"Téa heard everything, Todd. She heard. She heard! Everyone knows. Why do you think Kevin is here? He knows. Everyone knows what kind of filth you are. Everyone knows that you'd do anything to get your daddy to love you. He never will Todd. Never! He knows what kind of weak, pathetic, fag you are. You liked it when your father would touch you, didn't you? You wanted him to talk to you and to hold you. You wanted it so much you'd suck his cock for it. Your mother, Todd, she knew and she thought you deserved it. You disgusted her so much she left you. She couldn't even stand having you around for a week. Téa feels the same way, Todd. Téa and Kevin are laughing at you. Ask Tom. He knows. You disgust Téa. You make her sick at the sight of you. They don't believe you Todd. They think you killed Georgie. They blame you for Rachel. They blame you for everything. Téa hates you for not being a man. Viki and Sam are disgusted with you. They're going to leave you Todd. Kevin is Viki's real son. He's the one she loves. Not you. You're nothing to Sam. Sam has a real son. He never wanted you. He knows you deserve everything that happened to you. That's why Sam never took you home with him. That's why Sam and Viki are leaving you here to rot. That's why they're going to let Kevin send you to prison. No one loves you Todd. Starr will find out all about you and she'll hate you too. She doesn't want to have such a loser for a father. Maybe I should go and pay Starr a little visit."
"NOOOOOOO! NOOOOOO!" Todd's head was loud and pounding.
"Todd, shhhh. It's all right. No one is going to hurt you. Tell me what you're hearing. Talk about it Todd. You don't have to show us you're in pain. Tell us with words," Susannah encouraged.
"Do you feel something odd Todd? You've shit and pissed in your pants. They have a diaper on you." Saber roared with laughter. The sound of it terrified Todd even more than Saber's words.
Since they had not had a chance to clean Adam up before Todd came out he was left to feel that what Saber said was true.
"See Todd. I don't lie to you. I tell you the truth, the whole disgusting truth. Look at yourself! Do you think this is what Téa wants to be married to? Do you think this is what Starr wants for a father and Viki and Sam want for a son? Do you think that bitch doctor and those assholes that work here really care about you? They get paid a fuckin' fortune to pretend to like you. I'm gonna destroy every one of them, Todd. That lady doctor who thinks she can outsmart me, Viki, Sam, Téa . . . oh it will be a pleasure to go after Téa. Then Starr. I'll save Starr for last. Maybe I'll go after Blair too. Then Starr will be all alone. She'll think it's you Todd. She'll think her daddy is the one doing all those things to her. You can't be a good father Todd. No matter how much you try. You have Peter in your head and Victor's blood in you. Blood will tell. Viki lied to you when she told you would never hurt Starr. You'll hurt her Todd. You hurt everyone! I'm going to save you the trouble. I'll take care of hurting all of them for you. There's not a fuckin' thing you can do about it because you're going straight from here to Statesville. You won't have Bo and Hank to make sure no one hurts you. Do you remember how they hurt you the last time you were in prison?" Saber began to laugh again.
"Oh God!" Todd whispered then he began to scream, "OH GOD! NO! NO! OH GOD! IT'S NOT TRUE. NO ONE HURT ME IN PRISON. NO ONE! I'M STRONG! I'D NEVER LET ANYONE HURT ME. NOOOO! I'D NEVER HURT STARRRR. I'LL STOP YOU. I WON'T LET YOU HURT THEM!"
"It's true, Todd. You were always a coward. Even in prison. You sent Pete and Razor in when you were too much of a wimp to take it. You always get people hurt for you Todd. Now look at you! You're too sick and weak to hurt anyone. So I'll do it for you. Do you think Kevin took your threats seriously? He's laughing at you. You can't see him, but I can. He's laughing at you. They're all laughing at you. You're the joke of this town. Listen to it Todd. Listen and you can hear them all laughing at you. You can even hear Téa and Starr laughing at you. Listen." Saber's tone was hypnotic and suggestive.
