Susannah ordered vitals done on him. Then she listened to his heart and lungs. She checked his eyes and ordered him moved to his room and cleaned up. She did not order him placed in restraints. He would be asleep for hours, possibly through the night. Susannah ordered an IV to get some fluids into him and she ordered Carl and Dave to stay at his bedside in case he awoke in an agitated state. She hoped mechanical restraints would not become necessary.

"I don't understand. I know Todd has no memory of Kevin being a part of his life all these months, but his reaction was so extreme. It seemed like more than just his old resentment of Kevin. He seemed terrified of him. And why won't he let us near him? Why is he pushing us away? Was it the voice? Was the voice threatening him? Do you think it was Saber?" Viki was so anxious she did not pause long enough between questions for Susannah to answer.

"Viki, Viki! Calm down. I'm not sure what is going on with Todd. I do believe it was Saber he was hearing, but I can't say for sure. As for Kevin, Todd's last memories of him were Kevin trying to blame Georgie's murder on him. Todd has no idea of the closeness between Timmy and Kevin or Adam and Kevin. As far as Todd knows Kevin was here to send him to prison. I'm sure you both can appreciate how frightening and confusing it was for Todd to come back and find himself being hugged by someone he considers an enemy. I don't know if Todd remembered his last session. I'm guessing that he did and that is why he doesn't want to be touched by you and especially by Sam."

"He's feeling dirty isn't he? He's feeling that no decent person should touch him because he's pure filth and garbage. He doesn't think he's worthy of our caring or affection." Viki spoke from personal experience.

"If he remembers the sexual abuse I would think he probably feels very much the way you describe," Susannah confirmed.

"Does he think I'm going to hurt him?" Sam choked out the words.

"No, I don't believe he does. I think he feels unworthy of your touch. He most likely feels very much as Viki described. If he's remembering Peter molesting him and his feelings of not wanting his father to stop liking him if he said no, than he probably feels as if it were his fault, as if he wanted it. He feels disgusting. He's filled with self-loathing. He may have also remembered Téa being there and hearing about what Peter did to him," Susannah theorized.

Viki remembered every feeling of shame and repulsion she had toward herself when she first remembered what her father had done to her. She wished with all her heart she could have spared Todd that. Tears sprang to her eyes. "Todd still has such a long, painful road ahead of him. He's so fragile. How will he cope? How will he be able to stand all the memories? Most of them are so much worse than this."

"The memories won't come all at once. It may take years for all of them to come to him. Some may never come back," Susannah sadly admitted.

"Wouldn't that make full integration . . ." Viki didn't even want to say the word impossible. "Won't that make it more difficult?"

"Yes, the alters that hold those memories would most likely still function as a separate part of Todd." Susannah shook her head. "I don't think that's going to happen. Todd has made excellent progress. He has allowed himself to remember this instance of abuse. He's listened to us tell him about the DID, some of the alters and his seizure disorder without going away and hopefully not repressing it again. He's doing better physically. He allowed Téa back into his life. All of those successes can be built on. Once he realizes that he survived all of those things it will give him additional strength to go a little further. Each step that is successful will lead to more steps. Unfortunately there are always steps backward and that is to be expected. Not only has that been Todd's pattern since the beginning, but it is common among most patients."

"How can you say he's okay with learning about his conditions? You heard him scream that it was a lie. He's still denying it. He thinks you're being paid to keep him sick. He thinks that it's all the drugs you're giving him that's causing all this to happen to him." As Sam stated this Blair's words came back to him. He kept hearing her say that maybe Todd is right. Maybe Susannah is being paid by the Buchanans to keep Todd sick. The rational part of Sam knew how ridiculous this was. The confused part, the part that wanted to believe all Todd needed was some respite from the hospital and the drugs and he would be fine, was starting to have doubts.

"I know Todd denied his disorders to Kevin. I don't believe he is in complete denial. I think he wants to believe that he and you and Viki are being made to think he has the mental and physical illnesses he has when he really doesn't. I also think he knows that really isn't true. Early on in Todd's sessions, when I first told him about the DID and depression, I know that even though he didn't accept it and went on to repress it, it made a certain sense to him. It fit with everything that's been happening to him for as long as he could remember," Susannah reminded them.

