*****

Todd, Sam, Susannah, Frank and Jeff stepped out of the dayroom and into the hallway. Although he hated it and was mortified by it, Todd allowed Frank to hold his arm and guide him as they walked. Todd stopped walking, causing them all to stop. "Sam," Todd called out.

"I'm right here, Todd. What's wrong?" Sam was concerned by the tone in Todd's voice.

Todd rubbed his hand over his hair and face and then down the front of the sweatshirt he was wearing. Todd hung his head in embarrassment. "Sam, am I clean? Do I look okay or am I messy?" Todd whispered. He didn't realize everyone else was close enough to hear his question.

Sam smiled. Susannah and the staff saw the love pouring out of Sam's eyes as he looked at Todd. "You look fine pal. Your hair, face and clothes are clean. Téa will be so happy to see you."

Todd took a deep breath. He felt a little fuzzy and off balance. He was sorry he agreed to take the medication.

"Todd would you like to wait a while before you go to see Téa?" Frank asked.

"No! I want to see her now! You promised! You said I could."

"Hey buddy. Calm down. We're taking you to see Téa right now. I thought you might want to take a few minutes or sit down and rest for a while first," Frank explained.

"No, I want to go see Delgado now." Todd insisted.

"Okay, then that's what you'll do. I'm going to hold onto your arm again and we are going to go through the doors that lead off the unit. Then we have to walk about thirty feet down a hallway to the elevator and take that to the ICU." Frank explained every step of the way to Todd. He didn't want him to panic. They would be taking the patient transport elevator. If Todd started to freak out, they didn't want any visitors to become alarmed.

They continued to head for the doors. "Is Doctor Hanen here?" Todd's question sounded more like a plea. Susannah could hear that he wanted to make sure she was with him.

"I'm here Todd. I'll stay with you the whole time," Susannah assured him.

"Why are we stopping?" Todd asked when Frank stopped him from continuing.

"We have to unlock the doors. It'll just take a second," Frank filled him in.

Todd started to tremble. At the same time he began to perspire profusely. His heart started to race and his chest became tight and painful. His entire body started to tingle, his fingers and mouth more than the rest. They felt numb. "I can't breathe," Todd gasped.

They all saw what was happening immediately. Jeff quickly put the key he was about to use away. Susannah took Todd's ice cold, clammy, hand. "Todd, it's all right. You're having an anxiety attack. We're going to walk you back to a chair so you can sit down."

"No! I have to see Delgado! Oh God! Please don't let this happen now."

"Todd, it's all right. You just need to slow down your breathing and try to relax. We'll do some of the relaxation techniques we taught you. Come on, honey. Let's get you to a chair."

They all exchanged looks. It was obvious to them that the thought of leaving the unit sent Todd into a state of panic.

Todd was trembling so badly he could hardly walk with them. He wanted to die more than ever. 'I'm such a loser. God! What's happening to me? I can't even go to see my wife without freaking out. Ohhhh! I am crazy. I'll never be okay. I'll never get out of here for good. I'm worthless, garbage. Delgado needs me and I'm too crazy to help her.' Thoughts of self-hatred and shame pummeled Todd's brain.

"Okay, buddy. You're standing in front of a chair. Sit down and we'll help you get calm."

Todd was frozen with panic. He couldn't move or understand Frank's words. Frank and Jeff slowly and gently lowered him to the chair.

"Boomer, I won't let anything hurt you. I swear. You're safe. Let me help you. Tell me how to help you." Sam was panicking a little himself. His tolerance for seeing Todd like this was lessening as his own anxiety, guilt and depression increased. He was already blaming himself for what was happening to Todd.

"Sam, it's difficult for Todd to understand all that you're saying to him right now. He can't answer questions. He needs to be directed," Susannah whispered to Sam. She spoke to him gently. She didn't want Sam losing it as well. "We will help Todd calm down. It would be best if you sat down and relaxed so Todd doesn't pick up on your anxiety."

Sam didn't argue or resist. He sat down and stayed quiet.

