Chapter Ten
They walked into the doctor's office and noticed that it was completely
empty. Not a single person was waiting to be helped. Walking up to the
registration desk they rang the little bell.
Nurse Lynn walked around the corner smiling but her face fell when she saw
the couple at the desk. 'They're so happy' she thought to herself. "Hello,
come on back" she said. Lance wrapped an arm around Christina and they
walked back. "Please wait in here," Lynn said. They walked in and she shut
the door before she went to get the doctor.
Lance and Christina walked into the room and sat down. This was the
doctor's office, not a regular examining room. On the walls were diplomas
and other certificates, and on the desk was a picture of two children.
They silently sat in the two chairs, across from the desk, holding hands
while they both thought.
Christina's thoughts raced through her mind. 'What could the tests have
shown? The doctor said she thought it was just a bruise. I shouldn't have
made him call. I should not have been so worried. Then we would not be
sitting here today and would be at the beach or relaxing somewhere.
Instead we've had two days of nothing but stress. God I hope he's okay. I
can't imagine my life without him in it. What would I do?' she squeezed
his hand and tried to not cry. Christina gazed at the side of his face.
His bleached blonde hair stood in soft spikes on his head. His face was
baby soft and his green eyes, that usually glimmered, were dull with fear.
His face was sulkened from lack of sleep and the extra stress. Christina
felt the tears form in her eyes but he fought to hold them back. Christina
thought back to three nights ago. She was engaged then and now they were
sitting in a doctor's office waiting to find out what a few tests held for
their future. She was snapped out of her thoughts when the door opened.
She saw the doctor and noticed her facial expression.
The doctor's eyes were sad and disappointed. Even though she held a
professional composure she was obviously upset about something. The doctor
set the chart on the desk and sat in her chair. She opened the chart and
looked at the couple in front of her. They sat holding hands both with
looks of fear.
"I'm glad you could come in today," the doctor said, trying to keep her
voice free of all sadness.
"Yeah, it wasn't a problem." Lance said as he looked to Christina and
squeezed her hand in a reassuring way, then looked back to the doctor.
"Well we have gotten your tests back. The blood we took showed an abnormal
amount of white blood cells." The doctor said then paused.
"And that means?" Lance asked impatiently.
"Well, we ran the same tests and some more on the sample from the knot and
I am very sorry to say that what we found wasn't what I was expecting" the
doctor paused to regain complete composure.
"Please just tell us what you found!" Lance pleaded as he looked to
Christina. She knew that what the doctor was going to say would not be
good but she needed to know. Lance was unsure of what to think all he knew
was that this woman seemed to be trying to avoid the subject.
"Well...we found cancerous cells in the blood surrounding the knot. I have
the feeling that if we biopsy the knot that we will find it is a tumor."
The doctor said.
"Oh my god!" was all that Christina could whimper out. Lance's hand slowly
loosened on hers as he sat in utter shock. She felt the tears from before
work their way forward and fall down her face. Lance turned and looked at
his fiancee. His heart fell as he looked at her saddened face. The tears
running down her face smeared her makeup causing it to streak her cheeks
with black marks. He was trying to let what the doctor said make sense but
it wasn't working. How could he be sick, he felt fine? As he watched
Christina cry his own years began to build then fall down his face. They
looked at each other and could see the fear and hurt in their faces. Lance
looked back to the doctor, she was sitting sadly watching the two people
in front of her. Feeling as though she had just ruined their lives, she
was afraid to talk.
"So what do we do?" Lance asked, quietly still trying to comprehend what
was said.
"We take some more tests. If it is cancer we start radiation and
chemotherapy and hope that we found it early enough." The doctor said. She
hated this part of her job, feeling as though she had ruined someone's
life. Then at times she loved it, like when she saw young couples come in
to find out they are pregnant or just a baby in the office for a check up.
"So you think it could be malignant?" Christina asked through her tears.
"Actually by the shape and size I am pretty sure it's malignant," the
doctor said sadly.
"Excuse me, but I know there are two terms for cancer malignant and
benign...but I don't know which is what they call bad and which is no big
deal," Lance said shyly.
