"I'm sorry, Todd. Randy's back and he loves us. You wanna hold him?" Tom asked through his tears.

Todd wanted to, very much. Like Tom, Todd saw the dog alter as real and being their Randy.

"I'm afraid," Todd whispered.

"What are you afraid of?" Susannah pushed.

"I'll hurt him. I hurt everyone I love."

"You won't hurt him Todd. It's safe to allow yourself to feel Randy's love. Let Tom walk to you and hand you Randy," Susannah coaxed.

Todd looked at Tom. He didn't know what Tom meant when he said they used to be friends and that he helped him. Todd looked at Tom closely. He was just a little boy. He looked into Tom's innocent green eyes. He knew this child wouldn't hurt him. Todd held out a trembling hand. Shyly and cautiously Tom came close. He held Randy in his arms. "I didn't mean to make you feel bad," Todd apologized.

"That's okay," Tom graciously accepted Todd's apology. "I'm sorry if I scared you." Tom expressed his regret. Timidly, Tom placed his hand in Todd's. They all stared with tears in their eyes when they realized that Todd's steady left hand was Tom's and his trembling right hand was his own.

Tom's hand felt small to Todd. "How old are you?" Todd asked.

"Seven," Tom responded. He held Randy clutched to his chest. Todd saw Randy looking at him. He longed to feel him in his arms. Always able to read what everyone felt, Tom asked. "Do you wanna hold him? He loves you too, Todd. He misses you."

Todd started to cry. "I miss him too. I've missed him for so long. I never had another dog after Randy."

"It's okay. You can hold him. Randy belongs to all of us." Tom stated.

"All of us?" Todd asked nervously. "Never mind," Todd added quickly, before Tom had a chance to answer.

Tom shrugged. "Okay. Todd, I think Randy wants you to hold him. He misses you."

Todd looked longingly at his precious Randy. He gently pulled his hand away from Tom's and held his arms out. Tom released Randy and he ran to Todd. Todd held Randy in his arms. He buried his face in Randy's soft fur. "I'm so happy you came back to me, Randy. I thought you were hit by a car or something. Don't you leave me again."

Téa and Viki wept softly as they saw Todd's empty arms cuddling the pet his mind's eye saw and his arms felt. Todd slowly rocked back and forth as he allowed himself to feel the dog's love and forgiveness. They could only imagine what it felt like to be able to hold a loved one who had died, just one more time. Viki thought of how it would feel to hold her daughter, Megan. Téa wondered how it would feel to be able to hug her mom. They were both so happy that Todd could get to experience this. Todd kissed Randy's head. "I live in a hospital now. I think you have to live with this little boy for now. He loves you very much. I can tell. Maybe I can come visit you, and you," Todd added looking at Tom. He handed Randy back to him."

"I'd like that a whole lot!" Tom exclaimed happily. He hugged Randy to him. Todd saw the huge smile on Tom's face. "Todd, I'm sorry I let our dad hurt Randy. I was supposed to be watching out for him."

Todd looked at Tom. At the mention of the words "our dad" Todd had a vivid image of both him and Tom as children, cowering in fear as Peter took his belt off. He remembered how Peter would make sure to turn it around in his hand so the buckle would be in position to do its damage. He remembered standing in the kitchen trying not to tremble. As he awaited his punishment, he suddenly saw this blond boy standing next to him. "I'll let our dad hurt me instead, Todd. You don't have to be hurt anymore," he had heard the little boy say to him.

Todd saw the little boy looked very frightened and was also trembling. "I don't want you to get hurt," Todd told him.

"It's okay. It's my job. He'll think I'm you."

Back when he was very young, Todd communicated with the other children that lived with him. He loved them and talked to them often. He was grateful to them. They helped him out in different ways. He had friends that helped when his dad took him for a bath, when he came into their room at night, when he took out his cigarette lighter, when his mom wouldn't wake up, when his grandfathers came to visit and his dad would get extra mad, when a strange man confused him by telling him he was his real daddy, when his father would lock him in a dark, rat infested storage shack, when his mother would take him into her bed and confess her pain and secrets to him and make him promises of taking him away with her and when his dad would belittle and humiliate him.

