You know what I hate? I hate it when little kids just learned the alphabet and they walk up to you, all showing off and shit. They're like 'I know my ABC's!' like their special or something. Guess what? I know my damn ABCs too!! Okay, let me tell you my story. On Tuesday, this little kid came up to me and started reciting the alphabet for me... I thought he was really gay but I didn't say anything about it because I was getting paid by Regis to be nice to little kids for a whole day. (I'll tell you that story sometime.) Anyways, I just ignored it and continued throwing eggs at old ladies. But, then, when it was time to eat, we all went upstairs and his stupid mom was there. Guess what the first thing that stupid bitch said was?! Yeah, that's right. She was like 'Guess what?! Jimmy learned his ABCs today!' like anybody gave a damn. And then she made him recite them... oh, I lost it right there. It was cool!! I was like 'You know what?! I know my alphabet too!! How come you don't throw a parade for me?!? I bet every kid in Jimmy's kindergarten class knows their alphabet too!! He's not special!!And by the way, they're not called the ABC's! It's the alphabet, stupid!!' So I pulled out a steak knife and chopped every single one of them to pieces as King Kong picked up the house. Yeah, it was sweet.

Why do we need the alphabet anyways? Everyone thinks we need it to speak... why do we need to speak? I'd rather not speak at all then learn my alphabet... dammit I should have told my kindergarten teacher that, just to see the stupid look on her stupid face. I hated her so much. She told me I needed to grow up, so I told her to die and I got in trouble. Man, teachers just don't like me. I'm perfectly nice to them, then they yell at me for practically nothing! It's cheap!

You know what? We should wage war on letters! Do you know how awesome that would be?! Well, here's just a sample for you.

Isn't that sweet? I drew octopus legs on myself because I would be even cooler if I was half octopus. Who wants to help me take out the alphabet? Come on! It's gonna be fun! I have an idea! I'll be recruiting people for the next ten days, and if you want to be in my army, just tell me and I'll write your name under the army list, ok? Actually, I decided it's too much work to add every name who asks me, so I'll just write my own, and you can have the good feeling of knowing your in my army.

This is going to be so much fun! We'll storm kindergarten classes and shit. It'll be completely awesome. Oh! And then we get to take those boxes of that shitty alphabet cereal and light it on fire! Have you ever had that stuff?! I have, and it sucks. And then we also get to tear down schools and stuff! AND we get to dig up John Lennon's body and steal everything from his grave, just because it would be fun.

This is possibly the best idea I've ever had. And it was my idea!! Not yours! AHHAAHAHAHAAHAH!! I'm one evil person. I'm so evil, that I spraypainted a toy gun and help up a gas station with it. Just ask if you want to join my alphabet army, but for now, I'm gonna go and do something that hurts somebody else but makes me look better. Bye!