"Lance malignant is what is called bad. It's a big deal. We will need to
remove the tumor and start treatment immediately if that is what the tests
reveal," the doctor said.
"Oh" Lance said, as the lump that had developed in his throat worked it
way up and seemed to completely block his airway. He swallowed hard and
said, "So where do we go from here?"
"We go have that knot tested and the we immediately start treatments if it
is. I'm sorry but that's all I can tell you. There are some new treatments
out there and we will explore all of them if you want. Hopefully I will be
wrong and it will be a cyst or a benign tumor."
"What made the bruise turn to a tumor?" Lance asked trying to comprehend
everything as she said it. Knowing that he would have to be able to
re-explain this to his parents and the guys, and management.
"Well actually, the bruise didn't turn to a tumor. I think you had the
tumor deep below the skin. Then when you bruised the tissue around the
tumor, causing it to swell and become what appeared to be a knot. Allowing
it to be noticeable when looking at the bruised area. The skin probably
didn't change back to a normal color because of the pressure of the
tumor," the doctor explained solemnly, "if you hadn't ran into the table
there is a good chance that you still wouldn't know the tumor was there.
And if it is malignant, then we are lucky to find it now and not when it
had taken over all of the organs in your stomach," the doctor paused as
she looked at Lance and Christina. They were both shocked by what she was
saying. Christina was sobbing into her open hand and clutching Lance with
her other hand. Lance had stopped crying and was now just sitting in
shock. He couldn't talk because of the fear that had taken over his body.
"Well I'll give you a few minutes then will come get you and take you to
have the mass biopsied."
"Thank you doctor." Lance said quietly.
She walked out of the room leaving Christina and Lance sitting
quietly in the room.
"Ann, you haven't said anything in a while." Lance said as he turned to
face her, being sure to use her nickname.
"Sorry" was all she could reply. She looked at him with tears in her eyes,
"Babe, what are we going to do?" she asked.
Lance stood up and pulled her into his arms. She rested her head
against his chest and he laid his on top of it. Christina closed her eyes
to try to block the fear from building up in her body. "We will be okay. I
promise you, we will deal with this and beat it and be strong, and"
Lance's voices broke as his emotions overcame him, "and I'm scared."
Christina looked up to the man she loved and saw all his fear in his face.
She saw the tears running down his face and wiped a few away. She touched
the side of his face as he looked to her as a child does a mother.
Christina caressed his head as she pulled herself together.
'If you've never been strong before be strong now,' she told herself.
Shushbaby...shhh! We'll work through this. I'm sure of it. Come on...we'll
be strong and beat this together. I am sure of it. I will not leave your
side. Remember 'From this moment we'll be together always' I will always
love you."
Lance looked into the eyes of the women who should be his wife someday,
knowing now that it might not happen he was more afraid then ever that he
would lose her. Looking at her he saw the love she held but also the fear.
Nothing came across clearly on her face. He knew that they lived through
each other that neither could stand being apart and that now they could be
apart forever someday. He knew that she had a tendency to try to be
strong, but that in reality she was probably falling apart on the inside.
His heart broke as he looked at her face and realized that he maybe not
live to be 30, or live to dance with her on the wedding day, or have a
child. Everything that he always thought he would be able to do now seemed
impossible. "Yeah we will make it." He said. They held each other crying
as they whispered over and over again that they loved each other.
After ten minutes there was a knock on the door and it slowly opened. Lynn
walked in carrying a chart. She paused when she saw the two standing in
each other's arms crying. She hated this par to of her job. Lynn hated to
seem like the bad person, but it was part of her job.
"Well, let's go get this test over with, so you two can get out of here."
Lynn said. The two let go of each other and grabbed hands then walked out
the door with the nurse. She led them back to a small room and prepared
his skin for the biopsy. She disinfected the area and got the needles
ready. Thirty minutes later she was done. "All done! We'll call you when
the results are in. Oh yeah" Lynn said as she looked to Christina and
Lance "you can't drive home after the medicine I gave you. So you will
have to let her drive. As soon as we have the information from the test
we'll call and set the rest of the process in motion." Lynn finished.
"Okay" they said and stood and walked out of the doctor's office holding
hands. Christina started the truck after they climbed in.