"STOP HIM! MAKE HIM STOOOOP! OH GOD! LET GO OF ME. STOP IT! STOP LAUGHING AT ME! I CAN HEAR YOU! YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ME! I HEAR YOU! STOOOOP! I HATE YOU! I HATE ALL OF YOU!" Todd was gasping for breath. He began to mutter to himself. "I hate . . . I hate . . . MEEEEE! I HATE ME! LET ME DIE! LET GO OF ME! I HAVE TO GET TO STARR! I HAVE TO GET TO TÉA! VIKI, SAM! NO! DOCTOR HANEN! DO IT! LET ME DIE! DO IT! THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE EVERYONE. IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE ME! DO IT! I'LL PAY YOU DOUBLE WHAT THE BUCANANS ARE PAYING YOU. YOU LET ME DIE! KEVIN IS LYING TO ME. LET ME DIE! OHHHH! MY HEAD HURTS! MAKE IT STOOOOP! MAKE IT STOOOOP! OHHHH! OOOOOHHHHH! STOOOOP!"
Kevin moved closer to Todd. "Todd! I'm not lying to you. I'm not laughing at you. No one is! Stop this! Calm down. You're going to get yourself sick or have a seizure. Stop it!"
"Back off Kevin!" Carl warned him.
Todd had forgotten about having epilepsy. Now what Susannah, Sam and Viki told him about his having "fits" came back to him.
"Heeeee knooooows Toooood." Saber taunted. "They all know! He knows you fall down and have fits. You're a freak Todd. You've given the whole town so much fun. They don't know what to laugh at first. Your father is laughing at you Todd. He's so ashamed of you. You are more of a loser than even he thought you were. You need to be punished for ruining his life. You're more of an embarrassment than anyone should have to put up with. Kevin is a son Viki can be proud of. Sam is proud of his son. It's you Todd. You can't be loved. Everyone else can. Not you. There's no love for you, only shame and hatred. Everyone wants to see you punished. Kevin has a right to hate you. You try to take his mother away from him. You want Viki to love you. You don't deserve a mother. You became part of Kevin's family and you brought shame to him. You are heartache to everyone. Everyone!" Even the staff here hates you. They want to hurt you. They'rrrre going to hurrrrrrt you," Saber used a singsong voice.
Todd's struggling increased drastically. "I HATE YOU KEVIN! I NEVER WANTED TO BE A PART OF YOUR FAMILY! YOU'RE A LIAR, KEVIN! YOU WANT ME TO THINK I HAVE ALL THOSE THINGS. YOU'RE PAYING THEM TO MAKE ME THINK I HAVE ALL THESE THINGS. "
Susannah wanted Todd to feel his anger, but he was escalating beyond what his body could tolerate. Even though he had improved physically, he was a long way from being able to tolerate this. Susannah knew he was experiencing a psychotic episode.
"Todd you need some help calming down. Will you take some medication to help you?" Susannah hoped by some miracle Todd would calm some and accept medication.
"NOOOOO! NO DRUGS! I DON'T WANT ANY DRUGS! YOU WANNA CONTROL ME. YOU WANNA MAKE ME CRAZIER. KEVIN IS HERE TO MAKE SURE YOU MAKE ME CRAZY AND MAKE ME THINK I HAVE ALL THESE THINGS," Todd screamed. "Ooooh my head hurts!" Todd moaned. He began to cry. "You're doing this to me, Kevin! You hate me because I showed you what a lousy husband you were. You hate me because I pollute your family. It's not my fault! I don't want to be related to you. I didn't kill her! I didn't rape them. I didn't! I didn't! I didn't" Todd was now crying uncontrollably.
Kevin was glad Blair wasn't there. He knew she'd be agreeing with Todd and feeding into his paranoia.
"Todd, you need to calm down. I'm giving you one more chance to take the medication by mouth or we will have to give you a shot. You need help calming down," Susannah voice was firm, but gentle.
"NOOOOO! GO TO HELL! NOOOOO! VIKI! VIKI! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY FOR EVERTHING! DON'T LET THEM HURT ME! VIKI! I'LL BE GOOD! I'LL TRY TO BE GOOD! DON'T LET THEM DRUG ME! THEY WANT TO CONTROL ME! VIKI! PLEEEEASE!" Todd started shrieking again as he begged Viki to keep them from drugging him.