Sometime during Todd's eighth year he began to realize that not all children had all these other children living with them. He had suspected it since he started school. As he got older the walls between Todd and the alters became thicker and higher. It wasn't long before he could no longer see them and then their voices dimmed. Most of the alters couldn't understand this and were left broken hearted by the loss of Todd's friendship. It was only later on, with the help of the caretakers, that they were able to understand that Todd was just afraid.

Throughout Todd's life he was always able to hear their words occasionally, but for the most part what he heard was a jumble of voices in his head that sounded like a roaring noise. Todd would pray for just a moment of silence. Sometimes his head throbbed. Sometimes it made it difficult for him to concentrate and hear what was being said to him. The worse times were when he heard them actually saying words to him. The comfort he had once gotten from that turned to fear. Then there were Pete, Saber and Rocky. Their voices never comforted Todd. He was frightened of the anger he always heard in Pete's voice. Rocky would taunt him in a childish way and call him names. The worst was Saber. Once Saber became embittered with all in Todd's system he took every chance he could get to torture Todd in every way he could and cause Todd excruciating headaches.

Now, very slowly the walls were beginning to break down. Even though Todd didn't realize it, through therapy, having a safe place to remember and be angry in and the unconditional love being showered on him, Todd was slowly starting to feel safe and learning to trust. He was not only learning to trust the staff to keep him safe, he was also learning to trust that those he loved would not abandon him no matter what happened and when the memories of what was done to him came back.

Todd also had recently had brief moments of being able to feel in the real world the kind of love he felt in Goodone's arms. He felt it in Viki and Sam's arms, most of all he felt it in Téa's. Both Todd and Téa felt it. Both had always felt outside the world, looking in. With each other they felt a part of something outside themselves. They held up a magic mirror to each other that reflected not what they both showed the world, but the Todd and Téa that lived inside each of them. >

This was particularly true for Todd. Todd hated himself with a passion. When he looked in the eyes of most people, he saw his own vision of himself reflected back. It was the vision his father had ingrained in his brain. He saw a monster. He saw garbage. He saw a loser. When he looked into Téa's eyes he could sometimes see his soul reflected back and inside it was the person Todd desperately wanted to be. More than see, he could feel that maybe there was some good in him. Sam, Viki, and most of all Téa saw the Todd he longed to be.

The person Téa saw also made Todd feel afraid. This Todd was foreign to him. As much as he hated the person he was, he was used to being him. He knew how to be this person. There was a certain comfort in it. Todd wanted to be the kind of man Téa reflected back to him every time he looked in her eyes. Téa had always seen what kind of person Todd wanted to be, not what kind of person he acted like. This gave Todd hope and inspired him to want change. What he saw in Téa's eyes also frightened him terribly. He tried to change for Téa because he loved her, but also because that's what he wanted for himself. Todd was terrified to try to be the man Téa saw. He was afraid he'd fail dismally and everyone would be disappointed in him and leave him. Not only did Todd believe his mother left because he had been bad and failed her in some way, but any failure, a bad grade, dropping a ball, not winning a game, not getting a math problem right, anything, led to Peter humiliating Todd. The abuse would almost always start out as verbal abuse and quickly escalate to physical abuse and sometimes torture and sexual abuse. Todd learned even before he could walk that there was a severe price for failure. It was so much safer to stay as he was. Now, along with the walls between him and his alters breaking down, the walls between him and Téa were crumbling and Todd was scared to death. Not only didn't he trust himself to become the Todd he wanted to be. He didn't trust himself not to hurt Téa. He didn't trust himself not to hurt Starr, Sam, Viki, Randy, or this child he saw.

