Viki went to the lounge to freshen up. She was excited. She felt like a young girl going out on a special date.
Susannah headed off to Bill's new house. She knew most of his days and evenings were spent fixing it up. He wanted it finished by the end of June, when his children would come stay with him for the summer. Susannah wanted to surprise Bill with a quick take-out lunch. She also wanted to make sure to be back soon. She was hoping to take Tom to the playroom for some play therapy between lunch and the art room becoming available. Tom was so confused on so many issues. Susannah hoped he would still be out after lunch. She did not want to waste a minute of the time she had to work with him. Susannah did have one stop she needed to make before she came back. She wanted to talk to Nora in person. She wanted to be able to read her sister's reaction when she asked her if she would come to the hospital to speak with Todd.
Sam made it back with the pizza in less than half an hour. He whistled when Viki came back into the room. Sam saw Viki's eyes light up. He felt himself choking down tears. Sam could not remember the last time he paid any attention to Viki's appearance or even made any effort at all to let her know how much he loved her. Sam hated the dark hole he constantly felt himself falling into. He didn't know how to climb out. He didn't know if what he believed most of the time was real. He wasn't sure whom he could trust when it came to Todd. Sam didn't realize that it was his lack of trust in himself to do right by Todd that he projected onto everyone else. For now Sam was having a good day. He actually felt hungry. He felt like being outside and having a date with the woman he loved.
Viki kissed Tom and Kevin goodbye. "I hope both my boys have a nice lunch."
"Am I your boy the same as Kevin?" Tom asked timidly.
Viki took his face in her hands. "You most certainly are." Viki took Téa's hand and led her over to where Kevin and Tom stood. "I love all three of my children very, very much."
Tears trickled down Téa's cheeks. She quickly wiped them away before Tom saw them. Even though "happy tears" had been explained to most of the alters, they were still confused by them.
*****
The tremor in Tom's hand was still there, but it was less pronounced. To be on the safe side, Téa suggested cutting the pizza into bite-sized pieces. She reminded Tom how much she liked hors d’oeuvres. Téa cut her pizza and Tom's. Kevin took care of his own pizza.
Frank poured Tom's chocolate milk into a spill proof cup. No one wanted Tom escalating because of spilled food.
Kevin tried not to stare when Tom lined up his plate, napkin and cup precisely. Kevin could see that Téa was familiar with Tom's eating habits.
They could all see that Tom was nervous at first. As always, he was afraid of making even the smallest mess with the food. Kevin began making up games and telling jokes. Téa joined him. Before long Tom was giggling. He was relaxing and enjoying his lunch and most of all enjoying being with Téa and Kevin.
The staff members who were in the dayroom exchanged approving glances when Tom asked for a second piece of pizza and some more chocolate milk. It gave them so much pleasure to see him have a good appetite.
"Is everyone too full for ice cream?" Terry teased when they had their fill of pizza.
"Not me," Kevin answered first.
"Not me too," Tom said and burst into giggles.
"Hey, I can't let you guys out do me. You can count me in on that ice cream," Téa announced.
Téa and Kevin slowed down the consumption of their ice cream to match Tom's. He ate slowly and carefully. He made sure to hold the bowl under his chin and only took tiny amounts of ice cream on his spoon each time. The trembling in his hand increased, more from anxiety than from the medications. As he had throughout parts of the meal, Tom kept looking down at his shirt and pants. Even at his most relaxed, he feared getting a stain on his clothes.
"It's okay, buddy. You don't have to worry about getting ice cream on your shirt. You have dozens of other shirts to change into," Kevin tried to assure Tom.
"I don't like to have to sit around with no clothes on. It gets really cold."
"Did your dad make you sit around naked if you spilled food on your clothes?" Téa asked.
"Clumsy boys don't deserve nice clothes." Tom said this casually, as if it were common for a parent to do that to a child.
