*****

"LET GO OF ME! DELGADO! ARE YOU OKAY? ANSWER ME! DELGADO! WHAT I DO TO HER! WHY WON'T SHE ANSWER ME? LET GO! I HAVE TO GO TO HER! DELGADO!"

"Todd you need to calm down. You have to show us you can stay safe and calm before we can let you go." Dave's voice was calm, yet firm.

"YOU LET ME GO TO HER. SHE'S MY WIFE! WHY WON'T SHE ANSWER ME? OH GOD! I KILLED HER! SHE'S DEAD! YOU WON'T TELL ME! SHE'S DEAD! DELGAAAADOOOOO!"

A code had been called and staff from nearby units rushed in. They needed more hands to keep Todd in the physical restraint. Adrenaline and the need to get to Téa gave Todd more strength than they had thought possible given his physical condition. Once the additional staff was in place Marcia rushed to get a sedative for Todd.

Susannah, Nancy, Connie and Gwen had rushed over to Téa. Viki, Sam and Kevin stood between where Téa lay on the floor and where Todd was being held on the floor. They were all in shock and stood by silently, not knowing what to do.

Susannah checked Téa's eyes. "Equal, but a little sluggish," Susannah commented.

"Respiration seven" Connie announced.

"Bag 'er" Susannah called out.

Connie rushed to get a Bag-Valve Mask to assist Téa's breathing.

"BP one-ten over sixty," Gwen informed Susannah.

"Heart rate sixty-five," Nancy told them.

The medical and neurology attending and some nurses from other units joined Susannah, Connie and Gwen.

Téa's blouse and bra were cut away so the leads from a cardiac monitor could be attached to her. Out of respect for Téa, Sam and Kevin walked away when they realized what was going to happen. Viki headed for Todd.

Two nurses from a nearby unit worked the Bag-Valve Mask. One held it tightly against Téa's face, over her mouth and nose, while the second nurse squeezed the bag.

Doctor Goldman, the attending from medical took over. "Start normal saline," he ordered.

"Call ER and tell them we're bringing her down," Susannah directed.

"DELGADO! OH GOD! TELL ME WHAT'S HAPPENING," Todd screamed when he heard what was going on.

"She needs to be collared and boarded," Doctor Peters, the attending neurologist, called out.

"NO! DON'T DRUG ME! PLEASE! VIKI! DON'T LET THEM DRUG ME! PLEASE I NEED TO GET TO DELGADO. PLEASE!" Todd shrieked when he felt them tugging his pants down.

"Please give him a little longer to calm on his own," Viki pleaded as she rushed to Todd.

"Todd, you are not showing us that you can calm down on your own," Dave said firmly.

Todd tried to remember the way Susannah taught him to breathe. He stopped struggling with them. "Please help me. I can't do the breathing thing. Please! I'm trying. Don't drug me! Let me get to Delgado. Please!"

"All right Todd. Shhhh. Okay," Dave soothed. Marcia held back on the sedation. "Todd if I let go of your right arm will you be able to stay safe?" Dave asked.

"Yes," Todd cried.

"Okay. Todd, I'm going to place your right hand on my diaphragm. I want you to try to copy my breathing," Dave instructed.

"Viki, what's wrong with Delgado? Is she dead? Did I kill her?" Tears poured down Todd's cheeks.

Dave felt Todd's muscles tensing up again. "Todd you need to continue to calm down and then we'll talk about Téa. She's not dead. She's unconscious. She has a lot of doctors and nurses helping her."

"Ohhhh! You're lying to me. I killed Delgado and you won't tell me. Please let me go to her. Viki, make them let me go to her," Todd begged.

Viki knelt near Todd. "Sweetheart, listen to Dave. Téa isn't dead. She hit her head and she's unconscious. They're going to take her to the ER."

"Viki and Dave are telling you the truth, Boomer. Téa's not dead. She's just knocked out. Remember you once got hit on the head in that game against RFK High? You were out for a while." Sam tried to comfort Todd. Sam felt sudden anger at himself when he realized he had forgotten all about that incident until now. He was kicking himself for not mentioning it when Todd first became epileptic and they needed to know about any previous head injuries.

