"Oh querido, I'm not angry. Why do you think I'd be angry?"
"Because I'm so messed up. I can't do anything anymore. Because I'm gonna be stuck in a loony bin for the rest of my life. Because I've wasted your life. Look at me Delgado! Is this what you're waiting for? I can't even see you. I can't even see your eyes anymore. I used to like looking at those pictures of you," Todd whispered more to himself than to Téa.
For the moment Téa was confused, then she remembered. "Do you mean the ones you took while I was sleeping?"
Todd nodded. "I'm sorry Delgado. I didn't mean to take away your privacy. Not having privacy sucks." Todd sniffed and wiped his nose with the back of his hand.
Téa smiled. "Yeah, it does suck and I'm sorry there's not much privacy here. Todd, I'm not sorry you took those pictures. I wish you could have just asked me to pose for them or just told me you wanted to look at me. It would have been okay, but it makes me very happy to know you wanted to look at pictures of me."
Todd looked confused. "How come?"
"Because it means you thought I was nice to look at and because it said you cared about me and in your own way you were trying to do what you think I wanted."
A big tear slid down Todd's cheek. "I wish I could still see you," Todd whispered.
Téa took his hand again. "Here Todd. Try this." Téa slowly rubbed Todd's palm and fingertips over her face, from her hairline down to her neck. Then she lifted his hand and rubbed it down the length of her hair. Todd didn't pull away. Téa felt Todd's body shudder.
Being so close to Téa after all this time was almost more than he could handle. He felt afraid and at the same time he prayed Téa would never leave him. Todd lifted his other trembling hand to his own head. He ran it down his hair. "They're still the same. We still have one thing the same. I can still be like you," Todd whispered.
'Madre de Dios,' Téa thought. For the first time Téa realized how much that meant to him. She always thought he was kidding around when he made comments about their hair being similar. Now she realized that Todd wanted to be like her. In his mind this was something, some way to be like her. 'Oh Todd, I'm so messed up myself and you want to be like me. Oh querido,' Téa continued to think to herself.
"We are the same. Oh Todd, we are so much the same. In many more ways than our hair."
"No, Delgado! Don't ever say that! You're good and smart. Everyone likes you. You have friends." Todd's voice got lower. "You're not a screwed up psycho. You don't purposely hurt people. The whole town doesn't hate you. You're not so crazy that you have people running around in your head. You're not disgusting. Your body doesn't do things that make you want to die of shame. You're not like me Delgado and thank God you're not like me. I'd never want you to be like me."
"No, Todd. I don't have some of the problems you have. I wasn't abused the way you were. If I had been, I can only hope I would have had the intelligence and creativity to handle it the way you did."
"Intelligence! I'm crazy! I've always been crazy, for as long as I can remember. I get really angry. I get so angry that I can't stop myself from doing things I hate me for doing. I've hurt everyone I've ever known, except Shorty. If they ever let me out, I'll hurt her too. You're nothing like me Delgado. You don't ever wanna be like me."
"Todd, do you think I lie to you?"
Todd thought for a few seconds. He shook his head and whispered "no."
"Then I want you to believe me when I tell you I know you will never, ever hurt Starr. If you don't believe anything else I ever tell you, I want you to believe that."
"What if I'm like my dad, Delgado? What if I'm like both my dads?"
"You're not! Todd, you have told me enough about Peter Manning for me to promise you that you are not like him and you will never be like him. You once told me Peter was your role model of how not to be a father. You said Starr is going to know how much her father loves her. Do you remember the night you told me that?"
Todd thought back. That night was coming back to him in flashes. Another tear slid down his cheek. That night seemed like a hundred years ago. At the same time it seemed like yesterday. Todd nodded. "You were hurt Delgado. You got hurt helping me keep Shorty. You told me you liked me," Todd's voice cracked with emotion.
Téa smiled. 'He remembers', she thought. Téa was so afraid that Todd was too ill and confused to remember much of their time together. "Yes, I told you I like you. I did then and I still do. I like you and I love you. We connected that night Todd. You opened up to me and you made me feel comfortable enough to open up to you. I never felt that way with anyone before. You did that for me."
"Me? I did that for you?" Todd sounded like he could not believe he was capable of reaching someone that way.
