*****

"Todd?" Téa looked into his eyes. She saw he was looking back into hers.

Todd stared into the eyes he had longed to see for months. He watched Téa's mouth as she spoke his name. Todd reached out a trembling hand. He wanted to touch the face he had dreamed about seeing. He suddenly pulled back when the memories of his latest disclosure flooded him. Todd began to tremble uncontrollably. Not only was he overwhelmed by seeing Téa, but also by the sudden light and sights around him.

Téa was trembling as well. "Ay dios mio! Oh thank you, God. Querido, you can see again. It's all right to touch me, Todd. Nothing bad will happen. I promise mi amor."

Todd pulled back even further. He grew decidedly paler.

Susannah held her hand up to let Téa know she should not press Todd.

"Todd," Susannah spoke softly. "Can you see Téa clearly?"

Todd looked deeply into Téa's eyes again. It was as if he could not get enough of them. "Yes," Todd whispered. Tears welled up in his eyes.

Todd's knees began to buckle. Susannah grabbed for him and Frank rushed to Todd as well. They slowly lowered him to the floor. Todd began to breathe erratically. Perspiration broke out all over his body.

"Todd. Relax. Use your coping skills. Breathe slowly and deeply," Susannah instructed. She motioned for Téa to stay back.

Todd held on tightly to Susannah's hand. He was beyond being able to use his coping skills on his own. Susannah directed him every step of the way. Nearly fifteen minutes elapsed before Todd began to calm.

"Great job calming down, buddy." Frank rubbed Todd's back. "Good breathing. Nice and slow." Frank's voice was soothing.

Eileen handed Susannah a cool, wet cloth. Susannah wiped Todd's face and neck. She smoothed the strands of damp hair off his face.

Jeff brought over a dry sweatshirt. He helped Todd out of the perspiration soaked sweatshirt he was wearing and into the fresh one.

"Have someone get Viki and Sam and ask them to wait outside Todd's room," Susannah whispered to Eileen.

Todd pulled his knees up to his chest. He rocked himself gently. Todd had been sitting with his eyes tightly closed. He rubbed his eyes and opened them slowly. Todd saw Susannah's face come into focus, then Frank's. He found some comfort in Susannah's warm brown eyes and Frank's blue ones. He saw caring.

"I can see." Todd's whisper was barely audible.

Susannah checked Todd's eyes. They were reacting normally to light. She ran a few basic tests. His vision was normal.

"Did you do something to make my eyes better?" Todd asked timidly.

"No, honey, you did. You wanted to be able to see again. You don't need the blindness anymore."

"Are you saying it's my fault that I was blind in the first place? That I did something to my eyes?"

"No. What you had is called a conversion disorder. Your blindness was real, but it was not due to a physical cause," Susannah explained. "The blindness served a purpose for you. It gave you something you ne . . ."

"So it was my fault." Todd cut Susannah off. He wasn't ready to hear any more about this now. "Why not! Everything is always my fault." Todd suddenly remembered that he had touched Susannah and Frank touched him. "You have to go wash. Both of you have to go wash!"

They heard the panic in Todd's voice. They had hoped that Todd's self-loathing and fear of contaminating those he cared about had passed.

"Todd. Your touch did not hurt us in anyway. There is nothing we can catch from touching you," Susannah stated firmly.

"It'll rub off on you! There's filth in me. You wash! You wash!"

"All right, Todd. You need to calm down first," Susannah directed.

"Then you'll wash?" Todd sounded more like he was pleading than asking. Apparently he cared greatly about Susannah and Frank's well being.

"Yes, then we'll wash," Susannah promised.

Todd took some more calming breaths.

"Good job," Susannah praised. She motioned Eileen, Angelo and Dan over. "Todd. Frank and I are going into the bathroom to wash now."

"What about you? Did you touch me?" Todd asked Jeff.

"No. I only touched your clothing."

Todd accepted that and didn't ask him to wash.

Todd stared at Eileen and Dan. They realized this was the first time he'd ever seen them. "You match," Todd muttered.

"Match?" Eileen asked.

"You match your voices'," Todd explained.

