This is the quotes section, packed to the gills with various sayings I find funny or otherwise interesting. New quotes are added to the bottom of whatever category I deign to put them in... or the top, I forget which. Do not question my judgement. I will bury you!
It's the bottom, I think.
The Simpsons
Nickelodeon
Space Ghost Coast to Coast (and the Brak Show)
Cartoon Network
Other Television
Odd Video Game Quotes
My Friends and I
Miscellaneous
State officer: Hey you! No listening! You hear me?
Homer: (confused) Uh... no?
State officer: You just don't learn, do you?
-Homer Simpson
"I see the light! (Pause) It burns!!!"
-Homer Simpson
"Can't sleep, clowns will eat me."
-Bart Simpson
"Look, Lisa- I'm Baron Von Chickenpants!"
-Bart Simpson
"Jonah! You died the way you lived: inside a whale."
-Bart Simpson
Bart: How about paintball?
Mr. Burns: With only my gun containing real bullets. Excellent.
Bart: Maybe they should all have paint.
Mr. Burns: Hmmm... fine, make it so. Now be a good lad and sand my back.
"Workers fighting for survival, staking their territory, and battling to the death for it. It's like an enormous ant farm. Especially Sector 4-G with the giant mutated ants."
-Mr. Burns
"That was more fun than the Falklands War I caused... and much less expensive."
-Mr. Burns
Mr. Burns: Look, Smithers! A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction!
Smithers: Uh, sir, I think that's a rock.
Mr. Burns: Well, we'll see what the labs have to say about that.
(Lenny walks into Mr. Burns' office.)
Mr. Burns: Okay, Leonard, I'm a good sport; if you can explain why I shouldn't fire you without using the letter 'e', then you can keep your job.
Lenny: (Confused) Uh, ok... um, I'm a good work, guy...
Mr. Burns: You're fired.
Lenny: But I didn't say 'e'!
Mr. Burns: Oh, you will.
(Mr. Burns pushes a button on his desk. A trap door opens up beneath Lenny, causing him to plummet.)
Lenny: Eeeeeeeeeeeee.... (Falls out of hearing range)
"I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms."
-Mr. Burns, whose head is being played like a bongo by Homer
"Sir, I've replaced all the soda with an uncaffinated, sugar-free brand, and the workers are back to normal. Except for Lenny who was made queen of Sector 4-G."
-Waylon Smithers
"Eh, slave labor, you get what you pay for."
-Lisa Simpson
"Oh, no! Bart has stolen the elderly!"
-Lisa Simpson
"Does this mean we won't be having the monkey circus and fireworks display?"
-Lisa Simpson
Marge (Voice-Over): I tried to resist, but they applied powerful mind-confusion techniques.
Kang: Look behind you!
Ralph: (pointing at a large rock) And that's where I saw the leprechaun.
Bart: Riiight, a leprechaun.
Ralph: He told me to burn things.
"Aw, you've done grand, laddie! Now you know what you have to do; Burn the house down. (Angrily) Burn 'em all!!!"
-Ralph's Leprechaun (The Simpsons, 'This Little Wiggy')
"My cat's name is Mittens."
-Ralph
"My cat's breath smells like cat food."
-Ralph
"Senor Ding Dong!!! But I thought you were just a marketing gimmmick!"
Senor Ding Dong: There was a time when that was true; but now, I am so much more.
Sherpa 1: I foresaw your death last night.
Sherpa 2: Stop saying that.
Lou: Another case of Monopoly-related violence, Chief.
Wiggum: (Disgusted) How do those Parker Brothers sleep at night?
Gabriel: Bart, you'll do anything for attention- CUT THAT OUT!
Bart: (wearing a beard of bees) They chose me.
"Homer, your problem is simple; you're a drunken, childish buffoon."
-Gabriel
Bart: B-6!
Homer: Gasp! You sunk my scrabbleship!
Lisa: This game makes no sense!
"Litter is my most treacherous foe. I would like to eat its children."
-Drederick Tatum
Homer: (Yelling) In your face, space coyote!
Marge: Space coyote?
"Enjoy the show, for one day we shall die."
The Usher at Cirque Du Puree
"Destroy the human infidels! Destroy them until they're dead!"
-Manservante, (Angry Beavers, 'The Day Things Got Really Screwed Up!')
"Bogey down! Repeat, bogey down! Shoot the little... shoot the little missile thingies at it, and make it go away!"
