Before they could stop her, Téa bolted for Todd's room.

*****

Sam jumped up and started to head for Todd's room when he heard his screams. He suddenly stopped dead in his tracks. 'I'll just make him feel worse,' Sam thought and sat back down.

"What's happening! What's wrong with Todd? Did you see that! Téa just ran in there. Why was she allowed to go in there when he's so upset? She'll hurt him. She'll make it worse. Go get her! Why are you standing here? Go get her!" Blair cried out to the staff when she saw Téa dash for Todd's room when she heard him scream her name.

"Susannah, Frank and Steve are in with Todd. They will get Téa to leave if it becomes necessary," Nancy assured Blair and Dorian.

"Surely this unit isn't kept safe if anyone who wants to is allowed access to Todd's room. My goodness! Some manic can run in there and do God knows what to that poor sick boy," Dorian threw in her two cents.

"Mrs. Hayes. I assure Todd is safe here. If Téa's visit is harmful in any way she will be made to leave," Nancy stated firmly and headed back to the nurses station. She was on guard in case a code was called.

Blair ran to where Sam sat with his arm resting on his knee. His hand covered his eyes as he listened to Todd's screams. Sam thought of how many silent screams he never picked up on.

"Sam! Do something! They let Téa in to see Todd. She'll hurt him. Do something! Stop her! Why are you just sitting there? They'll listen to you. You're practically Todd's guardian."

"I just make it worse for him Blair. I'm the one who's hurting him. I'm the one he cringes from. The last thing Todd needs right now is me in that room."

Blair couldn't believe her ears. "Sam! This is no time for you to fall apart! Todd needs you. Go help him!"

Sam sat still for a minute and then nodded. He got up and started for Todd's room.

"Sam, please wait out here. Susannah will call you if Todd needs you to be with him," Mark stated firmly.

Sam didn't protest. He sat back down without saying a word. A part of him felt relieved that he was being kept from Todd.

"You let that whore he's married to go in there, but not Sam! Sam is practically Todd's father! What the hell is wrong with you people! I'm going in there!" Blair declared in no uncertain terms.

Nancy came out from behind the nurses counter again. Eileen and Mark came around to block Blair as well.

Dorian took Blair's arm. "Blair, honey, let's sit down. They will let you know if Todd needs you."

"Dorian! Todd needs me now! He needs someone to protect him."

Dorian cast Blair a warning look and tilted her head toward the staff. She knew by their show of force that Blair would be asked to leave, if not made to leave, if she took another step toward Todd's room.

"Let Téa be the one on record for forcing her way into Todd's room against orders," Dorian whispered through clenched teeth.

Blair took a deep breath and nodded.

"We're fine. Blair just got a little upset. We'll be right over here if anyone needs us," Dorian pointed to the area where Sam was sitting.

Feeling assured that Blair was under control the staff moved away. They were all still on the ready in case they were needed.

"SHE KNOWS! SHE WAS THERE! I REMEMBER SHE WAS THERE! DELGADO HEARD EVERYTHING! SHE HATES ME! I'M DISGUSTING TO HER! SHE AND KEVIN ARE LAUGHING AT ME! I HEARD THEM. HE TOLD ME TO LISTEN AND I HEARD THEM! OH GOD! OH GOOOOOOOD!"

Susannah was about to say something when Téa ran into the room with Terry, who had run after her, following close behind.

"Todd, I'm here! I heard you calling me. I'm here. It's all right."

Todd froze at the sound of Téa's voice.

"Delgado," Todd whispered, more to himself than to Téa.

"Téa, you need to leave this room right now," Susannah stated firmly.

"Come on Téa, let's go outside," Terry spoke gently, but just as firmly as Susannah.

"No! Let her stay!" Todd demanded.

"You want to speak with Téa," Susannah asked to make sure.

Todd threw the covers off of himself. He sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. Téa stood frozen to the spot. She didn't know if she should say anymore.

"Where do you want to go Todd?" Frank asked.