Todd looked over at Téa. Tears welled up in his eyes at the sight of her. He never thought he'd see her again, except in his dreams. Todd stared at her for just another moment. Téa looked even more beautiful than he remembered. Todd wanted to burn her face and her stance . . . that familiar stance . . . chin out, shoulders back . . . no fear . . . no disgust . . . into his brain. Todd paused for a moment. He allowed himself a few seconds to feel the safety he always felt when he saw that stance that told him maybe . . . just maybe . . . he wasn't a monster to be feared and shunned. Todd wanted to remember Téa this way, forever. He also wanted her out of the path of danger. That meant out of his life.

Téa slowly approached Todd. "I'm not going to touch you," she assured him.

"You gotta get out of here, Delgado. Now!"

"Todd. Please. Querido, I've waited a long time for you to be able to look me in the eye when you talk to me."

"Then take a good long look now, Delgado. I want you out of here."

"Todd, I promise you won't hurt me. If you don't want any physical contact, fine. I won't touch you. Just talk to me. Mi amor, talk to me."

"Okay, let's talk. You're my lawyer too, right, not just Sam?"

"Yes, I handle some of your legal matters. I take ca . . ."

Todd cut Téa off. "Then you can make them let me go. You can get them to send me to loony bin far away. Viki and Sam won't do it. They feel obligated cause Viki's my sister and Sam's got this thing for orphans. You can make them do it, legally."

Téa shook her head. "No. I won't do that. I'm sorry Todd. I won't do that."

Todd looked confused and angry. "You've always helped me out, Delgado. You got Starr for me. You got the Sun back for me. You helped me out when everyone thought I raped that nurse."

Téa was very happy that Todd was able to remember so much of their past now. That did not deter her from standing firm.

"Yes. I've always been there for you. I was happy to because I love you." Téa sighed. "Sorry, pal. This time I'm standing up for what's right for me." Téa got as close to Todd as she could without there being any physical contact. "You're what's right for me, Todd. You being in my life and not thousands of miles away are what is right for me. Being able to be here with you and see you and have you see me again is what's right for me. I understand why you're afraid you'll hurt me. I won't rush you. You can have all the time you need to work that out. But you're going to have to do it with me right here . . . in your life and sometimes in your face. I'm going to be selfish this time and do what I want. What I want is you in my life."

"You won't help me?" Todd's voice trembled.

"I won't help you to hurt me, no." Téa's heart was breaking for Todd.

"I'm trying to save you!" Todd protested.

"There's nothing to save me from. Todd, I know you believe that you'll end up hurting me. I understand that just my saying you won't doesn't help. You'll have to get to where you realize, on your own, that it's not true. Until you can do that, you're going to have to trust me."

Todd shook his head. "You have no idea what I can do to you, Delgado." Todd hung his head.

"Look at me." Téa's eyes filled with tears. It had been so long since she could say that to Todd.

Todd didn't budge.

"Look at me!" Téa spoke firmly.

Todd lifted his head. His eyes met Téa's.

"There have been two times since we've met that I lied to you. Once was in Niagara Falls when I pretended to be sick so Sam would have time to get there and help you. The other time was when I got you to untie me in the garden shack."

"Because I hurt you," Todd remembered.

Large tears splashed down Todd's cheeks. Todd's hand trembled badly as he reached out to touch the side of Téa's face that he hurt that long ago summer night. He pulled it back quickly and held it to his chest with his other hand.

"I won't hurt you again. Don't you see, Delgado? I'd rather die than hurt you again."

"I know," Téa admitted tenderly. "I didn't remind you of that night because I want you to feel guilty over hurting me. I brought up both those times because I feel so bad that I lied to you. I want you to know those were the only two times. Even for your own good, or for any reason, I will never lie to you again. Do you think you can believe me?"

Without taking his eyes away from Téa's, Todd nodded. He was starting to feel cloaked in safety as he looked into the brown eyes that had to power to make the world seem not so frightening for a few brief moments at a time.

"Then believe me when I tell you that you won't hurt me. Your being in my life won't hurt me and your touch won't hurt me. I promise." Téa held her hand out to Todd. "You won't hurt me," she repeated.

Todd's hand was trembling even more than it had been as he slowly reached out to take Téa's hand. Just as his fingers were about to make contact with Téa's, Todd saw himself standing over his mother as she lay passed out, drunk. He felt his father in back of him, pushing him toward her.

"NO! NO!" Todd backed away from Téa "GET AWAY!" "What? Todd, what is it? What happened?"

Todd used his coping skills. He was desperate not to lose it. He had to find a way to convince them to send him away.

