The Richard Simmons Poem
Richard Simmons is so great
I love to watch him masturbate
Of Stubby’s clit I think he ate
He helps everyone to lose weight
Except this one lady, whose name was Kate
See, he went with her on a date
God, what a terrible twist of fate
They saw Mick all filled with hate
They made him get all irate
He tossed their ass over a gate
For eight months later, Richard’s period was late
Searching forever for his mate
Till finally, he found a guy named Nate
Nate had sex with fishing bait
He charged Richard at an hourly rate
Richard left on a train, I think it was a freight
Okay, we sorta missed the April Fools Day deadline, so instead, we'll have May Fools day! Uhm, we start this story in Craig's bedroom, where someone has unhooked all of his furniture from the ceiling, and has put it all in the floor. Then, they took his dresser drawers, emptied it's contents, and stored them all in the bottom of his closet. All of them, that is, with the exception of his undies, which are hanging in the trees outside.
Craig: (groggily) Dude...why the hell am I in the floor?
Craig goes over to put on some clothes.
Craig: What the fuck?
Craig looks around in a panic, and sees his favorite blow-up doll sticking out from under the closet door. Craig panics.
Craig: (silence)
The blow-up doll begins hissing out air.
Craig: Grrrrrrrr....goddamn ass dwelling people...
Craig's phone rings. He picks up the receiver.
Craig: (breathing heavily) So... what are you wearing?
Person On The Other End: Uhhh... I think I have the wrong number...
The person hangs up.
Craig pushes *69. He dials 'em up, and they answer.
Person: Hello.
Craig: (deep sexy voice)Hello. So, what ARE you wearing?
*Note to Readers: For humor purposes only, the person is a guy. His name is Pete. Now, it's for humor purposes, 'cause we all know that Craig wouldn't wanna phone sex a guy. We don't think. Dattie, are you a queer?
Pete: I'm wearing a string bikini and a woman's bra.
Craig: Oh, yeah. Okay...so...what do you do?
Pete: I'm a Chippendale's dancer.
Craig: Oh, yeah. A dancer. That means you must be pretty athletic.
Pete: Yeah, I guess.
Craig: Yeah....all those hard, tight, scantily clad bodies pressing against one another...
Pete: Yeah, it gets pretty hot and heavy...(chuckles)...
Craig: My, GOD, I want to fuck your girlfriend....
Pete: I don't have a girlfriend. I'm gay.
Craig: What?!?!?
Pete: All of us Chippendale dancers are gay!!!
Craig slams down the phone.
Craig: Damn fruit. Don't fucking call me anymore, you queer!!!
Okay, now we cut to the outside. We see the Puppy-Kitten pen. We zoom in onto the Puppy-Kitten pen. There we see the goddamn kitchen table along with Shawn on top of it. Wait, there's someone else on the goddamn kitchen table. Who could that be? We need to zoom in a bit closer... AW SHIT!! IT'S FUCKING GREEN DAY!! AND THEY'RE FUCKING NAKED! ZOOM OUT! ZOOM OUT!! ZOOM OUT, GODDAMMIT!!! Now we're at a safe distance. Damn that was close. Okay, so Green Day is there, and they are spooning naked on the goddamn kitchen table with Shawn.
Shawn: (waking up, and rubbing the thigh that is behind him) Who's there? Sidney Jack-Daniels, is that you??
Billie Jo: Ummm.... yeah, it's me. Sidney Jack-Daniels.
Shawn: Wait a goddamn minute... You didn't say 'Buuzzzzzxxx' and you never call yourself Sidney Jack-Daniels, goddammit!
Billie Jo: I, uh, I, uhm, I decided to talk straight!
Shawn: Oh, okay.
Shawn closes his eyes, and trys to go back to sleep.
Tre: (to Billie Jo) That was close, man!!
Shawn opens his eyes.
Shawn: WHO IN THE GODDAMN HELL IS THAT?
Billie Jo: Uh, uhm....
Shawn: Answer me you sum bitch!!
At the moment, Sid flies by in the air on a razor scooter, and waves at Shawn.
Sid: Buzzz...what hell you doing, Shawn??
Shawn: Goddammit! I'm talking to you behind me!!!
Sid looks over behind Shawn, and crashes into a tree.