"You did. You always did. Almost from the time we met you made me feel like I could tell you what was in my heart, all the things I kept hidden from everyone else I've ever known I was able to tell you. Do you know why?" Téa asked gently.
"Because you knew that nothing you told me about you could make you worse than me?" Todd answered seriously. His tone was almost childlike. Téa could tell he believed that.
"No, querido. It was because you never judged me. You liked me just the way I was. You liked who I was. You acted as if you were proud of me for some traits that other people would have looked down on. You never made me feel like I was less than you."
Todd was confused. "Less than me? Delgado, you're more . . ." Todd was having trouble putting his feelings into words. "You're more Delgado. You're more than me. You're more. You're more than anyone."
Todd punched the palm of his left hand with the fist of his right. He was frustrated at not being able to put together what he wanted to say. He didn't realize what he had just said filled Téa's heart with more joy than she had known in a very long time.
"Doesn't matter what she says Todd. You are your fathers' son. Both of them, Todd. You'll hurt Téa and you'll hurt Starr." This time Saber whispered in Todd's ear. Saber hated that Téa was getting through to Todd. There was a time when Saber had tried to help Todd and the other alters. They had not listened to him. Things went from bad to worse. 'Fuck them!' He had thought. 'They think they don't need me. I'll show them! I'll show them all! That bitch will find out. Let her think she's helping. Let her have this round. I'll show her! I'll show all of them!' Saber vowed to himself.
"No! No!" Todd cried out. He began breathing heavily. "I don't want to be like them. I don't want to hurt Starr and Delgado."
"Todd! Listen to me! I want you to listen to my voice!" Téa spoke firmly. She guessed he was hearing Saber or some voice taunt him.
"I don't want to be like them, Delgado." Todd begged.
"You're not! Todd! You're not. If someone is telling you that you are they are lying to you. You're a good father. You have tried as hard as you can to not be like them and you've succeeded. Starr knows how much you love her Todd. And she loves you right back. Starr is not afraid of you. She doesn't expect pain when you come near her. She expects what you have always given her, love. You have a happy little girl who has never once in her life doubted her daddy loves her. She does not know what it means to have a father who isn't kind and loving and affectionate. Your touch is love to Starr. It's not pain or shame. It's not mixed up or confused with anything that feels bad. It's pure love Todd. You've already proven that you are not like either of your fathers."
Todd listened quietly. His brain was processing Téa's words. 'Maybe it's true? Maybe I never would hurt Shorty? Viki told me I'd never hurt Shorty too. I want Delgado to be right. Oh God! Please let her be right,' Todd thought. "I don't ever want to hurt Shorty or hurt you again, Delgado," Todd whispered. He started to cry again. "I do. I hurt you. I don't want to, but I hurt you. I don't know how to make myself stop."
"You will. That's one of the things you'll learn here. You'll learn why you want to hurt people and you'll learn how to control it. Todd, I want to hurt people when I get angry too. I want to lash out at them and make them sorry for what they did to me. When I was little, I used to dream of all the ways I'd get back at those snotty kids who made fun of me and my family. I've always wanted to get back at those who hurt me and I still do." Téa remembered the fury she felt when she hit Todd with the shovel. Tears filled her eyes and slid down her cheeks. She knew this was not the time to bring up that time in the shed. She pulled herself together and continued. "Most people want to hurt back when they've been hurt. The only difference is we try learn to control it or learn to control the way we avenge ourselves so we don't go too far and really hurt someone. You can learn that too. It's a skill. You were taught that violence is the way to handle things. So now you have to unlearn what you were taught and learn a better way. It has nothing to do with being a good or bad person. You were just taught the wrong way. It can be fixed." Téa prayed she was saying the right things. She looked up at Susannah. Susannah smiled and nodded encouragingly. She couldn't have explained things better to Todd herself. Téa impressed the hell out of Susannah and her staff.
"You wanted to hurt people?" Todd asked quietly.
Téa laughed. "Yes. I wanted to do all kinds of nasty things to those kids and sometimes I want to do nasty things to people who hurt me now. Todd I'm just as human as you are."
"I'm not human, Delgado. I'm a monster. I don't even know how to be human. It's hard for me."