Susannah and Frank watched from the bathroom doorway. They and the rest of the staff in Todd's room saw Todd was self-calming. They stayed back and allowed Téa to continue trying to help Todd.

"Querido, please. I know something just frightened you. Talk to me. Don't shut me out. Let me help you. Talk to me!"

Téa knew Todd as well as she knew her own name. She saw that familiar wall that Todd put up as clearly as if it were made of bricks.

Todd took one more deep, calming breath. "There's nothing to talk about, Delgado. You can't force me to let you visit. You can't even force me to talk to you. I have rights, even in a loony bin, I must have rights."

Todd looked around. It had been so long since he saw his room. Everything looked foreign to him, yet at the same time it looked familiar. Todd saw Susannah and Frank standing near the entrance to the bathroom. He walked over to them and addressed Susannah.

"I want another lawyer, not Sam and not Delgado. I want a new lawyer. I have a right to a lawyer. I have a right to a lawyer and a phone call."

Téa exchanged worried looks with Susannah and the staff.

Todd thought for a moment. "I want Nora. I wanna call Nora Buchanan."

"Can you tell me why you want to Nora to be your lawyer?" Susannah asked.

"No," Todd answered. "I just do! I wanna see Nora and I want Delgado out of here! I don't want her coming to see me or any of those kids anymore. Do you get that!"

"Todd, do you understand that Viki and Sam are your guardians?"

"Yeah. So?"

Todd's eyes darted around the room. He squinted, as if suddenly seeing everything was overwhelming him. He also seemed to be looking for impending danger.

"So they decide if you get to see Nora or not. Téa is part of your treatment team. We need to think this through. If it is in your best interest for Téa to visit, than she will continue to do so," Susannah explained. Susannah knew that Todd was trying to push all those he loved out of his life. She could not let him isolate himself that way. She also knew what his reaction would most likely be to what she just said.

"THE HELL SHE WILL! YOU DON'T GET TO TELL ME WHO I HAVE TO SEE AND NEITHER DO VIKI AND SAM. I DON'T WANT THEM COMING TO VISIT ME EITHER! YOU CAN'T FORCE ME! YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME! YOU'RE NOT MY MOM OR MY DAD!"

"No, I'm not your mom or dad," Susannah responded calmly. "I am your doctor and I'm in charge of your health. If I believe the choices you're making are not healthy for you, I will not stand by and allow you to cause emotional or physical harm to yourself or to others."

"I HATE YOU!" Todd yelled out childishly. They could feel his frustration.

Todd headed for the door. Frank, Angelo and Susannah followed immediately behind.

*****

Viki and Sam had been sitting in the lounge area outside Todd's room. They were flabbergasted when Nancy told them Todd regained his vision. They had both burst into tears and hugged each other. It seemed unreal. Sam and Viki jumped when Todd came tearing out of his room with Susannah, the staff and Téa following closely behind.

Todd stopped dead in his tracks at the sight of Sam and Viki. Tears welled up in his eyes. He stared at them for a few moments. Todd had missed seeing the two people he sometimes dared to think of as his mom and dad. Todd looked at Sam again. He was shocked by how bad Sam looked. He immediately felt responsible for whatever was wrong with Sam.

Todd looked in Sam's direction. "Are you sick?"

Todd's question surprised Sam. He didn't realize how he looked. "No Boomer. I'm fine. What makes you think I'm sick?"

"Are you drinking or something?" Todd asked in a frightened voice.

"Of course not! Todd. It's me, Coach."

"I know," Todd lowered his head and mumbled. Todd was sure he had done something to make Sam sick in some way.

For a moment, Viki and Todd's eyes locked.

"Oh, sweetheart," Viki exclaimed. She started to walk toward Todd.

As if he'd been woken out of a dream, Todd pulled back sharply. "NO! Don't you touch me!"

Viki pulled back as well. "I won't. Sweetheart, there is nothing in your touch that will hurt anyone."

Todd stared at Viki for another moment and then walked over to the nurses station. "I wanna use the phone."

"Whom do you want to call?" Nancy asked calmly.

"Nora Buchanan."

Todd's response shocked Sam, Viki and Nancy.

"I'm sorry, Todd. Nora is not on the list of people you're allowed to call," Nancy informed him gently.

Todd looked daggers at Nancy and walked back to where Sam and Viki stood. "Is it true that you and Sam get to say who my lawyer is?"