"Better call the group," she said solemnly.
"Can't we just go somewhere and talk first?" Lance asked.
"Where to?"
"Our beach"
"Okay" she replied and then they drove silently to the beach. Sitting in
the silent car was driving Lance crazy, so he leaned over and turned the
radio on. He closed his eyes to avoid the tears from falling. It was their
newest release "Everything I Own". All the girls had pleaded with them to
release it. Christina and Chrissy were the most persistent of all of them
and finally after a year of begging the guys released it as a single.
Now the song meant more then he thought it ever would. He looked
at Christina and saw the tear fall down her face. She had slipped her
sunglasses on and you couldn't see her eyes water, but the tear that fell
gave away the fact that she was crying. Lance realized that this could be
the last song the group ever released. He started to sing lightly as the
words flew into his mind.
"You shelter me from harm,
You kept me warm,
You kept me warm,
You gave my life to me.
You set me free.
You set me free.
The finest years I ever knew.
For all the years I had with you.
And I would give everything I own,
Give up my life my heart my home,
I would give everything I own,
Just to have you back again.
You taught me how to love,
What a time,
What a time,
You never said too much
But should me how.
And I knew from watching you,
That nobody else could ever know.
The part of me that can't let go.
And I would give everything I own,
Give up my life my heart my home,
I would give everything I own,
Just to have you back again.
Is there someone you know,
Loving them so,
Taking them all for granted,
You may lose them one day,
Someone takes them away.
And they don't hear the words you long to say.
Give up my life
Give up my heart,
Everything I own."
Christina felt the tears fall down her cheeks. This song made her
think of the future. Would she one day be saying that she would give
everything up to just to have him back again? She would do anything she
could to help him, and to be with him forever. It didn't matter what it
took she would be there for him. As she pulled the truck up to a parking
lot she wiped her eyes and went to the back of the truck to get the
blanket they kept their spare of the moment trips to the beach. It was
their favorite place to go to be alone. Quietly they walked over to their
spot on the beach. Lance sat down and Christina leaned back against his
strong chest as his arms wrapped around her.
She kissed his arm and laid her head back against him. 'Wonder if we will
still be able to sit like this? Just sitting her silently on the beach
relaxing.' Christina thought to herself. She wiped a few more tears from
her face. This was more then either of them were prepared to deal with.
They hadn't ever started to plan their wedding. It had only been a few
days since they had been engaged and they knew they wanted to get married
in early December of the next year. But now that all seemed so far away
and so unimportant. She hadn't even gotten a chance to call her parents
and tell them she was engaged. Lance hadn't talked to his parents about
his doctor visit and now he had to tell them he probably had cancer. So
much was happening so quickly that it scared them both. They just sat
looking out over the water. It was a calm day and the waves were small.
The perfect day to go swimming or surfing, and there were sea gulls flying
over the water.
"Christina?" Lance said quietly.
"Yeah" she answered trying to keep her voice calm.
"I love you" Lance said then paused, "but I also understand that this is
hard for you to deal with. I know you were prepared for this. Neither was
I, but I would understand if you couldn't deal with all this."
"Lance, what are you talking about?" Christina asked, as she turned in his
arm until she was sitting side ways and could look into his eyes.
"I know that we are engaged, but I also know that I'm not sure how I would
react to my fiancee having cancer. I'm just saying"
"Don't say what you are thinking. I can't leave you, especially not
because you got sick. How could you think that I would abandon you just
because times turned bad? When you put this ring" Christina said as she
lifted her left hand to show their engagement ring, "on my finger I became
yours forever and always. This doesn't change anything. It throws a kink
into the plan we had, but it doesn't change any of my feelings." Christina
said.
"I'm so scared," Lance said. Christina noticed his voice waiver and
quiver. She had never heard him like that before.
"You're always the one saying everything will work out, and to put our
trust in God. So let's believe that this time, and let's say a little
prayer that everything will be fine." They sat there silently praying in
each other's arms. After a little bit they stood and walked back to the
truck.
"Who do I call?" Christina asked as she picked up their cell phone.
"Try JC, he's always got his phone on."