"Baby, I'm not going to let anyone hurt you. Sweetheart, Doctor Hanen and the staff are trying to help you. Todd, please let them help you," Viki assured and pleaded.
Sam stood there silently. He was numb. It was almost as if he were watching Todd from far away.
Todd couldn't hear Viki. All he could hear was Saber's taunts. "You can't stop them Todd. They can do anything they want to you. You should be used to it. All your life people have been doing whatever they want to you and you can't stop them. You'll never be able to stop them. I can do whatever I want to you Todd. I can make your head hurt. If I want to I can burn you and beat you and stick things in you. I can go after Téa and Starr. You love them Todd. Your love is a curse. You loved your father and look at what a curse you were to him. You shamed and aggravated him into a heart attack. He's not really dead, Todd. He's here with you. He is always around watching and waiting. He's going to punish you for being such a miserable excuse for a son. He'll show you how your love destroys. It killed your mother! It will destroy, everyone, Viki, Sam, Téa and most of all Starr. Kevin is part of your punishment. He wants Tééééaaa Todd. He wants you out to the way so he can have Téa all to himself. Blair knows. Ask Blair. Everyone knows but you Todd. You're much too stupid to figure it out."
"LIAR! STOP LYING TO ME!" Todd screamed.
"Kevin's right there Todd. Ask him. Maybe he'll tell you the truth when his mommy's not around. He's not afraid to fuck Téa the way you are. Téa needs a man Todd. Not a frightened little cocksucker like you. Téa and Kevin must have had a good laugh over that]"
"I HATE YOU KEVIN!" Todd shrieked. "I HATE YOU!"
"Ask Blair, Todd. I heard her. She knows. Ask Tom. He's as stupid as you are and even he knows about Téa and Kevin. No one can love you Todd. No one! It's not safe to love you."
"NOOOO! LIAR! LIAR!"
They all realized Todd was not screaming at them. They knew he reacting to the voice or voices he was hearing.
Susannah ordered an injection. Sam, Viki and Kevin stood by helplessly. Todd had only been back for about ten minutes. To Todd's family it seemed as if he had been suffering and in a hold for hours.
"Give me your hand!" Saber ordered.
"NOOOOOO!" Todd's scream was one of absolute terror as he heard his father demand the first step in his discipline.
Todd desperately wanted to go back inside. "PAPA! HELP ME! LET ME IN! PAPA PLEASE! HELP ME TO FIND YOU! LET ME BACK IIIIINNN! PAPA! PAPA!" Todd shrieked.
Goodone would have gladly fought Saber for him. If he died trying, he would have fought Saber or anyone for Todd. No, Goodone wasn't blocking Todd's way to him out of fear. Goodone wanted them to know about Saber. He wanted them to see what Saber was doing to his son and stop him. Goodone knew how much Todd needed Téa. He knew how much Todd wanted to feel her love. He also knew how much Todd wanted to be able to show her his love. Goodone had always liked Téa. He respected her. He never forgot how she helped give Todd what was most precious to him in the world. His Starr. Goodone trusted Téa and knew Saber was lying about her relationship with Kevin. When he heard what Saber had said about Téa and Kevin, Goodone wanted Todd to stay out and hear the truth. He did not want Todd to come to his hiding place believing Téa betrayed him. Goodone did not want him to believe it of Kevin either. Goodone had been very slow in giving any trust at all to Kevin. He remembered all the times Kevin had tried to hurt Todd. Goodone was a fair man. He did not forget that Todd had done things to hurt Kevin as well. He believed that it was important for Todd to have someone near his own age to be friends with, someone who could be like a brother to Todd. Goodone was not sure if Kevin could ever fit this bill. That remained to be seen. What Goodone wanted was for Todd and Kevin to at least tolerate each other.