Sid: Buuuzzz....buzzz...OH SHIT!! GROSS! I'M BLIND!!! GREEN DAY! FUCK!! Buzzz.....
Sid flies off as fast as he can.
Shawn: (to himself) If Sid is behind me... and Sid just flew by... but Sid is still behind me... then I must be dreaming.
Shawn closes his eyes to go back to sleep.
Mike: (rubbing on Billie Jo's ass) That was close, baby...
Shawn: WAIT A GODDAMN MINUTE!!! SID DOESN'T SMELL LIKE FUCKING DOG SHIT!
Shawn turns over to face Billie Jo.
Billie Jo: Uh, oh....
Shawn: DAMN RIGHT, YOU MOTHER FUCKER!!! YOU GONNA DIE, YOU SUM BITCH!!!
Shawn begins choking Billie Jo, while Tre and Mike run away naked.
Tre runs into Mick.
Tre: (to self) Oh shit...
Mick: Grrrrr....what hell are you doing...
Tre: Uhm... I... Ummm....
Mick: Grrrrr...ANSWER ME!!
Tre says the first thing that pops in his head.
Tre: Your friends bought you a male stripper for your birthday, and I'm here to dance for you!!!!!
Tre begins dancing around in front of Mick.
Mick: (shivering) GRRRRR!!!!! STOP!!!!
Tre continues dancing.
Mick: Grrrrr....going blind....
Mick begins blindly clubbing Tre.
Mick: Grrrrrdamn....don't...swing....that...way....Grrrrr.....
When Mick has finally killed Tre, he throws his body behind a Pine tree.
Meanwhile, Mike has ran into Joey.
Joey: Dude, what the fuck are you doing?
Mike: Uhm... I'm jogging!!
Mike begins jogging in place.
Joey: Naked?
Mike: Uh, yeah!
Joey: Around my house?
Joey points to the camper.
Mick: Uhm. Yeah, sure.
Joey: You know what?
Mike: Huh?
Joey: I don't like you. So you know what I'm going to do?
Mike: What?
Joey grins, and begins clawing the fucking shit out of Mike. This goes on for a few minutes until Mick walks up.
Mick: Grrrrr...let me...
Joey steps back, as Mick starts clubbing Mike.
Mick: Grrrrrdamn naked fruits.....
We flash back to Shawn. Shawn is still choking Billie Jo, who has turned blue.
Shawn: YOU STUPID MOTHER FUCKER!!! I WILL KILL YOU FOR THAT!!!
Billie Jo's body goes limp.
Shawn: Fucking, there.
Mick and Joey walk up covered in blood.
Shawn: What the hell happened to you two?
Mick: Grrr....naked---
Joey: (jumping around excitedly) NAKED UGLY MEN!! NAKED UGLY MEN!! WE KILLED THEM!!! WE KILLED THE NAKED UGLY MEN!! YEAH!
Mick slaps Joey for interrupting him.
Joey: (rubbing his right cheek) Ow...
Shawn: So you got those other two fuckers, huh?
Mick: Grrrrr...yeah....
Shawn: Let's go in. Flies are starting to swarm around my naked ass.
Joey: Did you ever think of putting some damn clothes on?
Shawn: It crossed my mind once or twice.
Mick: Grrrrrr!!!! Wait!!!! Eight puppy-kittens are missing!!! Only 4,318 in pen!!!! Eight missing!!!
Mick runs off panicking and looking for his missing puppy-kittens.
Joey: (bouncing again) Look what we did while you were sleep!!!
Joey points to the tree that has Craig's underwear hanging on it.
Shawn: When did you get back anyway?
Joey: Last night. Oh yeah! I brought gifts back! We need to find everybody, so I can pass them out!
Shawn: Mick! Where the fuck did you go?
Mick walks back up.
Joey: (bouncing) GO FIND THE OTHERS!! GO FIND THE OTHERS!!
Mick: Grrr...okay...
Mick walks off to find the rest of Slipknot.
Shawn: Why the hell did you go to New York anyway?
This is when Martin Luther
Martin Luther King Jr.: HE HAD A DREAM!
Martin Luther King Jr. disappears into thin air.
Shawn: What the FUCK was that?!
Joey: Damn if I know.