"No, mi amor. You're not a monster. Unfortunately, you're all too human and that's why you feel it when it hurts. That's why you feel bad for some of the things you've done. That's what makes you afraid of yourself and makes you want to protect those you love. If you were a monster it wouldn't hurt as much as it does. Todd, I know it doesn't seem that way now, but you are so much better. You've amazed me with how much progress you've made. You never would have been able to talk to me like this a few months ago. I know you will continue to get better. I know you will. You'll leave here Todd. You'll leave here and your life will be waiting for you. Viki, Sam, Starr, the Sun, they're all waiting for you to come back to them." Another tear trickled down Téa's cheek. "And I'm waiting for you Todd. I'm waiting for us to have our life together. You will get well, and when you do I'll be there. I'll always be there. I'll never leave you," Téa promised.
Todd reached out and ran his finger's down the length of Téa's hair again. His hand was trembling.
Todd let his fingers linger in Téa's hair for another couple of seconds. He suddenly pulled his hand back sharply. Todd pulled the blanket tightly around himself.
"Todd? What is it? What's wrong?" Téa reached out for his hand again.
"Don't touch me Delgado!" Todd pulled his hand away even more sharply this time. Téa was stunned by his sudden action.
"Why? What happened? Todd please! Tell me what's wrong. Did I hurt you? Did I do something that hurt you?" Téa begged to know what had suddenly changed. She felt like she had gotten a part of her life back and she was terrified of losing it.
Todd had felt a desperate need for Téa's love and presence in his life. In Todd's mind needing and wanting someone to love him and be there for him led to agonizing pain. It led him do things he hated himself for and things that disgusted him, and sometimes to things that got people hurt. Todd was overcome with self-loathing. He wanted to crawl out of his skin. He wanted to go inside. He squeezed his eyes shut as he tried. Goodone blocked his path. Goodone was not only proud of Todd. He was proud of Téa. He knew his trust in her had not been misplaced. He wanted Todd to continue to stay out and feel Téa's love.
"Go away, Delgado! Go away before you or someone gets hurt. Go away before I make you hate me even more."
"Even more! Todd! Damn it! What do I have to say to you to make you believe I love you! I don't hate you. I could never hate you. There is nothing in this entire universe you could do to make me hate you!" Téa was frustrated and angry at life for doing this to Todd. She took a deep breath and calmed herself. She saw that Todd was beginning to tremble even more under the blanket. "Todd, I'm not your father and I'm not your mother. I won't use your love to abuse you and I won't abandon you. Tell me how I can help you to believe that."
Susannah and her staff continued to stand by quietly. So far Téa was saying exactly the right things without any coaching from them. They were all amazed at the progress Todd was making with Téa by his side.
"Don't love me! I want you to leave me. Go ahead! Leave! Just leave." Todd broke down into tears again.
"First you help me to understand why you suddenly want me to go away. Then if you still want me to, I'll leave." Téa held firm.
"Sometimes when I heard him outside my room I wanted him to come in and spend time with me. I swear Delgado, most of the time I wanted him to stay away and leave me alone. I swear! Sometimes I just wanted him to talk to me. I was so lonely."
Todd's mind was skipping from one thing to another quickly. Todd wasn't doing it consciously, but he was also confronting Téa with every horrible thing he thought about himself. He was testing her. He was giving her reason after reason to leave him. He was showing her the parts of himself he hated and considered disgusting. It was his way of saying "can you still love me now that you know this." Téa did not fully understand this. It didn't matter because everything that Todd was telling her made her love him even more. It made her admire and respect him more for surviving all of that. Todd didn't realize it; nevertheless as much as he was able, he was feeling some of that love, admiration and respect. Téa's words were reinforcing those feelings. The combination was keeping Todd from panic as these thoughts came to him. They were allowing him to stay lucid and hear what Téa was saying. "Todd, that's perfectly normal. What little boy wouldn't want his dad's attention and love? He didn't allow you to have any friends. Of course you were lonely," Téa continued.
"No! You don't understand!" Todd protested.
"Make me understand!" Téa prodded.