Keeping Todd outside and not allowing him to run to his arms tore into Goodone's heart like a knife. He wanted to open the path and hold his arms out to his son. When Todd had come inside after remembering what he made Téa feel like when he threw her out into the snow and some of the sexual abuse, he was in terrible shape. Goodone was worried that even his arms wouldn't comfort Todd. Todd was filled with self- hatred. He wanted to hurt himself. He was deeply ashamed and could not look Goodone in the eye. Goodone held Todd tightly and taught him that a father's love doesn't have to hurt. It doesn't have to make you feel dirty. He made sure Todd understood that his love was unconditional and that Todd did not have to please him in anyway. Todd was able to feel Goodone's love. He believed in that love and accepted it. Then Todd had cried that Téa hated him and would never think of him as a man. Over and over again Goodone assured Todd this wasn't true. He encouraged him to talk to Téa. He also encouraged him to open up to Téa's love and allow himself to feel it. Todd was still too afraid to allow that part of him that had become numb to feeling love to awaken. Goodone knew Todd was not ready and he didn't press. He held Todd and rocked him. He made sure Todd felt love. Then he put Todd into a deep sleep.
During the time Adam had been out and Todd had been sleeping Mike had come to talk to Goodone. Mike was a simple man. He dressed plainly. He was Todd's height, but seemed much taller and imposing. His hair was the same color as Todd's, only short. Like Todd's, Mike's eyes were hazel. His eyes were not cold or warm. They gave no clue to his feelings. Mike did not smile or frown. His face gave nothing away, yet he was not secretive or duplicitous. He was direct, clear and concise in what he had to say. Although he was the same age as Todd he seemed older than his years. Not in appearance, but in manner and demeanor. Mike never said more than what absolutely needed to be said. What he did say he said simply, and in a no nonsense manner. He never stayed around to associate with any of the other alters once his business had been stated or taken care of. Mike gave careful thought to his decisions even though many of them had to be made on the spur of the moment. He had one goal and he never lost sight of it. He was there to protect Todd and to keep the system safe.
Mike had awesome responsibilities on his shoulders. He did not have swings in his emotions. He stayed on and even keel. He would not be able to do his job if he had feelings that got in the way of what needed to be done. Mike did not set out to intimidate or frighten. Nevertheless he did, because those who understood his purpose also understood that if necessary they would be sent away. There was no one who would be spared if Mike considered them a danger to Todd's life. Mike did not open or close the gate to anyone casually. Even Saber was not sent away for his behavior. It was only when Mike sensed a direct threat to Todd's life, as in the case of Peter wanting to kill Andy or Todd becoming so overwhelmed that he was determined to die that Mike made more long term arrangements for pulling someone out of the system or bringing someone into it.
"You must not allow him out for those sessions, Goodone. What happened today must never be repeated. The feelings Todd had put him in jeopardy. They put us all in jeopardy," Mike warned, referring to the last session Todd had and the memories of sexual abuse that it brought forth.
"Mike, I understand why you feel as you do. I disagree. Todd is not as weak as you think. I can feel him getting stronger. He is able to remember me now when he is in their world. He was able to allow his wife to put her arms around him and hold him. You must have been able to feel how being able to do that felt to Todd, for a moment, until the walls closed him in again. When Téa's arms were around him, Todd felt like he had found something precious that had been lost to him. For those few moments he felt safe in their world. He felt like he had found a missing part of himself."
"Yes, Goodone. I felt it. I have nothing against Téa. It's not personal. I have to think of what is best for Todd and best for everyone. Todd's need to die was extremely strong when he remembered what Peter Manning did to him. Those memories placed him and everyone in danger. I cannot allow that. I did what was needed. The child, the one they call Adam, seemed to handle his birth rather well. He's adapting to their world. You do understand the necessity for Adam?" Mike's tone, as usual, was without emotion. It was businesslike, not cold.
"Yes, I understand and I agree. Todd needed to come inside after he remembered what Peter had done to him," Goodone admitted.
"Goodone, I'm not pleased with the way you're handling things. You are helping Doctor Hanen to get Todd out into their world. You are blocking his way back in. Do I need to tell you how dangerous that can be? Todd may find another way inside and hide, even from you. If that happens he may become one with the original Todd and never come out again. Goodone, you know I normally trust your judgment. I don't interfere with your relationship with Todd if I can help it. I believe your judgment is faulty in this situation. I'm stepping in and telling you what needs to be done. You are to stop helping Doctor Hanen and Todd's family. I want you to allow Todd access to you whenever he needs it. You are not to encourage him into their world. Yo . . "
"Mike," Goodone interrupted, surprising Mike. "You know I have always abided by your instructions. I know you have kept Todd and all of us alive all these years and you usually know best. I need you to listen to me before you make any permanent decisions."