"Over to Delgado," Todd answered quietly.

Frank looked toward Susannah. She hesitated for a second and then nodded.

"I'll help you Todd. Why don't you take my arm and I'll get you over to Téa," Frank instructed.

Téa was about to move closer to Todd when Susannah motioned for her not to. Téa stood still.

Todd allowed Frank to assist him. It didn't matter anymore. In his mind his dignity was long gone.

Frank stopped walking when Todd stood directly in front of Téa.

"Querido, tell me. What is it? What's wrong?" Téa asked tenderly.

"Why are you here?"

"I was outside and I heard you call my name." Téa sensed that Todd was hanging on by a thread. She tried to keep her voice calm, while inside of her the panic was building.

"Not that." Todd's jaw was set tightly. "Why were you here! In the hospital?"

"I was here to see you." Téa was afraid to mention Adam. She didn't know if Todd had been told. There had been no time for Nancy to tell her any of what had happened since Todd came out.

"DON'T LIE TO ME DELGADO!"

"Todd, I'm not lying to you. I love spending time with you." Téa had never meant anything more in her life.

"You love spending time with me," Todd repeated. "I never knew you were into freak shows, Delgado."

"Todd, please. Don't say that. I love you. I'm happiest when I'm with you. I . . ."

"LIAR! LIAR!" Todd screamed, cutting Téa off.

"Todd, how about I walk you to the chair and you and Téa can sit down and talk about what's bothering you?" Frank suggested.

Todd ignored him. He moved closer to Téa until she could feel his breath on her.

"Todd, you need to move away from Téa," Susannah spoke firmly.

"Do you want me to move away from you Delgado? Is that what you want! It is isn't it? Oh you lie to me. You lie to me Téa." Todd was beginning to tremble.

"Todd! You need to move away from Téa right now!" Frank instructed in a no-nonsense tone.

"No, it's all right. He doesn't have to move away from me. I'm not afraid of him," Téa declared.

Susannah and her staff were not comfortable with Todd standing so close to Téa. However, they allowed Téa to make the call. Given Todd's condition there was not much chance he could hurt her.

"No, you're not afraid of me. No one's afraid of a joke. I know, Delgado! I know. I KNOW!" Todd's voice rose again.

"Todd, please! I don't know what you're talking about. Tell me what you know," Téa prompted.

"Do you get some kind of sick kick out of seeing me? Is that what it is? Like the people who like to look at two headed cows. Do you come here so you can compare notes with Kevin to see which one of you has the most disgusting Todd story of the day? I'M NOT THAT STUPID DELGADO! I NOW ABOUT YOU AND KEVIN! I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING AT ME! I KNOW! I KNOW!"

'Oh my God! Did Blair say something to him? Did she poison him with her lies?' Téa wondered.

Téa took a deep breath and tried to stay calm. "There is nothing going on between Kevin and me. I swear that to you. I'm not laughing at you. Neither is Kevin. No one is laughing at you. I swear that to you too, querido."

"DON'T LIE TO ME, DELGADO! DON'T YOU LIE TO ME! EVERYONE LIES TO ME. YOU ALL THINK I'M SO STUPID! YOU KNOW WHAT I DID! YOU KNOW WHAT I DID WITH MY DAD AND YOU HATE ME. YOU KNOW I'M DISGUSTING! YOU KNOW AND KEVIN KNOWS AND EVERYONE HERE KNOWS. THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS! YOU WANNA KNOW MORE! IS THAT WHY YOU'RE HERE?"

"No! I'm here because I love you. What your dad did to you wasn't your fault. It wasn't your fault, Todd! Listen to me!" Téa reached out and took him by the shoulders.

"NO! DON'T TOUCH ME! YOU CAN'T LOVE ME! YOU DON'T KNOW! I LET HIM! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT DELGADO! I LET HIM. I WANTED HIM TO HOLD ME AND TOUCH ME! I WANTED HIM TO STAY IN MY ROOM AND TALK TO ME!"