Kevin remembered what he had already been told about this. Peter's punishment for spilled food was severe. Kevin knew that Tom and some of the others were made to get down on the floor and lick up spilled food, like an animal. Kevin also remembered the hatred he felt toward Peter Manning when he learned that he would cut the children with any glass that broke. Then after they complied with the degrading punishment, Peter would beat them anyway. Now here was this latest disclosure of cruelty and humiliation. It broke Kevin's heart to think of a child so afraid of being punished and humiliated that he could not enjoy a dish of ice cream the way other children could.
Kevin placed his arm around Tom's shoulder. "Do you remember what Doctor Hanen said about your dad being abusive and hurting you?"
Tom looked into Kevin's eyes and nodded.
"Punishing a child, or anyone, by making them go around naked is mean and abusive. It's not okay to do that to anyone. I'm sorry your dad did that to you. You're a good boy, Tom. He was wrong to do that."
A large tear trickled down Tom's left cheek, followed by one down the right. Tom rested his cheek against Kevin's chest and hung his head. "I must have been bad to make my dad do so many things that were wrong."
Téa leaned in and lifted Tom's head by the chin. "No, mijo. You didn't do anything wrong. Do you also remember Doctor Hanen telling you that your dad was mixed up and he wasn't strong, like you and Todd and all of you who live inside Todd? Your dad was too weak to keep himself from hurting all of you the way you keep yourselves from hurting Starr."
Tom trembled. "I don't want my dad to hurt you and Kevin and Doctor Hanen for saying things about him that will make him mad."
"Mijo, your dad is dead," Téa gently reminded Tom. "He can never hurt you again."
"It gets mixed up sometimes. It seems like he's here and it's gonna hurt." Tom pressed a button on his watch. A voice announced the time and date. "It's okay. It's now and my dad still dead." Tom said these last words more to himself than to Kevin and Téa. He said it as if he were trying to convince himself.
"We'll never let anyone hurt you again," Kevin promised. He gently hugged Tom to him.
"Are you sure you and Téa don't want to beat me to make me be a good boy?"
Frank could see the frustration in Kevin and Téa's eyes. Frank walked over to the table. "Hey, buddy. What would it mean if Kevin and Téa wanted to beat you?"
Tom looked up at Frank. "That they want me to be a good boy so they could keep loving me."
"Take a few minutes and think about what you learned today and tell me again what it would mean if Téa and Kevin wanted to beat you," Frank instructed.
Tom sat quietly for a short while. "It would mean that their brains were all mixed up about how to love and it wouldn't be okay to hurt me to show they loved me. They would be bicycle abusing me."
"You got it buddy!" Frank praised Tom. "You are so smart. You figured it out right away. Boy am I proud of you." Frank rumpled Tom's hair.
Tom giggled.
"And I'm even prouder of you," Kevin declared.
"I'm the proudest of Tom, of all of you," Téa chimed in.
"Nope, I'm the proudest," Kevin announced.
Tom continued to giggle.
"I'm the super proudest," Téa stated.
Kevin and Téa looked at each other with smiling eyes. They both truly were extremely proud of Tom for beginning to understand. They were also incredibly happy to see him having fun.
"I know one thing I'm better at than you, Téa," Kevin teased. "I bet I'm a much better tickler than you are." Kevin tickled Tom's stomach.
Tom burst into more giggles and laughter.
"Let's see about that!" Téa joked back. She tickled Tom too.
Tom's laughter sounded like angels singing to all of those in the room.
"I'm a good tickler too," Tom said between laughs and giggles. He tickled Kevin and then Téa on their stomachs.
In a few seconds the three of them were laughing.
"This is such a fun day. I'm so happy!" Tom exclaimed. "I wanna tell everybody that it's the goodest thing to love nicely. Tom hugged Téa and then Kevin.
Kevin and Téa sandwiched Tom between them and hugged him tightly.
"I love you so much, mijo," Téa said softly.
"So do I buddy. So do I," Kevin stated.
Téa and Kevin felt Tom's body stiffen.
"Oh God! What the Hell are you doing?" Todd whispered hoarsely.