"He stayed Todd and was willing to hear about Tom and Timmy and agree to allow Téa to visit them," Viki remembered.

"He did, and that's an excellent sign. Some of his unhealthy defense mechanisms are slowly breaking down. I'm hoping Todd will be able to build on each success he has," Susannah stated.

"What the hell are you two talking about! You just saw him in there. He was coming apart at the seams. He was hearing voices. He wants to die now more than ever! What's wrong with you both? How can you sit there talking about how well he's doing? Jesus!"

"Sam, you know there are set backs along with progress. Todd's steps backward do not negate his steps forward. They're part of his pattern. That's a pattern for most patients." Susannah tried to assure him.

"Can I go sit with him? Or do you think he wouldn't want me near him?" Sam asked coldly. His mind was closed to anything Susannah or Viki had to say.

"Yes, they should be finished cleaning him up by now." Susannah didn't try to get him to talk about what he had just said. She knew this wasn't the time and she shouldn't be the one he talked to.

Viki couldn't let it go. As Sam got up to leave for Todd's room Viki took his hand. "Honey, it's not like that. You know how much Todd loves you. It's painful for him to be touched right now."

"He had no problem being touched by Susannah and Dave. He reached out for Dave's hand. It was me touching him that hurt him," Sam was adamant.

"He didn't want me to touch him either. Sam, I can speak from personal experience. Todd does not feel worthy of our touch. It's different with the staff." Viki knew Sam had understood this at one time. She couldn't fathom his reaction to this now.

"He remembered my hesitation in touching him after Angel came out. That's why he can't stand for me to touch him. He remembers that I gave him back to Peter to be tortured every time we were together. I don't blame him. If I were Todd I would hate me too."

With that Sam pulled his hand away from Viki's and headed for Todd's room.

"Oh God! Susannah, should I go after him? Should I go and try to find Kevin? How am I going to help them? Sam is taking everything that happens to Todd as an indictment against him and the choices he made when Todd was growing up. Maybe Sam needs more time alone with Todd? Maybe I should leave here for a while each day? Kevin was just devastated by Todd's reaction. Maybe I should go home or to the Banner and see if Kevin is there? But then what if Todd wakes up and calls for me? No, I should go to the lounge. This way I'll be right near by if Todd or Sam need me. Kevin might need me. He and Cassie are getting a divorce. Kevin has no one. He needs me too. Todd has to come first. He's so ill and fragile. I . . . I . . . I don't know what to do. Who do I help first? Susannah tell me what to do. What's the right thing to do?" Tears flowed down Viki's cheeks.

"Viki, the first thing I want you to do is to utilize your coping skills. I want you to take some deep breaths and to sit quietly for a few minutes." Susannah's voice was a calming influence. She walked over to where Viki sat and gently rubbed her shoulder. Viki followed her instructions and started to calm down.

"I'm fine. I was just feeling a little overwhelmed for a moment," Viki assured Susannah.

"There's a lot to be overwhelmed with," Susannah confirmed.

"Sam is going through a bad period and so is Kevin. I feel that they both need more of my time than I have to give. Do you think Kevin feels I don't love him enough?"

"I think Kevin understands how ill Todd is, intellectually. I also think that all the old feelings of resentment and sibling rivalry between Kevin and Todd have not simply vanished. Kevin is trying very hard to work through those feelings. I'm hoping now that he knows Kevin has been a part of his life, Todd will too. As for Sam, Viki, he needs to talk to someone. Not you. He needs someone who has nothing to do with Todd or you."

"I can't force Sam into therapy," Viki sighed.

"No, or course not. Sam needs to want to speak with someone."

"You think I'm making a mistake by naming Sam Todd's co-guardian, don't you?"

Susannah hated to discuss this without Sam being present. Still, she need to say what she thought was best for Todd.

"I think this may not be the best time for Sam to be making decisions for Todd. Sam seems to be experiencing confusion. Viki, has Sam been having problems sleeping?"