"Querido, you were just a little boy. You wanted your father's attention and love. He made you think that was the only way you could get it."

"No, you don't understand," Todd started to cry. "You don't understand, Delgado."

"Todd, help Téa to understand. Tell her what she needs to know to understand," Susannah prompted.

"Todd, please. I want to understand. Tell me. It's all right. I'll never judge you. I love you. There's nothing you can tell me that would make me stop loving you. I swear that to you on my life."

Todd was quiet for a few moments. He was holding his arms wrapped tightly around himself.

"Todd, I love you. Nothing will ever change that. No matter what you tell me. No matter what you do. I'll never leave you. I love you. I'll always love you. Please, mi amor. Help me to understand."

'Is she telling me the truth? My mom said she loved me and she didn't want me with her. Could someone like Delgado really love someone like me?' Todd thought to himself. Todd wanted to believe this more than he ever wanted to believe anything, but he was afraid to. The little boy who had once allowed himself to feel love by someone and allowed himself to trust had been damaged too severely. The ability to feel love and trust had been tortured and abandoned out of him.

"Sheeee's waiting Toooodd!" Todd jumped when the taunting singsong voice taunted him.

They all moved in closer to where Todd stood in front to Téa. They could tell he was starting to hear something.

"I can give you your answer Todd. You already know it though, don't you? Téa can't love you. No one can love you. She's making a fool out of you. Don't you notice Sam and Viki aren't here? They've given up on you. Viki's with Kevin, he's her son, her real son. Viki's proud of Kevin. Sam is proud of his son. He never wanted you in his house. He knew you deserved everything your father did to you. And you did! You know you did. You deserved it and you wanted it. Go ahead Todd. Help Téa understand. Give her some more reasons to laugh at you. Give her something good to take back to Kevin besides her cunt. Kevin's a real man. Kevin knows how to make Téa happy," Saber tormented.

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I HATE YOU!" Todd held his head and moaned. They could tell his head was hurting.

"Okay, Todd. I think it's time for Téa to leave and for you to get some rest. Frank and Steve are going to help you back to bed," Susannah informed him gently.

"Go ahead Todd. Tell her! Tell her so she can leave you forever! Send her to Kevin. You know that's where she wants to be. You little shit! You're not man enough to tell her. I'm so ashamed of you. You make me sick. You never should have been born. Look at you! You're such a fuckin' pansy, coward." Saber began to laugh loudly.

"STOP IT! STOP IT! SHUT UP! YOU WANT SOME MORE DISGUSTING TODD STORIES TO TAKE BACK TO KEVIN, DELGADO! YOU WANT TO SEE ME WITH NO DIGNITY BECAUSE I THREW YOU OUT NAKED IN THE SNOW! HERE!"

Todd ripped off the hospital gown he was wearing, tearing the ties that held it closed in the back. He stood naked before Téa.

"IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT! YOU WANT ME TO FEEL THE WAY I MADE YOU FEEL! YOU WANT TO SEE ME STRIPPED OF EVERY LAST SHRED OF DIGNITY! YOU WANT MORE PROOF THAT I'M NOT MAN ENOUGH FOR YOU? I SHIT AND PISSED ON MYSELF! IS THAT ENOUGH FOR YOU? I SUCKED MY DAD'S COCK! IS THAT ENOUGH FOR YOU! I LET HIM SUCK MINE! IS THAT ENOUGH FOR YOU!"

Todd gasped when he realized what he had just said. He stood frozen to the spot, as did Téa.

Steve had rushed to get a blanket to cover Todd with. Before he could wrap it around him, Todd's legs gave way. Steve caught him and gently lowered him to his knees. Todd sat back on his heels and buried his head in his knees. He then threw back his head and repeatedly whispered "Oh God!"

Susannah carefully approached Todd. She stood about two feet away from him. Steve and Frank stood close by as well.

Téa looked at Susannah with eyes that pleaded with her to make Todd's pain go away. Susannah motioned for her to talk to Todd.

