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10 Things People Do For Little Kids That Piss Me Off

Guess what?! You get another five minutes of me bitching about little kids! YAY! This one is about things that adults do to little kids, because they think it's cute or funny, but it's really complete bullshit. Then, I'll tell you how it should be done. I'll be counting down from 10. I hope you enjoy.

10. The Itsy Bitsy Spider.
Oh my God, I hate this song so bad. I can't even remember how it goes, but I hate it. See, they waste all this time teaching these kids about a queer little spider when there's serious shit going around. If I was a daycare teacher, I wouldn't waste their time with the stupid spider. Here's the song I would teach them: (to the tune of the itsy bitsy spider) 'The giant scary gunman will blow your organs out. He'll cook you and he'll eat you while you lay and shout. But no one can hear you, because your almost dead. He'll come and get you, the next time you're in bed!' And leave it at that. Scare the shit out of them! Actually, it wouldn't hurt to tell them that the gunman is after them, either. They got to toughen up sooner or later, why not now?

9. Buy Them Toys
Why do people buy their kids toys when they know in another week the kids gonna be bitching because he doesn't have enough. I didn't have any toys when I was little. That's probably why I'm so awesome. Here's what I say we do instead: We let them choose ONE expensive toy for their entire existance. Oops! Did I say expensive toy? I meant a sock puppet with my picture on it. Then, when they cry about how that's all they have, put on a solemn face that makes you look like you care about others and say 'Hey. No complaining. People in Etheopia have it MUCH worse than you.' That shuts kids up, even though you can tell they don't care, and neither do you.

8. Let Them Watch What They Want
I hate it when your sitting there watching the oompa loompa songs on loop when a little kid walks up and he's like 'I want to watch (Barney/Teletubbies/Gay porn)' Then you tell them 'no, we're watching what I want because I could kick the shit out of you.' So then they start crying and say they don't like what you're watching. Well, doesn't it occur to them that you don't like them? So then they cry to their stupid parents, who, by the way, I am so much cooler than. And oh my god! Guess what? Their parents tell you that you're wrong!? That's so gay! Why do little kids get special treatment? I'm a pirate, oompa loompa, viking, pimp, hippo, and a whole bunch of other stuff but I don't walk in a room and have everybody bow down to me and say 'What do you want to watch on TV?? We'll change it for you!!' That's bullshit.

7. Let Them Talk During Movies
I HATE LITTLE KIDS AT MOVIES!! They ask stupid questions and nobody even gets mad! Here's a perfect example. I wasn't really at this movie, but just for the sake of being right I'll pretend I was. Anyways, it was at the Hulk, and every time he came on the screen this little girl behind us (wink, wink... I was there remember?) was like 'IS THAT THE HULK???' and her stupid mom just sat there like 'Yes, hunny.' and didn't even tell her to shut the fuck up. Damn, if I was with a little kid and they asked questions like that, I'd mimmick them for a little bit and then I'd break their neck. They should make little kid zapper guns... hehe...

6. 'What's That On Your Shirt?'
I hate it when adults are like 'What's that on your shirt?' and when the kid looks down, they tap his nose and laugh like it's funny. I hate that. If you're going to do something like that, give the little bastard a good smack! Same goes with 'I've got your nose.' If you're going to do that, really take his nose.

5. Go On a Bearhunt
Did you ever go on a bearhunt? God those were so gay. They bring kids up to Rocky Butte park with this fruity song and give the kids belief that there's bears up there. Then when they're done, the kids start crying and they're like 'Oh darn! We didn't see any bears this time!' I have no alternate solution for this one. Just don't do it if you want to live.

4. Feed Them Three Meals a Day
Why do they get three meals a day. They're one third as big as me, one third as smart as me, and one third as cool as me. Therefore, they should get one third as much food as me. One meal a day. They could live with that. One third as much food, among other things. One third as much attention is a big one on that list. So is one third as much entertainment. That would work just fine.

3. Pretend They Care When They Recite Their Alphabet.
Look, if you want to know how I feel about this one, just click here

2. Let Them Play Games With Good People
By good people, I mean me. That pisses me off badly when you're parents have their friends and their friend's little kid over and you decide you want to play basketball. All of a sudden, this little shit is out there wanting to play with you!! What the hell is that? Adults say it's because they look up to cool people like me. I don't care. I'm better at basketball then them so why do I have to hold back. Then when you don't hold back and you beat them really, really bad then they start crying and you get in trouble. Hey, it wasn't my idea to let them play! Oh I hate little kids. God, I'm letting off a lot of anger though.

1. THAT STUPID NAME GAME!
You know what one I'm talking about!! This pisses me off so bad!! So you're sitting there eating and someone stupid goes over to them and they're like 'Eat your peas, Ernest.' And the kid's like 'My name's not Ernest!' So the adult goes 'I mean, eat your peas Eddie!' And the kid's like 'My name's not Eddie!' And it goes on like this for about a half hour. God that pisses me off so bad. The last time this happened to me. I couldn't help myself. I just let it all out and said 'JIMMY!! HIS GOD DAMN NAME IS JIMMY! YOU FUCKING NAMED THE KID SO REMEMBER IT!!' So I got signed up for therapy because they say I have too much anger. I say you sign their stupid parents up for therapy for having too much stupidness.

That's about all I've got to say for now. I hope you enjoyed.

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