Kevin and Téa quickly let go and moved their chairs' away from Todd's.
Todd jumped up. He backed away from them. He looked at Frank and some of the other staff members in the room.
"How could you let this happen! You're supposed to protect people from me! You're supposed to keep me from making a fool out of myself in front of everyone."
"Todd, you didn't hurt us. You did not make a fool of yourself," Kevin said firmly.
"You were both laughing at me! I heard you!"
"No! Todd we weren't laughing at you. I swear!" Téa tried.
"Were you teaching Kevin the words to the Todd the loser song!"
Téa looked away from Todd. Tears spilled from her eyes. "Todd, I'm so sorry about that. I've never forgiven myself for hurting you that way. I told you that I'm not a very nice person when I feel hurt. I felt hurt and I wanted to hurt you back. I never should have done that."
"Yeah, well maybe I deserved it. I deserve everything bad. So go ahead. Go ahead Kevin! Why don't you call Bo and Asa and Clint? Maybe they wanna come here and have a good laugh at Todd the loser. How about you, Delgado? Call Andrew. The more the merrier. You can start a fucking choir. What sweeter hymn is there than singing about what a stupid, worthless loser I am."
Kevin stood up. "Todd! Cut out this shit! We were not laughing at you." Then more quietly he said, "One of your alters was out. Tom. He's only seven and we were hugging him and tickling him."
Todd's face blushed red.
"Querido, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. We love Tom. He's a sweet and precious little boy and we enjoy spending time with him." Téa tried to get Todd to understand.
"Is that why you both hang around here?"
"Is what why we both hang around here?" Kevin asked.
"You wanna make sure you don't miss any of the freak show. You wanna be here to insure you always have front row seats."
"We're here because we love you and we want to spend time with you, no matter what part of you is out," Téa said firmly.
"They're no part of me!"
"Sorry to blow your image of yourself, Todd, but they are a very good, kind and loving part of you," Téa pointed out. She moved closer. "Todd, look at me. Please!"
Todd's eyes met Téa's. She saw the pain, humiliation and fear Todd felt.
"Todd," Téa began. "I know you've done things you're very sorry for . . . said things just to hurt someone that you never really meant . . . things you hate yourself for doing and saying and if you could just have that day . . . that moment back . . . you'd never have done it."
"Yeah, so?" Todd's voice was choked with emotion. He continued to stare into Téa's eyes.
"So, the day that I made fun of you with Andrew and Rachel, in your own home no less, is one of those days . . . those moments . . . for me. I wish I could take it back. I wish I had not been the kind of person who had done that. I was angry with you and I wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you that much and I never believed you were a loser then, and I don't believe it now. I understand if you're still angry with me and if you don't trust me not to make fun of you I'll understand that too."
"I trust you," Todd whispered.
Todd and Téa's eyes locked for a moment. Then Todd quickly looked away. His eyes met Kevin's for a fraction of a second. Todd walked to the wall and faced it. He rested his forehead against it.
"Oh God, you don't know. You don't know."
Téa and Kevin exchanged questioning looks.
"We don't know what, Todd?" Kevin asked gently.
"What if feels like to come back and find yourself doing something and not know what's going on around you or what you've said or done or what was said or done to you. I wish I was dead! Do you have any idea . . ." Todd gasped and swallowed hard. "Any idea what it's like to be told that these- these-these people and kids are out there talking to everyone instead of you and you don't know it, but everyone around you does? You all know what's going on in my life, in my own life," Todd emphasized the word own, "and I don't have a clue. The whole town, maybe the whole world, knows I'm crazy . . . that I'm locked up in a loony bin. Do you have any idea how humiliating that is? Do you know much it makes me want crawl into a hole and die! How could you not make fun of me? Hell! I'd make fun of me if I was watching from the outside."
Kevin moved over to where Todd stood. He stood right next to him. "Todd, do you think I and everyone else made fun of Mom?"
"I can answer that."