-Our Esteemed Military Commander (Angry Beavers, 'The Day Things Got Really Screwed Up!')
Daggett: I'm guilty, Norbert! Guilty as a sasquatch in a pudding factory!
Norbert: Sasquatch in a pudding factory?
-Angry Beavers
"Plankton! You used me... for land development!!!
-Spongebob (Spongebob Squarepants)
"It's hopeless, Spongebob! People will always walk all over you. You're just like stairs!"
-Plankton (Spongebob Squarepants)
"Gee, and I thought you were stupid."
-Plankton (Spongebob Squarepants)
"You can't do this to me, Krabs! I WENT TO COLLEGE!!!
-Plankton (Spongebob Squarepants)
Cosmo: The good news is, I've named my nickel Phillip!
Alien King: And the bad news?
Cosmo: It's a girl nickel!
-Fairly Oddparents
Mr. Crocker: May I offer you a chair?
Cosmo: Certainly! May I offer you a fish?
-Fairly Oddparents
Chuckie: Tommy, that's not soap- that's mustard!
Tommy: Close enough.
-Rugrats
Zim: Do you realize what this means, Gir?
Gir: Yes. (Pauses) Waitaminute. No.
-Invader Zim
Dib: You can't make me look, I'll just close my eyes!
Zim: Oh, you'll open them... you'll have to breathe sometime.
Dib: No, I'll- wait, what do my eyes have to do with breathing?
-Invader Zim
"I anything can't do right since because pickles."
-Spongebob (Spongebob Squarepants)
Von Strangle: I'm here to make men out of all of you.
Wanda: Even us women?
Von Strangle: (Brief pause) Yes.
-Fairly Oddparents
(Zim is frantically trying to call Gir.)
Zim: Gir! Where ARE you?!
Gir: Hi!
Zim: Finally! I need your help! I've been captured!
Gir: Yaaay!
Zim: No, that's bad!
Gir: Yaaay!
Zim: I need you to listen very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very carefully.
Gir: Whuh?
-Invader Zim
"Flicking doorknobs is illegal on other planets."
-Spongebob (Spongebob Squarepants)
Almighty Purple: Zim again. We really should have sent him on a mission to a sun, or a planet of broken glass.
Almighty Red: Or one of those exploding head planets.
-Invader Zim
"Ah... the stink of clean."
-Zim (Invader Zim)
"I'm gonna roll around on the floor a bit, okay?"
-Gir (Invader Zim)
"If I don't make it, tell my dad... he's weird."
-Timmy (Fairly Oddparents)
Mrs. Bitters: Zim!
Zim: Sir!
Mrs. Bitters: There's a pigeon on your head. You've got headpigeons. Go to the nurse before they spread to the other children.
-Invader Zim
Dib: Mrs. Bitters? Can I see the nurse? I think I've got a pencil lodged in my brain.
Mrs. Bitters: How far in your brain?
Dib: ...Pretty far.
-Invader Zim
"Did that scare you too?"
-Almighty Purple (Invader Zim)
"I'm gonna make toast!"
-Gir (Invader Zim)
Gir: Do a little dance!
Zim: No!
-Invader Zim
"Now, to unleash screaming, temporal doom!"
-Zim (Invader Zim)
Zim: Nooo!!!!
Gir: Yay, we're doomed!
-Invader Zim
"But I need tacos, or I'll explode!"
-Gir (Invader Zim)
"I love the little tacos. I love them good."
-Gir (Invader Zim)
"You can hide, Zim, but you can't...(pauses)...hide."
-Dib (Invader Zim)
"Have my plans always been this lame?"
-Dib (Invader Zim)
"Goodbye everyone, I'll remember you all in therapy."
-Plankton (Spongebob Squarepants)
"More soup for your armpits, sir?"
-Spongebob (Spongebob Squarepants)
"Back in Texas we called ice cream 'frozen cow juice'."
-Sandy (Spongebob Squarepants)
"TAKE ME TO ROBOT PIRATE ISLAND! I WANT TO ARM WRESTLE WITH COWBOYS ON THE MOON!"
-Squidward (Spongebob Squarepants)
"Hooray Gary, we're finally huge!"
-Spongebob (Spongebob Squarepants)
"Just look at him. Square; the shape of evil!"
-Plankton (Spongebob Squarepants)
"Coin-operated self destruct... not one of my better ideas."
-Plankton (Spongebob Squarepants)
"Itching! IN MY BRAIN!!!"