Todd did remember that. Then he started to panic again. "No! You and Viki won't tell me if I killed Téa. You don't want to upset me." Todd was trembling with fear. "Kevin! I heard Kevin's voice. Is Kevin here? I wanna talk to Kevin. KEVIN!"

Kevin was shocked. He just stood still for a moment. He didn't even remember calling out and letting Todd know he was there. He didn't know what to do. Kevin looked toward Susannah. She was helping with Téa. Right now Téa needed the experience Susannah gained working in the ER more than Todd needed her psychiatric expertise. Kevin looked toward Dave, Carl, Don and the rest of the staff he was familiar with. They motioned him over.

"Todd, I'm here. It's Kevin."

Todd recognized Kevin's voice. "Kevin, you hate me. Right! Tell me! You still hate me, right! You won't lie to me to protect me?"

Kevin instinctually knew what Todd needed to hear. "Yeah, I still hate you." The gentleness and caring in Kevin's voice belied his words.

"Then you tell me! You tell me the truth. Is Delgado dead?"

"No. She's unconscious," Kevin stated gently.

Todd's breathing slowed a little. His muscles relaxed slightly. "Is she hurt bad?" Todd asked. His voice was shaking.

"I don't think they know yet. They're taking her to the ER to find out." Kevin was straight with Todd.

"I hurt her! I heard you, Kevin! I did this to her didn't I?"

"Todd, I don't even remember what I said, but if I let you think you did this to Téa I didn't mean to. You didn't push her. She fell. She lost her balance and fell. I saw what happened."

Viki saw that they had gotten a cervical collar around Téa's neck. She had been rolled onto a board. Her body was strapped to it and her head was securely taped down to stabilize and prevent any further damage. They were moving her, board and all, onto a gurney. They were still holding the Bag-Valve Mask on Téa's face. Viki shuddered. She knew Téa was still not breathing adequately on her own. She was scared to death for the young woman she had grown to love.

"They're taking Téa to the ER now," Viki gently informed Todd.

"I wanna to go with her. Please! Let me go with her!" Todd pleaded.

More medical staff had come to assist. Susannah headed for Todd. She heard his request.

"Todd, I'm sorry. You can't leave the unit. Honey, you are not stable enough for that. Téa has a lot of people helping her."

More tears fell down Todd's cheeks. He hated himself. "Oh God! I'm so crazy that I can't even help my own wife! I'm useless. Please! I'll be good I promise! I'll stay calm. Please! I don't want her to be all alone! Please! Let me go with Delgado."

Todd's pleas broke their hearts, but they knew that Todd could escalate or switch at any moment. They hated to, but they had to say no.

"VIKI! VIKI! Where are you?" Todd cried out.

"I'm right here, Todd. Baby I'm right here." Viki took his hand. Todd was till being held. The staff was holding him gently so that he could move slightly, but they were ready in case he escalated again.

"Viki, you go be with Delgado. Please! She has no one. Her mom is dead. Please! I don't want her to be all alone. You go be with her Viki!"

Viki was torn. She loved Téa and she loved Todd. She knew that Téa was unconscious and Todd was in bad shape and might need her. Then Viki realized something. Todd had not dissociated. He was staying Todd and in some ways he was acting like any other husband would be acting under the circumstances. He was handling this in a mature manner and he was thinking rationally and cohesively for the most part.

Viki looked to Susannah. Susannah nodded. She knew that right now Todd needed Viki to be with Téa more than he needed her to be with him. Susannah was not as surprised as Viki, Kevin and Sam that Todd was staying Todd. She remembered Rodd once telling her that during the time Starr was sick Todd held on and he didn't go inside. His daughter needed him and he was able to unconsciously put his own needs for Goodone aside. Susannah knew that the stress from that time probably later came back to haunt Todd and perhaps contributed to his decompensation. The fact still remained when Todd's loved ones needed him, he was there for them. Certainly a few months ago, possibly even a few weeks ago, as much as he might have wanted to, Todd would not have been able to stay Todd. Susannah realized that despite all that had happened in recent days, Todd was making good progress.