"Todd, I need you to listen to me," Téa began gently.

Todd lifted his head. "Why are you still here, Delgado? Why do you want to see this? Is it because you hate me so much? I deserve it. I know I deserve it. Go ahead. It's okay. You can laugh at me. You can tell Kevin and Asa and Bo and everyone! I deserve it! You can leave. You can leave forever. I deserve it. My mom knew that. I hate me! I hate me!" Todd placed his head back in his lap and began to sob.

Steve gently placed the blanket over Todd's shoulders as they shook with each sob. Susannah indicated to Téa that she should hold off saying anything and wait to see if Todd calmed on his own. Susannah and her staff knew Téa didn't realize it, but Todd was handling this well. He was staying Todd and not having a flashback. No spontaneous abreaction occurred. Todd was not being flooded with raw trauma or reliving it. He seemed to be digesting the trauma he disclosed. They knew that some part of Todd sensed a safeness with Téa that he did with no one else and her presence was leading to some amazing progress.

"I'm so disgusting! I wish I was dead!" Todd cried softly to himself.

"Oh querido, don't say that. Please don't say that. I love you so much. I love you more than I ever thought I could love anyone. Don't ever make me lose you. There's not a day that goes by when I don't pray for you to get well and come home to me."

Todd was startled by Téa's voice. "Delgado? You didn't leave? You're still here?"

"I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere Todd. I love you. I told you there is nothing you can do to make me leave you. You know that. You've tried and I'm still here."

"Don't love me Delgado. I'll hurt you. I hurt everyone. Loving me is so stuuuupid. You're not stupid, so you can't love me. You're ashamed of me. I'm such a loser! I'm more disgusting than anyone, more than anyone who's ever lived. You have to hate me."

Without looking to Susannah for guidance Téa moved closer to Todd. Her instinct for knowing what Todd needed was guiding her. "I love you, Todd. I'm prouder of you than I've ever been of anyone in my life. I know you love me too. You've shown it to me in a million different ways. You honor me with your love Todd. Don't you know that? If I have to say it in your ear for the next hundred years to get you to believe me, I'll do it. No matter how hard you try, you will never get me to leave you."

Todd's face scrunched up as tears cascaded down his cheeks. Todd opened his arms and held them up in the direction of Téa's voice. He cried out, "Delgado!" The blanket fell away from him. Téa didn't even notice. She rushed to take him in her arms. Téa held Todd's naked and trembling body tightly. She slowly rocked him back and forth as the two of them sat on the floor.

Todd's sobs were gut wrenching. All he could manage to choke out every few seconds was "Delgado."

Téa continued to hold him tightly. "Shhhhh. It's going to be all right mi corazon, shhhhh. I promise you. I love you so much. I've waited so long for you to let me back into your life. Todd you're not alone anymore. You'll never be alone again." Téa allowed Steve to wrap the blanket around both her and Todd as she held Todd pressed to her own body.

Todd's tears slowed. His chest heaved as he tried to regain his breath. Todd was calming without having to be sedated. Susannah, Steve, Terry and Frank exchanged glances. They each had a small smile on their lips. They were all very proud of Todd.

Todd snuggled into Téa. Her cheek rested against the top of his head. "I can hear your heart," Todd whispered.

Téa smiled. "Can you hear how much love for you there is in there?" she whispered back.

Téa felt Todd's body tense up. "Don't put me in your heart, Delgado. I'll only give you heartache and pain. It's all I do. It's what I do to everybody. They all end up hating me and leaving. I won't be able to stand it when it happens with you. Not you, Delgado. Not you." Todd started to cry again, softly this time.

They were all amazed at the clarity of Todd's thoughts and his ability to express himself. While Susannah did think she needed to increase the dose of the antipsychotic a little, she wondered if this combination of drugs was finally the right one. She also knew that this time Téa's presence was having a calming and positive influence on Todd. Susannah was happy she listened to her instincts and allowed Téa to stay in room.