-Some random kid from Invader Zim
Lackey: What are you doing here?
Dib: Uh... what are you doing here?
Lackey: Using... mind tricks... Grah! (Clenches head in pain)
-Invader Zim
"This town should be destroyed! Or at least painted a different color."
-Squidward (Spongebob Squarepants)
"I love messing things up."
-Plankton (Spongebob Squarepants)
Spongebob: Do souls look like pickles?
Mr. Krabs: As a matter of fact, they do.
-Spongebob Squarepants
"I've come for your pickles!"
-Squidward (Spongebob Squarepants)
-Space Ghost Coast to Coast (and The Brak Show)-
Brak: ...and I want a book about lightning, and a glass hat, and a magical fortress made of rainbows...
Moltar: Brak!
Brak: Yes?
Moltar: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Brak: With rocks.
Brak's Dad: So then I get a letter saying, "Please stop sending deviled eggs to the bishop."
Brak's Mom: Maybe you could change your recipe.
Brak's Dad: (Angrily) My deviled eggs are perfect! The bishop is a fool.
Brak's Dad: Again with the jar; what are you doing, building a monster? (Pauses) Oh, that's right- you are! How's that going, by the way?
Brak's Mom: Very nicely, thank you.
"I see here that the Carnival of Feet is coming to town this weekend."
-Brak's Dad
"Brak, remember that even though a man may have more hairs on his head that there are stars in the sky, that does not mean that he can plan a successful party that movie stars will attend and enjoy- responsibly."
-Brak's Dad
Brak: Hey, what's that over there?
Thundercles: (pointing) The Sword of Slaughter!
Brak: Oh boy! What's that over there?
Thundercles: (pointing) Cannon of Fear!
Brak: How 'bout that?
Thundercles: Missiles of Unmentionable Terror!
Brak: What's that? Is that a beach ball?
Thundercles: No! It is the Battle Sphere of Doom!
Brak: What, what d'you think that thing is?
Thundercles: That's a light switch.
Brak: (disappointed) Uh-huh.
Thundercles: (raising arms) Of Total Devastation!
Brak: Ya don't say?
Zorak: Hey! Why're you all still alive?
(Brak's mom and dad look at each other)
Zorak: Oh, that's right, it's only Tuesday. Ah well, let's get to the Foot Carnival!
"Moltar, release the taco!"
-Space Ghost
"Can we do that again? I haven't had this much fun since I chased my hamster all the way to St. Louis!"
-Brak
Thundercles: State your name.
Brak: Sausage Mahoney!
Zorak: Okay, here's the plan. First we go back [in time] to Friday.
Brak: Then we build a kite of squirrels and fly to the moon!
Billy: L-look, it's Santa! Santa Claus!!!
Mandy: That's not Santa, you stooge. That's the Grim Reaper.
Billy: Do I still get presents?
-The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy
"You'll have to forgive Billy; he's an idiot."
-Mandy (The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy)
"I have no idea what he meant, but by gum, that orphan boy is right! Oh so right..."
General Specific (Sheep in the Big City)
Carl: And then the Ice Age came, and cavemen used snowballs for money, and polar bears directed traffic, and ravenous chickens roamed the prairie!
Johnny: None of that story is true, is it Carl.
Carl: No. I made it all up to get attention.
-Johnny Bravo
"Birds? I don't like birds. They always make fun of me!"
-Courage (Courage the Cowardly Dog)
Rolf: I respect your vow to uphold the sticky notes of your elders. (Straps on a gigantic hat roughly 15 feet tall. It is a large hammer.)
Edd: (Nervously) What is that?
Rolf: The Hat of Discipline. Do you live in a cave?!! (Leans over, smashing Edd with the hat.) All is forgiven. (Walks away.)
-Ed Edd 'n Eddy
"If George Washington used snails instead of greyhounds to pull his sleigh, then there'd be no trees for Honest Abe to shout from the highest mountain!"
-Mayor (The Powerpuff Girls)
Professor Utonium: Bring it on, daddio.
Mojo Jojo: Oh, that is so lame. You will pay for your use of inappropriate dialogue!
-The Powerpuff Girls
Generic Superhero: Don't push that button!
Johnny: Aw, now I have to. (Pushes button; the superheros are sucked out into space.) Good thing there's lots of air in space! (pauses) Wait, no there isn't.
-Johnny Bravo
"Never use hot wax to soothe enraged lobsters!"
