still he loved her. Téa realized that Todd probably wouldn't remember saying those things. It didn't matter. Téa would remember it for both of them until Todd as able to say it when he was in control.

*****

Tom's hands felt warm as Kevin and Frank each held one. They were surprised when Tom suddenly stopped walking with them.

"What's the matter, buddy?" Frank asked.

"I don't have a present for Téa. I wanna bring her a present."

"You being here and spending time with her will be present enough for Téa," Kevin stated.

"No," Tom protested. "Mama says presents make a girl feel special. Mama liked when Grandpa Tom would bring her presents. I want Téa to feel special."

From where she stood at the nurses station, Eileen had been able to hear Tom. "Come're hon. See if you think Téa would like some of these."

Eileen showed Tom some of the little stuffed animals the nurses wore around their stethoscopes.

"You can have some of these magneatoes," Eileen offered.

Tom's eyes grew wide as he looked through the assortment of cute little ducks, bunnies, lambs, monkeys, kittens and other assorted animals. Tom always liked them and would gently touch their soft bodies when he was being examined.

"I can really have some of these for Téa?"

"You sure can. You can have as many as you want. Pick out the ones you think Téa will like."

"Timmy told me that Téa once told him she had a lot of stuffed animals that live with her grandmother."

"Then she'll love these," Kevin commented.

Frank, Kevin and Eileen exchanged smiles as Tom carefully picked out a kitten, baby chick, raccoon, and a bunny for Téa. Tom held his selection out to them. They noticed that Tom stared at the kitten and raccoon magneatoes for a few moments longer than he did the others.

Eileen gave Tom a small box to put his present in.

"Do you think she'll like these four?"

"She'll love them," Frank remarked.

"Especially because they came from you," Kevin told Tom.

"Tom," Terry called out. "I think you probably want this." Terry held up Tom's watch. Knowing how upset Tom became without it, Terry had gone to his room for it.

"Thanks, Terry. I need my watch real bad to keep time from getting all mixed up and to keep my dad from coming here." Tom held out his arm so Terry could strap the watch on.

They knew Tom had a hard time remembering if his dad was dead or not. Peter's presence was always felt by Tom, as it was by most of the alters. Peter's death had done little to change that.

"Terry, look." Tom opened the box. "Eileen said I could have these to give Téa for a present."

"Wow! Those are great choices. Téa's going to be thrilled with these. Those are some of my favorites too."

With a huge smile on his face and his present for Téa clutched to his chest, Tom continued to the lounge with Frank and Kevin.

*****

"I don't hear anything. If Todd were screaming or if there were some kind of crisis that required a lot of staff or a code, we would have heard something," Téa mentioned anxiously.

"Yes," Viki agreed. "I think we would have. It was Todd's idea to talk to Kevin. He wanted to see him." Viki sounded like she was trying to convince herself as well as Téa and Sam that it was going to be all right.

A few seconds after those words were out of Viki's mouth, they all breathed a sigh of relief when they saw Tom, Kevin and Frank walking toward them. They realized right away that it was Tom. They noticed that he was bouncing with anticipation as he walked.

Tom ran over to where the three of them sat. He headed for Téa first. "Téa! Téa! I have a present for you?" Tom jumped up and down with excitement.

"You do!"

Viki and Sam were both smiling. Although they knew something drove Todd inside, they were happy to see Tom and even happier to see his joyous attitude.

"Don't we get a hello?" Viki called out.

Tom rushed over to them. He kissed them each on the cheek. He then plopped down on his knees and leaned back on his heels. Tom proudly held up the box with his gift in it. "I got a present for Téa."

"We see," Viki brushed Tom's hair behind his ears. She stroked his cheek.

"Coach. Kevin said you'd wanna play baseball with me and him."

"You bet I do, Boomer."

Viki saw life come back into Sam's sad and weary blue eyes.

"I'm gonna become the best baseball player and then you'll be real proud of me, Coach. You'll wanna be my dad too."

Sam knelt down next to Tom. He took Tom in his arms and hugged him tightly. "I'm already really proud of you. I love you so much, Boomer. I want to be your dad more than anything. I'm the luckiest dad in the world to have a son like you."