"What is it, Boomer? Tell me," Sam stated.

"I don't want you to be my lawyer anymore. I want Nora," Todd announced.

"Boomer. Téa and I have been handling your legal needs for months. Is there a problem?"

"No problem. I want Nora now. I want you to tell Doctor Hanen that it's okay for me to call Nora and for her to be my lawyer."

"Sweetheart. We have to check with Nora first. You know there are still some hard feelings between the two of you," Viki reminded him.

"Yeah. I know," Todd looked at the floor and murmured.

"Can you tell us why you want Nora to represent you?" Susannah asked.

"I just do!" Todd said obstinately. He looked Viki in the eye again. "I also want you to tell them that Téa's not allowed to visit here anymore."

Viki saw Téa standing back, with some of the staff. She saw the same love and determination in Téa's eyes that Todd saw. Viki knew Téa would never walk away from Todd. She also knew he needed Téa in his treatment and in his life, if he were ever to get that life back. Viki realized it was a two-way street and Téa needed Todd as much as he needed her. She hated to say no to Todd. Nevertheless, she was determined to stay firm on this.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. I only want what is best for you. Keeping Téa away would not be best for you."

"WHO DIED AND APPOINTED YOU KEEPER OF WHAT’S BEST FOR ME!" Todd shouted furiously.

"The court decided that I was to make decisions for you. The judge knows how much I love you and knows I will only make decisions in your best interest," Viki said firmly.

"IT'S NOT IN MY BEST INTEREST TO HAVE YOU AND SAM AND DELGADO AROUND HERE! IT'S NOT IN MY BEST INTEREST TO KEEP ME FROM HAVING THE LAWYER THAT I WANT! YOU HATE ME! YOU HATE ME FOR RUINING YOUR LIFE AND MAKING YOU COME HERE ALL THE TIME! THAT'S WHY YOU'RE DOING THIS TO ME!"

Frank approached Todd. "Hey, buddy. You need to calm down. Come on. Let's go to the dayroom. Would you like to watch television? You haven't been able to do that for a long time."

"I WANNA CALL NORA!" Todd insisted.

Susannah walked over to Todd. "Todd, we've never discussed this before. I'm not sure if you realize that Nora is my sister."

Todd stared at Susannah for a few seconds. On one level he wasn't surprised. Somehow that information had passed from the alters who knew that and from Todd's own memory. On another level, Todd was shocked because he had not thought about this.

Saber laughed loudly. "Your wonderful Doctor Hanen . . . that you care about so much," he taunted. "She's connected to the Buchanans. They've been paying her to make you even crazier than you were. You can't trust anyone Todd, no one but me. I tell you the truth. I don't worry about hurting your tender little girl feelings. You listen to me and no one will get hurt. They know what you did to your own mother. They know what you made your father do to you. Everyone in this room knows what you did. They all think you're disgusting. They know there's something evil in you that drove your mother away and your father to do what he did. They're only pretending to love you and care about you because they think you're too crazy to handle the truth. The courts think you're too crazy to take care of yourself and make your own decisions. That's why they appointed Viki and Sam to do it. You destroy everyone you love, Todd. There's only one way not to get your filth on all of them. There's only one way not to have them end up dead, like your mother and father. You make them want to send you away. Think, stupid! This can work out for you. Nora would want to protect her own sister. She'll try even harder to do what you want. You get them to get Nora for you."

They could tell by the way Todd jumped and looked that he was hearing something or someone that only he could hear.

"Todd," Susannah called to him softly. "Did you hear what I said?"

"So, she's your sister. Big deal! I still want her to be my lawyer."

Susannah knew Todd had a right to have anyone he wanted represent him. Unless she deemed something he or she wanted detrimental to a patient, Susannah always tried to protect their rights. "We will speak to Nora."

"Susannah! That's ridiculous! Nora hates him. She threw his case when she represented him before," Sam protested.

Sam walked over to Todd.

"Boomer. You know I will always protect your rights. I love you and care about you."

Todd looked into Sam's eyes. Sam was not used to this.

"Don't!" Todd said sharply. "Don't love me. Don't care about me. Leave me alone! I want Nora to be my lawyer. Now I want you," Todd pointed to Sam, "and you and you," he pointed to Viki and then Téa, "to get out. I don't want you here!"

"Todd. Viki, Téa and Sam are part of your treatment team. They need to be here," Susannah reminded him.