"I knew Delgado! I knew what he would do if he came into my room and sometimes I wanted him to come in anyway. I remember it now! I knew what he wanted! Oh God! I knew what he wanted! How can you stand to look at me or be near me? I don't blame you for hating me. He hated me. No wonder he disowned me. No wonder he was always so ashamed of me. He once told me I belong in jail and he was right, in jail or locked away here. I shouldn't be around decent people."
"Todd," Téa stroked his hair.
"Get away! Get away Delgado! I'm dirt! I'm poison! It'll get on you. Everything and everyone I touch gets destroyed. I'm cursed and I deserve it. You don't! Don't let me get my filth on you!"
Téa wondered if some of those feelings, feelings without the memories attached to them, were what kept Todd from being able to allow himself to make love to her. "Todd, I won't touch you if you don't want me to, but I'm not leaving. I'm not going to let you push me away no matter what you tell me."
"You have to Delgado. You have to hate me!"
"No, Todd. If I hated you for letting someone touch you sexually, because you wanted love and affection and thought that would make them care about you, then I would have to hate myself."
"What?" Todd was confused. "No, Delgado. You're not like me. I'm scum! You're . . ." Todd started to cry. "You're Delgado." The way Todd said this made Téa realize that Todd saw her as so far above him that he never believed he could be good enough for her. Not in any way.
"Todd. Do you think you're the only one who was so lonely and afraid that there was nothing you wouldn't do just to have someone hold you and pay attention to you?" Tears formed in Téa's eyes. She glanced quickly at Susannah and the staff and took a deep breath and continued despite their presence. "Todd, I let men touch me. I let them make love to me . . . No! I let them have sex with me. I told myself they cared. Sometimes I even told myself they loved me. In my heart I knew they didn't. They were using me. They were using me and I let them. I would have done anything not to feel so alone and unwanted. When I was with them some of the pain of my mother leaving me would go away for just those few moments. Then it was back. I felt like I wasn't worth anything. I never felt I was as good as they were. All I had to give them was my body. I had something they wanted and that made me feel like I had some power and something in this stinking world that was worth something to someone. Todd, do you hate me for what I did?" Tears fell down Téa's cheeks.
"I could never hate you," Todd choked out the words as a huge sob racked his body.
"Then you can't hate yourself Todd. I'm just like you. Oh Todd. Querido, can't you see? You don't ever have to think you're not good enough for me or that you are the only one to ever feel the way you do."
"But he was my dad! He was my dad, Delgado!" Todd cried out.
"I know," Téa gently confirmed. "That makes him worse than the men who used me, but it doesn't make you worse. You were a little boy. You were all alone. At least my Papi let me have friends. Todd you were so alone. He made sure of that. He made sure he was the only one in the world that you had. He made you think he would be good to you and he wouldn’t hurt you if you let him do what he wanted."
"I was so scared to say no. Sometimes he wouldn't talk to me for days if I didn't do what he wanted it. Most of the time he would hurt me and do it anyway. He told me I made him do it. He told me it was my fault," Todd whispered and once again pulled the blanket around tightly around himself.
"That was a lie Todd. It wasn't your fault."
"DON'T YOU CALL MY DAD A LIAR! YOU BITCH!"
Téa recognized Rocky's voice.
Susannah and her staff moved closer.
Téa didn't back off. "Rocky, it wasn't Todd's fault. If his dad told him that he was not telling the truth." Téa kept her voice calm. She understood, despite his attitude and language, Rocky was just a confused little boy.
"YOU'RE THE LIAR! MY DAD LOVES ME! HE LOVES ME! HE'D NEVER HURT ME! HE HURT TODD BECAUSE TODD DESERVED IT! TODD GAVE HIM HEARTACHE AND EMBARRASSMENT. MY DAD LOVES ME! YOU'RE A LYING CUNT, TÉA. ME AND SABER KNOW WHAT YOU DID WITH KEVIN AND WE'RE GONNA TELL TODD ON YOU! MY DAD LOVES ME!" Rocky screamed one last time.
"What? Who was that? Why did that little boy say those things to you? Who was that? I'm scared!" Todd cried out and started to tremble violently.
Susannah was about to explain a little bit about Rocky to him when Todd continued spontaneously.