"Kevin and Frank were happy I came out and they said you and Viki and Téa would be happy to see me. Kevin's my real good friend now and he tells me secrets and Téa don't want Kevin to be her boyfriend and I'm gonna learn to play baseball real good and Eileen let me have some of her toys to bring Téa for a present and you wanna be my dad more than anything and I'm gonna get to have fun with Téa cause Kevin says Téa loves me and I'm gonna marry Téa when I grow up and we're gonna have so much fun and I'm gonna be a good baseball player and maybe my dad won't hate me anymore and Viki's happy I'm here too, Kevin said so, and . . ."

Tom rattled on excitedly for another few minutes. Viki, Kevin, Téa and Sam were thrilled to see Tom in such a good mood and so excited about being out. Susannah and the staff were a little concerned. Tom seemed too hyper to them.

Tom hardly took the time for a breath before he jumped up and ran back to Téa. He handed her the box. "Open it, Téa, open it."

Téa took the box. "I hope it's not a piano because my room is too small for one," she kidded.

"Uh-uh. It's not a piano. Honest."

Téa could tell from the look on Tom's face that he took her seriously. She stroked his hair and kissed his forehead. "I know, mijo." Téa took the lid off the box. Her eyes lit up.

"Timmy told me that your stuffed animals live with your grandma. These are real little so you can carry them around with you like the nurses do." Tom informed Téa, excitedly.

Téa took each of the little magneatoes out and looked at it. Téa kissed Tom's cheek. "I love them, mijo. Thank you! I'm going keep them with me always."

"I play with Timmy's stuffed animals sometimes, but now Randy came back and when I'm inside I get to play with him and hold him. Miss Perkins lets him sleep with me and he don't have to stay where it's cold and nasty and scary. I take real good care of him and I'll never let anyone ever hurt him. Ever, ever, ever!"

Téa, Kevin, Viki and Sam all fought to hold back their tears.

Téa pulled Tom into a hug. "Mijo, I love you with all my heart and I'm sure Randy does too."

"Téa?"

"Yes, mijo."

"Do you still like to draw with me?"

"Oh yes! Very much."

Tom ran to Susannah. "Can me and Téa go to the art room? That's Téa's favorite. We didn't get to finish our picture last time. That's what me and Téa are gonna do most when we get married. We're gonna draw pictures together all the time and we'll always get to finish them."

"Honey, let me see if the art room is available," Susannah headed for the phone in her office.

Tom ran back to Sam and Viki. "I'm gonna draw a picture of you and me and Viki, Coach, cause you're my dad now and I don't have a picture of us with you being my dad."

Tom ran over to Kevin. "You can come and draw with me and Téa if you want. It's okay for you to play with us now cause Téa don't want you to be her boyfriend and cause we're real good friends. You wanna draw with us?"

"Wow! I sure do. You're such a good artist. I'm hoping you can teach me a few things."

"You really want me to teach you how do something?" Tom emphasized the words me and you. He couldn't believe Kevin asked that. Tom hung his head. "I'm not smart or good at anything."

Kevin winced at Tom's perception. His heart broke at the thought of a child being taught to think so little of himself. Kevin thought about the way Clint would praise his slightest achievements and teach him that he could do anything he put his mind to. Kevin remembered a picture he drew in third grade. It was a picture of Clint on a horse. It was not much more than stick figures, and lopsided ones at that. Clint acted as if Kevin were Rembrandt. Clint not only praised Kevin to the hilt, he took the picture to his office at the Banner and hung it up. Clint proudly boasted to anyone who saw it that, "My boy drew that." Kevin remembered this because Clint left it hanging there until he left the Banner, long after Kevin reached adulthood, and then Clint took it with him to Arizona.

Kevin put his arm around Tom's shoulder. "I would really like you to help me out, if you don't mind working with me. I can't draw anywhere near as well as you can."

Tom was beaming. It was very apparent that Kevin's opinion meant a lot to him. "You don't have to be afraid. I'm a good teacher. I won't yell at you or call you names or break your crayons or make you hold your hand still so I can hurt your fingers. I won't rip up what you draw and call you a sissy or a pansy or a fag. I teached Timmy how to draw good. I never hurt him or yelled at him. You can ask him."

Kevin was not the only one who reacted to what Tom just said. Tears formed in everyone's eyes. Frank thought about the many drawings his boys showed him. He always praised them and made them feel talented and special. Frank's hands curled into fists as he thought about what Peter Manning did to his son.