Téa noticed that even though his words were telling her not to love him, Todd was not pulling away from her. He was staying snuggled in her arms. His shivering had stopped. He had either forgotten he was naked or he didn't care at this point. "It's never going to happen with me Todd. You're stuck with me for life." Téa closed her arms tighter as they continued to encase Todd. She kissed the top of his head and then pressed her cheek into it again. Tea breathed in the smell of his hair. It was the same as she remembered. Tears welled up in her eyes. She was so happy that hadn't changed. Todd was not the only one getting comfort from snuggling in Téa's arms. Téa never thought the day would come when Todd would allow her to hold him this way and she wished she never had to let him go. Téa wanted to hold him until neither of them felt any more pain.

Todd wanted desperately to believe her. He couldn't. He had been hurt and lied to too many times. Not only by his birth and adopted parents, but also by those he had loved since, Rebecca, Blair, even Moose had left him. What made it even more difficult for Todd to believe Téa's promises of love and never leaving him was that of all those he had loved, he viewed Téa as someone above the rest. Todd had loved Rebecca and Blair very much. He still had love in his heart for both of them. It was different with Téa. He didn't just want Téa's love. He wanted her respect as well. He cared what she thought of him. He wanted to be the kind of man she believed he could be. But in Todd's mind he always fell short. He was terrified he'd never be able to live up to what he thought she wanted. Peter had done his job well. No matter what Téa said Todd could still not believe that he wasn't a stupid loser and completely unworthy of Téa's love. He also couldn't believe that he wouldn’t hurt her. The pain he knew he could cause never stopped haunting him.

"Don't promise me that, Delgado. Please don't let me believe that if it's not true," Todd cried. Todd hated that he couldn't stop crying. He was trying to stop with all his might, but could not. His hands were clenched into fists as he tried to stop the tears.

"Believe me Todd. It's safe to believe me. I'll never leave you. I'll never stop loving you. I want to grow old with you. It's safe to believe in my love Todd."

"She's lying to you Todd. She doesn’t know eeeeverythiiiiing," Saber continued his torture.

Todd pulled away from Téa. He reached up and covered his ears. "Stop it! Leave me alone!"

Téa closed her eyes in anguish. She thought she had chased the voices away.

"Todd, don't listen to him. Listen to me! Listen to my voice. I'm here!" Téa grabbed Todd's hand and brought it to her cheek. "I'm real! Feel my skin, Todd. It's warm. It's flesh and blood. I'm real and I'm right here with you. That voice can't hurt you. I won't let anyone hurt you."

"He's strong, Delgado. He's strong. He'll hurt you. I won't be able to stop him. I'm not strong enough. I'll let you get hurt. It'll be my fault you got hurt and you'll leave me. You'll just go away. One day you'll just go away." Todd's tears increased. His breathing was becoming erratic again. He was once again trembling.

"Todd, I want you to listen to me." Téa continued to hold on to his hand as she spoke.

"He'll hurt you, Delgado. He'll hurt you. If he thinks you care about me, he'll hate you and hurt you. Then you'll hate me because I was such a coward and a wimp and didn't help you and you'll leave!"

"Shhhh, Todd listen to me. Listen to me. Did I let Starr get hurt when that terrorist came to the penthouse? No, I'm strong Todd. I didn't let anyone hurt Starr and I won't let anyone hurt me, or you. When I was hurt you were strong and you took care of me. Now it's my turn. Let me be strong for you until you can be strong for yourself again. You'll do it Todd. I know you will."

"No, I won't, Delgado. I'm too messed up. Everything is so confused all the time." Todd reached out with the hand Téa wasn't holding until he made contact with Téa's face. He felt for her ear. "Delgado, I lose time," Todd began to whisper into her ear. "I'm somewhere and it's one day and then I wake up and it's a different day and I'm somewhere else. They told me I have these people running around in my head. They told me I have these . . ." Todd tried to remember the word Susannah had used. "These seizures. I fall down and have a seizure. I'm sorry, don't be mad."

Secrets 102, Page 2