"Viki please! Don't let Delgado be alone. I remember what it's like to wake up in the hospital and be alone. After that cop shot me I woke up and I had no one. I heard the visitors going to other rooms and I knew that they had people coming to see them because they were worth caring about and I wasn't. I don't want Delgado to think that she isn't worth caring about. Next to Shorty she is the most worth caring about in the whole world. Please Viki! Go to the ER and be with her!"

"Yes, sweetheart. I will. Of course I will. I love Téa. I love Téa very much. I'm going right now." Viki stroked Todd's head and rushed off to be with Téa.

"Okay, okay," Todd whispered to himself. "Delgado has someone who loves her with her. Viki can be like her mom. Delgado needs that. She needs a mom."

"Todd, you don't have to worry. Mom really does love Téa a lot. She'll be there like a mom for her," Kevin tried to reassure Todd.

Todd took more comfort hearing these things from Kevin than from anyone else. He knew trying to make him feel better about himself was the last thing that Kevin would do. "Kevin, you listen to me. I want you to go to the ER. You tell me! You tell me if anything bad is happening to Delgado! You hear me! You tell me the truth, Buchanan! I'm counting on you hating my guts enough to tell me the truth!"

Kevin couldn't help but smile a small smile. Todd didn't realize it, but hearing him bark orders was like music to Kevin's ears. He never thought he'd see this much of the Todd he knew again. He knew there was something else Todd didn't realize and Kevin was not about to point it out to him now. Todd was wrong. Kevin didn't hate his guts. For the first time Kevin was sure he could see Todd and only Todd and not hate him. He admired him for the way he was handling this, first for managing to calm without medication, then for wanting to be with his wife, and mostly for sending Viki to her. Kevin realized how much Todd needed Viki with him, and still he put Téa's needs first and sent away one of the only people who made him feel safe so that Téa would feel safe and not alone.

"Sam, I want you to go be with Téa too. I want her to see a lot of people who care about her there when she wakes up."

"Boomer, it's all right. Viki and Kevin will be with Téa. I'll stay here with you." Sam didn't want Todd to be there without any family.

"No! No, Sam! I want you to be with Téa! I want her to know everyone cares about her. I don't want her to feel alone. I want you to go be with Téa!"

"All right. Shhhh. Okay, Boomer. Calm down. I'll go with Viki and Kevin. Don't worry. Téa will know how much we all care about her. She won't be alone. I promise."

"You mean it Sam? You'll really be there for her when she needs you?"

The distrust in Todd's voice cut into Sam's heart like a knife. He understood. Unconsciously and perhaps consciously, Todd knew Sam had failed him. He was not there for him when he needed him. So, why would Todd trust that he'd be there for Téa?

"I swear to you, Boomer. I won't let you down. I'll be there for Téa. When she wakes up she'll know how much she is loved and cared for."

"Okay," Todd muttered, more to himself than to Sam.

"Téa's not the only one, Boomer. You are loved and cared for too. I love you so much." Sam reached out to stroke Todd's head. Todd pulled away. Sam bit his lip to keep from crying.

Viki saw how upset Sam was. She took his hand. "He's upset," she whispered to Sam and then to Todd she said. "We're going to the ER now. Sweetheart, we'll be with Téa. Don't worry. We'll make sure she gets the best care and see us the second she wakes up."

*****

Téa was wheeled into cubicle three. Téa had now been unconscious for twelve minutes. A neurosurgeon had been called to examine her. In the meantime, the ER staff took over. They worked smoothly, as a team, each of them checking Téa out at the same time. Téa remained on the board. The cervical collar was kept in place around her neck. Her pants and underpants were cut off. A catheter was passed into her bladder so a record could be kept of her output. An oximeter, to determine the amount of oxygen in the blood, was attached to one of Téa's fingers. An indwelling catheter was placed in Téa's radial artery for continuous blood pressure monitoring. Téa's name was called loudly several times. They got no response. Téa's reflexes were normal. That was a good sign. Pressure was applied to Téa's nailbeds and she responded to the pain with some eye movement and a moan. This was also a good sign.