Kevin squeezed Tom in a gentle hug. "Timmy always talks about what a good teacher you are and how smart you are and how much he loves you. He couldn't ask for a better big brother."

The tremendous smile on Tom's face gave Kevin enormous pleasure.

"We can do all kinds of stuff together, Kevin." Tom bounced up and down with enthusiasm. "We have to go to the art room first cause that's Téa's favorite and you wanna learn how to draw good. Then after we can play baseball with Coach. Viki and Téa and Doctor Hanen and Frank and Eileen and Terry and Jeff and Angelo and Nancy and everyone else can be the people in stands and they can eat pretend hot dogs and wear pretend baseball caps. Lewis, a boy in my school, told the whole class about his dad taking him to see a Cubs game. He got to do all that stuff with his dad," Tom announced wistfully.

Tom was still acting much more hyper than usual. The staff was keeping a very close eye on him. They knew his mood would sometimes elevate to a high before he made a disclosure and then he would come crashing down.

Susannah came out of her office. She headed over to Tom. "Honey, I'm sorry. Laura is having a session with someone right now. The art room won't be available for a couple of hours."

Tom looked crestfallen. "Noooo! I gotta take Téa to the art room. It's her favorite! I gotta teach Kevin how to draw good. He won't think I'm a good artist and a good teacher if I don't show him how," Tom wailed.

"It's all right, mijo. I love to do anything as long as I get to do it with you," Téa comforted him.

"You'll always be a good artist and teacher, whether you are able to teach me right now or not. Hey, this means we can start playing baseball sooner," Kevin added.

"No, Téa." Tom began to cry. "You love to draw with me. It's your favorite thing. It was gonna be like we were married and did our favorite thing together. Kevin, you were gonna think I was good and smart. It was gonna be perfect! Now it's all ruined." Tom walked to a corner of the hallway and sat down cross-legged, facing the wall.

Susannah knelt down next to Tom. She rubbed his back. "Honey, can you tell me why you're sitting in the corner?"

"Because I'm bad."

"No, you're a very good boy. Why do you think you're bad?" she asked gently.

"Cause everything always gets ruined. It wouldn't if I was a good boy. I'm bad and bad boys have to be punished."

"Nothing got ruined." Susannah tried to redirect his thinking. "You, Téa and Kevin can go to the art room later. There are plenty of other things the three of you can do first. Besides, it's time for you to have lunch. I'm sure Téa and Kevin would love to have lunch with you."

"I'm not hungry. Bad boys don't get to eat so they better learn not to be hungry."

"Who told you bad boys don't get to eat?" Susannah pressed.

"My dad. It's on the list. No food and only a little bit of water."

"Can you tell me about the list?" Susannah coaxed.

"It was the bad things list. If you do something bad dad checks the list and sees how long you have to go without eating. It's only for little bad things like leaving a schoolbook on the table next to the front door or moving dad's stuff around in the refrigerator or walking into a room where dad is if he didn't call us because he hates to look at our ugly face. The list says how long we have to go without eating. For some things we only have to go one day," Tom explained.

"What's the longest time you had to go without eating?" Susannah pressed.

"I think one time it was for seven or eight days. It wasn't me the whole time. It was Todd for the first five days. Todd could go the longest. He could make himself think he wasn't hungry and that food made him feel sick and that he really didn't wanna eat. Then not eating felt like something he wanted to do anyway. It was hardest for Timmy. He'd cry for food and get punished badder. Sometimes I'd sneak Timmy some food and then I'd stay out when it was time for badder punishment. Timmy was too little to be punished more. It was my job to take it. I was good at taking it. I hated when I came out because I'd get real hungry and it made me wanna cry, but I knew I'd get punished badder if I cried. It wasn't so bad when Mama was there. She'd try to sneak us food when our dad wasn't there. Dad would smell our breath when he came home and if it smelled like Mama fed us something then he'd beat her and us. Mama used to tell us to brush our teeth right before dad came home. He made us stop. The new rule was no brushing teeth during punishment days. When Mama left us it was harder. Sometimes our dad would take off and keep us home from school to make sure we didn't cheat on our punishment. He said it was for our own good and it would teach us discipline and make a man out of us. He said a man has to learn self-control. He said his dad taught him and he would teach us. Maybe he really did think we were good enough to love if he worked so hard to help us?" Tom asked plaintively.