Todd let go of Tom's hand and clutched Randy tightly to him. "I-I-I r-remember you. You were the little boy who came to help me when dad took me to the kitchen. You said you'd let him hurt you instead of me," Todd stared at Tom.

Tom looked at Todd. His eyes welled with tears. "He hurt you real bad. You couldn't take it no more. So I took it for you."

"What do you mean? How could you have taken it for me? How could he think you were me?" Todd was feeling more confused and frightened by the second.

"He couldn’t tell us apart. Nobody could, not our dad or our mom. Not the teachers in school or the other kids. Not even Grandpa Tom or Ed."

Todd began to tremble. "Why do you keep saying our? Our dad . . . our mom . . . they were my mom and dad."

The anxiety in Todd's voice was frightening Tom. "Don't be mad at me. Please!" Tom pleaded. "I don't like it when anyone is mad at me." Tom started to cry.

"No, don't cry. I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you." Now tears began to slide down Todd's cheeks. Susannah motioned for everyone to keep quiet and let Tom and Todd work this out.

"I don't know why they didn't know I was you. Maybe because I pretended real hard to be you," Tom theorized in his seven-year-old fashion.

Todd shuddered. "He hurt you bad too, didn't he?"

Tom nodded as some more tears fell. "I'm real scared of him. He hates me. He thinks I'm stupid and ugly and clumsy and bad and a loser. He hates me cause I make him punish me. I try to be good, but everything I do comes out bad. I make trouble for him at work and make the weather bad. I make mama drink the booze stuff. I drop the ball all the time when we play sports. I spill my food. I cry when I'm not supposed to and I don't cry when I'm supposed to. I don't do good at school. I like to draw and paint like girl. I'm just real bad all the time. I make him hurt us worse. I made him hurt Randy. But Randy came back. Maybe mama will come back too? I'm scared of him because I can't tell when he's dead or not and sometimes he comes back and it still hurts."

Todd sat there stunned as he listened to Tom. He knew this child was saying so much of what he felt, but couldn't say. Flashes of Peter punishing him for many of the discretions that Tom mentioned came back to him.

"You took all of that for me?" Todd asked incredulously.

Tom looked into Todd's eyes with his wide innocent ones. He nodded.

Todd's hand trembled as he reached out and stroked Tom's hair. He pulled Tom to him and held him tightly, with Randy close to both their hearts. Todd felt Tom's little arms around his neck. He felt the child's small body next to him. He continued to hug him. "I'm sorry you got hurt. I never meant for you to get hurt. I'm scared of him too. Sometimes it feels like he's there. I want mama to come back too. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you got hurt too," Todd whispered to Tom.

Viki and Téa wept as Todd had his arms wrapped tightly around himself and rocked back and forth. They realized he was comforting Tom and thus learning to comfort and sooth himself.

Tom reached out and touched Todd's cheek. "We don't have to be so scared anymore. We have lots of people who love us now. We have Viki and Sam and Doctor Hanen and Frank and . . . " Tom listed the entire staff, then he added "and Téa loves us a whole bunch. Téa draws with me and she brings me presents and she plays Cinderella with me and she skates with me. Maybe next time you can play with us too?" Tom suggested innocently.

"Play with Téa?" Todd seemed confused. Then the realization hit him. "You're one those people who run around in my head. I'm seeing you and hearing you. I must be even crazier than I thought. Oh God! Do I pretend to be you when I'm with Téa? Or are you me? You make me look like a fool in front of her! She knows I'm crazy. Oh God! It's true. It's not a bad dream. Téa was here. I hurt her. I raped her. Were you there? Did you see it? Did you see me hurt her? No, you couldn't. You're not real. I'm crazy."

Tom became terrified and confused. He was also deeply hurt. "I am too real! I didn't hurt Téa. Téa said she loves me. I didn't let anyone hurt Téa. I let our dad hurt mama. Is that why you hate me?" Tom wept. "No! You're not real! Leave me alone! Go away! Go away! No place is safe. No one is safe from me. I'm crazy! Everyone will only be safe if I'm dead. If you're a part of me than Téa's not safe around you either. She can't ever come near me again. Not me . . . not you . . . not anyone else who's running around in my head," Todd cried out.