Mike was not unreasonable. He was not cruel or heartless. Nor was he emotional or caring in the sense that his care came from love. Mike's job was to do what needed to be done to protect Todd and the system. He needed to do his job without regard to anyone's needs or feelings. That is anyone but Todd. Todd's needs took precedence over those of any of the others. Todd needed to be kept alive and any threat to that, be it from someone within the system or someone outside, meaning the rest of the world, had to be dealt with quickly. Mike thought about it for a few seconds. Goodone had never questioned his orders before. "I'm listening," Mike informed Goodone.
"What were the only times you ever felt anything even close to happiness in Todd?" Goodone asked.
Mike thought for a minute. "The day he first held Starr and most anytime he was with her." Mike paused for a moment and realized there was more. "The day Téa accepted Todd's marriage proposal. The real marriage proposal. Of course immediately afterward Todd became frightened and unhappy," Mike added.
"I know," Goodone confirmed. "But for the moment Todd felt immense happiness. You must remember how shocked all of us were to feel Todd feeling that way. It is not a feeling we often get from him."
"Goodone, I'm not denying that Todd has had some rare moments of happiness in their world. They are not enough to keep him safe. There is no sanctuary from his pain once he is away from you. So I don't understand what those fleeting moments of happiness prove."
"They prove that Todd can have what he dreams of most, a life with his wife and child. A life where he can feel their love and he can also have the parents he's always dreamed of. I'm sure you can feel the love Viki and Sam have for Todd. They are the parents he prayed for when he was growing up."
"Goodone, you can give Todd that love. Up to a point so can Carol. Even Miss Perkins can make Todd feel cared for."
"Yes, we can. What we can't do is give him the love he wants most, his child's and his wife's. They can't be with him when he is inside feeling our love. Doctor Hanen wants Todd to feel the way he feels in my arms when he's with his family. I did not agree with her either, at the beginning. I did not trust that she could keep Todd safe."
"And now you do? After all the agony her help has caused Todd you still believe he can be safe with them?" Mike inquired incredulously.
"I do. I believe the only way Todd can have what he really wants in life is to allow them to help him. Mike, Todd needs to be with his daughter. She's growing up without him. Todd found the kind of love he's been searching all his life with Téa. Téa is able to see past Todd's pain and the things it makes him do. Téa sees the man Todd wants to be. She's determined to help him become that man. Téa's able to see the love in him, even though he can't yet see it himself. You know how much I love Todd. I feel like I'm cutting my heart out every time I let him go or push him to them. Keeping Todd from coming back to me is almost more than I can bear. I don't even know if I can remain strong enough to continue to do that. I love having Todd with me. I love all my children, but my time with Todd is special. He knows I feel that way. He can tell. He can feel how much I love him and enjoy being with him. Todd's family feels that way too. They love him and love to be with him. He can't feel it when he is with them. He can only feel it with me. I've begun to realize it is not fair to Todd to continue to allow him to miss out on that love. Mike, I'm not asking you to trust Todd's family or Doctor Hanen and the staff here. I'm not asking you to trust me. I'm asking you to trust Todd. Trust in his strength. I promise you when I feel Todd is not able to take it any more I will be there for him. I'll hold my arms open for him and when he runs to me I will hold him and let him feel my love as I always have, like I did when he remembered what Peter did to him. I agree that you needed to pull him away and send him to me."
Mike remembered all the times he felt Todd's love for Starr and Téa. He also remembered Todd feeling love for Sam and Viki. Mike knew there was still love for Blair in Todd's heart and love for Barbara. As much as it concerned Mike, there was love for Peter too. Todd's heart was huge. Once Todd loved someone they stay loved. It was only the way they were loved and the intensity of the love that differed from person to person.
"All right Goodone. Let them deal with Todd for now. You understand I expect you to pull him in immediately if he begins to feels as he did when he remembered that way his father hurt him." Mike emphasized the word "that." Mike did not like to think about the ways Todd was hurt. He needed to stay emotionally detached in order to what needed to be done.