Joey sits down beside a naked Shawn in a big patch of poison oak.
Shawn: GODDAMMIT!!! WHY THE HELL AM I ITCHING!!!
Joey: Will you please put on some clothes?
Shawn: No.
Joey: Uhmm... you'll quit itching!!
Shawn: Hell yeah I'm putting some clothes on then!!
Shawn runs over to the goddamn kitchen table, puts his clothes on, then goes and sits back down in the poison oak.
Shawn: That's better...
Shawn lays down in the poison oak.
Joey: Um.. Shawn? You're lying in poison oak.
Shawn: No, I'm not, goddammit!! Well, if I'm lying in it, then you're sitting in it!
Shawn looks over and notices the bucket that Joey is sitting on.
Shawn: GodDAMMIT!!
Shawn and Joey hear a shattering sound. Corey comes rolling out of the camper window with his penis stuck in a jar.
Shawn: Corey! Why in the goddamn hell is your fucking dick stuck in a jar?!
Joey: And why did you come out through the window?
Corey: SUCK ME OFF HARDER, DENISE!! YES!! THAT'S RIGHT!! RIGHT THERE! RIGHT FUCKING THERE!!
Corey notices Shawn and Joey sitting on the ground staring at him.
Corey: (waving) Hi. Mick told me to get my perverted ass out here.
Corey pulls the jar off of his crotch. The jar makes a loud suction popping sound. He then sits down beside Joey.
Corey: Here. Have a jar.
Corey hands Joey the jar he had on his crotch.
Joey: Um, thanks.
Joey throws the jar over his left shoulder. The jar hits Chris in the face, and gets stuck on his nose.
Chris: Ooo!! A jar!
Chris begins smelling the jar.
Joey: Sit down, dude.
Chris sits down and continues smelling the jar.
Chris: What the hell is this smell!!
Corey: Nads.
Chris: No, it's not!! It's something else!
Corey shakes his head.
Corey: It's fucking nads, dude.
Chris: No! It's not fucking nads!!
Shawn: (snatching the jar from Chris) YES IT IS, GODDAMMIT!! IT'S COREY'S FUCKING CROTCH!! I SAW IT IN THERE!
Shawn throws the jar, and it shatters against the camper.
Chris: (hanging his head) That's fucking sick, man.
Joey: What the hell is taking them so long...
Joey looks to his left, and sees Mick walking toward him with Paul, Sid and Craig.
Joey: (to Mick) Where's Jim, dude?
Mick: (pointing to the direction where he had come from) Grrrr...somewhere back there...he's coming...
The four sit down. Not in the poison oak though.
5 minutes later...
Joey: Dammit, what's taking him so long!!
Shawn: GET YOUR GODDAMN ASS UP HERE!!!
Jim comes stumbling up to the group, and falls face first into the poison oak.
Jim: Ow, dammit.
Joey: What the hell is wrong with you?
Jim: Ummm... Uh... had... seven joints....
Joey: Sit your ass up. (bouncing) I got some shit for you guys!!
Jim: You got food? I'm hungry...
Joey: Shut up.
Jim: What? You on the rag again, ain't you?
Joey: What did I just say?
Jim: I dunno, but I know what I just said!
Joey: Shut up, dude. Just shut up.
Shawn: DAMMIT!!! My damn ass is itching again!!
Joey: (bouncing and spinning) Okay! The shit I brought back!
Jim: Did you bring food?
Joey glares at Jim.
Jim: What? Did you bring me a hoagie back?
Joey: (floating) DON'T MENTION THAT WORD.
Joey settles back down and pulls out a bag.
Joey: (digging through the bag) Okay... Mick.. this is yours...
Joey pulls out a new Hickory stick club.
Mick: Grrrrr....perfect for today...
Joey starts digging in the bag again.
Joey: Shawn.... here... new Snapple bottles.
Shawn: (grinning) Aw, hell yeah!!! I've been needing some more of these!!
Shawn grabs his new Snapple bottles and runs over to the puppy-kitten pen to fill his new bottles with shit.
Joey: (digging in his bag) Here, Sid! 18 boxes of Ex-Lax!!
Joey tosses Sid the Ex-Lax.
Sid: Buuuuzzzzxxx... ooo!!! Yay!!!