Everyone, including Todd, turned in the direction of the door. They were all surprised to hear Viki's voice. She and Sam had come back from one of the most pleasant times Viki has spent with Sam in a very long while. They stopped by the dayroom first to see how Tom was doing. Sam stood back, in the doorway. He knew this was something that he could not share with Viki and Todd. Only they could understand what the other went through.
Viki walked over to where Todd still stood, facing the wall. "Todd, do you remember the time you ran into Niki at that airport?"
Todd thought for a second and then nodded.
"I thought you would since I came on to you that day . . . to you . . . my own brother. I'm sure you also remember the time Tori tried to give you the CD-ROMs that had every facet of Banner information on them and begged you to use it to destroy my newspaper."
Todd nodded again.
"You know Tori killed our father. She also tried to kill Clint and Kevin. Jean . . . you met Jean. She was quite nasty to you and tried to keep you from discovering you were Victor's son. Jean held Dorian prisoner in a secret room under Llanfair. You never got to meet some of my other alters. You never got to know Tommy . . . a teenage boy. He was violent and dangerous. He threw Dorian down a flight of stairs in her home and nearly killed her. He ate with his hands and crammed food into his mouth like he'd never eat again."
Todd turned and faced Viki. He glanced into her eyes and then looked down at the floor. Being able to see people seeing him . . . to see their feelings . . . their pain . . . was still overwhelming to Todd.
"You also never got to know Princess, a very frightened, lonely and sad seven year old girl."
"Seven?" Todd whispered.
"Yes." Viki wiped away a tear that trickled down her cheek. "Princess acted like most seven year old girls. She sat on the floor and played with dolls and dollhouses. She would cry because she was afraid of getting shots when doctors came near her. She like jellybeans. She crawled into a ball in the corner and cried for her mother."
Todd raised his eyes until they met Viki's. He recognized the pain he saw in those eyes. It was the same as his. Todd saw another tear slide down Viki's cheek. Forgetting his fear of hurting Viki with his touch, Todd gently wiped the tear from her cheek with his first two fingers.
"Princess, was hurt by our father?" Todd asked softly.
Viki nodded.
Todd's lower lip and chin quivered. "I'm sorry." Tears splashed down Todd's cheeks.
"I know you are sweetheart. I know you are the only one who can truly understand what I feel. Tell me, should I feel ashamed and humiliated because you and the rest of my family and most of the town saw these sad, angry, frightened and hurt people that had my body and my face? Should everyone who knows me laugh and make fun of me because Princess acted like a seven-year-old and told anyone who asked that she was seven. Should Kevin and Clint hate me because Tori tried to kill them? Do you think Asa and Bo should hate me for trying to kill two of their own? Should you hate me for the most heinous crime of all . . . for killing our father? Should you at least find me disgusting for coming onto you, my own brother? Should I hang my head in shame and be afraid to look everyone in the eye because I was ill?"
"No," Todd murmured.
"Why not?" Viki asked.
"Because he hurt you and he hurt all of those people who were running around in your head." Todd's cheeks puffed out as released the deep breaths he took in an effort to self-calm. "He hurt that boy, Tommy. He hurt that little seven-year-old, Princess." Todd's voice cracked. A sob escaped. "That miserable bastard hurt that little girl. He made her feel scared and alone and like she deserved everything bad that happened to her."
Viki shut her eyes for a moment. She was in as much need of self-soothing as Todd was. Viki knew that as much as the rest of her family loved her, only Todd shared her heart and soul. Only the baby brother she never got to see grow up truly understood her pain.
Neither Viki nor Todd saw the tears that fell from Sam's eyes, as he stood in the doorway, or from Kevin and Téa's eyes as they stood back and listened. Neither of them saw how deeply moved the staff was. Todd and Viki shared a private moment, despite the room full of people.
"Yes, that's exactly how he made Princess feel. Sweetheart, how can you have so much compassion and understanding for me and for that little girl and none for yourself or for Tom or for the other alters?"