"Yes, I understand." Goodone nodded. "I would never allow Todd to be subjected to more than he can handle. It may seem that way to them and even to Todd, but I know when he truly is beyond what their love, help, and medicines can do for him. That is when I help him back to me or pull him back if it becomes necessary."
"Fine. I'll be going now."
"Mike, just one more thing."
"Yes?" Mike turned back toward Goodone.
"Who'll be taking care of Adam when he comes back inside?"
"He'll be taken care of by Irene. We set up a place next to the Baby for him. It seems Adam is beginning to enjoy some parts of their world. Adam may be difficult to handle, however I trust that Irene can manage. Like the Baby, Adam will most likely be put to sleep for long periods of time when he comes back inside. It is best for them. Being inside doesn't have much to offer them. They are the ones who thrive best outside, in their world. Goodone, I know you love children. Don't worry about Adam. Irene will tend to him. She is excellent with babies. He needs her special attention. Miss Perkins is too old and Carol is too busy." Mike informed.
"Yes,' Goodone sighed. "I'm afraid I have to leave most of the responsibility for our children to Carol. Most of my time of late has been spent with Todd. I will be giving my other children the attention they deserve while Todd is out in their world."
"Thomas is becoming quite a handful isn't he?" Mike stated, more than asked.
Goodone became nervous. He did not want Thomas to be sent away.
"He'll be fine. He just needs more of my attention. He plays well with Scared and Braver. Thomas is no trouble. We love him very much."
Mike let it go. "I'll be in touch," Mike stated and left.
It was shortly after that Goodone woke Todd up and sent him back to his family. Now Todd was begging to come back inside. His pleas brought tears to Goodone's eyes. His heart ached for his beloved son. He needed all the strength within him not to open his arms to Todd and allow him back in. Goodone stayed strong. He kept Todd with his family. Goodone stayed to watch over Todd, just in case. He hated Saber and wanted to rip him away from Todd's ear as he taunted him.
"I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE! PAPAAAAAA! LET ME IN! PAPAAAAAAA!" Todd continued to scream.
"Immobilize him" Susannah ordered as they prepared to inject him with a strong sedative.
"Give - me- your- hand!" Saber commanded.
"NOOOOOO!" Todd shrieked in anguish.
Todd was too far-gone to even feel them lowering his pants or the injection. He was lost in his own horror. He continued to scream and cry for another couple of minutes. Susannah was afraid he would need a second injection and she really didn't want to chance that unless the situation became extreme. Finally Todd's screams turned to moans and whimpers. His breathing slowed and became deeper.
When they loosened their hold on Todd, his head fell forward and then to the side. Susannah gently stabilized it to make sure his neck was in proper alignment.
"Please make them go away," Todd pleaded. He could only whisper now and his speech was slurred.
"Okay Todd, shhhh. It's all right. Whom do you want us to make go away?" Susannah asked.
"The voice. The voice and Kevin. Make them go away forever. Please don't let them come back. I hate them," Todd whimpered.
Tears filled Kevin's eyes. He swallowed hard. He felt as if all eyes were on him. He glanced around the room quickly. He didn't wait for Susannah to tell him to leave. He ran from the day room. He ran before they could all see the tears that began to pour down his cheeks.
Viki saw how upset Kevin was. She wanted to go after him, but she didn't want to leave Todd. She felt as if she were being torn in two. She chose to stay with Todd.
Connie was at the nurses station when she saw Kevin run from the dayroom. Kevin headed for the doors that led off the unit. Connie approached him. She could see he was crying. She had heard some of what was going on in there. "Are you all right?" Connie asked Kevin.
"I'm fine! Let me out. I just need to get out of here." Kevin banged his fist against the doors.
"Maybe you should wait and talk to Susannah?" Connie suggested.
"No! I just need to leave. My being here has upset Todd enough. Do you know what it did to him? He flipped out. He started hearing voices. He wants me to stay away forever. I'm just doing what Todd asked now please! Open the door."
Connie did as Kevin asked. As soon as the doors were open he bolted for the elevators.
This time there was no talking himself out of it. He didn't even try. Kevin headed for the nearest bar.