"Call radiology. Tell them we need a brain CT with a cervical C-spine. Do a type and cross, CBC, Chem seven, gas her and do a Beta hCG," the neurology resident ordered. Before they could take the collar off or take Téa off the board, they had to make sure she didn't suffer any spinal damage in the fall. They also needed to run these labs on Téa. As she was obviously a young woman, a pregnancy test needed to be ordered along with her blood type, blood count, blood chemistry, and arterial blood gas. "What's her GCS?" he asked. Téa had been measured for the depth of how impaired her consciousness was using the Glasgow Coma Scale. "Nine," one of the nurses answered. They knew that out of a possible score of fifteen, which would indicate the patient is fully awake and oriented, and a score of less than eight, which would indicate a person was in a coma, a score of nine was not great, but it wasn't the worst of findings either.

"I'm getting some pupillary changes. Her right pupil is five millimeters larger than the left," one of the interns stated.

"I'm getting big changes in her BP. It's one-sixty over forty," a nurse noted.

"Respirations five," another nurse called out.

Viki, Sam and Kevin made it to the cubical Téa was in just as they heard someone say, "she's bradying down, pulse forty-five."

"Tube her," the attending ordered.

They realized that Téa was seriously injured. Sam, Viki and Kevin became terrified for her. Viki grabbed hold of a doctor. "What are they doing to her?"

"Are you a relative?" the young doctor asked.

"No . . . Well, yes. She's my sister-in-law. I'm Viki Carpenter. Téa's husband is a patient on the psych unit on seven west. I'm his legal guardian. What are they doing to her?"

The doctor heard the fear in Viki's voice. He didn't yet have what it took to be comforting and yet honest and straightforward. So, he answered quickly and clinically. "They're going to intubate her."

"Is she getting worse? Did she stop breathing?" Viki was frantic.

"We won't know for sure until she has a CT scan, but she's presenting with signs of a bleed and ICP. She is breathing, but her respirations are very low. She's not keeping herself oxygenated."

Viki wished Susannah or Larry were there.

"What is ICP?" Kevin asked anxiously.

"Intercranial pressure. We suspect she has a bleed that is putting pressure on her brain. Let's go outside and talk. I need to ask you some questions."

"We want to stay with her. We want her to know we're here," Sam insisted. He wanted to do as Todd had asked. He also was genuinely concerned for Téa.

"We can't allow that. The staff has to move quickly and you'll be in the way. Right now she won't know that you're there anyway."

Viki didn't believe that for a minute. She knew Téa would know she wasn't alone if they were with her. Viki also realized that it was important to give them as much information about Téa's history as she could. "Téa, honey, it's Viki. I'm here with you. Kevin and Sam are here too. We'll be right outside," Viki called out to Téa. They all headed to a waiting area with this doctor.

The neurosurgeon arrived. He quickly caught up to speed. "We have to blow off CO2. Hyperventilate her," he ordered. Even though Téa had been oxygenated this whole time, he wanted to drive down Téa's carbon dioxide levels.

"A hundred milligrams Lidocaine IVP." The ER doctor who was performing the intubation ordered it IV push to quickly get it directly into Téa's bloodstream. She needed it to help reduce Intercranial pressure. "Twenty milligrams etomidate IV." This general anesthetic was chosen because it had been shown to decrease Intercranial pressure. "Sux, one hundred milligrams IVP," was ordered next. They had to paralyze Téa's muscles with Succinylcholine before they put the endotracheal tube in.

Two nurses kept working the Bag-Valve Mask. Once the paralytic agent took, Téa was incapable of breathing on her own at all. "Apply cricoid pressure," was next called out. Pressure needed to be applied to Téa's cricoid cartilage to protect against regurgitation of gastric contents and to ensure correct placement of the endotracheal tube in the tracheal orifice. With her thumb and index finger, another resident applied the needed pressure to Téa's cricoid cartilage to occlude her esophagus until intubation was successfully completed.

