I can't believe that I'm up to chapter 100. I never thought I'd be able to write 10 chapters, let alone 100.
I want to say thank you to all my readers. You have made this one of the best experiences of my life.
To those who have taken the time to mail me and post about Secrets, in the almost two years that I've been writing it, (two years in October), thank you from the bottom of my heart. It means more to me than you can imagine. I especially want to thank the posters at, (in alphabetical order, VBG!), ATB, MD, RHFC. I don't always get to see your posts, but I've seen enough and heard about them enough to know that I have the kindest, most generous, and intelligent readers any fan fic author could hope for and the feedback you've given me has helped to shape many a chapter.
To those I've become friends with, through the writing of Secrets; you are truly the best thing that's come of it. I never dreamed writing this story would bring such wonderful people into my life.
Many of those who have written to me say they understand that because of RL changes I can't keep up with writing Secrets the way I used to, but wish I could still turn out two chapters a week. LOL! So do I. I miss having the time to work on the story as much as I used to. Well, just for this week, I have written two chapters. I hope you enjoy them.
I also hope all my readers appreciate the amazing job those who are editing Secrets are doing. I'm far from the best typist or proofreader in the world and those who edit my story have their work cut out for them. So once again alphabetically, :) Ke'Anna, Kelly, Sandy, thank you so much for all your hard work, talent and the loving care you give Secrets.
*****
PREVIOUSLY
Kevin was about to leave when Adam stood up and ran over to him. Adam got down on his knees in front of Kevin and pulled on his hands. They all smiled. It was clear to them that Adam remembered how to ask for his favorite activity.
"What a great boy! Adam! Awesome asking for seesaw!" Kevin praised. He got down on his knees and faced Adam. Kevin was so proud of him.
They played for about seven minutes. Adam was getting a little short of breath. It was still a huge improvement in his health. A few weeks ago Todd's body would not have tolerated even two minutes of this activity.
"Okay Adam. Thaaat's enough. It's time for you to start getting sleepy," Kevin said gently as he slowed down and then stopped the game.
"Uh oh!" Adam echoed.
"Great talking!" Kevin reinforced and pulled Adam into his arms. He rumpled Adam's hair and tickled both his neck and tummy.
Adam burst into laughter. "Ehhhhhh" Adam cooed in delight.
"I love your voice, Adam!" Kevin continued to hold and tickle him.
Viki, Susannah, Carl and Dave smiled as they enjoyed watching Adam have fun. Sam smiled sadly. He was happy Adam was having a good time. It was just that he wished he had Kevin's ease in dealing with Adam. He wished it were he who was making Adam so happy.
Suddenly Adam stopped laughing. Kevin felt Adam's body stiffen in his arms as his muscles became tight.
For a second, Kevin was afraid Adam was going to have a seizure.
When "Adam's" hands shot out in front of him and then felt around until they made contact with Kevin's face, Kevin didn't have to wait until he heard the voice call out "what . . . who . . . Viki . . . Viki!" He knew he was holding Todd in his arms.
*****
Kevin was not the only one in the room to panic. Viki and Sam exchanged frightened looks. Susannah and her staff immediately headed for where Kevin sat on the floor, still holding Todd in his arms.
Todd felt the arms around him. For a second he thought he was with his papa, but the arms felt different. Everything was different. It was cold and dark and he was frightened. When he was with his papa everything was safe and warm. He was able to look into Goodone's eyes and feel totally engulfed in love. That was gone. He felt no love, only fear. He knew someone was holding him. It didn't feel like the kind of hold the staff used when they were restraining him. Todd felt the rapid breathing and heartbeat of whoever was holding him. Todd's hands felt Kevin's face. He felt stubble. He felt Kevin's narrow, angular face. He felt the hair on Kevin's head. Todd realized this was not Sam or any of the staff he was familiar with.
Todd's own breathing became even more erratic. "Who's there?" Todd's voice trembled.
Kevin didn't know what to do. He looked up at Susannah. Susannah knew the only thing to do now was to let Todd know he was being held by Kevin. This was not the way she wanted to let Todd know that Kevin was an important part of his treatment and his life. Now there was no choice. Susannah nodded, giving Kevin the go ahead. Viki grasped onto Sam's arm. They both stood frozen.
Kevin was so stunned by this turn of events that he didn't even realize he was still holding Todd. As gently as possible he said, "Todd, it's Kevin. It's all right. I won't hurt you. You're safe."
They could all see the stunned look on Todd's face. "No!" At first Todd mouthed the word. He was too shocked to make a sound. Then he stated to cry out, "no! No! No! Let go of me! No! I didn't do it! I didn't do it. Viki! Sam! Viki!"