"You're good, Viki. You were born good and bad things happened to you. I wasn't born good. Even a scumbag like our father knew it and gave me away. Everyone loves you. No one wanted to see you punished. They all wanna see me punished. They've all waited for that to happen ever since I came to this town and there are probably dozens more back in Chicago that would be happy to know what's happened to me. They wanna see me act like a fool. They're lining up for a chance to laugh at me."
"No. No they wouldn't because they understand what's it's like to be sick. They know it's not punishment. There is not one of them who have not been in a situation that has caused them some humiliation. It's horrible to be sick. Every serious illness makes us feel a loss of control and a loss of dignity."
Todd shook his head.
Kevin approached Todd. "Todd, do you really think you're the only one here who feels humiliation over being sick? Do you know what it was like for me after I was burned? Once they took the catheter out someone had to hold my dick for me when I peed into a urinal. Someone had to clean the shit off of me when I took a crap. They had to feed me and I had to pray for someone to come if I had a friggin itch. I begged . . . pleaded like a damn junkie for painkillers. I screamed and cried like a baby when they did medical procedures on me. I hated what I'd become. I was a grown man and I was more helpless than a six-month-old. I couldn't even turn over on my side by myself. I hated seeing the faces of everyone around me feeling all that fear and pity for me. I hated myself for causing them all that pain and I hated them all for being able to leave my room and have some kind of life and I hated myself for feeling that. I hated that the woman I loved saw all of this." Kevin suddenly stopped talking for a minute.
Viki and Todd both stared at him.
Viki placed her hand on Kevin's arm. "Honey?"
"My God. I think that's it. I don't think I ever learned to handle Cassie seeing me that way. I think that's part of what drove me away from Cassie and made me feel attracted to Barbara. She was a stranger at first. She was a nurse. I wasn't as ashamed and humiliated when she looked at me. I still felt like a man with Barbara. When Cassie looked at me it was like all she was seeing was this helpless invalid, not a man she could feel . . . not someone she could be attracted to."
Viki squeezed Kevin's hand. She caressed his cheek.
"Mom, it's okay. I'm okay. Really. I think in many ways I'm more okay than I've been in a long time."
Kevin didn't know what it was or why it was. All he knew was that, somehow, feelings he'd buried for years were coming forth since he forged some kind of relationship with Todd. It was as if once Kevin realized he'd been able to let go of his haltered and jealousy of Todd other things that he couldn't let go of were coming to the surface. He was facing them, understanding them, and beginning to let go of them. He was starting the process of self-forgiveness. Making peace with negative feelings about Todd seemed to enable Kevin to make peace with his negative feelings about himself. Kevin wondered if he'd always shared a bond with Todd. Only now the bond had changed from hatred to love.
"Kevin, I-I'm sorry about the wine cellar," Todd mumbled.
Kevin shook his head. "If it hadn't of happened that night at the lodge it would have happened sometime soon anyway. You just figured out that I was attracted to Barbara before I did. In some ways you did me a favor. You gave me months of someone else to blame for what happened to my marriage, so I didn't have see the truth and blame myself."
The staff stood back as Téa and Sam made their way over to Todd, Viki and Kevin.
"Todd." Téa turned Todd's face toward her. "Viki and Kevin are right. You know they are. All of us have had times in our life that make us ashamed. There are times when we've all felt humiliated and felt like everyone should hate us or laugh at us or even leave us."
"It's true, pal. There are many times when I've wondered how the people whose love I care most about can really love me," Sam looked into Viki's eyes for a second, "when I don't believe I deserve that love."
"None of you have done the horrible things that I've done," Todd said in a low voice. He started off and did not look directly at anyone.
"None of us have been hurt as badly as you've been. Sweetheart, you've earned the right to your rage. Now you have to learn how to control it," Viki stated. "It's not easy. Believe me, I know. I also know you have the strength, determination and grit to do it."
Todd glanced quickly at each of his loved ones. "Okay, I don't wanna talk anymore."
"You don't have to, Boomer. You did good. You did real good."
"I didn't do anything," Todd commented.