"Nooooo! Todd I love Téa. I wanna see her," Tom was horrified at the thought of never seeing Téa again.

Todd squeezed his eyes shut and covered his ears. "You just get away! You get away from me!"

Just as Susannah and her staff were approaching Todd to try to calm both him and Tom, Tom bolted. "You hate me! Now Téa hates me! I didn't let Téa get hurt. I love Téa. I love you. Now you both hate me! Everybody hates me now!"

Téa jumped up and ran after him. "Téa no!" Susannah called after her. Susannah, the staff and Viki ran after Téa.

Tom and then Téa had run out so quickly and suddenly, they didn't have a chance to stop them.

Kevin and Sam were startled out of their thoughts. They both stood up when they saw Tom run out of the dayroom with Téa following him. Both Sam and Kevin stood frozen. Neither knew if they should interfere.

Téa caught up with Tom. She grabbed his arm. "Tom, I love you. Mijo, please. Stop running from me. I love you. I'm not angry with you."

"Yes you are! You hate me. Todd said I let you get hurt. I don't remember. I must have. Todd said I let you get hurt! I hate me!"

"No, Mijo listen to me. Todd is confused. His memories are mixed up with other things. You didn't let me get hurt. I don't hate you. I love you very much."

"Todd wants me to go away. He said he won't let me see you anymore. He hates me because I let mama get hurt. Everybody hates me now!"

Téa placed her hand on his other arm. She turned him until he was facing her. Téa pulled Tom into a hug. She held him close. "Tom! Listen to me! I love you. I will not stop coming to see you! Mijo please calm down. No one hates you. I won't leave you." Téa hugged him tightly. "I love you."

Tom seemed to be calming. Susannah held her hand up to let the others know to hold off for now.

Téa continued to hug Tom. "No, mijo. I'll never leave you. I love you so much. Shhhh." Téa heard him gasp. "Delgado! Oh God!" Todd couldn't take anymore. He tried to pull away. Téa continued to hold on to him tightly.

"Todd you need to listen to me. You did not rape me. You did not hurt me in any way!"

"Leave me alone! Get away from me Delgado. I'm cursed! I'm poison. I'm crazy! I have people running around in my head so bad I see them and hear them. You spend time with me while I can't remember. They make a fool out of me in front of you and you let them! I can't stand it that you're with me when I can't remember! You think I'm too crazy to hear the truth. You know I hurt you and you won't tell me. Let go!"

"Todd, you listen to me. You felt my love. You know how much I love you! Let yourself remember what it felt like when you let me hold you. You felt my love!" Téa did not want him to lose the feelings he had just a short time ago.

"No! I can't let you love me. I'll destroy you. "Let go! LET GO!" Todd pulled way from Téa with all his might and with such force that Téa fell backward. Her head hit the floor with a thud. For a second everyone stood stunned. Téa lay still on the floor. She wasn't moving.

"Todd! What the hell did you do!" Kevin cried out and headed for Téa.

Todd felt Téa falling away he had tried to grab in her direction to stop her fall. Like the others Todd heard Téa's head hit the floor. Todd dove down and felt for Téa. "DELGADO!" Todd screamed.

"Todd, Kevin! Don't touch her. Don't lift her," Susannah called out to them as Dave quickly grabbed Todd from behind. Angelo, Steve, Marcia, Don, Carl and Mark joined him in the restraint.

Susannah and three nurses rushed over to Téa. Viki, Kevin and Sam stood frozen.

Téa lay still. She didn't even appear to be breathing.

Todd was beyond hearing the words the staff was tying to calm him with. He just kept struggling to get free and kept screaming, "DELGADO!"

TO BE CONTINUED