"Give me a size seven tube," the ER doctor directed. Téa's jaw relaxed and her resistance to manual ventilations decreased. The Succinylcholine had taken effect fully.

"She's ready," a nurse called out to the doctor holding the ET tube.

The ET tube was put in. Cricoid pressure was continued as the tube was placed. "Got it! Let's get the doohickey on and we'll see if we're in business." An end-tidal CO2 detector was placed on the adapter end of endotracheal tube. The BVM was attached to open end of detector and Téa was ventilated several times. The ET CO2 detector turned purple and successful placement was confirmed. The cuff on the ET tube was inflated as they continued to ventilate Téa with 100 percent oxygen via the BVM. The cricoid pressure was released. The ET tube was secured in place with tape. They listened to Téa's lungs. Everything checked out.

"Radiology's ready for her," an intern called out. Because of the nature of her injury, Téa had gotten priority for the CT scans.

"Let's move," the neurosurgeon declared. They continued to manually ventilate Téa as several doctors and nurses wheeled her to radiology.

Kevin, Sam and Viki all realized how little they knew about Téa's life as they had tried to answer the doctor's questions. They could tell the doctor how old she was and that they were sure she was not pregnant. They had no idea of her medical history other than the fall she had taken when Blair pushed her out the window. "Kevin," Viki turned to her son. "Call Carlotta. She needs to know. She might know how to get in touch with Téa's brother Del or some of her other brothers or her grandmother. They'd know her medical history."

Kevin started to take out his cell phone. "You can't use that in here," the young doctor cautioned him.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I forgot." Kevin was not thinking straight. "Mom, I'll go use the pay phone. I'll be right back."

Before Kevin had a chance to stand up, they wheeled Téa out. He, Sam and Viki jumped up when they saw her. Kevin winced when he saw all the lines and tubes that were attached to her and saw that she still not able to breathe adequately on her own.

"Where are you taking her?" Sam asked.

"To CT scan," a nurse answered as they quickly whisked Téa away.

Viki rushed after them. "Téa, Todd loves you so much. Honey. You’re not alone. I love you. You are very much loved," Viki called to the sister-in-law she'd grown to think of more as a daughter or younger sister. Viki hoped that somehow Téa was able to know she wasn't alone.

"Is she going to be okay?" Kevin asked the doctor who had been asking about Téa's history.

"I can't really answer that at this time," the young doctor answered.

"Sweetie, you'd better go call Carlotta," Viki reminded Kevin.

"Okay," Kevin replied. He headed for the pay phones.

Viki sat back down. She fell into Sam's arms and began to weep. "That poor child. She loves Todd so much. She was only trying to help him. Dear Lord! She can't die!"

Sam didn't know what to say. His brain felt fuzzy. His thoughts were disorganized. His concern was more for Todd. He knew if anything happened to Téa it would destroy Todd. He'd never forgive himself. Sam put his arms around Viki and held her tightly. Physical comfort was all he could give her right now.

*****

Todd was still managing to hold himself together, at least to the point where they didn't feel they had to restrain or sedate him. They had helped Todd to a chair in the dayroom. Susannah sat in a chair across from him. Dave sat on one side of him and Carl on the other. Todd's was holding his arms around himself and rocking back and forth. It was apparent that he was struggling with all his might to stay calm and to stay Todd. He was literally holding himself together in a self-soothing attempt.

"Why don't they call? Why don't they let us know how Delgado is doing?" Todd asked. His voice was barely above a whisper.

"Todd," Susannah began gently, "it's too soon. They need time to examine her. She may need some tests. I know waiting is difficult and you're frightened. Would you like some medication to help you feel less anxious?"

"No drugs! You said if I stayed calm you wouldn't drug me. You promised!"

"Shhhh, relax. You're not going to be forced. As long as you are able to stay calm, on your own, you don't have to take any medication. Todd, can you tell me what you remember about Téa falling and what happened right before she fell?"