"Yes, on nights when we're in the lounge together I hear him tossing and turning until I fall asleep and if I wake up in the middle of the night he's still usually awake. When he does fall asleep he usually wakes up very early, around four in the morning."

"Sam has lost a little weight. Has his appetite been poor?" Susannah inquired.

"He doesn't seem to eat much more than Todd does. When he does eat I can see he's forcing it just because he knows he has to eat." Viki was getting more concerned with every answer she gave. She hadn't been putting all of Sam's symptoms together.

"I can see that Sam is experiencing fatigue. His posture is becoming slouched. He's constantly anxious and irritable. He's showing signs of cognitive distortions like all-or-nothing thinking. Sam is disqualifying any positive things he has done for Todd and focusing only on the negative. He is magnifying some aspects of Adam's therapy out of all proportion. He seems to be having trouble concentrating. I see some psychomotor retardation. At times Sam's speech is slow, with long pauses before he gives an answer. I notice he is not tending to his ADLs the way he used to. His hair is uncombed most of the time. He's not changing his clothes as often as he used to. Viki, I believe Sam is suffering from major depression."

Viki was shocked. Yes, she thought Sam was depressed, but had no idea of the severity of it. What shocked her even more was that she had not noticed many of the things Susannah was talking about. Now that Susannah mentioned them, Viki realized they were all true. Sam didn't seem to care much about anything. He had become careless in his grooming. He did move and speak slowly most of the time. Everything Susannah mentioned was true.

Viki thought for a few minutes. Her thinking was not completely clear either. Viki felt like she was about to explode. There were just too many things going on. The pressure on her was unrelenting.

"I'll help Sam any way I can. Tell me what I need to do." Viki words were more a plea than a question.

"Viki, I know you want to be strong for everyone. You want to give everyone what they need. What about you? What do you need? I think you’re starting to lose sight of your own needs."

Viki smiled a sad smile as she looked at Susannah. "My needs . . . hmm. My needs are simple. I want my family to be well. I want to see them happy and healthy. I want to be able to give Todd back the life our father took away from him. I want my children to be happy. I want to see Kevin find someone he can have a long and happy relationship with." Viki looked away from Susannah as she continued. "I want to be the kind of woman Sam deserves. He's given up everything for me and for Todd."

"Do you think Sam is feeling angry or frustrated because you haven’t been able to have a full sexual relationship with him?" Susannah asked straight out.

Viki became noticeably uncomfortable. This was the last thing she wanted to get into now. "According to Sam, no. He has pretty much told me that it's not a high priority for him right now. I'm sure he was just saying that so I wouldn’t have that to worry about too."

Susannah knew that decreased libido was another symptom of depression. "Viki I believe Sam. Sexual desire often diminishes when someone is depressed. I don't think it's on Sam's mind a lot. What about you, Viki? Have you given any more thought to what's keeping you from being able to have a full sexual relationship with Sam?"

"No, Susannah I'm sorry. I haven't. All the things that have happened since our last session have been preoccupying my mind." Viki hesitated. She did want to discuss the odd feelings and dreams she was having about Irene and guilt she was feeling whenever she thought about Victor giving Todd to the Mannings. 'I can't get into all that now. Todd, Sam and Kevin need me. I have to keep my head clear for them,' Viki thought to herself.

"I know a lot has happened Viki. I understand that it would prey on your mind. I do think it would be a good idea if you set up a session in the near future. We don't have to discuss your sexual problems. We can discuss how you're coping with everything that's happened in the last couple of weeks. It will be all right to discuss Todd. I'm sure his developing epilepsy and his disclosures and Adam coming out have not been easy to deal with. I think you need to discuss how Sam's behavior is effecting you. If you like we can discuss your concerns about Kevin or anything at all you want to discuss. You need to think and talk about you Viki. Don't lose your self-importance in all this," Susannah cautioned.

Viki was starting to feel anxious and uncomfortable. She attributed it to what had just happened with Todd and to Sam and Kevin's reaction. Viki was afraid of losing all of them. Viki didn't realize it, however the very thought of losing them made her feel like the little girl whose mother had just died and now she was all alone, except for a monster she had to keep happy so he would continue to love her and not leave her. Viki did not think of her family as that monster. No, she thought of them as her safe port from the monster. They were the good and pure love that her mother was. She would not lose any of them. She would do anything to prevent that from happening. There was no time to think of her own demons now. Viki's mind was too preoccupied with keeping everyone else together.