Susannah saw fear in Todd's eyes when he realized he could not make them leave. Then she saw his nostrils’ flair with anger.

"Fuck you! Fuck all of you. You can stay here all you want. You can't make me talk to you." Todd started to head back to his room.

They all knew he was still trying to drive them away with things he believed would have made his mother leave him sooner than she did.

"Hold it, buddy," Jeff called out to him. "You can't stay in your room all day. You can go to the dayroom."

"Or you can come to my office with me. You don't have to have a session right now. We can sit quietly," Susannah informed him.

Todd glared furiously at Jeff and Susannah. Then without another word he stomped angrily to the dayroom. He plopped down in one of the easy chairs. He folded his arms across his chest defiantly and stared straight ahead. Susannah motioned Téa, Sam and Viki to follow Todd into the dayroom. She wanted to continue to observe his interaction with them. All attempts by Susannah, the staff and Todd's family to engage him in conversation failed. Todd also refused to acknowledge any offers of something to read, the television being turned on, music being played, or anything to occupied his time. The only clues Todd gave to what he was feeling were his occasional attempts to self-soothe, by rocking himself and breathing deeply. The memories, getting his sight back, his confrontations with Téa, his fear of harming those he loved, his desperation to get them out of his life and his anger and frustration at not being able to do so, were overwhelming Todd. Susannah knew he needed quiet. She ushered everyone but some of the nurses and techs out of the dayroom.

Frank noticed tears form in Todd's eyes as he watched them all leave. Todd then went back to staring straight ahead.

*****

Susannah asked Sam, Viki and Téa to come to her office with her. Now they all sat in a semicircle in the club chairs in her office.

"I can't believe Todd allowed himself to let go of the blindness," Téa stated first.

"Thank God," Viki declared. "I was so afraid he'd never allow himself to see again."

"Maybe he's letting go of what happened the night I let Peter . . ." Sam's voice trailed off.

They were all worried by the way Sam phrased that. His guilt was getting out of proportion.

"Sam, you didn't let Peter do anything to Todd. You had no idea that was going on," Susannah tried to get Sam to see the reality of the situation.

"In his own way, Todd cried out for my help every time we were together. Not knowing what was going on is the same as giving that bastard carte blanch to torture Todd. I know what I did, and all the pretty spin you put on it won't change a damn thing," Sam said bitterly. "Now I don't want to discuss this anymore. I'm not your patient."

Téa broke the momentary silence that followed Sam's statement. "Doctor Hanen. Todd allowing himself to see again is a good thing, isn't it?" Téa's instincts told her something was bothering Susannah.

"Yes. Of course. In most ways it's a very, very good thing and does show that Todd is willing to let go of punishing himself in that way. It may also be that Todd had a need to see something that was much more powerful than his need to be blind. As for Michelle and the night of Todd's fourteenth birthday . . . I don't believe that Todd has forgiven himself for that at all."

Susannah could see they all looked disappointed.

"I'm sorry. I know you were all wishing for that. I hope I'm wrong, but I think what happened is that Todd pushed that night so far down that he's not thinking about it at all any more, not even on an unconscious level. His nightmares about that night have stopped. He is able to speak about Georgie without falling apart. He is able to tell us that he didn't kill her. That's as far as Todd is allowing himself to think about either incident. I'm concerned because I think Todd has reasons for wanting his vision back that have nothing to do with his need to punish himself lessening."

Viki looked anxious. "Do you think it's because his need to kill himself is stronger?"

Susannah nodded. "Yes, I do think that's a part of it. I'm very concerned that Todd has a more concrete plan in mind. I'm sure that Todd is hearing Saber, or some other alter or alters that we don't know about more often and that he, she, or they are encouraging this plan . . . or Saber or another alter might have a plan of his or her own. I also think Todd is finding a new way to punish himself."

"By removing all of us from his life?" Téa guessed.

"Yes. I believe that is Todd's choice of self-punishment now. Only it's more complicated than that. Punishing himself is only one reason Todd wants all of you out of his life. He genuinely believes that he's vile and filthy and he is trying to protect all of you. His fear of contaminating you by touch is very real. Todd's ability to love is powerful. His desire to protect those he loves this much is just as powerful."