"I don't remember all of it. That little boy was with me . . . Randy . . . Randy was here . . . I . . . I think." Todd thought about it for another few moments. "That little boy . . . He's one of them isn't he?" Todd whispered.

"One of whom?" Susannah wanted Todd to be able to say it.

Todd's hold on himself tightened. His rocking increased. The expression on his face was pained. "One of those people who run around in my head." Todd's voice was almost inaudible.

"Yes. Tom is one of your alters," Susannah confirmed. Todd began to tremble.

"Todd, I know you're afraid. Honey, your being able to see and hear Tom is a good thing."

"A good thing!" Todd was shocked. "It means I'm even crazier than I thought!"

"No, you need to be able to communicate with your alters. Once you can do that you will be able to start learning how to control them," Susannah explained.

"I don't want to learn how to control them. Just make them go away!"

"Honey, I'm afraid it doesn't work that way," Susannah gently informed him.

"Viki had people running around in her head and they just went away."

"No. Viki had a lot of therapy and worked very hard to learn to control her alters. They didn't just go away. They became a part of her. When she was able to face the traumas that they saved her and protected her from she no longer needed them to function as a separate part of her and she was able to be integrated."

Todd didn't respond. He sat quietly. Even so, Susannah was encouraged. This was the most he had been willing and able to talk about his alters.

Todd finally spoke. "It's because I have these people running around in my head that Delgado got hurt. I was yelling at that little boy and the next thing I remember is Téa holding on to me. I couldn't face her. I didn't mean to hurt her. I just wanted to get away. Oh God!" Tears started falling down Todd's cheeks. "I always hurt her. I never mean to, but I always do, or she gets hurt on count of me. She almost got killed helping me keep Starr. I had a bad dream and she woke me up and she got knocked down. Her face got hurt. I'm poison! I destroy everyone I care about. I destroy them or make them leave. Delgado should have left me. She should have. I killed her! Oh God! She's dead isn't she?"

"No, Todd I promise. If anything happens to Tea, we'll tell you the truth."

Todd took little comfort in Susannah's promise. "Please let me go see Delgado. I've been good. I've stayed safe. Please! I did this to her. I want to tell her I didn't mean it. I want her to know I didn't want to hurt her. I want her to know I lo . . ."

"You want her to know you love her." Susannah prompted.

"No! Don't say it! She'll die if I love her. My love is a curse! It makes everyone leave or die."

"Do you think Téa believes your love is a curse?" Susannah posed.

"She's lying in some emergency room with her head all banged up. Whata you think!"

"I don't think Téa blames you for what happened. You didn't push her. She fell," Susannah pointed out.

"I was right! I told all of you I didn't want Téa coming around here. I knew I'd end up hurting her. I told you! I remember. I told you to keep Téa and Starr away from me! You told me those kids wanted to see her and she wanted to see them. I never should have listened. You let them make a fool out of me in front of her."

"You never act foolish in front of Téa. Téa loves Tom and Timmy very much. They are a very good and loving part of you," Susannah gently informed him.

Todd shuddered. "I don't want to talk about them anymore!" Todd started to stand up.

"Todd, where do you want to go?" Dave asked gently.

"I need to move around. Please! I can't sit still any more."

"Todd, you can't walk by yourself," Dave pointed out. "I'll walk with you."

"I hate this!" Todd protested. They heard the frustration in his voice. "I want to walk by myself. I want to be alone! I'm a human being! Sometimes I just want to be alone!"

"Todd, if you walk by yourself you can get hurt," Susannah gently reminded him. Susannah realized that Todd's need to punish himself and protect himself from what may have been the most traumatic event in his life by staying blind was still strong. She hoped that his growing need for independence and what she believed to finally be the right combination of medications was making some difference. Todd's depression was starting to lift. His thinking was becoming more organized. His anxiety was decreasing slightly. He was gaining better control of himself. Unfortunately, the switching had not slowed down much, but Todd was able to keep from dissociating for longer periods of time, so even that was progress. "Todd do you remember Ryan Morgan?" Susannah asked.