Susannah and some of the staff exchanged quick glances. They were amazed at how many pieces of the puzzle Tom's disclosure filled in, Todd's anorexia for one. As Susannah always believed, when Todd's life seemed completely out of control to him, he clung to the one thing he could control, his desire to eat. He could make himself believe that he felt no hunger and that food actually made him ill. Susannah knew that some of Todd's medication's could cause stomach upset, but she always felt that it was not this physical reaction as much as a psychological one that caused Todd's aversion to food.

This disclosure also helped explain Tom's continued need to be punished. It reinforced their theory that Peter made them think punishment equated love and caring. On top of this, it was always Tom's job to take a great deal of the physical and emotional torture Peter put them through. Ironically, it was the only area in which Tom felt adequate. It was also fairly conclusive that Peter had been a victim of severe abuse. Unlike his son, Peter was not able to break the cycle of abuse. That Todd could, given the severity of it, was a miracle.

"Honey," Susannah began tenderly. "You are all good enough to love, very much so. I'm sure your dad thought so too, but your dad was mixed up and he didn't know how to show that he thought you were good and smart and worth loving in a good and nice way. Your dad was mean and hurtful and abusive to all of you. It's not okay to make a little boy or girl go hungry or to hurt them in any way. It's mean to do that. Your dad didn't know how to show love in a way that was okay."

"But Grandpa Ed helped our dad become a man that way. That's because he loved him," Tom insisted.

Susannah tried to explain further. "No, hon. Grandpa Ed hurt your dad by treating him that way. Sometimes when little children are hurt like that they grow up thinking that's the right way to treat their own children. Sometimes little children that get hurt by their parents get very angry because they feel they have no control and no power to stop the hurting. Then when they grow up they hurt their own children because they're still so angry over what was done to them when they were little. It has a name. It's called the cycle of abuse."

They could see that Tom was thinking about what Susannah just told him. After giving him some time to process what she said, Susannah asked, "Do you ever feel angry because of the way your dad hurt you?"

"No! No! I don't get mad! Honest! I don't get mad. I'm a good boy." Tom started to cry again. "It's bad to get mad. I'm not mad at my dad. I'm a good boy. I'm a good boy!" Tom pulled himself into a tight ball. Instinctively, he tucked his head in and protected it.

Susannah pulled Tom into a hug. "Honey, it's okay. You're a very good boy. No one is saying you're angry. It was just a question. No one is going to hurt you. Your dad's not here. Tom. Tom, it's Doctor Hanen. I want you to look at me."

Tom slowly raised his tearstained face and looked into Susannah's eyes.

"That's my boy. Tell me where you are?" Susannah gently assessed him.

Tom looked around. He seemed confused. "My hospital," he finally answered. His chin quivered as he spoke.

"That's right. Very good. What's my name?"

"Doctor Hanen," Tom answered. He snuggled into Susannah.

Susannah rubbed Tom's back again as she rocked him gently. "Honey, I'm not saying that you have to be angry, but even very good boys get angry when someone hurts them. It's okay to get angry. No one here will ever punish you for getting angry. You can get as angry as you want and no one will hurt you. No one will stop loving you. You'll still be a very, very good boy."

"I don't wanna get mad like my dad. I don't wanna hurt anyone," Tom whispered.

Susannah hugged Tom to her. "You don't have to. There are all different ways of getting angry. Did you know that? Hmmmm?"

He shook his head.

"The way your dad got angry was not okay. It wasn't a good way to get angry. There are good and safe ways. We can teach you how to get angry in ways that make sure no one gets hurt."

"Todd and Pete get real mad and sometimes they hurt everyone, but never Starr. They scare me when they get real mad. They never, ever hurt Starr. They didn't do the bicycle of abuse."

Susannah stroked Tom's cheek. "No they didn't. They were strong enough to control their anger and always protect Starr. Your dad wasn't that strong. He let the anger take over."

"Maybe my dad's brain was all mixed up too?"

"Yes, I think it was. He never got help to unmix it. You and Todd and Pete and everyone who live inside Todd are getting help, so you never have to worry about hurting anyone the way your dad did. Do you know what else is so special about you?"

Tom lifted his sad, green eyes until they met Susannah's brown ones. He shook his head again.

"You know how to love in a very good and nice way. Your dad never learned that."

"I do? I love good?"

"Yep. You sure do. You love Téa very much, right?"

"Uh-huh." Tom nodded.