Joey: Chris!
Chris stops stroking his nose, and looks up at Joey.
Chris: Huh?
Joey tosses Chris the Martha Stewart Topless Christmas Special video.
Chris: (stroking his nose again) Fuck yeah! I'm gonna have tons of fun tonight!
Joey: (digging in his damn bag again) Jim...
Jim: Huh? Food? What? You brought me food?
Joey: Goddammit. Here.
Joey hands Jim a black trash bag full of pot that he got from the hippies, and a pop-tart sammich left over from his deli.
Jim: FOOD!!!
Jim swallows the pop-tart sammich in one bite.
Jim: More.
Joey: I don't have anymore.
Jim: But I'm hungry.
Joey: Eat some of your pot, man...
Jim: Hmmm....
Joey: Craig, you want something to?
Craig: (silence)
Joey: You gotta answer me to get something.
Craig: (silence)
Joey: Say something, dammit.
Craig: (silence)
Joey: DO YOU FUCKING WANT SOMETHING OR NOT.
Craig: No.
Joey: Okay, here you go.
Joey hands Craig a shirt that says "Get This Fucking Faerie Offa Me, I'm Not His Dattie".
Craig: That's cool. I like it.
Craig attempts to put his shirt on, but it gets stuck on his spiky head. Craig begins violently shaking his head like, when a puppy gets his head caught in a cup or bag or something.
Joey: Here, Corey. It's Denise Richards.
Joey hands Corey a Denise Richards blow-up doll.
Corey: Oh my god!!! It's Denise Richards!!!
Corey begins humping the doll right in the middle of the poison oak.
Joey: And for Paul!!
Joey hands Paul a sammich baggie full of cocaine.
Joey: Now you don't have to snort baby powder anymore!
Paul: Snort, dude... awesome...
Jim: (looking at the sammich baggie) Is that food? I WANT SOMETHING TO FUCKING EAT! I'M FUCKING STARVING!! (to Joey) YOU FUCKING GO TO NEW FUCKING YORK AND YOU DON'T BRING SHIT HOME TO EAT!!!
Jim stumbles and falls down it the poison oak again.
Jim: Fuck!
Slipknot begins going into their separate directions.
Jim: (chopping on his pot) Man, this is some good shit.
Jim stands up, and proceeds to walk into the camper. As soon as he walks in, Mick jumps out from behind the door, and whacks him in the mouth with his brand new hickory stick club.
Mick: (jumping up into Jim's face) MAY FOOLS!!!!
Jim bends down and gathers his teeth, and Mick walks off.
Jim: (to himself) Goddamn that mother fucker. May fools? What the fuck is that? I'm gonna get that sum bitch back though...
Jim sits down in the floor, and begins plotting his May Fools Day trick. Right as he figures out what he's going to do, a UPS truck pulls up.
Jim: Huh? What's that?
The UPS guy get out of his truck with a package and comes to the door of the camper.
UPS worker: Uh, I have a package for a... (looks at his clipboard) Joey Jordison. You him?
Jim: Uh, yeah. Sure. Yeah, I'm Joey.
The UPS worker hands Jim the clipboard.
UPS worker: Sign here.
Jim does and hands the clipboard back to the UPS guy. The UPS guy hands Jim the package.
Jim: You know what, you bastard? You made me forget my plan, you son of a bitch!!!
The UPS worker back off, runs to his truck, and drives off in a hurry. He runs over Shawn's poison oak patch.
Shawn: GODDAMMIT!! I WORKED HARD GROWING THAT, YOU MOTHER FUCKER!!
Shawn pulls his sawed-off shotgun out of his back pocket, and fires it at the truck.
Shawn: You son of a bitch!
Shawn's aim was pretty good. He hit the truck. It made the guy swerve off the road, flip the truck, and the truck went rolling down a hill.
Shawn: You mother fucker...
The trucks explodes sending packages everywhere. One lands at Shawn's feet.
Shawn: Wonder what this is...
Shawn opens the package, and begins pawing through the packing foam.
Shawn: Ooo!!! Snakeskin! Wonder what kind? Boots? Shirt? Hat? Thong?
Suddenly, a Cobra pops out of the box and latches onto Shawn's face.
Shawn: (muffled) Ow.