Todd thought for a few seconds. Then it came to him. "He's the guy who teaches people how to be blind."

Susannah smiled. "Yes, he a therapist who works with the blind. Todd, would you be willing to have some sessions with Ryan?"

Todd didn't immediately say no. That encouraged Susannah. "I hated having blind lessons," Todd quipped.

"Can you tell me why you hated them?" Susannah pressed.

Todd thought back. He couldn't remember. "I just did!"

"Do you like not being able to walk around by yourself and having to depend on someone to hold your arm?" Susannah pushed.

"No! I hate it! I hate all of it. I hate being helped getting dressed and helped going to the bathroom. I hate not knowing who's in the room with me and not knowing if they're staring at me. I hate not being able to look out the window. It's all I'll ever see of the world from now on. I'm going to be here for the rest of my life!"

"First of all, you are not going to be here for the rest of your life. You've been making some excellent progress," Susannah assured him. She then redirected him back to the subject of working with Ryan. "If you hate all of that as much as say you do than I would think you'd want to do something about it."

"You're trying to trick me!" Todd snapped angrily.

"No, no tricks. If you want to be able to get around without assistance than you have to learn how. It's as simple as that."

"Simple for you! You can see. What if I can't do it? What if I fail those stupid blind lessons?"

"You did very well on the one session you had with Ryan. He told me you caught on faster than anyone he'd ever worked with," Susannah stated.

'I'll bet if I could see they'd let me go to Delgado,' Todd thought to himself. "I don't know," Todd whispered.

"Can you tell me what concerns you the most about having more sessions with Ryan?" Susannah pushed.

"I'm no good at any kind of lessons. I was stupid in school. I even failed dumbbell English. If I don't do good everyone will hate me. They'll be ashamed of me. They'll be sorry I ever came into their life."

"Todd, these sessions aren't school. You can't fail them. Ryan is a very nice and a very patient man. No one will get angry with you or be disappointed in you if you make a mistake. You can take as long as you need to learn things and Ryan will go over things as often as needed."

Todd thought about what Susannah said, again. They all realized that the only reason Todd was allowing all these thoughts about his alters and about allowing more therapy with Ryan was because his mind was protecting him from thinking about Téa. Todd's unconscious knew if he kept thinking about what might be happening to her he would not be able to hold it together. He was thinking about things that frightened and embarrassed him. They made him feel anxious. They triggered feelings that were strong. They kept him from thinking too much about something that terrified him more than being mentally ill and more than having sessions with Ryan. They kept him from thinking about losing Téa. They also hoped that because Todd was getting stronger and learning to trust more he was beginning to feel safe enough to want to learn more about his illness and learn how to cope with is loss of vision. 'Perhaps,' Susannah theorized to herself, 'if he is able to give up some of the suffering being blind is causing him, he is getting closer to giving up being blind.'

"I remember now! That Ryan guy wanted me to walk with a cane. Would he still try to make me do that?" Todd asked when some more memories of his session with Ryan came back him.

"Todd, there are only a few ways someone without vision can learn to get around. Those who don't use a cane use either a Seeing Eye dog or a human guide. Since you don't want to be dependent on someone always having to hold your arm that only leaves a dog or a cane," Susannah explained.

"No dog! I don't want a dog. I don't want to love another dog. Dogs get hurt and they die! No dog!"

"Take it easy, buddy. No one is going to force you to get a dog. It's okay," Carl assured him.

Todd calmed down. He thought for another few seconds.

"Everyone will laugh at me if I walk around with a cane. My dad laughed at me last time. He'll laugh at me again. He'll hate me even more than he already hates me."

"Honey. Your dad is dead." Susannah presented the reality of the situation to Todd.

For a moment Todd looked confused. Then he nodded. "My dad is dead," he repeated.

"Yes, he can never laugh at you or make fun of you again. No one here will ever make fun of you. We were all very proud of the way you handled your last session with Ryan. As I told you, you did very well," Susannah reminded him.

"Yeah, okay. But if I still hate blind lessons after another sessions you promise you'll let me stop?"