Susannah sat down next to Todd. Todd was still in the throes of the severe anxiety attack. Even though Todd had been instructed in coping skills many times before and had been able to utilize them by himself when he felt moderate anxiety, right now his panic was too severe to think or remember. Susannah would have to guide him, step by step. "Todd, we're going to slow down your breathing. I'm going to take your hands and place the left one on my abdomen and right one on your abdomen." Todd didn't respond. The only sound coming from him was the sound of him gasping for breath. Susannah took Todd's hands. She placed one hand right below her rib cage and the other below his own rib cage. "Todd, we're going to breathe in slowly and deeply through our nose. We're going to send the air as far down into our lungs as we can. You will feel your left hand rise as I take a deep breath. You need to feel your right hand do the same."

It took Susannah six tries at modeling the abdominal breathing technique before Todd could even begin to struggle in and attempt to copy her breathing. Finally he was able to take a breath deep enough to cause his right hand to rise.

"Great job, Todd! Very good! After we take the next deep breath we're going to pause for a moment and then exhale very slowly and fully." Susannah knew he could not handle more than one step at a time. She waited until he had mastered the first step before she directed him to do this one.

Todd's perspiring was starting to decrease slightly as his breathing slowed down. "Todd, I need to place my fingers on your wrist." Todd nodded. Susannah took his pulse. It too was slowing down. Susannah went on to the next step. "Todd, as you exhale, I want you to allow your whole body to go limp."

This step proved to be much more difficult for Todd, as Susannah feared it would be. His muscles were as tight as a drum. At this point, Susannah didn't think he would be able to handle using progressive relaxation techniques to relax his muscle groups.

"I can't," Todd cried out.

"That's all right. Just try to relax your body as much as you can as you exhale. We'll take ten deep breaths and count them by saying the number of the breath after we exhale." Susannah continued to speak slowly, clearly and softly.

It took until breath five before Todd was able to count along with Susannah. Todd was finally able to achieve some degree of muscle relaxation. "You're doing great, Todd," Susannah praised. His perspiring had stopped. "Todd, I'm going to place my fingers on your wrist again so I can take your pulse. Okay?" Susannah asked. He nodded once more. She knew he was relaxed enough to be able to understand her. His heart rate was nearly back to normal, for him. "Okay, Todd, I want you do say some of your positive statements."

Todd thought for a few moments. "I-I can’t. I . . ."

"That’s okay. I’ll help you." Susannah could see he couldn’t remember them on his own. "Take another deep breath through your nose and exhale through your mouth." Todd followed her direction. "Say, this is a normal bodily reaction to stress."

"This is a normal bodily reaction to stress," Todd repeated. His voice was slow and weak.

"This cannot harm me," Susannah said clearly.

"This cannot harm me," Todd’s voice was a little stronger this time.

"I will overcome this," Susannah prompted.

"I will overcome this," Todd repeated. Then on his own, he was able to remember, "I've survived this experience before and I can do it again."

Susannah smiled. "Very good Todd. You’re doing great! I’m very proud of you. Can you tell me how you're feeling?" Susannah asked him.

"Better," Todd whispered. He moved his fingers around. "I can feel them again. My chest doesn't hurt anymore."

"That's very good, Todd." Terry approached them with a clean dry sweatshirt. "Todd, your shirt is all wet. I'm going to take it off and help you put on a dry one," Susannah informed him. Todd once again nodded. He lifted his arms as Susannah pulled the damp sweatshirt off of him and pulled his arms and then his head through the clean one. Once that was done, Susannah asked. "Can you tell me what you were feeling right before your anxiety attack started?"

Todd thought for a moment and shrugged. "I wasn't feeling anything," he denied.

"How do you feel about going off the unit?" Susannah asked more directly.

Todd didn't respond at first. Then he shrugged and hung his head again. "I got scared," he whispered.

“Can you tell me what you were scared of?" Susannah gently pressed.

"I'm so stupid . . . stupid and crazy . . . a psycho, like Asa says," Todd murmured miserably.

"What happened just now that makes you feel that you are all those things," Susannah asked softly. Her heart went out to him.

"I've been wanting to get out of here and get through those damn doors ever since the day I woke up and found myself locked in this loony bin and now when I was gonna get to do it I got so scared." Tears slowly made their way down Todd's cheeks.

"Do you know what scared you?" Susannah rephrased her question.

Todd thought for a minute. "People," he whispered again.

"People scare you." Susannah restated.

Todd nodded. "I scare them too. They hate me. Everyone hates me. They think I'm a monster. They want to hurt me."