The Cobra bites Shawn again.
Shawn: (muffled) Ow. (bite) Ow. (bite) Ow. (bite) Ow. (bite) Ow. (bite) Okay, that's enough. (bite) I said, THAT'S ENOUGH, GODDAMMIT! (bite)
Shawn rips the snake off of his face, throws it to the ground, and starts stomping on it.
Paul walks up to Shawn.
Paul: MAY FOOLS, MOTHER FUCKER!!!
Paul starts to walk off, but is stopped by Chris.
Chris: Dude, how the hell did you do that?
Paul: Snort, I have my ways...
Paul tries to walk off, but is stopped by Chris again.
Chris: Dude, look!!
Paul turns around.
Paul: Huh?
Chris sticks the Corey jar, which he has superglued back together, on Paul's nose. The jar now has a pair of Martha Stewart's shit filled panties in the bottom of it.
Chris: MAY FOOLS, BITCH!
Paul begins tugging on the jar, but some of the glue was still wet, and now it is glued to his nose! Paul continues pulling, and his hands also get stuck to the jar. Chris runs off and is stopped by a grinning Mick.
Chris: Dude! You should've seen what I just did! (turns and points in Paul's direction) I--
Mick hits Chris in the nose with his new hickory stick club.
Mick: MAY FOOLS!!
Chris: Dude, what the hell was that?
Mick walks off. Chris continues on, and stops to take a piss on a tree.
Chris: Dooo dooo dooooooooo.....
Mick jumps from behind the tree, and hits Chris in the ear with his new club.
Mick: MAY FOOLS!!!!!
Chris: Dude! (zips up pants) Would you stop hitting me with that damn stick?!?
Mick walks off again. Chris looks over, and sees Craig chasing butterflies. Chris walks over.
Chris: Dude. What are you doing?
Craig holds up his net.
Craig: (silence)
Chris: Are you chasing butterflies?
Craig nods his head yes.
Chris: Why?
Craig shrugs his shoulders.
Chris: What are you gonna do with them when you catch them?
Craig smiles.
Chris: Bud, no you ain't...
Craig: Taste good....
Suddenly, Sid darts by in the air on his razor scooter. Sid buzzes around, and flies through a window in the camper. He stops in the living room, and sees Jim lying naked in the floor, eating crackers.
Sid: Buuuuuuuzzzzzzzzzzx.....x.....x.....why?
Before Jim can answer though, Doorbell comes running in.
Doorbell: ¡Señor! ¡Señor! ¡The villagers! ¡They come!
Rain and Crow come crashing through the door, carrying torches.
Jim: (spitting cracker crumbs all over everything) Whuh za heeee?
Rain: Oh. This. Fire fun. (does evil smile)
Crow: Yeah. (sticks hand in fire)
Crow does this look like "see what I can do?" Suddenly, he jerks his hand out of the fire.
Crow: Oh, good god damn that fucking hurts!!!! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, goddammit!!!! Mother fucker!!!
Crow continues on, and Mick comes running through the house, with Chris chasing him.
Chris: Hit me with that goddamn club one more fuckin' time, and I'MA SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!!!
Shawn walks in, grabs a beer from out of the tv, and sits down.
*Note to Readers - Okay, so yeah. There's a lot of unexplained phenomena in our page. And quite a bit in this story. Like why Craig was chasing butterflies. Or why Jim was eating crackers naked. But especially why they store they beers in the television. This is stuff we will NEVER know. *Rain's note: Dude! What the hell is so weird about lying on the floor naked, while eating crackers? Last year, I was lying on the bathroom floor naked! I wasn't eating crackers though... I had had a bit too much to drink... whee... the fucking room was spinning too fast to lay on my bed... well... I WAS there... then I had to puke... and didn't make it back to my bed for 2 or 3 hours... that was the night I fell head first into the tile wall! Remember hearing about that, Echo? You laughed at me, YOU ASS!!! Anyway...*
Jim: Oh yeah. Joey got a package.
Jim opens the package up. Inside he sees an urn.
Jim: Why the hell did Joey get an ashy person?
Jim gets up so he can go find Joey and give him his package. Cracker crumbs fall everywhere. Mick runs out of the door. Chris follows, but is stopped by Paul.