It was only when Kevin felt Todd desperately trying to pull away from him did Kevin realized he was still holding him. He quickly let go.
"Sweetheart, we're right here." Viki called out to him.
"We're here, pal. Don't be afraid. We're here," Sam added.
"Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. You're in the dayroom. Carl and Dave are here too. You're safe. No one is going to hurt you."
Todd heard all these voices quickly responding to him. He was so panic-stricken he couldn't understand what was being said to him. He couldn't recognize the voices.
"Todd I don't think you did anything wrong. I'm not going to hurt you." Despite his own panic, Kevin tried to keep his voice calm.
Todd didn't want Kevin to see him crawl. He tried to stand. He became disoriented and lost his balance. Kevin caught him before he fell and eased him back down to the floor. "Todd take it easy. You're going to hurt yourself," Kevin cautioned.
"GET AWAY FROM ME!" Todd shrieked.
"Todd it's Carl. Dave and I will help you to stand up. You need to calm down. We'll each take one of your arms and help you stand. Do you understand what I just said to you?"
Todd didn't. All he could feel was fear and panic. He heard his heart pounding loudly in his ear. Sweat broke out all over his body. He couldn't seem to catch his breath.
Todd felt betrayed. For all the times everyone had told him he was safe he knew he wasn't. They were trying to trick him. Now they were going to let Kevin take him to jail.
Todd tried to stand up again. This time Carl and Dave each took one of his arms.
"NOOOO!" Todd screamed and with all the strength he had he tried to pull away from them. When he couldn't he started to kick out at them.
After a quick glance to Susannah, Carl quickly stabilized Todd's arms at his sides and pulled him into a hold while Dave held his legs. Don, Marcia and Eileen came in to assist. Todd was still weak. That was all the staff they needed. Susannah held Todd's head. He was drenched with sweat.
"Todd, tell us why Kevin being here is so upsetting to you?" Susannah said softly to him.
"LET GO!" Todd screamed.
"You need to calm down first. When you can stay safe we will let you go," Susannah calmly informed him.
Todd tried to move his legs. They wouldn't budge. They were being held securely.
"I HAVE TO GET AWAY! LET GO! PLEASE! I DIDN'T DO IT! LET GO! I TRUSTED YOU! YOU LIED TO ME. YOU ALL LIED TO ME! I HATE YOU!"
"Sweetheart no. We didn't lie to you. Baby please. It's . . ."
Susannah held up her hand to stop Viki from saying anything else at this time.
"How did we lie to you? Tell us Todd. Help us understand. It's okay to tell us," Susannah encouraged him to express himself.
"The Buchanans are paying you to do this. They want to get rid of me. They want me in jail! They sent Kevin here to take me to jail. I DIDN'T DO IT!" Todd started to scream again.
"Todd no one is going to take you to jail. Kevin his here because he cares about you," Susannah explained.
"LIAR! THEY GOT TO YOU! THEY GOT TO VIKI AND SAM. THEY GOT TO ALL OF YOU. KEVIN HATES ME AND I HATE HIM! HE'S HERE TO MAKE SURE I GO TO JAIL!"
Kevin understood Todd knew nothing of his relationship with Timmy, Adam or any of the other alters. Still Todd's words cut through him like a knife. He had hoped that somehow Todd's feelings would have changed.
Todd's struggling increased. Susannah didn't want to have to sedate him. She wanted him to be able to experience his feelings towards Kevin and to express what those feeling were, however he was escalating quickly. He was becoming totally out of control. "Todd, you need to slow your breathing and calm down. I want you to listen to me breathe and try to copy my breathing."
"GO TO HELL! GET AWAY FROM ME. YOU SAID I COULD TRUST YOU! I HATE YOU! YOU WANT HIM TO HURT ME. YOU WANT ME TO GO TO JAIL! I DIDN'T DO IT! ASA PAID YOU! BO WANTS ME IN JAIL! I DIDN'T DO IT!"
"What didn't you do? What is it you think we want to send you to jail for?" Susannah pushed.
"I DIDN'T KILL GEORGIE! I DIDN'T RAPE THOSE NURSES! I DIDN'T! I DIDN'T!" As hard as he tried not to, Todd started to cry. "Why are Viki and Sam doing this to me? Why are they letting Kevin send me to jail?"
Susannah motioned Sam and Viki over to Todd. She and the staff continued to keep him in a secure hold.
"Sweetheart, no one is going to hurt you. We'd never let anyone take you to jail. Never!" Viki promised.
Sam wanted to take Todd in his arms and hold him until he could make him feel safe. He hated seeing him being physically restrained that way. Sam tried to get his thoughts together before he spoke to Todd.