"Are there specific people that you think want to hurt you?" Susannah inquired.

"The Buchanans . . . Hank Gannon . . . that mean voice," Todd wiped his eyes with the palms of his hands and wiped his nose on his sleeve.

"Let's start with the mean voice. Tell me what he says that scares you," Susannah prompted.

Todd sighed. He took a deep breath. "He's gonna hurt Starr and Téa and everyone I care about. He's gonna hurt me so I can't help them. He knows I can't stop him and he can do anything he wants to me or to them. He hates me."

"How does it make you feel to think that he can hurt you and those you love like that?" Susannah believed Todd was strong enough to discuss this.

"Scared! I told you that already." Todd sounded annoyed.

"Does it make you feel anything besides scared?"

"Angry. It makes me angry," Todd admitted.

"What about it makes you angry?"

"He's got all this power over me. He can do whatever he wants and I can't stop him. He can hurt everyone and me and I can't stop him."

"You feel powerless," Susannah again restated.

Todd thought about it and nodded in agreement.

"Does it make you feel like you have no control over your own life?" Susannah asked.

Todd nodded again.

"It must feel awful to feel those things," Susannah acknowledged.

"It sucks! I hate it. He makes my head hurt so much. He's gonna do it. He's stronger than me and he's bigger and he can do whatever he wants and no one can help or stop him. I hate him! I HATE HIM!"

"Does the way the voice makes you feel remind you of the way anyone else made you feel?" Susannah encouraged him to make a comparison.

Todd's body tensed up. "Okay, I don't wanna talk anymore," Todd stated nervously.

"Who else made you feel powerless and like you had no control over what would happen to you or those you loved?" Susannah pushed.

Todd's chin began to quiver. He began to rock back and fourth. "My dad," he whispered so softly he practically mouthed it.

"That's right. Your dad made you feel that way. He made you feel like there was nothing you could do to stop him from hurting you and those you loved and that made you very angry," Susannah verbalized for him.

"You can't get mad at my dad. You'll get punished even worse if you get mad at him," Todd protested.

"That was true when you were a little boy. You're all grown up now and your dad is dead. Honey. He can't hurt you anymore. You never have to be afraid of him again. You can get as mad at him as you want."

Todd started to shiver. "No, he comes back sometimes. That voice . . . it . . . it . . ." Todd hugged himself tightly.

"It sounds like your dad," Susannah finished his thought for him.

"Yeah," Todd confessed. "And he's out there. He's gonna hurt me and he's gonna make me really mad and when I get mad I hurt everyone. I can't help it. I don't wanna hurt people. I hate me when I hurt people."

"What part about hurting people feels good?" Susannah shocked both Todd and Sam with her question.

"No part of hurting people is supposed to feel good! That's sick!" Todd exclaimed.

"Todd, when it comes to feelings there's no such thing as supposed to. We feel what we feel. Did you feel anything good when you were hurting Marty or Nora or anyone else you hurt?"

Todd's rocking increased. He nervously rubbed his hands through his hair. "I hate me! I hate me! I deserve to be locked away! I deserve to die!"

"Why, Todd? Why do you feel you deserve to be locked away and die?" Susannah knew he was close. She didn't want him to lose this chance.

Todd laughed ironically. "Because it did feel good. Not afterward . . . afterward it felt so bad and I hated myself so much . . . I . . . I . . . when I was hurting someone it made me feel like I had all the power and nothing bad could happen to me because I have all the control. I get so mad sometimes . . . it's like all this rage is inside me. It hurts me and makes my head hurt and makes me have these thoughts about hurting someone and they don't go away until I do."

"Who's the person you really want to hurt?" Susannah tried to focus his anger where it belonged.

"All of them! Everyone! You need to keep me locked away forever. You can't ever let me out. I hurt everyone even when I don't get mad. That's why Delgado is hurt! That's why she hates me. How can I face her when I got her hurt so bad? I'll hurt everyone. I hurt Blair. I'll hurt Starr. You can't ever open those doors."

"What doors Todd? The doors to the unit or the doors to your rage?"

"A monster lives inside me. He always has. He's there and he's waiting. No matter what I do . . . no matter what you do . . . he lives there. He just waits and when the door is open . . . even a tiny crack . . . even this much . . ." Todd held his thumb and index finger apart by the tiniest of fractions. "He gets out. He gets out and someone gets hurt."