-Rolf (Ed Edd 'n Eddy)
"Plank, I TOLD you bunnies would one day take over the world- and they have!!!"
-Johnny (Ed Edd 'n Eddy)
"Well Johnny, on a scale of 1 to 10, you're an idiot."
-Luke Perry (Johnny Bravo)
Guard: Name?
Johnny: Johnny Bravo.
Guard: Occupation?
Johnny: Johnny Bravo.
-Johnny Bravo
"Have pity as I cannot control my brain!"
-Ed (Ed Edd 'n Eddy)
"I am the cotton swab. Where is the wax, ear person?"
-Ed (Ed Edd 'n Eddy)
Big Guy: (Looks at a mailbox) Hmm... (Crushes the mailbox with his foot)
Rusty: Um, Big Guy? Isn't that a federal offense?
Big Guy: The only offense is the way that mailbox was laughing at me.
-Big Guy and Rusty
"Quiet, son- you'll scare the fish!"
-Big Guy (Big Guy and Rusty)
Nina: You think you're the smartest person on Earth, don't you?!
Dick: For the last time, YES!!!!
-3rd Rock from the Sun
"...and remember: when you're thinking of Giant Heads, think of the Big Giant Head."
-The Big Giant Head (3rd Rock from the Sun)
"If I were a man with gills, (pause) then I would be a fish!"
-Ryan Stiles (Whose Line is it Anyway?)
"Yes, I am the Lord of the Chickens!"
-Colin Mochrie (Whose Line is it Anyway?)
"I remember the sewers. It was 1945... (pauses) ...that's all I remember."
-Colin Mochrie (Whose Line is it Anyway?)
"And remember, when a tool says Binford... GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! TOOLS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO TALK!!!"
-Tim Taylor (Home Improvement)
Man 1: Sir, it's a giant pig!
Man 2: We haven't been practicing our giant pig maneuvers!
Man 3: Wait- we have giant pig maneuvers?
-Digimon
"(Crying) What are we going to do, Growlmon? I can't afford oil-based paint!"
-Takato (Digimon)
"I've always wanted to eat fried dough in the most corrupt city on Earth."
-Dale (King of the Hill)
Garth's Mom: How would you like your coffee?
Wayne: The same way I like my women.
Garth's Mom: Oh? How's that?
Wayne: Milk and two sugars.
Garth's Mom: (puzzled) What does that mean?
Wayne: (pauses) I don't know.
-Saturday Night Live
"Superheroes and evil twins go together like peanut butter and... EVIL peanut butter!"
-Earthworm Jim
"When society says jump, we say 'Pass the salt'."
-The Tick
Elf 1: We stole man's fire and tried to hide it in our pockets.
Elf 2: That was painful and dumb.
-Freakazoid!
Elf 1: Can you make slow, overweight birds appear out of thin air?
Rathgar: Yes, but I won't.
-Freakazoid!
Andy: You're the smartest kangaroo I've ever met.
Kangaroo: Thanks, but you must not have met many of us, because in the Kangaroo World I'm borderline retarded.
-Andy Richter Controls the Universe
"Hey, what smells like blue?"
-Fry (Futurama)
"Daddy! You're back from Peru! We thought you had been run over by an elevator!"
-Bugs Bunny, confusing Wile E. Coyote
"I'm just trying to protect you from your thoughts, feelings, and instincts!"
-Peggy Hill (King of the Hill)
"If you would like a transcript of this news broadcast, learn to write really fast."
-Kevin Nealon (Saturday Night Live)
Nikki: What do you like on your salad?
Drew: Pie.
-The Drew Carey Show
Drew: My mom always said, "God never closes a door without opening a window."
Earl: My mom always said, "CLOSE THE DAMN DOOR OR I'LL THROW YOU OUT THE WINDOW!!!" (Face twitches)
-The Drew Carey Show
Natron: I am the devourer of souls...
Warp Darkmatter: That can't be good.
-Buzz Lightyear of Star Command
"Don't worry, my years of military training will take over... Sir! How would you like your sideburns? ...No, I... give me a minute."
-Bill (King of the Hill)
"You're a yo-yo... shut up, you yo-yo..."
-Shake (Aqua Teen Hunger Force)
Ron: It's Draken's evil twin!
Kim: Draken's already evil.
Ron: Okay, now I'm confused.
-Kim Possible
Gen. Thorton: How many fingers do you see, Big Guy?
Big Guy: Thursday.