"Stand up, honey," Susannah directed.

Tom stood.

"I want you to walk over to Téa and show her love. You do whatever your love for her makes you feel like doing."

Tom walked over to Téa. He hugged her tightly and rested his head on her shoulder.

Téa rubbed Tom's back. "Mijo that was a wonderful way to show me love."

Susannah approached Téa and Tom. "Téa, how does Tom showing you his love that way make you feel?"

"It makes me feel very good . . . happy . . . it makes me happy and filled with joy."

"It does?" Tom lifted his head and asked Téa.

"It does mijo. You are a very sweet and good boy. Having you love me is so special."

"Honey, feeling happy and filled with joy is how love is supposed to make someone feel. It's not supposed to hurt. It's not okay to hurt someone for any reason, not even because you love them."

"Téa, my dad didn't know how to love good. He hurt me." Tom said sadly.

"I know mijo. I'm sorry. I wish his love could have been as sweet as yours."

Tom walked over to Kevin. "I love you too. Can I show you nice love?"

Kevin smiled at Tom. "I could really use some of that nice love."

Tom hugged Kevin. "I'm real glad we're good friends and I can love you now."

"I'm really glad too. Really glad." Kevin hugged Tom back.

Tom then showed Viki how he loved her, nicely.

"Oh, baby. That was such a good hug. I love you so much. I'm so proud of you." Viki stroked Tom's head and kissed his cheek.

"Frank, can I show you nice love too?"

"You bet, buddy." Frank held his arms open.

Tom went from staff member to staff member, showing them all how much he loved them, in his sweet and gentle way.

Finally, Tom approached Sam. Viki saw the pain in Sam's eyes as Tom had gone to everyone but him.

"Coach. I saved up a special extra big love for you cause you're my dad now and I love my dad as big as the whole sky."

Sam embraced Tom and held on tightly. "Boomer, that's the best hug I've ever had. You are such a good boy. Sam kissed Tom's forehead. You're my good boy. You're my very good boy. I don't know how you learned to love so nicely, but you did. You make me so proud. I want everyone to know how proud I am of my boy."

"I'm proud you're my dad too. I was gonna draw a picture of us." Tom's voice turned sad again.

"You still can, buddy. The art room will be all yours later," Frank reminded Tom.

Téa walked over to where Tom and Sam stood. "Mijo, I'm too hungry to draw now anyway. If we have lunch first then I'll be able to concentrate better. It will be perfect if we can have lunch first. Is that okay?"

"Téa, I don't want you to be hungry. It hurts to be hungry and it's not okay to hurt anyone. It's only okay to love them nice."

Tom turned to Kevin. "Are you hungry?"

"I'm so hungry I can eat this chair right here. What'd you think, buddy? A little salt, pepper and Ketchup and I can put this chair on a bun like a Big Mac."

Tom giggled. "You're silly."

Sam walked over to Tom. "How about I go and get a pizza or anything else you'd all like."

"You and Viki can have lunch with me and Téa and Kevin if you want," Tom announced.

Sam wanted to, more than anything. However, he understood that the newly found bond between Kevin and Tom needed to be reinforced. He knew Tom would not want too many distractions when Téa was around. Sam realized that he trusted Tom's love for him enough to let go. Sam put his arm around Viki's shoulder. "This should be a special friend’s lunch, just you, Kevin and Téa. I think I'm going to bring all of you back whatever you'd like to eat and then I'm going to take my best girl out for a quiet lunch, just the two of us."

Viki was shocked. Sam almost sounded and looked cheerful. It had been so long since they'd actually enjoyed a meal together. Sam usually sat quietly and pushed most of the food around on his plate. Making conversation with him was forced and one-sided. Viki saw that Tom's obvious love for his "Coach" was like a miracle cure for Sam. Viki knew it would be a temporary one. She understood that problems like Sam's didn't just go away. For now Sam was on a high and Viki was going to take full advantage of it.

"So, what should we get for lunch?" Kevin asked Tom and Téa.

"Can I have chocolate milk?" Tom asked meekly.

"You can have anything you want, Boomer," Sam informed him.

Tom turned to Téa. She felt the love pouring from his being. "You pick Téa. I want you to have what you like best."

"Oh, well, then it's pizza." Téa picked Tom's favorite. "You know how much I love pizza."

"Pizza sounds great. Bring it on!" Kevin added.