"Okay" she said as she dialed the number.
"Hello" the voice answered quickly after the first ring.
"Chrissy?"
"Yeah, Chris?"
"Uhm...yeah" she answered as she tried not to cry.
"Well?"
"Do you think you could get everyone to meet at Justin's in a little bit?"
"Why?"
"Chrissy...just do it please!" Christina pleaded as she started the truck
and pulled out of the parking lot.
"Of course I will! Are you okay?"
"Yeah...sure I'm perfect." She lied.
"I don't believe you. But I'll make sure everyone's there."
"Thanks Chrissy. See you soon." Christina said as she hung up the phone.
The ride to Justin's was quiet. Both just thinking. Pulling into
the driveway they both noticed all the cars were there. Christina took a
breath as she got out of the truck. She looked at Lance's face. It had
been so soft earlier but now all that she could see was a face full of
fear.
The couple walked into the house to find all their friends sitting
and waiting on them. Christina about lost it when she saw the looks of
concern on all their faces. Shannon was a wreck and had been crying
imagining what it could be. Some sat with red blotches showing that they
had been crying, and other's just sat in utter shock and concern. Lance
and Christina sat on a couch and looked silently to their friends.
"Okay you two what's up?" Shannon asked impatiently.
"Shannon just relax this isn't easy for me and it isn't going to be easy
for any of you, so give us time." Lance said.
"Well what's up?" Justin asked. Nothing was said in response.
"Lance, what did the doctor say?" JC asked. Again they didn't respond.
"Chris...what did he find out?" Chrissy pleaded to know. Neither said
anything; they just sat looking at their friends.
"Damnit, someone say something!" Pam said. Again they wouldn't talk.
"Christina Jo Ann, tell us what is going on!" Rusty and Andy demanded as
they sat holding Kelli and Trisha. They could tell by the look on her
face that she was upset and that it wasn't good news.
"Come on you two spill it!' Joey demanded.
"Please!" Sarah begged. They still wouldn't say anything.
"Lance, please tell us!" Chris said starting to get concerned. He knew
that they were always happy when they were together and that it must be
bad if they weren't smiling and laughing or kissing. Carla watched as
everyone begged. She had known something wasn't right when she heard about
the bruise but had never said anything.
"Okay...James Lance Bass...you better tell me what is wrong before I beat
the holy shit out of you." Shannon said very impatiently.
"Okay...fine don't wait and give me time to think of how to say this" Lance
began, then paused and continued with what the doctor had said. He told
them the results, the options, and everything else that had happened. He
concentrated on his hands while he talked not able to look at anyone's
faces. He looked up as he said, "and that's all of it." Looking from face
to face, Lance could barely stand to look at his friends.
Shannon was
weeping into her hands and Joey and Sarah were trying to calm her down.
Her worse fear, that her best friend would get sick, was coming true
before her eyes. Trisha and Kelli sat with looks of fear on their faces
beside Andy and Rusty, which were concerned about Christina who had
started to cry again. Chrissy laid her head on JC's shoulder to hide the
tears running out of her eyes. Pam sat with wide eyes as the news hit her.
Carla lay reclined against the couch staring at the ceiling, as she
comprehended the news. All of the guys contained looks of fear and worry.
"Are you sure she's right?" Chris asked.
"We're pretty sure. She ran the test at least twice." Lance answered, his
voice had became monotone to keep his feelings from over coming him again.
"Well...what's the first step?" JC asked.
"Unfortunately the first step is that I can't go on tour again. There is
no way I can do it. Especially if these tests come back as malignant."
Everyone sat in shock at the thought of the guys not singing together
anymore. By this time all the girls were crying or had been crying and the
guys were doing their best to stay composed and think things through. "I
don't want to, but I've been thinking about this since I found out, and
it's the only thing I can do. If I want to beat thiswhich I doI am going
to have to concentrate all my energy on it." Lance said.
"Well I won't sing in a group without you." Justin said.
"I want you all to go and finish the tour and start the next. I want you
all to stay together and make it."
"NO we aren't NSYNC with out you. So there's no way we could go out and
sing day after day missing one member of our group." JC said.