"Are the voice and the monster one and the same?" Susannah prodded.

"No! The voice says he'll hurt everyone. The monster makes me hurt everyone."

"Do you think the people you've hurt, like Marty and Nora, deserved to be hurt?" Susannah continued to probe.

"They hurt me first!"

"How? What did they do to you?"

"Marty made me feel things I didn't wanna feel. Then she made me look stupid and get kicked off the football team. She made me look bad in front of my dad. Nora was supposed to help me. She was my lawyer. She was supposed to be there for me and protect me. She was supposed to keep me from being hurt and she didn't. She threw me to the wolves. She was good to Powell. She liked him. She helped him. She chose him over me. I heard she was at that beach house. I wanted to make her pay. I wanted to make her sorry for turning on me. I wanted to make her hurt the way I was hurt. I wanted her to know what it felt like. It did feel good to see how scared she was of being alone with a monster. She deserved it! She never really cared about me. She just pretended to. She chose Charles over me. I hate her! I hate her!"

Sam gasped. He never made the connection. He remembered how furious he was with Todd when he found out what Todd had done to Nora. 'My God! How could I have been so blind?' Sam chastised himself. At this point Sam almost welcomed more guilt. He wanted to punish himself.

"Todd, Nora never knew Charles. Your mom was the one who stayed with Charles and sent you home to your dad. It was your dad who hurt you." Susannah presented the reality of the situation to Todd. Todd began to tremble. "Todd, who is it the monster really wants to hurt? It's okay to say it. Nothing bad will happen by just saying it. We will keep you and everyone around you safe." Todd had his arms wrapped around him so tightly his knuckles were turning white. "Who are the people you really want to hurt?" Susannah repeated.

"I can't get mad at them. Something terrible will happen if I get mad at them."

"Get mad at whom Todd?" Susannah persisted.

"He'll hurt me so bad if he thinks I'm mad at him. She'll leave and never come back. No! I'm not mad at them! NO!"

Very gently, Susannah once again presented the reality of the situation to him. She firmly believed he was strong enough to face this, right now and right there. "Honey. Your mom and dad are both dead. They are not waiting outside those doors. Your dad can never hurt you again and your mom can't leave you again, no matter how angry you get. You can hate them and be furious with them all you want to. There is nothing they can ever do to hurt you again. Todd, who makes you feel rage and makes you want to lash out and hurt them?"

"My dad and . . . and . . . m-my m-m-mom." Todd's voice was barely audible. "NOOOOO!" Todd shrieked. "I'm the worst person who ever walked the face of the earth. I am a monster! How can anyone want to hurt their own parents! I want to die! I deserve to die!" Todd began to beat his fists against the sides of his head.

Frank quickly grabbed his wrists. "No hurting yourself Todd."

Sam jumped from his chair. He pulled Todd into a hug, startling him. Todd gasped. "No, Boomer. You're not a monster. Your parents hurt you! They deserve to be hated. They deserve to be hurt! You never deserved what was done to you, not by your parents and not by Nora. You had every right to expect your dad not to hurt you and your mom to protect you. You had every right to a defense, even if you did hurt Marty. Nora was wrong. Oh pal, I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. I should have been. So much wouldn't have happened if I had been. I should be on that list Todd. You should want to hurt me too. I let you get hurt. I didn't save you from your dad. I let you go back into that house day after day and face being tortured."

"No! No! Let go of me!" Todd pulled away from Sam so forcefully he slid off the chair. Todd pulled himself along the hallway floor until he made contact with a wall. He pulled his knees up to his chest and buried his head in them. He began to rock wildly. Todd was terrified because he realized that there were times when some of the rage he felt was directed at Sam. There were times he did want to hurt Sam.

Sam was horrified by Todd's reaction to him. "Boomer," he whispered. Tears fell down Sam's cheeks. He went back to his seat. 'No matter what I do I hurt him,' Sam thought to himself.

Todd heard the laughter. "He's right Todd. Some of that famous rage you feel is for Sam, isn't it? You want to hurt him, don't you? Don't worry. He's on my list Todd. I'll hurt him for you. I told you. I'll hurt everyone you ever cared about. I already hurt your precious Delgado. Maybe they are lying to you? Maybe she's not really okay? You're not man enough to find out. You couldn't even walk out of here when they were giving you the fucking key to freedom. Téa needs a man Todd. Maybe I'll go show her what a man is like and then finish the job I started on her?" Saber taunted Todd.