"I understand what it is to feel dirty and vile in that way," Viki admitted. They saw the pain in her eyes. "I never took it to this extreme. However, I did feel that I was subhuman and not worthy of the hugs and affection my family gave me. Only one of my alters, Jean, had an aversion to being touched. In Jean's case it was more her need to be emotionally detached from everyone. I felt all of her feelings eventually. Is it possible that Todd is picking up on Brina's feelings?" Viki asked.

"It is, but I don't think Todd is communicating with Brina. I think the trauma this is related to are the things Andy, Storm and Ritchie have gone through. It's tied in with Peter not only sexually abusing and torturing Todd, but also with Peter forcing Todd to sexually abuse his mother when she would get drunk. Peter also made Todd do vile things to Barbara, like urinate on her. Most times, Peter would not stop until Todd was able to become sexually aroused. In Todd's mind, this is probably one of the greatest sins. Todd is being flooded with humiliation and shame. He thinks of himself in terms like disgusting and perverted."

"Thanks to Barbara," Sam spat out bitterly.

"Yes. The comments Andy overheard his mother making have a lot to do with his perception of himself. Even without those, Todd still would have felt tremendous shame. He feels as if his body betrayed him. He did not want to become sexually aroused. He has no understanding of the way his body works. He believes he must have wanted his dad to abuse him that way and that he must have wanted to abuse his mother that way if he became aroused. He thinks there has to be something wrong with him that made his father do the things he did to him. It is very common for children to believe they have the power within them to be responsible for everything that happens in their life. Todd has never gotten past this. He believes that there is something about him . . . about his body . . . that will drive people to hurt him and drive him to hurt people. Todd believes his body is only good being used and for hurting others. His violence . . . particularly the rapes . . . reinforced this in Todd's mind. We need to get him to a different mind set. We need to change his perceptions."

"Until then, will he keep pushing us away?" Viki asked.

"Possibly. Todd is a paradox. He wants to push all of you out of his life. He fears hurting you. He fears the intimacy his relationship with each of you provides. At the same time he's terrified of being abandoned by all of you. When he first came back, after Ritchie had been out, and all of you were not there, he immediately thought you were gone for good. He assumed you became disgusted and fed up with him and left him forever. Todd wants a normal relationship with Téa. He has a tremendous need for the kind of nurturing you and Sam give him, Viki. Every instinct in Todd rightfully tells him he needs to regain the nurturing that he never got as a child. Todd's mind is a battleground. He's in constant conflict with himself."

"Damn it! We should have stayed at the hospital, even if Ritchie had no need for us to be there. All I did was stay home. I should have been here." Sam was filled with even more self-loathing than before.

"Sam, it is not realistic that any of you would be here twenty-four/seven. Todd has to learn that even if those who love him are not with him, they still love him and that they will not abandon him. Todd needs to learn that at a most basic level."

Susannah saw they did not understand. "Do you remember the way we played peek-a-boo with the Baby?"

They all nodded.

"We did that because it was fun for him. We also did that to teach him that even when he doesn't see us for a second or two, we will come back. I'm not saying we take it down to this level with Todd, but we will have to very gradually get Todd to understand that just because someone isn't with him or there for him at all times, it doesn't mean they are abandoning him. I think that Todd is at a point where it will be beneficial for him to experience all of you going about your life for a few hours a day . . . maybe just an hour or two at the beginning."

"What about nighttime?" Viki asked anxiously.

"I don't know about you," Sam said to Viki. "I'm not leaving him here at night without at least one of us being with him. Nighttime is very hard for Todd and for the children."

"I agree, Susannah," Viki stated. "I don't want to be away from Todd overnight either. Quite honestly, it's for my sake as well as his. I can't seem to sleep well when I'm away from him."

Susannah knew this was a common reaction for parents when a child is or has recently been very ill. There was no reason to ask Sam and Viki to stop staying over at this time. Susannah knew the time for that would come and she would work with all of them to make the transition easier.

"I'm not asking or advising either of you to leave Todd overnight," Susannah began, much to their relief. "My guess is that Todd will tell you he doesn't want either of you in his room with him at night and then he will become very upset to find himself without you. It's all right, for now, for one of you to stay with him. If he pushes you away, stay at the hospital so that he knows you're here. I think the nights will prove to be the breaking point for Todd when it comes to pushing those he loves away."

"What about daytime? Shouldn't at least one of us be here for him all day?" Téa asked.