-Big Guy and Rusty
"He was playing me like you play a fish. I can't make it much clearer than that."
-Colin Mochrie (Whose Line is it Anyway?)
"When we hit the bullseye the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards...checkmate!"
-Capt. Zapf Brannigan (Futurama)
"I knew it! It's some guy in a helmet!"
-Dash O'Pepper, Freakazoid!
"You are a remarkable twit, you know that?"
-Lord Bravery, Freakazoid!
"We interupt our regularly scheduled program to bring you this message: I love you."
-Narrator, Freakazoid!
"I will trust his unknown potential power!"
-Zero (Mega Man XTreme 2)
"Laguz Island in the Southern Ocean. Here is where the Reploid Research Lavatory is located."
-Narrator, Mega Man XTreme 2
"What's this place? Hm! The enemy is coming!"
-X (Mega Man XTreme 2)
"Now is not the time for talk, now is the time to destroyed!"
-Sigma (Mega Man XTreme 2)
"Fu Fu Fu Bwah ha ha!"
-Sigma's first attempt at evil laughter (Mega Man XTreme 2)
"Hee hee hee."
-Sigma's second attempt at evil laughter (Mega Man XTreme 2)
"The playtime is at an end..."
-Sigma (Mega Man XTreme 2)
"Hm! You have great hidden strength for one clothed like a plumber."
-Master (Paper Mario)
"Your lives that I spit on are now but a caricature of a cartoon drawn by a kid who is stupid!"
-Fawful (Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga)
"Grr! ...becoming disgusted in strange atmosphere completely... Right, Teddy?"
-Rebecca (Yugioh: Nightmare Troubadour)
"Now that's your safe, let's go!"
-You (Yugioh: Nightmare Troubadour)
"Don't lick the train track in the middle of winter."
-Slash
"Bing! ...with Retsin!" (Repeated endlessly)
-Vraxis
"Fish can't swim in Jello."
-Vraxis
"Fish can not live in the melted cheese you have flung upon the ceiling."
-Vraxis
"Line the bathtub with fur."
-Vraxis
"Three Ocelots play here."
-Vraxis
"Look! It's Elvis being apprehended by Stormtroopers!"
-Vraxis
"Now, what I am about to show you is so secret that I just decided not to show you. (To someone else) Shoot them all."
-Vraxis
Bigman: I thought about dropping out of high school and getting my GDA.
Zandor: GED.
Bigman: Yeah, that.
"I don't like it! It smells like... (odd look on face) ...greeeeeen...
-Lzffsmog
"He fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
-Lzffsmog
"Life is like a box of chocolates... I HATE COCONUT!!!"
-Zandor 12
Science Teacher: You jump out of an airplane. What are you under the influence of?
Zandor 12: Stupidity!
German Teacher: Most of you are good kids, but I know that some of you are doing things that you'd rather I not know about.
Zandor 12: (Yelling) I admit it!!! I'm the one that cancelled 3rd Rock from the Sun!!!
"When someone says to you 'Let me show you my true form', then grows to seven times their original size and starts firing lasers at you, that's almost never a good sign."
-Zandor 12
"Ever notice how in anime, 90% of all aliens look exactly like humans and speak perfect english?"
-Zandor 12
"Let me tell ya, never try to tickle a wolverine."
-Zandor 12
Vraxis: I don't believe in 10-10-220.
Zandor 12: You don't believe it exists?
Vraxis: No, it's against my religion.
Zandor 12: What's your religion?
Vraxis: I don't remember.
Zandor 12: Why did the beaver cross the road?
Bigman: Because it was stapled to the rabbit.
*beat*
Zandor and Bigman: *two minutes of continuous laughter*
"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers."
-William Shakespeare
"Ladders are used for climbing up and down."
-Blast Chamber Instruction Manual
"A kind word turneth away wrath, but not as effectively as superior firepower."
-Unknown
"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."
-Unknown
"And so we meet again, for the first time."
-Unknown
"Do you want me to come with you as you dive deeper into madness, or should I wait in the car?"
-Chan (Hsu and Chan)
Chan: By the way, your pants go on your legs, not your arms.
Hsu: Ah, that'll make driving much easier!
-Hsu and Chan
"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."
-Herm Albright
"When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty, I read them openly. When I became a man, I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
-C.S. Lewis
"You may say that I'm a moron, and I say to you, yes. But I am a moron with a dream, and that, my friends, is the most dangerous kind of moron."
-Adam Long