"Yes you did, sweetheart. You did more than you know," Viki praised.
"You're confusing me," Todd mumbled. He sounded very tired.
Frank walked over to Todd. "Hi, buddy. How would you like to take a nap?"
"Yeah," Todd agreed immediately. Todd turned to Téa. "You're coming to my room with me, right?"
Téa's heart filled with joy. "Yes! Querido, of course I am. I'll stay with you while you nap."
"Viki," Todd called to his sister.
"Yes, sweetheart."
"That Tommy who ran around in your head really pushed Dorian down her stairs?"
Viki looked Todd in the eye and nodded. "Yep."
Todd's lips curled into a small smile. "Did you ever thank him?"
Viki laughed and shook her head. "Todd!"
"Just asking," Todd quipped.
They could see a tiny twinkle in Todd's eyes.
Todd, Téa and Frank headed for Todd's room.
"Mom, I'm going to the paper. I want to put the finishing touches on that article on the mayor. Something tells me he's not going to be too happy when it hits the stand," Kevin informed Viki.
Viki hugged Kevin tightly. "Todd is not the only one I'm very proud of today."
Kevin hugged Viki back just as tightly. "Todd's not the only one I'm very proud of today either. I know how painful it is for you to talk about your illness."
"Todd seemed better about things than he has in a long time," Sam remarked.
"He's not the only one, Sam," Kevin commented. "I'm very happy to see the little spark in my mom's eyes. I know that having a quiet and hopefully romantic lunch with you put it there."
"We had a lovely lunch," Viki confirmed.
Kevin knew how fleeting moments of happiness were these days. He was not naive enough to think that another breakthrough for Todd would lead to things staying like this. For now, Kevin was content with the moment. As soon as he finished his business at the paper, Kevin planned on calling Rachel to find out if she wanted to have a picnic dinner with him in the park.
*****
Maybe it went away? Maybe the filth went away? Todd thought as he, Téa and Frank made their way to his room. Now that he was calmer, it hit him that Téa, Viki, Sam and Kevin had touched him and he had touched some of them. Todd didn't want to put the pain back in everyone's eyes. He knew they didn't believe that he could hurt them and if he brought it up. The pain would return to their eyes. For a moment Todd wished he were blind again. He hated seeing the suffering he believed he caused. It was easier when he couldn't see their faces. Todd blamed himself for the shape Sam was in. Sam looks a little better now,Todd thought. Todd looked at his hands and arms as the three of them walked. He couldn't see the filth. He didn't feel it at that moment. They all seem okay too. I don't see it on them. Todd's eyes shifted to Téa. He quickly looked her over. Delgado looks okay. Maybe it didn't hurt her to touch me? Maybe I won't hurt any of them?
Saber had been listening earlier. He wanted to tell Todd to stop being such an idiot and stop believing what Viki, Sam, Kevin and Téa were telling him. He hated seeing Todd played for a fool. It made him hate Todd even more. It made him want to destroy Todd even more. Saber didn't believe one word Todd's family said any more than he believed that Todd's so-called mother could love him and allow him to be tortured or any more than he believed Peter hurt Todd because he cared for him and loved him. Years ago, back in Chicago, Saber tried to warn Todd. He tried to keep Todd from being a fool and believing in love or hope. Saber tried to warn all of them. He tried to get them to see things his way and do things his way. When that didn't happen, Saber felt ignored and unappreciated. Saber's hatred and resentment for the others began and continued to fester as the years went on.
Saber's headaches were increasing in intensity and duration. Today's headache was severe enough to keep Saber from taunting Todd as his family offered their lies to him. Saber was all right with that. He had patience. "Todd's a loser. Let them make him feel good for a few fuckin' minutes. It won't last. Todd will remember what the real truth is and I'll be on my way to getting just what I want," Saber said to himself with a smirk on his lips. Saber clenched his teeth. His face contorted in pain. "Fuck this! I'm outta here." Saber headed for his room. He needed to go to sleep.