"At first, yes. You can each increase your time away from the hospital gradually. First one of you at a time, then I'd like Viki and Sam to leave together for a couple of hours. I'd like you to leave for a few hours a day too, Téa. Every time Todd sees that you all come back, that he is not being abandoned, it will reinforce a more realistic perception for him. I'm not saying it will happen overnight. It may take months. It may take hundreds of assurances that you will always come back. Todd has had many years for the perceptions he has to become ingrained in his mind. They will not go away just like that. We will be doing a version of peek-a-boo that is more suited to Todd's developmental level with this issue."

Téa looked confused. "I don't understand."

“Todd has not been allowed to mature to an adult level on many issues. He perceives them as a child would. Todd's abandonment issues fall into this category. So does his sense of betrayal. Todd handles someone leaving him as a young child does. He is also this way when he believes someone has turned against him. With Todd it's all or nothing. You are either 100 percent in his corner or you are his enemy."

"Yes!" Téa exclaimed. "Oh my God. That is so true. I remember the way Todd felt about Sam working for Bo's defense during the investigation into Georgie's murder. Then when I became a part of the team, Todd felt totally betrayed. He felt the same way when I called Sam after we ran off for Canada. I don't think he's ever forgotten either of those things. It was the same with Patrick. Todd becomes obsessed when he feels betrayed."

"Todd had no way to learn a realistic view of things," Susannah explained. "He will have to relearn many of the things most of us learn as children. Almost everything in Todd's life has been distorted. He learned to adapt to this distorted life to save himself. Now he has to learn to adapt to a life in healthy way, not in a maladaptive way."

Téa sighed. "Just hearing about all of this is overwhelming. I can't even begin to understand what it will be like for Todd to have to go through all of this."

"It will be very difficult. I won't lie to you about that. Difficult and painful. We will take things very slowly . . . one step at a time. Todd becomes easily overwhelmed and frustrated. We know that and will push him only as far as he can tolerate. The more he succeeds, the better he will feel about himself. It will encourage him to go on."

"You're acting like all you have to do is press some magic button and Todd will suddenly start doing all these things. Right now he won't even speak to any of us. Do you expect any cooperation at all if you can't even get him to acknowledge your presence!" Sam lashed out.

"No. The issue at hand will have to be dealt with first," Susannah answered calmly. "I'm hoping that Todd's need for your love will overpower his desire to push you away. I'm also hoping once Todd realizes he cannot push those who love him and those he loves out of his life, he will begin to accept it and stop trying at this intense level."

"Todd has always tried to push away those he loves on some level, before they can reject him," Viki pointed out.

"That has more to do with his abandonment issues than the sexual abuse. Right now Todd is pushing all of you out of his life for a combination of reasons, that being just one of them. I have to warn you that he will most like pull out all the stops before he accepts that you are not going away."

"Do you think his regaining his vision also has to do with his need to force us out of his life?" Téa asked.

"Possibly. Honestly, I don't know," Susannah answered truthfully. "Hopefully Todd will give us some clues."

"So you're saying nothing good came of Todd being able to see again after all this time?" Sam pressed. They all heard the anger and frustration in his voice.

"No. I'm not saying that at all. This is still a very good thing. Certainly if Todd is trying to isolate himself as punishment, it is not the severe punishment that being blind was. Todd regaining his vision will also help me to do treatment with him in ways I couldn't before. Before the blindness, Todd's depression, psychosis and constant dissociation were too severe for him to be able to participate in most treatment. Afterward, the blindness made it impossible without Todd going through more extensive training, like learning Braille. Then we had his physical illnesses to contend with. I was limited in how much I could stress Todd, physically. Now, not only is Todd getting stronger physically, he can see. That opens many doors as far as his treatment goals go.

"What kind of treatment do you plan for him now?" Viki inquired.

"I'd like him to start a communications journal with the alters. I'd like Laura to start working with Todd. Eventually, I'd like to videotape as many of the alters that will feel comfortable with that and I'd like Todd to see the tape. Todd has a distorted view of his illness. He is still in denial in many ways. On some level he still believes the Buchanans are doing this to him. He also believes it's the drugs. Todd still cringes at the mention of alters and he thinks of the alters he is able to communicate with as completely separate from himself."

Sam shifted uncomfortably. He too had his suspicions about the Buchanans. Only Sam was frightened by these thoughts because, most of the time, he was still able to realize how irrational they were.

Secrets 117, Page 2