"DON'T YOU GO NEAR HER!" Todd shouted. Todd put his hands up over his ears. They realized he was hearing Saber or another voice or voices.

Susannah knelt down to where Todd sat huddled against the wall. She placed her hands on top of his, as he continued to press his palms into his ears. Susannah gently pulled his hands away from his ears. She placed her hands on either side of his head and held him so he couldn't bury his head. "Listen to my voice Todd. Focus on my voice and not on any other voice. You're safe. Todd, you're safe." Todd's breathing was still erratic. "Focus on my voice Todd," Susannah instructed. "We won't let anyone hurt you or anyone else. You were able to say what you felt and that was very, very brave. You are a courageous young man. If the voice is telling you you're not, it's lying to you. You were able to say whom you were angry with and nothing bad happened. You weren't hurt and neither was anyone else. You said it, Todd. You said it and the world didn't come to an end. We kept you safe. We kept everyone safe. Listen to my voice." Todd's breathing began to stabilize. His trembling slowed down. "Nothing bad happened," Susannah repeated. "You and everyone else are safe."

Todd leaned into Susannah. She wrapped her arms around him and gently rocked him. "You did it, honey. I'm so proud of you. Everyone here is so proud of you. You're strong Todd. You're very strong."

"I wanna see Delgado," Todd whimpered.

"You can see her. We said we'd let you see her. You're staying safe. You didn't hurt yourself or anyone else. You kept yourself safe. You can see her." Susannah still did not feel he was ready to leave the unit. She had hoped he would change his mind. Nevertheless, she would not break a promise to a patient and violate his trust. As long as Todd was holding it together, she would follow through on the promise Sam twisted her arm to make. Also, while Susannah did not believe Todd was ready for this, she did not want him to fear leaving the unit. She knew it was common for patients who have been hospitalized, especially for long-term hospitalization, to fear leaving. She wanted Todd to start working on those problems now. She did not want him to give up the dream of getting his life back, outside the hospital walls.

"Nothing bad will happen if I go through the doors?" Todd asked in a childlike way.

"Nothing bad will happen." Susannah knew he didn't trust himself or the world around him. He realized he was not yet able to always keep himself safe or keep himself from acting out against others. She understood he was asking for them to help him keep control. "We won't let anyone hurt you and we won't let you hurt anyone. It's safe to go through the doors if you still want to."

Todd hesitated. He looked like there was something else he wanted to say or ask. Susannah thought she knew what it was. "Todd, you look like there is still something bothering you. Is there something else you'd like to talk about?"

They all waited silently for a few more minutes to give Todd a chance to gather the strength to talk about what was bothering him and to organize his thoughts.

Todd hung his head. "Can you make sure they don't come out?"

"Who are they?" Susannah pressed.

Todd nervously ran his fingers through his hair again. "You know! Those people who run around in my head . . . those kids . . . the ones who like Téa so much. I don't want them to make me look stupid and crazy."

"I can't promise you that you won't dissociate," Susannah admitted gently.

"Dissociate?" Todd was puzzled. Susannah had told Todd what that meant, but he had forgotten or buried it again.

"I can't stop you from going inside, honey."

"I hate me!" Todd cried out. "I don't want to make a fool of myself in front of Téa and God knows who else. I'm such a loser!"

"Todd, I can't promise you won't go inside, but you were able to stay with us while we discussed a lot of very painful things. You're getting stronger, honey. I know it may not seem that way to you. You are. You are able to keep from going inside more and more every day. Eventually we will help you learn to get much more control over this." Todd's head still hung in shame. Susannah gently lifted his face by his chin. "You don't have to worry about Tom or Timmy hurting Téa. If they come out, I promise you they will not hurt her and they will not make a fool of you. I promise," Susannah repeated firmly. "Okay?" she asked as she stroked his head with her other hand.

"Whatever," Todd mumbled. "I want to make sure Delgado is really okay. I want her to know I'm sorry. I don't want her to be scared." Todd paused again. "Will you help me if I get scared?" His tone was childlike.