"Todd, we love you. We love you, Boomer. We know you didn't kill Georgie. I'll never let anyone hurt you again. Never." Sam started to cry. He reached out to touch Todd's cheek.
Todd gasped at the feel of Sam's hand. He tried to pull away but couldn't because Susannah was holding his head securely. "DON'T TOUCH ME!" Todd shrieked. Todd didn't understand why. He only knew he couldn't stand for Sam to touch him.
Sam pulled his hand back as if it had been burned. He was devastated. Viki saw how hurt Sam was by Todd's rejection. She felt like she was watching everyone she cared about coming apart at the seams.
"LET GO! I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE! WHY ARE YOU TORTURING ME! YOU WANNA BE RID OF ME AND I WANNA BE RID OF ME. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LET ME DIIIIIIIE!" Todd's struggling increased.
"Todd, you need to calm down and listen. No one thinks you killed anyone. We know you didn't rape those nurses. Todd we all know that. Kevin knows that. He's not trying to put you in jail. Kevin was holding one of your alters when you came out. That's why he had his arms around you. He thought he was holding an alter named Adam," Susannah told him quietly and gently.
"KEVIN KNOWS! YOU TOLD HIM I'M CRAZY! YOU TOLD HIM! OH GOD! HE'S LAUGHING AT ME! YOU MADE A FOOL OUT OF ME! YOU TOLD ALL OF THEM! ASA AND BO TOO? THEY'RE GONNA KEEP ME LOCKED UP FOREVER! IT'S NOT TRUE! IT'S NOT TRUE, KEVIN. IT'S A LIE! THERE ARE NO PEOPLE RUNNING AROUND INSIDE MY HEAD. IT'S A LIE! THEY MADE IT UP TO KEEP ME LOCKED IN HERE! IF YOU PRINT THAT ABOUT ME I'LL SUE YOUR ASS OFF. I'LL TURN THE BANNER INTO A PARKING LOT. IT'S NOT TRUE. ASA'S PAYING EVERYONE TO TELL ME THAT! DO YOU HEAR ME KEVIIIIN! OOOHHHH! I WANNA DIE! YOU CAN'T STOP ME FOREVER. I'LL FIND A WAY!" Todd broke down into sobs. "I'll find a way," he cried quietly, more to himself than to those in the room with him.
Kevin couldn't stand it. He walked over to where they were holding Todd on the floor. "Todd, I don't think you're crazy. I understand. No one is laughing at you. We wouldn't laugh at you any more than we would have laughed at mom when she was sick. I will never print a word about your illness. I don't discuss you with Asa. I haven't even seen him in weeks. Todd, I swear to you, I won't ever again to anything to hurt you. I know I did a lot of terrible things to you. I did try to hurt you and blame you for things you never did. We all did, my whole family. I don't blame you for not trusting me, or any Buchanan. I'll never do anything to hurt you again. I'll never let anyone hurt you again. Man, I swear it. I swear on my dad's grave."
Todd froze at the sound of Kevin's voice. He was becoming confused. He didn't know what to believe. Kevin continued. "Todd, the whole town knows it was Powell who raped those nurses. We know you didn't kill Georgie. Rachel confessed. Remember? Rachel went to Statesville for six months. Everyone knows it was Rachel and not you."
"Rachel went to Statesville?" Todd's chin quivered. "I don't want Rachel in prison. It hurts so much to be in prison. It's my fault. Rachel went to prison because of me. Noooo, I don't want Rachel to be in prison. Téa'll be mad at me. Rachel is her best friend," Todd added in a childlike tone. I don't want them to hurt Rachel. Prison hurts!"
Kevin hated himself for bringing up Rachel. 'Idiot!' he chastised himself.
Susannah loosened her hold on Todd's head. She still held it lightly as she stroked his hair and assured him about Rachel. "It's all right. Rachel is fine. She's out of prison now and staying with her grandparents. She's okay Todd. Rachel was not hurt in Statesville. Bo and Hank made sure she was treated okay. Rachel doesn't blame you. No one does. Téa loves you very much. She's not angry with you at all."
Todd's breathing was starting to slow down. He was calming. With a nod from Susannah everyone loosened his or her hold on him.
Todd was confused. He didn't know if he should believe them about Kevin and the rest of the Buchanan’s. He didn't know if he should believe them about Rachel. He desperately wanted to believe them about Téa.
Suddenly an image of the last time Todd was out flashed through his mind.
"Téa knows you sucked your dad's cock. She was right there and she heard every disgusting little detail. She knows you wanted it. She knows that you let him," Saber taunted.
"NOOOOOO!" Todd screamed.
Susannah and the staff immediately tightened their hold on Todd.
"Todd, what is it. Tell me what's happening." Susannah pressed.