"Oh God! He's right! That little boy is right. I did deserve it. I deserve everything that's happening to me. I deserve to be punished. I threw you out in the snow. I made my mom leave. I made my dad hate me. I made my real mom and dad give me away. I made my mom love Charles more than me. I deserve you to hate me and love Kevin. I'm disgusting! You need someone who deserves you and is good and smart and has dignity and . . . and . . ." Todd was gasping for breath as he cried out the agony he was feeling.
"No! You didn't deserve any of the things that happened to you. Your parents didn't deserve you! They didn't deserve the good, kind, sweet little boy that they had gotten. Todd you have more dignity than anyone I know! I understand why you threw me out in the snow. I understand everything. Nothing that happened with your dad was your fault!" Téa's was not shouting, but her voice was raised in frustration. It seemed no matter what she said Todd could not let go of the guilt he felt. "I don't care about Kevin. I don't care about any man but you. I only care about you. How can I make you believe that!"
Todd became quiet. A single tear trickled down his cheek. "I heard you Delgado. I heard you laughing at me. You and Kevin. I heard you." Todd was remembering the auditory hallucination he had the night before. "I heard you with Andrew and Rachel. You were making fun of me. You were just like my dad's girlfriends. They pretended to like me and then they'd sit around with my dad and make fun of me. Maybe you were just pretending when you said you liked me that night after you came home from the hospital? Maybe you're pretending now? Did they tell you to tell your crazy husband you like and love him to make him feel good about himself? Isn't that what shrinks do? They try to make you feel all warm and fuzzy about yourself?"
Tears filled Téa's eyes. She felt overwhelming guilt. She knew Todd was confusing real pain she had caused him with imagined pain. "I'm sorry I made fun of you and allowed Andrew and Rachel to make fun of you. I was wrong. I never should have done that. I was angry with you Todd. I told you; sometimes I want to hurt someone when I'm angry with them. You were able to hurt me and make me angry because I loved you. I was hurt because I didn't feel as if you loved me back. I am not angry with you now and I will never laugh at you again or allow anyone else to. I never, ever pretended to like or love you. Todd I do like you and I do love you. Querido, I like and love you more than anyone I've ever known."
"You do?" Todd asked in a childlike way. The feelings he had when his father's girlfriends would make fun of him came to the surface and cause him to regress for the moment. "Rachel went to jail because of me. Are you mad at me? I know Rachel is your best friend. I didn't mean to hurt her."
Téa looked toward Susannah. She didn't know if it was all right to discuss this with Todd. Susannah nodded.
"No. Todd no, you didn't hurt Rachel. Rachel went to jail because she killed Georgie."
"You don't think I killed Georgie?" Todd asked as another tear slid down his cheek.
Téa wanted to hold him. She wanted to wipe the tear away, but she was afraid to touch him. She could see how tight his muscles were through the blanket.
"No!" Téa stated firmly. "I know you didn't kill Georgie."
"They're gonna put me in jail, Delgado," Todd whispered.
"No! No one is putting you in jail. Not now, not ever! Never again Todd. I'd never let that happen."
Todd started to nod his head. "Yes they are. Kevin was here and Hank and Bo are coming to take me to jail. They think . . . no . . . Rachel went to jail for Georgie . . . Maybe Kevin lied to me about that? Hank and Nora love Rachel. They wouldn't let her go to jail. Kevin was trying to fool me. He thought he could get me to confess." Todd was mumbling to himself now. "I DIDN'T DO IT! Did I? Delgado did I? Did I do it?" Todd was getting confused. They all wondered if some part of his mind was remembering Michelle.
"No! Todd you didn't do it. You didn't hurt Georgie. Georgie was already dead when you got there. You didn't hurt her. Kevin didn't lie to you. Rachel confessed. You were there. You heard her confess." Téa tried to orient him.
Todd was quiet for a minute. "Yeah. Yeah, I remember. I . . . Kevin wanted to shoot me." Todd started to cry. "Why didn't he? I wanted him to. Why didn't he just shoot me?"
"Why would you want to hurt me like that?" From the look on his face, Téa and everyone else in the room could see how much her question surprised Todd.
"I don't want to hurt you Delgado," Todd said as he turned in the direction of Téa's voice.
"If you die it would hurt me. It would hurt me more than anything in my life ever did. It would hurt more than my mother leaving me."
"You're just saying that. That's what they tell crazy people so they don't off themselves."