"Susannah. I do understand. I need a little more time. I'm not putting therapy off or resisting it. I just need some more time."

"Viki, I'm not trying to place any pressure on you. Whenever you are ready, I'll be there. I just want to make sure you realize the importance of taking care of yourself as well as your family."

"I do. Right now I need to think about them first for just a little while longer. I know you think it's a mistake to have Sam appointed Todd's guardian right now. I don't agree. I think it's just what both Sam and Todd need. Sam wants to be a real father to Todd and Todd has always wanted Sam to be his father. I can't see how doing this won't give both of them what they've been longing for. I also mean it when I say that I would feel better knowing Sam has legal rights to decisions concerning Todd in case something were to happen to me. I don't want to place Téa in the position of having to make these kinds of decisions. It would be very unfair to her. I'm sure once Sam is Todd's legal guardian Todd will realize just how much Sam loves him and be more secure in that love." Viki sounded more like she was trying to convince herself than Susannah.

"Viki, I need you to understand that this may not stop Todd from needing to push Sam away. You know that isolating after having memories of sexual abuse is not unusual. Todd needs some time to work through why he has the need to push Sam away. I don't mean to upset you even more, but there may be some validity in what Sam said. There may be a part of Todd that is very angry with Sam for not rescuing him. That part may be coming closer to the surface."

"Todd loves Sam. He wants Sam to be his father." Viki declared firmly.

"I agree. Todd loves and needs Sam very much. That does not mean he can't feel angry with him."

"I do know that. I don't know what's wrong with me. It seems that everyone around me is falling apart. Thank God for Téa. She's the only one who's keeping herself together in all of this. I need her to be there and be strong for Todd. That is why I don't want the additional burden of making medical decisions to fall on her shoulder," Viki stated.

Susannah realized Viki's mind was made up. This was her way of trying to fix things and her way of trying to hold her world together. Susannah hoped with all her heart that this decision wouldn't cause additional suffering to all of them.

Viki looked at her watch. It had been nearly half an hour since Kevin had left the hospital. "Do you expect Todd to sleep for a few hours?" Viki asked.

"Yes, he was heavily sedated. Even with Todd's unpredictable reaction to medication he should be out for at least three or four more hours."

"I want to try to find Kevin. I'm hoping he's at Llanfair or at the paper. I'm hoping he didn't start drinking again. Maybe I should call Téa and ask her to check out a few places too."

"Viki that might not be the best idea. I don't think it's advisable for Téa to be the one to find Kevin. Especially if he's been drinking."

"Why on earth would you say that? Surely you don't think Kevin would hurt Téa. He also knows enough not to drive if he's been drinking." Susannah heard the shock in Viki's voice.

Susannah would not disclose anything that Kevin told her during their session. All she said was, "Now that Todd knows Kevin is in the picture it may not be a good idea to encourage a close relationship between Téa and Kevin."

Viki thought about if for a few minutes. "You're right. I just hope I can think of all the places Kevin may be."

Susannah could see how worried Viki was. She also knew that once Viki thought Todd might be awake she would be torn about looking for Kevin and being there for Todd.

"Kevin may want some time to himself to sort out his thoughts, but I know you're worried about him. Why don't you go check your house and the paper and I'll check some other places around town. Hopefully one of us will find him," Susannah suggested.

"Oh thank you Susannah. It may be easier for Kevin to talk with you about this. He may hold back what he's really feeling if I were the one he were talking to."

"I'll be there if he needs to talk whether or not I find him this evening. I'd better get going. I want to make sure I'm back here to assess Todd when he wakes up."

Viki nodded. "I'm going to the lounge to get my bag and then I'm going to tell Sam where I'll be and then I'll be leaving too."

Viki headed for the lounge and Susannah headed for her car. Susannah had a hunch that Viki would not find Kevin at Llanfair or the Banner. Susannah headed for some of the bars that were near the hospital.

TO BE CONTINUED