"We'll take a short break take some time off...and then when you are over
this we'll come back stronger then ever." Joey said.
"Are you sure? I don't want you all to lose your chance." Lance asked.
"Yeah" they all said in agreement.
"I'm touched but I'm also serious. I don't want you to stop singing
because of this. It is going to affect me and I don't want to mess up your
careers. I want everyone to have a great life. We are friends and I know
you will all be there for me, but you don't have to give up your lives for
me." Lance said as he pulled Christina into his arms. She had stopped
crying but her eyes were red and puffy.
"Enough of this talk. We'll take a year off or so and you'll get better,
then we'll come back and start over again. Hey we wanted some time off,
and this is as good as a time as any. Maybe we can work on releasing a new
CD or something during this time. Anyway let's forget about this for right
now. We can talk about it more after we know for sure." JC said, "Let's go
out back and relax," he said as he pulled Chrissy off the couch.
"Guys, I still have to go talk to my family" Lance said as he stood with
Christina, "I think I better go call them and relax at the condo tonight
and get some sleep."
"We!" Christina said "remember it's we." They said goodbye and walked out
to the truck.
The group spent most of that night in silence and everyone left
early. They hadn't ever thought about one of them getting sick. They had
all played a lot of scenarios out in their head. They had thought about
what ifs but this what if had not crossed their mind. They hadn't ever
thought that there could not be a NSYNC someday. What if he didn't get
better? They all went to bed that night thinking about what ifs and could
bes.
At Lance's condo he sat on the couch with his phone in his hand.
"How do I tell my mom that her only son could have cancer?" Lance asked as
he looked into Christina's eyes. "How do I tell them I'm scared to death?
Why do I have to do this?"
"It's okay baby!' Christina said pulling him into her arms. He laid his
head on her chest and cried. Finally sitting up he slowly dialed the
number of his parents. Christina took one hand into hers and put her other
behind him to caress his hair gently.
"Hello?" the feminine voice answered.
"Stacey?" Lance said.
"Yeah...Lance!"
"Yeah!" Lance answered. He was extremely close to his sister. They had
always been there for each other and he wasn't expecting to hear her voice
when he called. "Is mom and dad there?"
"Hey Bro!" Stacey said cheerfully into the phone, "No they went on a two
day trip. They told you about it didn't they?"
"Yeah I think so."
"What's wrong? You always remember what is going on, you always know where
people are and what they are doing." His sister as more concerned.
"Stacey are you alone?"
"Yeah, Lance what's wrong?"
"Well, I went to the doctor a couple days ago..." Lance continued to
explain the situation and he paused as he heard her start to cry. Lance
could wish to reach out and give her a hug.
"Lance" is all that Stacey could say. It was her baby brother, and now he
could be sick. It was more then she could comprehend at that moment. The
tears were falling down her face, he had just told her a week before that
he wanted to ask Christina to marry him and now he was facing cancer and
treatments. Finally composing herself "what do you want me to do?"
"Nothing...pray for me" Lance said.
"Should I call mom and dad home early? Or come down to Florida?" Stacey
asked.
"No, just stay there and pray, and have mom and dad call when they get
home, or tell them if you think it would be easier and then have them
call. Maybe I will have more results when they come home."
"Lance are you sure I can't do anything?"
"There's nothing that can be done right now. Sis, I need to go for now. I
will call you later when I know more. Or you can call me if you want to
talk. We'll get together soon...promise."
"Okay bye. Love you bro," Stacey said as she hung up the phone.
Lance collapsed against the couch as he turned the phone off. "Are
you okay?" Christina asked gently.
"Guess so...for now at least," he said.
"Come on, we're both tired let's go to bed and relax. It's been a long
day. We'll turn on some music and hopefully get some sleep. Tomorrow's a
new day and things will look better."
"I have to call Johnny and set up a meeting first then I'll be right in."
"Okay," Christina said as she stood and went to the bedroom and waited.
Lance quickly called Johnny and made an appointment for the next day then
went and climbed in bed next to Christina. Both were too emotionally
drained to change clothes and they quickly fell asleep, wrapped in the
only security they had at this time...each other's love.
Chapter Eleven