Paul: Chris, man. Where's the tire-iron? The fucking tire on the Trak-tour is flat.
Chris: It's in the shed.
Chris runs off chasing Mick again. Paul begins walking towards the shed but sees Craig chasing butterflies, and walks over to him.
Paul: Snort, dude, why?
Craig looks at Paul like he's crazy.
Paul: Food?
Craig nods his head.
Paul: Hmm... are they good? Snort!
Craig nods his head.
Paul: Ooo... snort, snort.
Paul reaches up and snatches a butterfly out of the air, and stuffs it in his mouth.
Paul: Chalky, but good!
Craig: How the hell did you do that?
Paul: What?
Craig: (silence)
Paul: Answer me dude. Snort. What did I do? I'll tell you how...
Craig: You caught the butterfly!!! I've been trying to catch the fuckers for the last hour, and you come out here and get the bitch on the first fucking try!
Paul: You want some?
Craig nods his head.
Paul: Okay.
Paul snatches Craig's helmet off of his head, waves it through the air a few times, and puts it back on Craig's head.
Paul: There. You got your butterflies.
Craig: BUTTERFLIES!!! What's that? There's a fucking hornet in here!!! Shit!!!
Paul: May fools.
Paul walks back over to the shed, and opens the door.
Paul: AAAAAHHH!!!! SHIT!!!!
Bees begin swarming onto Paul.
Paul: Fuck!!!!
Paul starts running towards Joey's little blue kiddie pool, and jumps in.
Paul: You bitches!!
Craig walks over to the kiddie pool.
Craig (pointing at Paul) You know what.
Paul: You are an ass. That fucking hurt!
Craig: I know. Thanks for the butterflies though.
Paul gets out of the kiddie pool, and goes back to the shed to get the tire-iron.
Paul: Ah. Here it is.
Paul grabs the tire-iron, walks over to the Trak-tour, and begins changing the tire. He finishes, and leaves the tire-iron sitting there.
Jim: There you are, dammit. Here. You got a package.
Jim hands Joey the package.
Joey: Why is it open?
Jim: I wanted to know what it was. I thought that maybe... it was food...
Joey: Oh, okay.
Jim starts walking back towards the camper, and sees Mick coming out of the corner of his eye.
Jim: Dammit, not again!!
Jim notices the tire-iron, so he grabs it and hides it behind his back.
Jim: Mmm-hmm....
Mick runs up and clubs Jim in the neck.
Mick: MAY FOOLS!!!!
Jim: I fucking know already!!!
Mick turns to leave, and is hit in the back of the head with the tire-iron. Mick is knocked unconscious.
Jim: May fucking Fools.
Jim kicks him in the ribs and walks into the camper, and resumes back to eating his crackers.
Jim: Goddamn club. I'ma fucking kill Joey for giving that to him.
Paul walks in and sits down on the couch.
Paul: Nice bruise.
Jim: Nice stings. Cracker?
Paul takes a cracker.
Jim: Goddamn club.
Paul pulls out his bag of coke, and pours a giant pile on the table.
Paul: Now how much to take... Um... I know.. Same amount as my baby powder!
Paul snorts a handful and passes out.
Shawn: Goddammit!!! Paul done Od'd again!!!
Shawn begins kicking Paul, so he'll wake up. Paul doesn't wake up.
Jim: That ain't gonna help, dude.
Shawn: Umm... what do I do?
Jim: Call an ambulance.
Shawn: Um. Oh shit, goddammit! Paul done died!! Fuck!!
Shawn starts tearing up.
Paul: (sitting up) Fuck that. May Fools, bitches.
Paul walks out the camper door.
Shawn: I AM GOING TO KILL HIM.
Shawn charges out the door, and tackles Paul.
Shawn: You mother fucker!! (punches Paul) I fucking hate you!! (puches) You bitch!!
Paul: DON'T KILL ME DUDE!!! IT WAS A JOKE!!!
Shawn continues beating Paul's ass.
Shawn: YOU BITCH!!! YOU FUCKING BITCH!!! (starts grinning) I'm not mad! Ha! I was joking! May Fools, you pig faced son of a bitch!!
Shawn runs back inside, while Paul sits on the ground confused.
Paul: What the hell...?
On To Part 2